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Original poster

My friend said she feels sorry for my kids because they are asked to help out round the house

89 replies

nutcracker · 01/08/2007 18:06

Which made me feel a bit shite.

Dd1 is 9.9, Dd2 7.8 and Ds 4.8 and just recently I have started asking the elder two especially to help out a bit by drying up after lunch (only small amount), getting washing in (again small amount), and doing their own hot choc of a night (only using micro).

I don't always ask them to do it, and alot of the time they offer and even argue over it, but I feel guilty now, especially as my friend said 'and you don't even give them reg pocket money', which is true I don't, when I have it spare they have some, when I don't they don't. They don't expect on reg basis (ie every sat) and so if they don't get it one week it's not a prob.

So, question is, am i the only evil mother who does this ? and should i feel guilty ?

OP posts:
KristinaM · 01/08/2007 19:56

they are not doing chores for pocket money, they are doing them to make an age appropriate contribution to the work of running the house. after all no one pays you for doing houseowrk do they?

you are not their servant you are their trainer. you are traning them to be self sufficient when they leave your home at 18ish.

snowleopard · 01/08/2007 20:01

Just more of the same, but my 2yo DS helps me do the washing and hang it up, make his tea, wipe up spills etc. Any sensible parent would train their kids that these things need doing - you wouldn't not let them learn maths and reading, so why not teach them about life's everyday realities? Daft bint.

Two threads on here recently about grown men-children who haven't a clue how to lift a finger and aren't capable of leaving home. Why any parent lets this happen is beyond me. Yet i have also had boyfriends who were totally clueless. One had never seen any food in its raw state in his entire life - he was baffled by fresh, raw mushrooms and potatoes. Another one decided to help me cook, I asked him to drain the pasta and told him how, and he poured the boiling water over his hand while holding the colander.

Why do people want to raise idiots...?

lizziemun · 01/08/2007 20:06

nutcracker

Your have the pleasure of laughing at her in 10 years time when she complaining that all she does is cook and tidy up after her children as she has never asked them to do anything.

For what it worth dd who is 3.6 set her place at the table, after she has finished she will clear her plate to the kitchen.

We haven't asked to do this she does it. When we grew up we had set jobs we had to do from about 5years, by the time i was 14 i was preparring and starting dinner as my parents worked full time.

rantinghousewife · 01/08/2007 20:07

Haven't read all of the messages but, she's highly unlikely to feel sorry for them, when they leave home and can cope and her dc can't. My dc's both help me out and ds who's in his teens does a full hoovering of the house on a Saturday morning, aswell as emptying the dishwasher everyday and tidying his own room. I'm not going to come round and do it for him when he leaves home so he might aswell learn now.

cylon · 01/08/2007 20:09

nutty, if your dc are that old and dont know how to do the things you are asking them to do, then i would feel sorry for them/
any parent who acts like a servant for their dc is doing them a great disservice. these are all life skills and essential for learning how to live.

i still remember the blokes at uni who didnt know how to use a washing machine, or cook an omelette. we just laughed at them.

Quattrocento · 01/08/2007 20:13

Nutty - I do the same.

If you have any doubts at all whether you are doing the right thing - read the thread about the poor woman with a 25 year old incompetent son still in residence ...

littlelapin · 01/08/2007 20:14

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littlelapin · 01/08/2007 20:15

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littlelapin · 01/08/2007 20:15

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JudgeyMcJudgeson · 01/08/2007 20:16

lol at g&t.

No one's agreed with nutty's friend yet then

EffiePerine · 01/08/2007 20:23

You need to teach your kids how to do housework, cook etc. Means they are useful members of society. DH's mum did everything for him and being with me has been a bit of a steep learning curve

LadyMacbeth · 01/08/2007 20:23

Read this thread as well as the one Piggy suggests.

Quattrocento · 01/08/2007 20:25

Oh well done Lady M - that's the thread I was thinking of ...

bumperlicious · 01/08/2007 20:26

God no, you are not evil! DD is only 6 weeks old, but as soon as she can hold her head up she's getting up that chimney!

