Social services called by school over daughter sleeping in bed with her dad

[eatmyshorts89]

Long story I'll keep it short. Me and my ex share custody of our 4 children, my youngest who's 5 often will get into bed with him as she gets nervous on her own, he puts her back but she gets back in with him later on sometimes. He has an amazing bond with all of them, she told the school today she has special cuddles with her dad. It's what she calls them or sometimes mega cuddles, I know how dodgy this sounds, but its completely innocent she use to come into bed in the morning when we were together for cuddles. It's completely innocent but obviously the school have taken it as possible abuse, and have reported it to social services. I'm literally a nervous wreck I haven't stopped crying, I feel like it's silly, I understand they have a duty of care but could they not of asked us before? What will happen? Has anybody been through this before?

Oh dear how stressful. I can see how the special cuddles phrase might be misinterpreted. Just try and hold on to the fact that the school care about your daughter and are prompt to act. I'm sure it will be sorted quickly.

Oh dear, no advice but here for a handhold

Would your older children corroborate with her that it's all innocent?

If it is a serious safeguarding issue they will not discuss it with potential abusers as it could make them coerce child into changing story, cover it up more, or make situation worse for the child. Hopefully any misunderstanding can be cleared up. They may not even know your dd has her own bed there for example.

I can see how the term special cuddles has caused concern, hopefully by speaking to your daughter the school safeguarding lead will realise its nothing to worry about. My youngest ds is 5 and quite often gets in my bed in the early hours, it's perfectly normal at that age

No they could not have asked you because their priority is protecting the child not the parents. And rightly so.

If there's nothing wrong happening then nothing will come of it. If there is, they will protect her.

I used to work in children’s services (not as a social worker) and there are many things which are referred and then dropped after a chat to resolve any misunderstanding and maybe some guidance given and agreed to. Schools have to refer things - it shows they have good safeguarding policies in place. Try not to panic. Hope you get it sorted. My 6yo comes in with us every night too and would go in with DH if I wasn’t there.

Unfortunately if they ask (abusive) people it just gives them the opportunity to cover things up & frighten the kids into lying.

Unfortunately ‘special cuddles’ does sound ‘dodgy’ so I’m not surprised they’re investigating, thankfully really because they don’t know your Ex & isn’t this what you’d want to happen with your DD (or anyone else’s!) if they told a trusted adult they were getting into bed & having ‘special cuddles’ with someone else?

Trust in the process. I assume that SS will talk to her and probably both you and her Dad and ascertain that it’s perfectly normal cuddles with Daddy & case closed. Depending on who it is they might advise she’s too old to be getting into bed for cuddles with Daddy. Personally I disagree. But it’s his home & his daughter and he gets to make that decision not me & not them!

I’m sorry your family is going through this, but hopefully it’ll be sorted out quickly.

I’d try to encourage DD to call them cuddles or Big cuddles if they need an title’ & discourage ‘special cuddles’ (as that’s often a term used in schools for making babies)

It's not about you and your feelings.

Just because you think it's innocent doesn't mean it is.

This is very unlikely to become an issue. What will likely happen is that SS will speak to you and your ex and it seems clear you trust and respect him and your stories will be the same. They may speak to DD in school with a trusted adult and ask her age appropriate questions to make sure it's just a cuddle. You seem certain it's all very innocent and given you know your ex am fairly sure you're right but try to be thankful the school take safeguarding so seriously and are ready to protect their kids.

Not sure if this will make you feel better but when I was 5, little bro used to escape his cot and come into my room, take off his nappy and pee on the carpet. I hated this as it made my room smell and once complained to a teacher I didn't like that boys came into my room without pants at night. SS were called, mum was mortified but it was all easily explained! Don't freak out. You know DD is ok. Nobody is taking her away, they're just checking on her.

As a final point, my horrid ex reported me to SS a few years ago. SS dismissed him as an attention seeker in 30 seconds flat once they'd spoken to me!

Thank you for replying it means a lot. I just can't help but always think the worse. When I was little as took me and my brothers into care for a misunderstanding, it got cleared up and we got returned and an apology but the damage was done. Social services make me so nervous

Seriously!!! I'm asking for advice!!!!!!

