Social services called by school over daughter sleeping in bed with her dad

[eatmyshorts89]

Long story I'll keep it short. Me and my ex share custody of our 4 children, my youngest who's 5 often will get into bed with him as she gets nervous on her own, he puts her back but she gets back in with him later on sometimes. He has an amazing bond with all of them, she told the school today she has special cuddles with her dad. It's what she calls them or sometimes mega cuddles, I know how dodgy this sounds, but its completely innocent she use to come into bed in the morning when we were together for cuddles. It's completely innocent but obviously the school have taken it as possible abuse, and have reported it to social services. I'm literally a nervous wreck I haven't stopped crying, I feel like it's silly, I understand they have a duty of care but could they not of asked us before? What will happen? Has anybody been through this before?

The school were absolutely correct in referring this to children’s social care. You say that this is innocent but you don’t know this for definite. If there is nothing untoward going on then there will be no issue if you co-operate with any investigation.
@judgemeallyouwant there is absolutely no way anyone other than the Police should be questioning the child. If there’s an investigation it will be joint between the Police and children’s social care. When I say questioning no one will actually ask the child if something has happened. It is much more subtle than that. Good luck OP. Hopefully it will all get sorted quickly.

The school should have really questioned your daughter more. The safe guarding lead will have training on how do this appropriately before referring to ss.
That would be hugely unprofessional and out of order.

The correct and professional thing to do would be to report a concern (which in this case is innocent but sounds questionable) and allow the qualified professionals to have the chats they need and clarify what they need.

Special cuddles sounds dodgy and I can absolutely see why it has been reported. I can also see why you're beside yourself.

Let them have the chats they need, all will be cleared up.

@RacBell
I agree. The more I think about it more ridiculous it becomes. Fathers actually being reported to governmental authorities for investigation on apparently the sole basis the kid says he/she jumps into their beds for cuddles!? I presume mums aren’t being pulled up for this, so where’s the trust of dads? How is equality gojng to come about in this society in which all fathers are potential sexual abusers and predators?

@dreichwinter
So a five year old boy having special cuddles with mum would get social services involved? Sorry, don’t buy it. I’ve been a primary school teacher and I don’t buy that for a second. It was because a girl made the comment about her dad and that rang the alarm bells with this particular teacher(s).

@Cam77
I don't think the facts help men here. It is true that it is suspected that female sexual abusers are underreported but even so.

Cam
The way it should be is that any reference to special cuddles would be a concern, not that mums get a free pass but dads don't.

I think you're right on the hypocrisy and I think you're right that some people would report dad but not mum.

Sadly, the idea of special cuddles (and others) are phrases used by those who harm children to minimise what is happening. I'm not saying that is the case in the OP's situation by the way, just saying that really any reference to special cuddles between adult and children should be flagged, investigated and addressed / cleared as required.

Can we please not turn this into a discussion on the rights and wrongs of whether a woman would be reported? I doubt the OP gives a shiny shite about whether it is a sexist issue. She’s just looking for advice and support.

Oh, your poor ex. I imagine he'll have a nightmarish weekend. Why do these things always happen on a Friday?

Schools are very hot on safeguarding and you need to remember that for every innocent comment (yours) there will be a family that comment means something else.
I would not worry. Schools and safeguarding teams will look at the big picture and see there is nothing else going on so will probably not even investigate it. School have to report things that are said just to cover their own backs.

you need to remember that for every innocent comment (yours) there will be a family that comment means something else

In my experience the innocent comments far outweigh the insidious ones, thankfully.

Thankyou all for your helpful comments. I do agree it doesn't sound good, there so close and it breaks my heart to think that hes having this investigation but I do understand why. As a adult I've never had any social services involvement before (other than minor contact as my job I sometimes work alongside them), its really horrible having them involved, were both very good parents, hopefully they will see this, I do agree that had it been the other way around I.e "my son having specially cuddles with mummy", that it would of been SO serious, that maybe they would of just pulled me in and asked first. I do think fathers are treat unnecessary unfair

@dreichwinter
52% of street crimes in London are committed by black men and yet black people make up just 13% of the population. Should we treat people differently and with greater/lesser suspicion for being born into a certain demographic? Bit of a slippery slope, no?

