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Original poster

*warning* upsetting content (advice about dead body)

109 replies

loopykay · 21/01/2020 15:41

I really don't want to upset and offend anyone so please don't read any further if that is possible.

My Dad died 5 weeks ago, the funeral is this week. I've just received a call from the funeral directors saying it's best not to view him beforehand because he has deteriorated a lot. I'm really upset as I feel I need to see him.

Should my Dad of been preserved more than this? He is 79 and thin but I'd of expected him to be preserved It's really upsetting.

OP posts:
KundaliniRising · 21/01/2020 17:18

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I would take the advice and not see him, it would probably be very traumatic for you.

I am so sorry (((gentle hugs to you)))

lowlandLucky · 21/01/2020 17:19

The human body starts to deteriorate very quickly after death. Go and sit in the chapel of rest with the closed coffin if you must but 5 weeks ago was the time to see him,not now. Remember him as he was

Juanbablo · 21/01/2020 17:22

I would think carefully about your decision. I saw my dad just after he had died and he just looked like he was asleep. I felt I didn't spend enough time with him then so chose to see him at the funeral directors 2 weeks later. I wish I hadn't. He looked so strange, sunken and odd coloured lips. I don't think I would go to view a body again.

rwalker · 21/01/2020 17:23

If you feel u must go would it be possible to view him with a muslin covering so you could have that moment with him .

Lunafortheloveogod · 21/01/2020 17:23

Don’t beat yourself up about not going. Remember him for the man he was.

5 weeks is along time, and depending on circumstances around his passing there’s a lot that can change and they honestly don’t often look presentable and can be far more upsetting than never seeing. Embalming is often only done for open casket funerals and even then they do their best to work to the clock too.

Skinnychip · 21/01/2020 17:24

Flowers OP
My DM died in hospital after 2 weeks on life support. I saw her about an hour after she died and she was grey and looked sunken and skeletal (and not at all like she had been, even the day before - she had always been overweight with quite a full face)
When I saw her a week or 2 later in the Chapel of rest, she looked better, plumper, like I remembered her, as if she was just asleep
Ddad OTOH died in his sleep in a care home. J saw him after he died and he looked peaceful. When I saw him in the chapel of rest he didnt look like him at all and very diminished. I wish I hadn't seen him like that.

Maskedsingeroctopus · 21/01/2020 17:26

I saw my brothers (age 22) dead body a few days after he'd passed (saw him in chapel in a funeral parlour).
It was the worse things I've ever done.
Seeing a dead body is awful, it's gory and horrific, despite the make up they put on it. Only dead body I'd ever seen or ever will (hopefully).
Seeing the dead body of your loved one. A million times worse. It's 26 years ago this happened and it makes me v upset now. At the time I couldn't handle it, politely made my excuses and threw up (vomited) and collapsed in the street outside.
I certainly wouldn't weeks after he'd passed.
Sorry.

GinAndTings · 21/01/2020 17:31

I saw my grandad and I wish I had not.

I saw that face in my nightmares for weeks after. It just wasnt the same. Im sorry OP.

X

MeghanMountbattenSausage · 21/01/2020 17:34

I know this isn't going to be well received but here goes.

I lost my Mum to cancer in my twenties. The funeral home was just down the road so I went every day, sat with her open coffin and talked. Due to her having a Church burial which was hard to schedule, over the week or so before her funeral she began to noticeably deteriorate. Bizarrely, I found the deterioration strangely comforting because it helped me to let go. I was able to realize that this person was not my Mother as I knew her but merely the vessel that contained her being. I also stayed behind after the funeral to watch her being buried. Then I went home and got on with my life.

However....I would take the funeral director's advice and not view the body if as they say it is already badly deteriorated. But take the advice of a previous poster and sit with the closed coffin privately to obtain closure.

I don't think deterioration is so bad if you see it happen gradually. But if the body is badly deteriorated when you first see it then it can be very shocking and can spoil the memories of your loved one.

I know this is easy for me to say because I was able to see my Mother. But she had already has disfiguring cancer surgery over the past few years leading up to her death and had already had her jaw removed and had no tongue. So I was already hardened to seeing her like that and in fact the funeral directors did a very good job of tidying up her face.

Listen to the funeral directors. Listen to the other posters on here. Spend private time with a closed coffin. Remember him as he was. You can't unsee something you regret.

So sorry for our loss. It takes time, but does get easier with the passage of years. xxx

Molly2017 · 21/01/2020 17:47

I wouldn’t OP.
My DM always regretted seeing her Dad after he passed and told me not to go see her.
When she died I didn’t and I don’t regret it.

Bluerussian · 21/01/2020 17:49

If a body has not been embalmed it will deteriorate. I'm so sorry op but wonder why you didn't go sooner, maybe you live abroad.