Oh you poor woman and your poor ex. I can understand their concerns, because of the term but I’m sure once they learn from your child that she has never been told to keep them secret, things will get sorted. My youngest still talks about my husband tucking her in and they were ‘Uncle Totally’s special tucks’, but I know they could easily be misunderstood. My youngest is my adopted niece, so he’s not a stranger that has came into her life, just in case there are concerns. We’ve since lost him and she misses his tucks even now. I can’t tuck the quilt in as firmly, so she was like a little bug in a rug.

Oh eatmyshorts89, I cross posted with you their and given your past history, I can completely understand why you’d be so worried. Keep in mind it was eventually sorted when you were a child so this time it should actually be easier.

I know how awful this must feel and it's no wonder that it's stressful but hopefully it will all be cleared up quickly and it will all be a simple misunderstanding. They really do have to report and not disclose to parents because obviously some children do experience horrific things that most of us can't even begin to imagine it's tragic and awful but this is the reason that teachers do have to be so so careful not to miss any signs at all, especially when children are very young and might not be able to explain themselves clearly, even when those "signs" are totally innocent. It's so much easier said than done but try think of it as at least you know your child goes to a fantastic school who are on top of safe guarding. I'm sure things will be sorted quickly.

My ten year old ds gets into bed with exp when sick / freaked out/ has nightmare at his. It's perfectly normal. The only issue ds had is I March him straight back to his bed in my house as his struggling keeps me awake

My partners mum thinks it’s weird my 5 year old sleeps with daddy if she’s scared and I’m working nights I think she’s weird for thinking that way.

Try not to worry it’s just a misunderstanding and poor choice of words from a 5 year old and I’m sure once it’s looked into it will be cleared up.

The statement made by your DD will have triggered a MASH referral in my school, and that could trigger SS involvement. Someone will interview all the children, yourself and their father. If it's an innocent error then nothing else will come of it.

It's not about you and your feelings.
Just because you think it's innocent doesn't mean it is.
Your first thought of a father cuddling his 5 year old daughter is suspected abuse?

The school should have really questioned your daughter more. The safe guarding lead will have training on how do this appropriately before referring to ss. Just corporate with ss fully and I'm sure this will be sorted soon.

I really feel for dads these days. If this was with the mother, nothing would be said.

My DH is a very hands in dad and special cuddles mean a Saturday morning lie in and cuddling up. There are regularly children in our bed. I can put my hands on my heart to say my DH would never be inappropriate with our kids. But I shudder when I hear these stories.

I wonder whether - sadly - the fact you aren’t together has made this worse in terms if there only being a man in the house? Awful if so, but makes you wonder.

We know a family who was investigated as dad had baths with the kids. It was investigated and all was fine but was very stressful for everyone

What’s sad is that it will probably effect how the dad relates to his daughter. The automatic cloud of suspicion men and fathers are automatically under - and of course there are bad apples who need to be caught, but it does filter through to wider society and undoubtedly deters many from careers as eg carers and early years education or just taking primary carer parent role. “Maybe it’s just better to leave all that caring and nurturing stuff to mums”.

@judgemeallyouwant

The school should have really questioned your daughter more. The safe guarding lead will have training on how do this appropriately before referring to ss.

Absolutely not! First rule of safeguarding, never question a child once they have made an allegation until you have spoken to a professional.

Some of the comments on here are terrible and not helpful at all 😩 my 4 year old son comes into my bed every day for special mummy cuddles. Would this be an issue to anyone? Why is it 1 rule for dads and 1 rule for mums. I hope you’re okay OP just keep your head up, this is obviously a misunderstanding and will be treated as such by Ss. I can understand your worry as no body wants to be on Ss radar do they

I’m interested would the remark be followed up if, to swap the roles, a five year boy remarked on his “special cuddles with mum” if there was no other hint of weirdness in the family? Just curious, but obviously having a two tier system based on the parent’s sex would surely beproblematic on multiple levels in any society striving for greater parental equality, wouldnt it?

There isn't one rule for mums and one for dads.
It is the phrase special cuddles that has caused concern.
Although the significant majority of reported child sex abusers are male.