An apprehensive post....

[LiamsMum]

This might sound pathetic but my in-laws are coming to stay with us for 5 weeks from overseas, and I don't feel I can face the prospect. They are due to arrive at any moment and I have this sinking feeling about being trapped in my own house with them and my lively two year-old for the next five weeks, while my dh goes back to work. I know there are more important things going on in the world but would appreciate the prayers of Rhubarb, Bloss, Threeangels, etc etc to get me through this with my sanity in-tact. Thank you in advance... (SAD I KNOW!!!)

Liamsmum, some good coping strategies on this thread here Good luck!

LiamsMum, I'm so sorry about your problem. I'm one who understands. My motherinlaw came up for just 3 days 2 years ago and my dh had to work one of those days. I thought I would die when he told me. I'm not even comfortable being around her one day alone. I cant imagine for 5 weeks. I would just make them feel free to feel at home and to come and go anytime they would like. Maybe offere a house key for them. Do you feel comfortable with them coming in and out alone? Are they driving their own own car? When you feel the need to go out just invite them to show your considerate. They may even decline since theyll have a key of their own to come and go as they please. You should not have to be stuck at home since theyll be there so long. Good luck and hope all works out.

oops, I guess the car question was a stupid one.

LiamsMum, threeangels' idea of a car is quite good - what about hiring a car for them? Or treating them to a weekend in a hotel, or even a coach trip around the Lake District, if you can manage it? At least it might break things up a bit. We did this in reverse and moved in with my parents whilst our house was renovated and it is stressful, but the time soon goes and things will get back to normal. Good luck!

Liamsmum, phew! 5 weeks! No you're not sad - and I'd be more than happy to be added to your list of prayer buddies, I would be asking the same if in your shoes! It may not be as bad as you think though, and they may have the same idea as Ionesmum and 3angels to get out and about to see some of the country. All the very best, keep us posted! XX

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Thanks everyone, so far so good (it's only been 1 day!). I'll offer them the use of my car but don't know how keen they are to drive. We also offered to book them on a short holiday but they said they didn't want to go anywhere (EEEKK!!). My dh will have a little bit of free time so we'll just have to take them on a few day trips and hope that they don't just sit around for the rest of the time.. thanks again for your support.

Liamsmum, I'd stick to your normal routine as much as you can. Eg if you go to toddler groups etc just carry on as usual. If it's somewhere they might be able to come, maybe you can ask them along but if not, you can just say 'This is Liam's afternoon at Toddlers, I'll be back at 4' or something. Good luck!

I thouroughly sympathise with you, everytime dh asks me if it's ok that his mum is coming I have a terrible urge to say NO, but I know I don't have the right to do so.
What I've been trying to do recently was to keep doing all the things I had been doing anyway (ie motehr and baby groups etc), and send her out with dd as much as possible, so in the end I gained some free time for myself, or I would leave her at home with dd and go out myself.
But I can understand how you feel, my MIL does not speak English and if I don't push her a little bit, she tends to sit at home all day playing with DD with me sitting watching them, or trying to do housework (very depressing!!!).

Poor Liamsmum, of course I will pray for you, if he's still listening after I blasphemed on another thread! I don't think your inlaws will expect you to give up your normal routine for them. The weather is lovely today, do you have parks near you? You could go for a picnic today, then leave them to their own devices tomorrow. Ask them if they have any plans of how to use their time, they might want a bit of space themselves. Or perhaps granddad might like a bit of time with his grandson whilst you go shopping with grandma and get into her good books! They may want to take him out for the day and give you a break!

5 weeks is a very long time though, does your dh have other family members they would like to visit??

Liamsmum - are they happy to look after dd(?)
for you, either in the house or taking her out?

If so, you could possibly use the next 5 weeks as a bit of a rest?

As we live away from friends and family now, we quite frequently have guests staying with us. I definitely find just doing your normal thing the best way to cope. I'm more likely to ask if it's ok for them to keep an eye on ds's while I pop out for a while or something, in that way you're not on top of each other.

Or you could do things like go to the zoo, pool, museum etc that dd would like, and presumably they would like too, if not for the place itself, then for dd's enjoyment of it.

