*warning* upsetting content (advice about dead body)

[loopykay]

I really don't want to upset and offend anyone so please don't read any further if that is possible.

My Dad died 5 weeks ago, the funeral is this week. I've just received a call from the funeral directors saying it's best not to view him beforehand because he has deteriorated a lot. I'm really upset as I feel I need to see him.

Should my Dad of been preserved more than this? He is 79 and thin but I'd of expected him to be preserved It's really upsetting.

I saw my mum just after she passed and that was enough. There was a delay and my sister went 2 weeks after she had passed and wishes she hadn't. I really don't think I'd want to see anyone after death now.

. Five weeks is a long time and nature will take its course. I think maybe visiting her closed coffin in a room is a good idea maybe?

I saw my mum at a similar stage, not something I would recommend. I got through the visit ok but felt delayed shock afterwards and couldn’t stop picturing her face.
All I will say is she looked very dead, not like when I’d identified her body 4 weeks beforehand.

Sorry about your Dad OP

So sorry you've lost your Dad. I was with DH when FIL he passed away and although he looked peaceful and calm at the moment he went, which we both found comforting, from about 15 minutes later he didn't look like him anymore as his colour had gone. Neither of us wanted to see him again and it was the right choice.

If you close your eyes, you will always see your Dad. Listen to the funeral directors xx

Hi OP, so sorry for your loss.

Sadly, even when refrigerated bodies will decompose extremely quickly. Honestly, take the advice from the funeral directors as I strongly believe you will be shocked and even more saddened to see him 5 weeks after he has passed. He will be totally unrecognisable - is this something that you want as your very last memory of him?

As another poster mentioned, maybe ask if you can visit him in a closed coffin alone before the funeral?

I saw my younger sister at the end of June last year and she had passed away 4 weeks beforehand. The funeral director warned me she was deteriorating very fast and she had done the best she could. She was starting to bruise (that's what it looked like) on her face and her lips were going black. Do I regret going... no, she didn't look like her but she did look peaceful which was more than she ever did alive x hope that helps a bit x

Ps sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry op. Unless you ask for embalming then I'm afraid this is normal. Did they know you'd wish to see him at this late stage?

I'd also ask gently if you've ever seen a deceased person, because it's highly traumatic, even when they have just passed. I really would accept what the under taker has said and try to remember him as he was.

My sister was not embalmed - she died of unnatural causes and was held for weeks with biopsies and tests. I have no doubt she was treated as she should have been, it's just that there is only so much makeup and refrigeration can do x

Very sorry for your loss

Do not see him, take the Funeral Director's advice. Remember him as he was, not as he is now.

He’s bound to look terrible after five weeks, especially if he’s not been embalmed

Not quite true. My father's funeral was four weeks after his death, and I went to see him the day before the funeral. His body had deteriorated a tiny bit (possibly TMI, but the ends of his fingers had started to blacken), but he did not look "terrible". Maybe he was quite well-preserved because he had been embalmed, and maybe your father has deteriorated because this was not done? Did they ask you if you wanted your father embalming, OP? They should have asked you that.

It's horrible having to wait weeks for the funeral, isn't it OP? We had our four-week delay because problems with the crematoria in my area had caused a funeral backlog.

Sorry for your loss. I think the suggestion above is a sensible one - just go and sit with his coffin for a while.

I've previously worked as an end of life care HCA and currently work as a police officer so have seen more dead bodies than I can even remember and I generally wouldn't recommend anyone view bodies after loved ones have died because they NEVER look the same. And they very rarely look peaceful. It's an imagine you'll never forget and sadly will probably be your lasting image so I honestly wouldn't if I were you. I always try and persuade people not to but if people are really set on it I would often suggest maybe just going in and holding their hand instead of seeing their face.

I would say don't go OP, it's likely to traumatise you further

Take the advice, I went to see both of my grandparents and they just didn't look like them. I just left knowing it was just a body. It made zero difference to me to have seen the bodies.
So if there has been deterioration too, it will just make that feeling more pronounced, I Agee with others - keep your positive memories and photographs

I have a slightly different angle on this issue.

My Mum died of cancer. It was her time to go, we were at her bedside for the last 5 days and it brings me comfort and acceptance to have seen her body slowly shut down and to be at her side with my family.

