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Original poster

*warning* upsetting content (advice about dead body)

109 replies

loopykay · 21/01/2020 15:41

I really don't want to upset and offend anyone so please don't read any further if that is possible.

My Dad died 5 weeks ago, the funeral is this week. I've just received a call from the funeral directors saying it's best not to view him beforehand because he has deteriorated a lot. I'm really upset as I feel I need to see him.

Should my Dad of been preserved more than this? He is 79 and thin but I'd of expected him to be preserved It's really upsetting.

OP posts:
Robs20 · 21/01/2020 18:50

I would take the advice of the funeral director. I went to see my dd 4 days after she died and don’t regret it at all (but it was 4 days rather than 5 weeks). It was horribly sad but I needed to hold her one last time and have some time alone together. We were warned that she might look different- if it had been 5 weeks I think I would have been very nervous and may have felt differently about going.

Scapegoatforlife · 21/01/2020 19:04

I saw a photo of my grandad when my family went to visit his body- I couldn't face it tbh.

Very glad I didn't go as it was actually horrific. They have sown his mouth into a smile that just looked unnatural and scary .

bellinisurge · 21/01/2020 19:05

We had a closed coffin for both my parents. I was with Mum when she died and got to Dad shortly after.
I'm so sorry that you've lost your Dad.
All I can say is that I no longer thought of either of them as Mum or Dad when I saw them after they died. They were in my heart and my memory and what I saw didn't look like them. It was strikingly so, in fact and I didn't expect it.
Follow the funeral director's advice.

GeraltOfRivia · 21/01/2020 19:06

I am so sorry for your loss. I went to see my dad after he ah had died. It was maybe 10/11 days after and it just wasn't him. It was weird. My brother and I went together as neither of us had been with him or seen him before he was moved.

Once I was there I wished I hadn't gone. I can still remember his hands, that once held his pen I still write with, and played his guitar his friend still sings to, looking completely and utterly wrong. I barely looked at his face as everything was just off.

If it's been 5 weeks and the funeral director has taking the step of suggesting it wouldn't be a positive experience in any way I would listen. Keep your amazing memories of him close.

DickDewy · 21/01/2020 19:10

Embalming delays the signs of decomposition in the short term, but 5 weeks is a very long time.

They have given you good advice. Go and sit with his closed coffin if it helps.

vadam · 21/01/2020 19:11

Hi OP I'm sorry for your loss. I saw both of my GPs after they had passed. Although not a lot of time had passed, you could still tell they had deteriorated and they didn't look anything like the way they used to when they were still alive.

On one hand I'm glad I saw them as it gave me closure but on the other I wish I didn't as now when I think of them I can only vision their dead bodies and it's not a nice thing to remember.

Ultimately I would take the advice of the FD. Sending hugs Thanks

helpfulperson · 21/01/2020 19:12

My father died before Christmas and we knew it was going to be a long wait into the new year for the funeral. The funeral director strongly suggested that if we did want to see the body again to do it in the first week or two. I chose not to and am happy with that decision.

HarryHarry · 21/01/2020 19:17

We had my mum in the house for I think 3 days after embalming at my dad’s insistence. He admitted afterwards it was a mistake. She looked fine but she did start to change over time, probably because it was August and very hot, eg the fluid started to leak from her nose. I’m not traumatised by it but I would rather not have that image in my head.

My advice is not to view the body.

I am sorry for your loss.

Drabarni · 21/01/2020 19:17

I had the choice with both parents.

Mum went suddenly, heart attack and had always feared dying. I knew I shouldn't go, so I didn't. My sis went and wished she hadn't.

We both saw Dad, he died of cancer and we'd spent the last few months with him. It was right to see him so peaceful.

If they are telling you not to go then you shouldn't.
I've been told that sometimes they can deteriorate quite rapidly if they aren't embalmed.

I'm so sorry this has upset you. Please take their advice.

CookPassBabtridge · 21/01/2020 19:23

I saw my dad when he first died and that was awful.. his mouth really wide open, eyes wouldn't shut, yellow. But going to see him at the funeral directors was very healing.. he looked beautiful. Really really handsome and calm. He wasn't embalmed. This was only a week after death though, I imagine even when refridgerated that 5 weeks will be too long. I'm sorry for your loss. X

Original poster
loopykay · 21/01/2020 19:35

Thankyou all so much for your replies. I'm so sorry you have also lost people close to you.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/01/2020 19:37

Firstly I'm very sorry for the loss of your father, loopykay

A small point I'd add to the great advice you've had is that there are different types of embalming; just as an example, a body which has been left for medical research will obviously need to be preserved for much longer and will receive "stronger" treatment / solutions, etc.