Seriously, I think kids should have to do some small chores, remember it's a family house and everyone should muck in a bit.

As for the pocket money thing if you don't have the money to spare they can't have it. It's great they don't expect it, they probably deserve it all the more when they do get it.

Plus you don't want your kids to leave home and think the magic washing up fairy takes their plates from the table, washes them up and puts them away!

berolina · 01/08/2007 20:28

ds (2.2) tidies his room every evening before bed (with me supervising and sometimes helping), loves to carry the breakfast things through to the table and help clear away again, and helps put washing up away. Cleaning the bathroom is dh's job, and ds loves nothing more than to 'help' daddy with a cloth of his own.

My brother and I didn't have to help for a long time (I think my mother thought we would make too much mess etc.) and IMO my parents introduced chores far too late - we moaned and complained and they never really became a regular thing.

Original poster
nutcracker · 01/08/2007 22:27

Thanks guys, I knew was right really

OP posts:
JudgeyMcJudgeson · 01/08/2007 22:35

mners all agreeing on a topic - that must be a first

mymama · 01/08/2007 22:43

Your friend hasn't got a clue. Wait until she has kids.

dd (8.9) has to unstack the dishwasher every morning and set the table for dinner each night. These jobs earn her pocket money. She also has to put her school bag away, keep her room tidy and help dress her little brother sometimes. These jobs are because she is part of a family and everyone in a family helps out.

ds1 and ds2 have no additional chores but also have to put their shoes and clothes away and keep their rooms tidy. They are 6.9 and 3.11.

Your friend should see my brother's kids. They have to clean bathrooms, vacuum and dust the whole house and are same ages as my kids.

Anna8888 · 02/08/2007 08:06

Judgey - thought the same as you .

My partner and basically agree that children ought to help out, but we have issues agreeing what is age-appropriate... I wish there was some timeline out there indicating what normally-developing children ought to be able to do in the way of household chores by a particular age - an extended version of the development timeline in the NHS 0-5 book. Would resolve lots of discussions

startouchedtrinity · 02/08/2007 08:08

Your dcs should help out and not get paid for it. You are teaching them life skills. Pocket money can come from extra tasks like car cleaning. After all, I don't get paid for doing the dishes - the satisfaction is in the job (I wish).

bozza · 02/08/2007 08:31

Nutty the pocket money issue is because you are short of money. You have mentioned on other threads that you would love to be able to treat your children more. But we would all agree that food on the table and the gas bill paid are more important than pocket money in the grand scheme.

So your friend thinks because you are hard up you should make yourself a slave to your children . I think you are doing the right thing for them to eventually become competent, self-sufficient adults. Just make sure you don't forget to do it with DS because he is the "baby" because IMO it is even more important with boys. I certainly expect some help from my two who are 6 and 3. They are expected to tidy their rooms (sometimes require guidance), put their dirty laundry in the basket, and fetch and carry for me. Plus DS is also expected to unload the dishwasher or load the washing machine if asked and DD to set the table if asked.

bozza · 02/08/2007 08:32

Sounding a bit like Xenia there with the boys comment. But I do think that domestically she has a point.

Anna8888 · 02/08/2007 08:37

Bozza - no doubt about it, domesticity doesn't come as easily to boys as to girls... so it's far harder work to teach them, and easy to end up letting them off the hook (seems like less work to do it than to convince them to do it).

bozza · 02/08/2007 08:51

But anna it is rubbish when teenage/young adult males are useless around the house. But it winds me up when often they have younger sisters who are quite capable. When I met DH he was living with his parents and younger sister. He was working in a role that required shirts, as was his sister. MIL did DH's ironing but not SILs. Now I do some of DH's ironing, and he does some of mine, although I have noticed a tendency in him to avoid the more frilly of DD's clothes.

Anna8888 · 02/08/2007 08:55

Bozza - I completely agree that it is appalling to have totally undomesticated boys and men around - since I have three of them, my partner and my two stepsons - I didn't bring any of them up . Fortunately my partner understands the issues quite well so we are working on general all round reeducation.

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