So, how important do you think your relationship is compared to the importance of your children? And what percentage effort do you expend on each do you think?

[WideWebWitch]

Following on from this thread (about leaving a small baby to go away with husband), where we started talking about parents needs compared to childrens needs, I'm interested to know how important people think parents needs are.

What priority do you and your partner/husband/wife give to your relationship compared to that you give your children? Can you put a percentage on it in terms of time/effort?

And when you think about the time you spend with and on your children as opposed to with your partner do you think you've got it about right or do you wish you had more time to spend with your husband/partner/wife (if you're a bloke)? Or do you wish you had more time with your children?

I wish I had more time for everything TBH. Good question to consider though.

99% of everything goes on our children. They come first and last and in the middle. It isn't always easy but we accept it for now as they are all still little.

I know I give far more effort to my children than I do to my husband. I know that if we continued like this, our relationship would not stand much of a chance after the children had left home, but it is not my intention that we will continue like this (despite the fact I am only on MN right now because dh and I have had a row!) As the children get older, I anticipate I will have more time to devote to dh.

That said, we have always had the occasional weekend away from the children, (maybe once or twice a year) so we maybe do not have so far to go as other couples who would not consider leaving your children for a weekend away.

I cant really put a percentage on it, but would say that we are lucky enough to have fantastic, supportive families who gladly take the boys from us so we can have some time together or with our friends.

I think its really important to have some time 'together' without children- and our families love taking the boys away.

We are good parents- we work extremely hard and provide well for our children- i do not feel one shred of guilt for having the odd weekend away without them.

Hummmm I think it's pretty fair all round, in the week i spend all day with our children, dp comes home and spends a bit of time with the children, then they go to bed and we spend time together and at weekends we usually have 1 day as a family and 1 day when dp takes the children to see his family while i have some alone time and clean the house ready for the week ahead. It works well for us. Every now and again dc stay with gp's and we have a bit of extra time together. We both have 1 night out on our own with our friends once a week and 1 evening during the weekend when we see our friends (i'd say we do that every other wkend)

On levels of importance I'd say my children are my world and if i had to choose they would be my first choice but my dp is very important and i hope to share my whole life with him, I am aware that one day my children will grow up and leave home and have their own lives and i want us as a couple to still have things in common and to enjoy spending time together. We always make an effort with valentines day, birthdays, anniversary's etc

Sometimes just for the hell of it i will cook him a particularly nice meal or dress really nicely (doesnt have to be anything special just putting heels instead of my trainers on)

It's ahrd with sn kids i think, as babysitting means driving an hour each way to family, and then Dh works nights which means that even when the boys are melatonin'd up (a sort of sleeping hormone for asd kids) I'm alone. We do make the effort to have lunches out together etc though to compensate a bit, and we make the kids do things we'd do just as a couple on other circumstances. Certainly the marriage could do with a polish from time to time, most years we get a night away in November but not this year and we're trying to think of an alternative break. It makes such a difference! A few eyars back we went to butlins (!) for a theme weekend with a large group and spent most of it just together- funny how given just a bit of time you remember why you're together,a s opposed to who washed up last,.

It changes - when they were little, it was the children 'first last & in the middle' as NAB3 says, but as they get older the balance begins to swing back - now they're 17 & 19, our relationship has a greater priority.

Of course with teenagers, the main worry about a weekend away is what the little b*ggers are getting up to in your absence.....

my boys are 2 and 3 and definitly agree with NAB3, they are 99%.

we have a night out every few months - but thhats it really. hey-ho - that what having children is about initally i think, and agree that as they get older you get some more time together.

cx

my dd is only 3.10 and since we had her I have been trying for another (lost one at 25 weeks and currently 27 weeks with another)

So not much time for us time and as long as we get days out as a family then neither of us care. We know its not forever and we can start having couple time and nights out when she (and new baby) are older

My kids are 90% and my dh 5% and me the other 5.

You're right. It's wrong and unhealthy. Sometimes I think I'm just getting through the small children era and will patch up the mess it has made of my marriage at a later date.

My son is almost 6.5 and we have had dinner out twice since he was born and had a night away on 3 separate occasions.

Being on here is my time.