But of course this isn't needed for most of us, so if your dad had the more usual embalming - or even none at all - I'd definitely take the funeral director's advice. They really are doing this out of care for you, and visiting with the coffin closed may be a much better option all round

missjaysays · 21/01/2020 19:43

This may not help, but I have never once heard in real life anyone say they were glad they went to see their relative before hand.

Most say they massively regret it. They are lumbered with that image for the rest of their lives. They don't look the same, it's not them anymore, just their shell.

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you can find some peace. Thanks

DickDewy · 21/01/2020 19:48

My dad always says he massively regrets seeing any of his relatives after they had died.

TSSDNCOP · 21/01/2020 19:53

I sat with my dada and my best friend. The coffins were closed (what you die from can impact deterioration as well as time. It was a comfort just “to be”. I was there about an hour and held a whole conversation with them.

moooov · 21/01/2020 20:02

Has your loved one been embalmed?
My gran was embalmed, and she too had a deal aged funeral due to back log. The funeral was 4.5 weeks after death.
Even with embalming she had changed a lot (she was dead 8 hours before funeral home could collect her) so not sure if some of the determination was prior as decomposing stars quite quick, and she was very unwell and thin.

I remember my visit vividly...the smell was horrible. They had stayed her perfume on her before I went in...that smell still makes me wretch!! And she did not look like her at all.

Only you can decide what to do, but the funeral home is very experienced, and if they have offered an opinion of not to view body, then I would be inclined to trust their judgement.

Sorry for your loss

LittleSweet · 21/01/2020 20:11

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. The body won't look like him as the things that made him, him are gone. I do believe in an afterlife. I wouldn't want my last memory of a loved one to be the one after they had left.

BringBackLangCleg · 21/01/2020 20:15

I was with my loved one when he died. He had been receiving oxygen through a mask and his mouth was open. Even within just 20 minutes or so if him dying, the hospital staff were unable to get his mouth to close and combined with the fact that he was so gaunt anyway, it was an unpleasant image of him. Nothing like the man who had been so full of life and joy. I decided to view his body because I had hoped it would look more like him. But it didn’t. They had managed to close his mouth and he looked less sunken, but he looked very waxen and artificial. It was like looking at someone else. It wasn’t a terrible experience but it didn’t provide any of the closure I had hoped for and it didn’t give me a chance to see “him” again. I’d heed the advice of the funeral director.

BringBackLangCleg · 21/01/2020 20:17

To clarify, seeing him in the funeral home after the post mortem did not give closure after having initially been with him in hospital where he died.

Lordfrontpaw · 21/01/2020 20:21

Sorry about your dad. I don’t see either parent - mum said that seeing dad would be too sad for us and I couldn’t face seeing mum (she had been ill but a sister and brother went and said that she looked very frail and ill - and my mum was a battling Georgie so I’m glad I didn’t go).

I am happy to remember them as they’ve were when alive. And mum would have been mortified for anyone to see her without her hair and makeup ‘just so’.

50shadesoflunacy · 21/01/2020 20:22

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I'm adding in with the people saying don't go. My Mum died 2 years ago. I saw her immediately after she died and thought she looked beautiful. I then went to see her at the funeral home about 8 days later and I first saw her hands and thought oh yes there is mum. Then I saw her face and I remember pulling this face Hmm. For a while after I wished I hadn't because facially it looked nothing like my beautiful mum. Her hands - yes, completely - 100%. I don't feel upset about it now but I definitely wouldn't go and see someone at a funeral home again. Someone mentioned upthread about having a hand uncovered for you to see. Might that be helpful for you?

Original poster
loopykay · 21/01/2020 20:47

Embalming was never mentioned. It's a shame it has come to this as one of the reasons he wanted cremation was to avoid being in this sort of state.

OP posts:
Riv12345 · 21/01/2020 20:50

*HappyGG
*
I definitely agree, I'm glad you said that it gives me comfort to know that my mum and dad are together and alive in the spirit world.

Go with your gut OP sending you lots of hugs at this difficult time 💐💐

itwaseverthus · 21/01/2020 20:51

If you really feel you need to see your df, you need to see him. But do so with the information posters and the funeral director have given, so that you're not too shocked. I am so sorry, this is an awful time to make such decisions.

FWIW, I've seen many dead bodies, some looked peaceful and just as though they were sleeping, others really not at all like that. Embalming quickly does seem to help, so if your df has been embalmed, perhaps it's not as bad as you fear but still deteriorated a little. My best friend looked just like himself hours after his sudden death but after the post mortem, not a bit. His chin sunk and I bitterly regret seeing him like that. Having said that, memories fade and the happy images are the first to be recalled now.

I echo other posters, the body seems definitely not to be your loved one after a while, their 'themness' has gone.

So sorry for your loss, for everyone's on this thread Flowers

vadam · 21/01/2020 20:55

@loopykay Have you asked why embalming was never offered/mentioned?

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