An apprehensive post....

[LiamsMum]

This might sound pathetic but my in-laws are coming to stay with us for 5 weeks from overseas, and I don't feel I can face the prospect. They are due to arrive at any moment and I have this sinking feeling about being trapped in my own house with them and my lively two year-old for the next five weeks, while my dh goes back to work. I know there are more important things going on in the world but would appreciate the prayers of Rhubarb, Bloss, Threeangels, etc etc to get me through this with my sanity in-tact. Thank you in advance... (SAD I KNOW!!!)

The strange thing is that dh hardly talks to them when he is around, so basically I feel obliged to chat to them and keep them happy while dh carries on doing his own thing. He almost seems a bit surly (sp?) and I've asked him a couple of times why he doesn't talk to them much and he just says that he's being the same as usual. The last time he saw his father was six years ago and he may not see him again (he's in his 70's) so I would have thought he would make the most of his time with them. Guess I'm now beginning to feel a bit disconcerted by dh's attitude... it's never ending is it??!!

Maybe your dh has issues with them he hasn't talked about. Again, I would get your MIL to one side one day and have a girly chat with her. If you have noticed dh's behaviour then she will have to. She may be able to enlighten you or perhaps talk to dh herself. It would be wise to get her on your side so if there are any problems, you can go straight to her without feeling apprehensive.

Perhaps your FIL would babysit whilst you and MIL go out shopping? Or go somewhere for a coffee?

Liamsmum - I really think bottling up your feelings doesn't work. You'll only end up exploding or just hating your in-laws. I think you need to be honest and say quite simply, 'I don't cook lunch but do feel free to help yourself to anything in the kitchen and make something for yourselves.' And I agree, follow this up by contriving to be out at lunchtime the next day so they get the message. If you FIL says he'd like a coffee, just say, brightly and smilingly, 'Well, there's plenty of milk and the coffee's just by the kettle.' Don't make excuses or explain - you aren't their servant. And yes, let them take out your ds and have some time to yourself and use them as babysitters while you go out with your dh. As for feeling the need to make conversation, if you don't want to talk, don't. Either they won't notice, which will be fine, or they will be obliged to make an effort themselves, which will also be fine. The sky won't fall in if you just behave naturally. I think women have such a problem feeling responsible for everyone's happiness, we often end up over-compensating, getting angry and resentful, yet nobody even notices. Don't worry about other big, grown up people, they can jolly well look after themselves (otherwise they'd be dead of starvation by now ). As for the making noise, I'm so strict about this and won't hesitate to tell anyone to shhh and say, please keep the noise down, ds can't sleep through noise and he needs his sleep. This is true, and you shouldn't feel at all guilty about pointing it out. Your FIL doesn't sound that unusual actually, he's just got grumpy old man syndrome!

Liamsmum- oh how I sympathise! I'm not overly keen on my FIL either, as dh knows. He's mid seventies, diabetic and suffers from the inability to do anything himself syndrome. He has a v short fuse, especially with inanimate objects, and if things go missing (cos he's so untidy he can never find anything). He's stayed on/off over the past 6years, usually with no notice, and treats us like a hotel. Worse still, he always seems to chose days when dh is away or oncall(hosp dr). He has no idea about the extra work he creates by being here, does nothing to help. Oh and he expects us to sit down (incl ds1 and ds2 21mo and 3.5mo) and watch 2hours of holiday video, usually of the inside of a camera bag or local curio shop!!!
I find 5 days difficult let alone 5weeks!!
At least if MIL is with him she does a lot of the food prep and child care, esp of ds1 whom she adores!! But they think the idea of a routine is mad, although I'm slowly bringing them around as they can't believe how good both boys are! She offers to go out on walks with ds1, does the hoovering and ironing and just about anything, no need to ask, she just does!! Bless!
I'd def speak to fil outlining that ds is your priority and that though you are happy to prepare supper, lunch is up to him as you have more than enough to do. As others have said, show him around the kitchen pointing out tea/coffee etc so he knows where everything is and can help himself. Perhaps tell them that you'd appreciate the chance to go out during lunchtime naps to get some shopping or whatever, bet he keeps quiet if he's left in charge! I used to give written details about what needed doing (bit OTT now I think about it, but wish I had to dh this morning as on return from the shops found that ds2 hadn't had his am nap, doh!).
Thinking of you and wishing that 5weeks passes quickly without the manslaughter rates going up!!

Aloha I'm so glad someone has finally advised poor old Liamsmum to tell it to them straight. We are all grown up now and have to be assertive in these situations otherwise it's just stress city. New babies cause enough adjusting/ tiredness and god knows what else and we have to talk frankly to partners, other children, relations and friends whenever we can. It saves so many headaches. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen if I (for instance) ask them to make their own lunch. Once you've thought of the answer you'll be itching to be frank with the lazy gits!!!!

BTW I'm not saying I'm perfect at this because it does take courage but when I do speak up it is always worth it.

I am going to be rediculously petty maybe here, but I really feel like no one ever bother to listen to a single word I say/ write! I mean, frankly I felt I could really relate to this problem, and feel like I gave a long and considered response. I even said to tell the in laws to make their own lunch, yet suddenly -at last- aloha's finally given the right advice! Absolutely no offense intended yo you aloha. I mean yes, I'm being petty petty and you'll all hate me and think I'm a pathetic cow, but it's not just this discussion. No one ever bloody takes any notice of any thing I say. Clearly I am a waste of your time! I've been with mumsnet I think nearly 2 years, but I feel I am clearly not a part of this happy little group. (With 3 very special exceptions to whom I apologise if you ever read this).

