Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

A different perspective about leaving a child alone

106 replies

chocolatekimmy · 10/05/2007 22:00

There is one point that doesn't appear to be coming across in the numerous postings and articles since the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

When a parent makes a decision to leave a child to 'pop out' for a while or however long it happens to be - do they not consider something happening to them whilst out that prevents them from returning to their child who is then left alone and defenceles without anyone realising it.

It never crossed my mind until I mentioned to my mum about someone I know who used to put her very young baby 'safe' in her cot to go out running to get rid of some of the stress she had from the babies crying (despite much protest). She felt that no harm could come to the baby (aside from considering fire etc). My mum just said - "so what happens if she gets run over and killed or injured badly and no one knows that the baby is at home alone"?

Its just another consideration for those that make that decision.

OP posts:
pooka · 11/05/2007 08:05

Don't wheel the pram in because the particular shop I'm talking about is miniscule. LIke open door, 6 square feet of space with floor to ceiling windows and a counter and lovely bread. Long queues out of the shop. Lots of people around and me practically in touching distance of ds!

Equally, we often go to the local play park. DS in pram, dd tearing about. When he's out of the pram, both of them tearing about. I don't split into two so there are times when I am not next to both of them. I really really cannot see the problem with that. I am in earshot, an in sight of them. Short of strapping them both to me (all nearly 5 stone combined of them) can't see an alternative.

Fillyjonk · 11/05/2007 08:17

people don't think about the consequences of NOT leaving the kid

going running to relieve stress-fkn GREAT idea. better than taking it out on the kid (which you WILL do, not that you'd beat them but you'd be a less good mummy)

The problem here is NOT that she has left the kid, if the kid is happy and asleep, or even just screeching and so she needs a break, but that she feels unable to tell anyone. THAT is what is putting the child in danger.

We are not meant to parent in such an isolated fashion. This one-parent-one-child business can cause much stress, IMO.

Fillyjonk · 11/05/2007 08:20

"we are still letting him go as it is doing wonders for his self-esteem. He thinks it's great! "

and thats the OTHER thing

kids NEED freedom. They need to make their own mistakes. And that DOES mean risk. But the benefits of this are huge.

Ok heres a smallish example. My kids have never had a stairgate. They are VERY safe on stairs and have never fallen down even strange, steep stairts (dp likes castles ). They have both had a decent amount of practice on their own stairs and the stairs are not a strange forbidden thing that they are drawn to.

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 08:23

Hurrah Filly! Have made this point too on a previous thread..leaving a small child glued to TV for 3 mins whilst you go to the post box is the first steps to independence..leaving baby in safe in a cot whilst mum runs of stress is far from ideal but it if it helps mum get back her sense of balance then so be it

We all parent differently but I think that fundamentally we assess our children, the situation and the risk and make a decision on that.

There is no wrong or right - it is all too subjective.

OrmIrian · 11/05/2007 08:24

Totally agree fillyjonk. With everything.

As it happens I'm not on my own. If my ten yr or 8 yr old suddenly found himself on his own for an unexpectedly long time he'd ring his dad. And DH would be home soon anyway.

Fillyjonk · 11/05/2007 08:28

the other side to it is that its a bit nerve-wracking watching your pfb teetering up the stairs of a castle keep, or disapearing out of your sight, but-being a parent IS hard at times.

FrannyandZooey · 11/05/2007 08:30

Agree Filly. Except the stairs bit. Stairs are evil and impossible and shouldn't be attempted by anyone under 40.

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 08:31

LOL F& Z Have just slipped down mine again...

OrmIrian · 11/05/2007 08:32

Tis true. All 3 are very physically active and unafraid. My DB and myself were quiet rather static children and my Mum frets when she's looking after mine "I hate seeing them do XXXX" so I tell her simply not to look .

lisad123 · 11/05/2007 08:32

I would never consider leaving my DD alone in the house, for longer than it take for me to go to my car to get something (i leave front door open). Kids do sleep, so theres your me time, dont get how that woman could go running and leave child.

I always wonder how these children feel when they wake and find parent not there, or are crying for longer than normal as parent cant hear.
We had 2 children I work with, aged 3 and 2 at thetime, that let themselfs out of the house one morning while parents slept and were missing for 3 hours!
L

FrannyandZooey · 11/05/2007 08:33

I hate stairs

especially castle type stairs

and I always will go up and then at the top I say to dp "oh god why did you let me come up here?" and then I have to sit on the floor for 5 mins shaking

great fun

ruthydd · 11/05/2007 08:33

Good point chocolatekimmy. Next time I pop to the shop 20m away for a pint of milk I'll put a note in my pocket saying the kids are home alone should I get knocked over. Must also remember to be wearing nice underwear .