I haven't said anyone should have been treated differently, I said it was the phrase that caused concern. @Cam77

You said that men are treated differently.

I highlighted that 95% of recorded sex crimes are committed by men.

I don't think men should be treated differently, I believe sex crimes carried out by women may in fact be under reported.

I do think that police and social services should be aware of current research and that indicates a massive percentage difference in the sex of perpetrators of sexual abuse. Ignoring this fact won't make it go away.

In OPs case the situation should be able to be resolved easily by talking to the family.

50% of crimes identified. The biggest crimes in London aren’t the ones the police are investigating though and they certainly ain’t majority black!

Try not to be concerned op. I’ve done child protection training and used it in a professional setting. Certain things you Shen to las on even if you feel it’s

What she said sounded dodgy and they have to check. They just have to because for some kids that’s the moment where somebody finally sees them.

Be calm, welcome them in. Let them see that your child comes from a loving home with their own beds.
Let them ask a few questions. If there is nothing there it will soon be obvious.

I had this as a kid about my step dad after a medical receptionist reported him for touching me in a way that made me recoil.

I totally understand why she did.

They can and asked weird questions until I figured out what they were getting at and I set them straight.

You seem confident things are fine so they should be able to see that for themselves with a quick chat.

Am I the only one reading this who thinks that having special cuddles with your 5 yo dd is a little inappropriate for a man? Innocent though it may be, I wouldn't want it for my dd. If you want the graphic details why, I will go into them, but if you use your imaginations, you'll figure it out.
It's time for dd and Dad to realise that she's not a baby anymore.
I also think telling you this before a professional has spoken to your child is stupid of them as IF anything sinister was going on, you'd both or either/or have plenty of time to coach dd on what to say and what not to say.
And Yes, to a pp - 'special cuddles' or similar is what some bastards use to minimise what they're doing.

I agree with it being escalated, but understand it must be truly stressful for you both.

Out of curiosity, what was the misunderstanding that resulted in you being taken off your parents?

Sorry, another question. Since you speak so fondly of your ex, why did you split up?

What she said sounded dodgy and they have to check. They just have to because for some kids that’s the moment where somebody finally sees them.
Be calm, welcome them in. Let them see that your child comes from a loving home with their own beds.
Let them ask a few questions. If there is nothing there it will soon be obvious.
This is really good advice.

@Alrighteo don't be absurd. I still have cuddles with my 6 year old when he comes into bed. 5 is not too old for cuddles! Jesus.

I also think this is absurd. That five year olds can no longer cuddle their dads in bed is so utterly ridiculous and sad.

The first thing I'd say is that they are just investigating if anything is up. They are not on a concerted campaign to take away the kids - overwhelmingly likely they will quickly see the misunderstanding and move on.

NB, don't think cuddles for a 5yo are at all inappropriate and I think it's kind of fucked up that we are so quick so sexualise healthy family affection.

That five year olds can no longer cuddle their dads in bed is so utterly ridiculous and sad.
Nobody is saying they can't.

It's the phrase "special cuddle" that will have been the concern.

That’s also absurd. To a child a special cuddle means special time with dad (or mum).

I have daughters and they all have special cuddles/time with their daddy.

It's not absurd when it's a phrase used by those who harm children (because it sanitises and masks what's actually going on). Clearly, it's a winner given that enough people on here think nobody should bat an eye lid at it despite safeguarding training saying otherwise.

I always wonder on threads like these how many people who are quick to claim things on safeguarding are absurd / ridiculous / waste of time / should have spoken to the adult they had a concern about to ask "are you abusing a child" etc have actually done any safeguarding training.

I should make it clear again, I'm in no way saying anything untoward is happening in the OP situation, nor am I saying anyone who uses the phrase is doing anything untoward.
I'm just saying that there's a reason abusers and those who harm children use phrases that they think will fly under the radar and have people think "how lovely for them to have such a close relationship"

Well is there any evidence that abusers will call such acts “special” cuddles anyway?

I’m now even more concerned I have to
tell my husband how to phrase things with the kids. (And I can put my life on the fact he would never abuse them).