So I'll so and pull myself together and say a big adieu to you all.

Monkey - please see my last couple of posts... I read your answer and thanked you for your advice, and I felt you had taken particular care and thought in replying to me. I hope you don't leave, I think perhaps sometimes people don't read each and every post and they just respond to the ones they have read. It's probably more an oversight, rather than rejection.

Monkey... don't really know what to say here with out sounding naff and obsequious but I value your contributions a lot and am sure I'm not alone in that. I certainly don't think of your posts as a waste of time! I think it's maybe easy to imagine a close-knit core of mumsnet regulars from whom you are excluded but I don't think it actually works like that. I know I went through a phase of feeling like a "thread killer" ie: whenever I posted everyone else stopped! Perhaps it's just "the nature of the beast" that is a talk forum? I eventually decided to view it as meaning that since I'd already said everything there was to say on the matter there was no point in others going there!
I hope you'll reconsider anyway. We'd miss you.

Monkey, don't leave. Liamsmum did thank you and reply to your post. If this doesn't always happen I'm sure it's not deliberate - do you agree that sometimes there are so many replies and the thread gets so long that it's impossible to reply to/thank everyone? I certainly don't always thank people individually - it just wouldn't be practical sometimes. And I really hope mumsnet isn't cliquey. I've been very aware of something Tigermoth said about meet ups which is that she tries to avoid them changing how or to whom she posts. I've tried to follow her good example on this.

Off the top of my head I can't think whether I've ever replied/not replied to a post from you but I wouldn't want to see anyone leave since diverse opinions are one of the things that makes this board great. Hope you reconsider.

oh blimey, I'm really sorry I sounded off. I didn't do so in the hope that people would write & beg me to reconsider, although it was sweet of you 3 to take the time to say some words. You know i wasn't having a go at Liamsmum, and I wish you all the best with the rest of your visit.

I guess I'm just way too sensitive & tired and plain stupid. Sorry, I am really embarrassed to not having just turned off the computer instead of getting into a flouncy strop about it. I'm honestly not a drama queen really.

Monkey, I can empathise with you to some extent, I've posted a long message and not had a specific response and I'll admit I've got the huff! So I'm a saddo too, but like www says sometimes threads get so long, and if the person you were addressing misses a day or so, your message gets lost in the ether! I know it's not a personal rejection, and it would be really sad to see you leave.

Me, too, monkey, jodee, scummymummy, hope I haven't missed any out....!!!

I have sometimes felt in both positions - ignored or a thread-killer - thing is that although you notice and feel it when it's you, you don't when it's others, and while it doesn't happen to everybody it does to quite a few.

Agree that on a long thread posts get flown past sometimes. Monkey, I actually did a post not unlike yours several months back - another flouncy strop! - also felt a bit silly later - it sounds as if you are staying after all and I am glad about that!

monkey et al, i too have been through a phase where i thought i was killing every thread i contributed to, my comments were ignored, quite detailed posts in reply to a question someone had asked not acknowledged/thanked...

i'm glad it's not just me that sometimes feels like this - although sure it's not deliberate. i think it's maybe one of those things when communication is not face to face.

where has everyone gone?

Monkey, just got back from a weekend away and would just like to add to the chorus of women who all occasionally feel sad and useless because they think advice they gave has been ignored. I think most people who think about what they post on here do so in anticipation of what the response will be to their advice/opinions and are bound to feel hurt when stuff gets overlooked on long or busy threads. I'm glad you're not leaving and that I'm not the only one who looks in the mirror occasionally and sees a thread-killer!

Oh Monkey, that was me you were having a go at wasn't it? This is my first experience of someone being cross with me anonymously, how wierd. Having re-read your first post, I see that you too were advocating assertiveness and I apologise if I ignored your advice. I think it was great advice for Liamsmum but as a less involved reader (ie not being the starter) on this thread I must admit I didn't read your very long post in detail. Do you always on other threads? Anyway, sorry for putting you in a bad mood, glad you got out of it. Please reply and say if it was me and if I've got myself out of this hole ok.

Lol Elf

Oops Monkey - in my post I did use the word 'agree' meaning I was saying that I thought previously given advice was excellent... I think we've all been there regarding the 'but I said that already' feeling. Sorry if you felt that I was in any way taking credit for your good advice!

You've all meade me feel REALLY embarrassed now. I am actually blushing with how idiotic I am.

I'll just go and flush my head down the toilet.

Don't worry Monkey, we've all been there and done that! I just think, well my advice is there, either take it or don't, but it's free anyway! However if you've written a personal post and no-one replies it can feel a bit gutting. Don't do a blue goldfish though!!!

I'm maybe really thick & about to set myself up for more embarrassment - but what's a blue goldfish rhubarb?

It's a slang term for someone flushing their head down the toilet! I think it originated from rugby when they used to do it to the new recruits as their 'induction'! I think Blue Goldfish is supposed to represent the cleaning thing some people stick on the rim of their toilets. Oops, I sound very knowledgeable about this don't I? I had better stop there!

well Rhubarb, you learn something new every day, thanks for that

Liam, get a temp job for the 5 weeks...leave them to it!

;-)

Jbr I must admit I nearly considered doing that!! It goes smoothly sometimes, and then there are those very 'tedious' moments. Oh well, only another 3 weeks to go...

I'm quite new to this and have already felt 'told off' after some of the replies, so I feel for you, Monkey. I suppose these conversations are a little like communicating from the anonymity of your car - we say things that we wouldn't if it were face-to-face.