I hadn't planned on seeing her in the funeral home, but I did go. I wish I hadn't. They made her look more like our healthier Mum. It actually freaked me out somewhat and made me wonder what they had had to do to her body. My sisters found it comforting to see her like that.

I think I would have found it easier to accept if she had looked more like she had in her very last moment.

I am a scientist and like to understand such things - not in a morbid way, more fascination.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. As others have said, maybe sitting with the coffin for a few moments would be a comfort to you.

I saw a good friend about a week after he died and even though he had not deteriorated at all he looked awful! It just doesn't look like that person anymore and it's an empty shell! I was physically sick afterwards. I was with my grandfather when he passed and stayed with him for about an hour afterwards while he still looked normal. That was hugely comforting. I would never ever go to an undertaker and see someone after my friend, I would never recommend anyone else to do it either. But it's a personal choice we all have to make for ourselves when the occasion arises.

Unless embalmed,you may well be very shocked. If a person has died some while ago, and the funeral has been delayed, and although the persons body has been kept in a cold place, there will be a significant change in the appearance of the deceased person. You should really take advice from the undertaker regarding this. They care about their jobs, and they also care about the family left behind.

Some years ago,my husband died, He had remarried into a different culture. He passed away,but there had to be an inquest,which was delayed, lots of things delayed along the way. His funeral happened about eight or nine weeks later.

After the service etc, it had been arranged by her, to have the coffin opened, for people to view if wanted, a family cultural thing to do apparently..

I was so very very shocked about this, and to this day, I can still see the vision of my ex husband, of the way he looked that day in the coffin.

I saw my mum minutes before she died and minutes after. She didn't look anything like her after she had died. I then saw her 3 weeks later. She looked even less like her. She had started to deteriorate and bore no resemblance to my mum at all. She had had a pm and all I could see was her face, which looked a bit sunken and how she may have looked if she had lived another 30 years.

I didn't find it upsetting, just a bit weird.
You may find if you see him you dont experience what you expect, be that closure, emotional outburst, one last look at your loved dad could be like looking at a stranger.

I felt nothing afterwards, in fact I stopped at the shop on the way home to pick up some mundane groceries.

I dont feel its ruined how I remember her, I am glad I went as otherwise I would be wishing that I had, but it wasnt the emotional experience I was expecting.

My Eldest Child was Stillborn, and, especially on a small body, the changes happen so quickly. We gave her up after a day with her, when she had been dead two days, and, though not frightening, the changes were noticeable. Of course, we had no living Child to compare her to.

My Father had to identify his.Father, who had dropped dead at home and been found three days later, so he had no choice, but none of his other Siblings did, as the discoloration had begun and he looked bruised. Again, not nasty but not like himself.

Honestly?

I saw my grandad not long after he died and I wish I hadn’t.

Whenever I picture him, I try to remember him smiling and laughing but I always go back to him in that ambulance with a tube in his throat.

I would remember your dad as he is and take the advice of the director

I saw my DF less than an hour after he died, and he already didn’t look at all like himself. Several years on, that image of him is still very vivid in my mind, and for a long time I struggled to remember how he looked when he was alive.

As you have been warned of deterioration, I think you would find seeing him very distressing and traumatic, and it would taint your memories of him.

I’m sorry for your loss, but remember your father as he was.

I've held the hand of 2 close family members as they sadly died. Within 5 mins they looked relaxed but like an empty waxen shell of their former selves. Their "spirit" had gone. I'd no wish to see them at the undertakers, especially as in both cases there was over a 3 week wait for both funerals and the undertakers advised against viewing. Listen to their advice and maybe sit with the closed coffin or go to a place with special meaning for you both and talk to them there?

Yeah, I viewed my Nan and wish I hadn’t. Don’t do it, remember him as he was. That’s not him anymore, the bit that made him him, has gone and is at peace.

I’m so sorry.

When my daughter died (she was a day old), she did deteriorate really quickly and it was noticeable in such a short space of time. I’d listen to the funeral directors and remember your dad as he was; I’m sure that’s also how he would like you to remember him.

I saw my dad after he had died and he looked lovely and peaceful, as if he was just sleeping.

My mum was different though, and in some ways I wish I hadn't seen her as there was more deterioration with her - what looked like bruising and her nose seemed misshapen. She didn't look like my mum really.

Having read what someone else said I now realise it could have been because she was so thin and frail when she died.

Muddling so sorry you lost your lad