As others have said, try to remember him as he was. It's a sad time for you.x

Bluntness100 · 21/01/2020 17:56

I think the thing I felt, and it seems many others felt, is that the person is no longer there, it's just a shell. It's really hard to describe, but that's the impression you get. They have gone and you're looking at the shell they left behind.

I am another who would not wish to do it again. It was my grandmother and I found it a shock and was very upset by it.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/01/2020 17:59

Sorry for your loss.

When my dad died, we had a 3 week delay between the funeral and his death due to the weather etc. The funeral director was very clear that if I or anyone else wanted to view his body we should do it asap due to the deterioration of the body.

My dad hated the shadow of a man that lung cancer had turned him into. Weak, thin, gaunt... he wanted us to remember him the way he was, active, athletic, a marathon runner. I think there is a kindness both to dead and to yourself in holding on to the memories of how they used to be rather than viewing them weeks dead.

Ugzbugz · 21/01/2020 18:06

5 weeks is a very long time, and he will have deteriorated a lot, I saw a loved one after a few hours and after about 3 weeks and the change was shocking, however I am not so to speak traumatised by seeing them and its not the lasting image I see, but your dad will be freezing to touch which is upsetting and his eyes will be sunken, he will be very different in colour to. Sorry for your loss x

Smelly50 · 21/01/2020 18:13

I was with my dad when he passed, wouldn't/ didn't want to see him after . I think maybe we can beat our selves up to much after death
Each to there own , however I havevand still do struggle with my father's death ,and for me seeing him at the undertakers wouldn't have made it easier

FagAsh · 21/01/2020 18:24

My ex BF looked great when I saw him after 13 days, but he had had an autopsy so I suppose they may have done more in terms of trying to preserve him

I found it v comforting actually

FagAsh · 21/01/2020 18:25

Sorry

I wanted to offer condolences to you OP and to everyone who has been in this position, it's v hard. Flowers

CallmeAngelina · 21/01/2020 18:29

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was with my dad when he died in September. My sister and I sat with him for about an hour, holding his hands and chatting quietly.
Then one of the nurses/ carers cane in and said they had to "attend" to him and make him comfortable and we decided we would leave. Already he was beginning to look a little different, and his body temperature was cooling.
I would not have wanted to see him again after that.
It is very upsetting. I do sympathise. Thanks

HappyGG · 21/01/2020 18:29

I saw my Mum when she was in the funeral parlour. My aunt insisted I kiss her goodbye. I would never view a loved one in that way again. Far better to remember them alive with spirit.

Smelly50 · 21/01/2020 18:35

And also truly sincere condolences , I struggled and still do almost 13 years later

RoLaren · 21/01/2020 18:36

My Mum viewed her deceased father's body several weeks after he died, and always regretted it. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Mouldiwarp1 · 21/01/2020 18:39

I saw my Dad twice at the funeral directors after he died. My mum wanted to go again, so I went with her. I didn’t find it upsetting precisely because whatever had made him ‘him’ had left his body and it was just a shell. It looked like him but not, if you see what I mean, and I really didn’t feel anything. My sister only went once and found it a very traumatic experience - perhaps because she touched him and I didn’t.

I think different people will have different reactions and you can’t be sure how it will affect you. I would, however, take the undertaker’s advice in this instance.

crimsonlake · 21/01/2020 18:43

I saw my father a couple of hours after he died...depending upon if you believe the nurses who rang and said he had just passed away.
He appeared to be turning yellow and his mouth was wide open.
As a family we spent some time with him, but for many months I could not get the image of his face out of my mind. It used to make me feel quite sick when I thought about it.
I regretted seeing him like that as for many years that is my final memory of him, thankfully that has now eventually faded.
A couple of my sisters went to see him at the chapel of rest and said he looked like himself. I just could not bring myself to go after witnessing how he looked in the hospital.

Bouledeneige · 21/01/2020 18:45

I'm so sorry for your loss OP - how sad. I really think you should take the undertakers advice - it would be very upsetting to see him now. But don't seek to blame anyone. Nature took its course and that's exactly what you'd expect after this passage of time. 5 weeks is a long time and that's exactly why usually funerals are fairly speedy.

My dear Mum dropped dead suddenly one day. I saw her lain out on the floor a few hours afterwards whilst we waited for the undertakers to arrive. It was good for me to see her and understand that she had died. Her spirit had clearly left her body and she was gone. My sister wished she hadn't seen her but for me it was fine and helped me realise the finality of it. But that was only a couple of hours after she died.

Emmapeeler1 · 21/01/2020 18:46

So sorry for your loss OP.

I can’t speak from directexperience as I did not see my Dad after he died, but I know that my mum (who found him) was keen for me not to, because she said she knew from experience (also having lost her Dad suddenly) that you cannot unsee a dead body.

I get needing to see him as the shock of never being able to see him again was hard to adjust to, but I have no regrets about not doing so. An every day I remember my lovely Dad as he was in my own private way.

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