Good luck

Oh, dear, Liamsmum. I think that Monkey's suggestion is goo. I hope things go well - will remember you in my prayers too.

LiamsMum - My thoughts are with you, my inlaw arrived for one week when ds was 2 months, when she left the trail of deverstation to my nerves was only matched by the one to our home. On a positive note though - we found each other's company so difficult that we generally stayed in different rooms and kept ourselves to ourselves when dh was not about to mediate.

I can only suggest that if you can't pursuade them to take trips out (they are on holiday afterall, and should be encouraged to act like tourists and visit many many places - I hear the Scottish Highlands are full of midgies this time of year ) that you leave dear inlaws to get to know their grandchild and slip off for some well deserved r&r.

It hasn't even been a week and my nerves are frayed already. DH's stepmother is fine, very unobtrusive and seems willing to fit in with us. It's dh's father that is making me want to scream - he has started pointing out things that ds shouldn't be doing (ds enjoys collecting stones, but has a tendency to put them in his mouth. He knows he's not supposed to, but sometimes still does it). So FIL lectured me yesterday on how I will have to keep a constant watch on ds so that he doesn't do things like this, as if I am a bad mother for taking my eyes off him for a few minutes. He also got irate during a tv programme I was watching last night (it's like a live talk-show/current affairs type programme). He didn't like what the people on the programme were saying and carried on about it until I ended up changing the channel just to keep him happy. Also, he always expects his lunch/tea/coffee to be made for him, when he is perfectly capable of getting his own but obviously doesn't want to. And last but not least, he is quite loud and managed to disturb ds during his nap today. Right now I feel like drinking an enormous glass of vodka or something and spending the next few days in isolation. Do you think it's wrong for me to expect them to make their own sandwiches etc for lunch? I already cook dinner and I don't feel I should have to do everything when they will be here for five weeks. Sorry for the rant but I feel I may be showing some of my irritation towards them and really don't want to create waves. Thank you....

Oh dear, the vodka comment didn't sound too good did it... but you know what I mean (I hope).

Sympathy for you Liamsmum. I think that if they are staying for five weeks they should expect to muck in a bit with things like making drinks, sandwiches, washing up etc. I mean its not like you're asking them to clean the toilet is it? A weekend you could maybe wait on them but not for a full five weeks. Can you contrive to disappear at lunchtime or something so they don't have any choice....

I'd be tempted to get yourself out for a lunch meet up with a friend (real or just the local shopping centre) and leave them to it. Just say it has been arranged for ages or pretend it is a weekly thing - a comment like I will be back around 3.00pm - help yourselves to a sandwich, coffee etc. and I will see you later.
I have also had MIL & FIL staying with us for nearly six months whilst they sorted out buying a house (was only supposed to be for a month but their initial house purchase went wrong!!) - fortunately, I work full time so I was not there during the day but I still felt that my home and family had been taken over - managed to stay cool though - just!

I have MIL living with us for 6 months and things are so far working out okay, despite a VERY ROCKY start. See the thread MIL Living with us for 6 months - ARRGGGGHH in the Relationships forum.

Dejags

Liamsmum - what a pain for you - the situation can be as easy or difficult as the people involved choose to make it, and FIL seems to be choosing the hard way. Luckily step MIL seems a bit more helpful - maybe she's even embarrassed about his behaviour, even if she hasn't said anything?, and perhaps she could be willing to help out?

Why not consider being honest about the lunch situation - I am quite open about the fact I hate cooking. I'll be a good hostess for a couple of days, but 5 weeks is stretching your hospitality a but far. Perhaps you could say that as you're cooking tea they could prepare lunch - or take you out to lunch? Or you could just say sorry, you can't face doing lunch (AGAIN) today, so .... (give them a chance to offer to make or treat you out) and if no such offer is coming, say you're going to treat yourself. Or why not arrange a zoo/park visit for the morning, which will incorporate a cafe -for-lunch visit? I've done all these things, and there's never been a problem (only when I've gone ahead and made the lunch without saying anything and got in a bad mood!)