D'ya know, I never really think about it. It just happens TBH and everyone seems fine about it.

I'm the SAHM and DH works. all my time is with DS. He goes to bed between 7:30 and 8 then after that it's the grown ups time.

No doubt it will change as DS gets older.

Of course the other side of the coin is that just as your children start to need you less, your parents start to need you more - which is why, if I had wanted a weekend away with DH over the last year, it would have been at my MIL's.....

When we got married, we went on a marriage perperation course organised by the church.

There was one part that stuck with me, about how the love you have for your kids is different to that of your husband / wife.

You love your children unconditionally, and every part of their growing up is gearing up towards the day that they become independant and no longer 'need' you.

With your spouse, you will always be together.

With your children, you are destined to grow apart. With your partner, you need to stay close for ever.

I think they explained it better than that, but you get the gist.

Saying that, we have a 9 month old ds and hope for another, so for the time being, our son takes priority. But we try to keep in our minds, that one day our kids will have flown the nest and it will be just us again.

Easier said than done at times.............!

preparation

I feel like I give 100% to DS, but seeing as that would leave 0 for DP I'd have to say 99% DS and 1% DP.

Thats not to say that there is no focus on my relationship, its more that we are close enough to just rub along without any concerted effort.

We still enjoy each others company, talk about our day, turn to each other for advice/comfort/friendship but that does not seem to require effort as such. Its just a consequence of being in a relationship thats happy.

So its not necessarily that we place DS higher than each other in the pecking order (though if there was ever a situation that required that sort of choice then we would both, without doubt, choose to concentrate on DS)but our relationship can sustain being further down the list.

If we pave the way for DS to be a happy, confident secure person, then at some point in the future he will move on with his life and the focus can then shift back to us.

We both feel that DS deserves to be our main priority, in fact I would find it hard to relate to anyone who ranked their child as lower in importance than their partner.

My kids needs (and I emphasis needs, not whims, demands, preferences, and dictatorial control orders) will always come first, but other than that, we do make actual efforts to ensure we have an ongoing healthy relationship.

I want them to grow up in this context, I think it would be far more hurtful to our kids if dh and I damaged our relationship, and the stability of our family, by not taking the time for routine relationship maintenance - there'd be no dd's without us, so I think the 'us' is worthy of care and attention too.

I suppose I'm a bit precious about one on one time with dh as I live far from family, so we don't go out much, and my kids do know that occasionally they are going to be plonked in front of a dvd while mum and dad disappear to another room for a glass of wine and a natter/hug/wicked doings . They take it in good part (the other day, dd2 walked in and said "DD1 and me are going to the playhouse for some together time, we'll see you in a bit" - it's rubbing off!)

It's not a daily occurrence, and it does revive the general chilled out ambience quite remarkably.

My needs come behind my DD's. I have to say I will be more able to pass my unborn LO to family once born as we have now moved close to them and not punish myself to be the "perfect mother". What I have learnt from having my first is that I give "too" much attention to her needs and not enough to my own.

WWW I actually think you have enlightened me slightly as to how my relationship with DH is as important as that with my DD. After all, my DC will fly the nest and it will be back to just DH and myself and if we have no relationship left...

I think your relationship (if you're in one) should come first and I think its a healthy model to show your kids.

Everything flows from the parent unit - its a team thing

i give everything to my children including fact that im only with dh for them.sad but true.

moljam that is sad but if you feel you are acting in your DC's best interests and it makes you happy that they are, then so be it. But don't you ever think about your own happiness?

im happy if theyre happy(most of time!)i upped and left but when it came to telling them i felt i owed it to them to try again,im trying but its not working.for now theyre happy so im happy.

DD comes first, definitely but I'm really aware of how important it is for dp and I to be happy together in order for her to be happy.

Dp and I get time together in the evenings and nights out, though often with mutual friends rather than alone. I think of this as time for our relationship but more importantly time to ensure a happy future for our FAMILY. As such I never don't feel guilty about the time that it means I'm away from dd.

No % here, but my mum saw her own marriage fall apart from putting too much into the children and not enough into them as a couple, so she is constantly trying to encourage us to do more together (by babysitting ).

Right now work gets most of me