Re the tv - is there a tv in your bedroom? I know you may feel like you shouldn't be evicted from your living room, but you can just look on it in a different way and think you're getting an hour or 2's peace and quiet. If FIL comments again, you could just say ypou're going to watch tv in your room if he's not enjoying it (nicely of course), then you get your peace, hopefully you'll look good, and he might think twice about being so rude. On the other hand, does he get to choose something he likes occasionally - when staying with my mum & step dad for the week, they didn't once let me watch something I wanted, and I was treated to non-stop cricket and war-documentaries the whole time, and bearing in mind I don't even have a TV, so it would have been a very rare treat for me, I was really p*d off by the end of the week, especially as I felt I had no choice byt to sit & suffer as I didn't want to appear rude by going off & shutting myself in my room all night. So that may be a consideration to help keep the peace?

I also have problems with noise, especially during nap times, so now I say I'm just going to put ds down for his nap, so if anyone wanmts something from upstairs, can they get it now, as I don't want anyone going up while he's sleeping - the stairs are so creaky - sorry etc. Then during nap time & make them stick to it. If they really need to go up, I offer to get the article for them, as I know I can do it quietly. We even fitted foam to our bathroom door frame, as FIL CANNOT shut the door quietly, and he always needs to pee at 3 am!

Finally, his comments on ds & the stones. What a pain - I'd be so annoyed by this. I suppose at times it wouldn't hurt to show you're annoyed? Maybe then he'll back off. Or you could sigh and say, well, if I didn't have to wait on you hand & foot I would be able to take better care of him! (Only joking). Maybe you could make a joke along the lines of how active and adventurous he is & what a shame you don't have eytes in the back of your head etc. You could also try asking him & mil to keep an eye on him - quote fil's keeness for him to be observed constantly, while you go off & do something (like drink the vodka). If all else fails, moan to dh, make sure dh witnesses the critisism & get him to politely ask fil not to make such comments.

Good luck!

I think you should show that you are irritated. His behaviour sounds childish and wearing, and I don't think it will do anyone any harm to show that you are annoyed.

Thanks everyone (again). Monkey at least you made me laugh with some of your comments, thank you for all your advice. I do have a tv in my bedroom and I think I'll be making use of it pretty soon. FIL was slamming cupboard doors and drawers today in the kitchen while ds was asleep, and then proceeded to talk loudly right near ds's bedroom. When ds woke up crying, I said something like "oh no, he's woken up" and then FIL said "I don't know why, it's not like there's been any noise or anything." AAAAARRRGGHHH!!! I was so annoyed by this point.

Anyway I've calmed down a bit now but I just hope things fall into place very soon. They were a bit more helpful with dinner tonight so perhaps they are getting the message. Thanks again for your help...

He's probably the old-fashioned type who believes that a woman's place is in the home and looking after her children, I'll bet your MIL does all his cooking and cleaning doesn't she?

Since she seems to be ok, why not have a quiet word with her. Just say something like "Oh, I'm quite tired looking after ds all day and it's a bit of a strain cooking for 5, do you think you and FIL could sort your own lunches out, as that would be a big help?" I'm sure she'll be very understanding. You could also say to your FIL, "You know ds is a very light sleeper so we normally try to be quiet during his day naps - we don't want him keeping us up all night do we?!" If you say it in a humourous way, he will get the point without being offended.

Have they taken ds out on their own yet then? Have you suggested this to them? They'd also make great babysitters if you and dh want to get out this weekend, go for a meal or something just to relax.

It must be really awkward for you. Hope things settle down soon, as they surely must!

I had in-laws for 3 weeks when dd was 2 weeks old and FIL sounds very much like yours. DH also was at work the whole time and in-laws never went out anywhere just sat about moaning about this and that as they don't like London at the best of times. Anyway that was nearly 2 years ago and I am still affected by the experience. I wish I had not held my tongue and said exactly what needed to be said as I am now left with resentment and loathing towards them both - wouldn't have them to stay for dd christening weekend and DH put them in b&b, will only visit for max 5 days at new year - now 2nd baby due in Sept have already told dh they cannot come till I am ready and HE MUST TAKE THE WEEK OFF or I go to my parents. I suggest you talk through I few concerns with your DH and then sit down all together and talk it over. If they are offended they will get over it but for the sake of future relationship the air must be cleared. I am stressing already and I don't think my attitude towards my in-laws is healthy but I can't move on until I tell them how I feel and I am scared to do this I suppose.