NoodleStroodle · 11/05/2007 08:33

I once was off the to the post box - 4 mins round trip and was leaving DD & DS - probably 4 & 3 at the time - they knew the rules - stay in front of TV, no answering door or phone etc and DD turned to me and said "And I wont play with you make up either mummy" .

Decided post could wait...

MamaG · 11/05/2007 08:38

There has got to be a balance, surely?

I have DD 7 and DS 3 and like lisad, I will leav them to go to the car (outside front door!) or peg the washing out (back garden) but thats it. Having said that, when we go out for walks/to the park I'll happily let them run wild, as long as I can see where they are.

When I was 12, my best friend left our school and moved to Morley - shortly after Sarah Harper (age 10) was killed in Morley after she went to the shop for a loaf of bread for her Mum and it really affected me (similar age/place where bf had moved to) - I think thats made me much more protective over them.

Leaving a baby to go running is selfish, sorry. I agree she needed an outlet, but she could have found something else surely.

Fillyjonk · 11/05/2007 08:52

I don't think anyone would condone going running as a planned activity

but its choosing the lesser of two evils

god when dd (clingy screaming baby) was little, we'd all have been MUCH better off with me going for a ten minute run round the block, leaving her in her cot, than just crying and screming and generally sliding into a state.

its not a great thing to do, but you have to balance it against the alternatives

Fillyjonk · 11/05/2007 08:52

she could scream for 6 hours btw

she was carried in a sling and all that stuff

Fillyjonk · 11/05/2007 08:54

also i must say that if i go out to the car i shut the door

one thing i worry a lot about is traffic, i don't want a kid shooting out behind me and possibly into the road when i am not looking

bighair21 · 11/05/2007 09:19

Cannot believe that anyone would leave their child in a cot and go running. The child could vomit and suffocate or someone could break into the house. There are a million different things that could happen. Also, social services would not look well on something like that if something were to happen to the child. I feel very sad thinking of a little child all alone in a house with noone coming to her aid when she screams. We all have horrendous times with kids but leaving them alone is not an option. Sorry for sounding so angry about it but it is very emotive subject.

nogoes · 11/05/2007 09:29

Slightly changing the subject but years ago my mum was upstairs putting curlers in her hair and my two sisters (pre school age) were downstairs and my mum had a feeling that something wasn't quite right went downstairs to find a man in the living room with my two sisters cowering behind the sofa, the man froze for a minute then pushed my mum over and scarpered out the door. Next thing my mum heard sirens and loads of noise and it turns out he was an escaped prisoner and had been convicted of murder!

manictreecreature · 11/05/2007 09:32

We all take calculated risks every day whih we don't even think about. You cross the road when green man is flashing, you eat a yoghurt a day over it's sell-by date, you don't steralise the dummy after it fell on the floor, you allow your child to be taken on a walk at nursery...
Or you stay in with them, permanently attatched. And a bolt of lighting could strike the roof while you are downstairs feeling superior.

Do you think these threads are helpful? For all we know, Mrs Mcann might be a mumsnetter. Her family have already said they are stunned at the criticism, implied or direct being hurled towards their family. Let's not contribute to it, please?

Shit happens. And sometimes, no matter how fabulous a parent you are, you can't prevent it.

I'm sick of this mass hysteria.

MamaG · 11/05/2007 09:35

manic, I don't think this thread is actually aimed at the McCann family, its a subject regularly discussed on MN. I certainly am not judging them.

kittypants · 11/05/2007 09:40

nogoes

Rantum · 11/05/2007 09:41

Yes, I can not say, hand on heart, that I have never done anything that other people my construe as potentially stupid with my child - through tiredness, through not thinking through all the potential consequences for 3 weeks before making a decision about something or through simply trusting in the goodness of the world (more the fool me).

It would seem that the consensus is that we need to treat our lives like fortresses, but I do not blame caring devoted parents for occasionally making "wrong" decisions.

geekgrrl · 11/05/2007 09:41

"so what happens if she gets run over and killed or injured badly and no one knows that the baby is at home alone"?

I find this argument about as full of holes as a sieve...
obviously it'd be soooo much better if she got knocked down with a baby strapped to her chest, wouldn't it?

bighair21 · 11/05/2007 09:44

I take your point and what I've just said is NOT as a result of the Madeleine McCann situation. Why does everyone have to bring it back to that? I wasn't even thinking about that. These are MY values and they existed long before the events of the past week. Yes, you're right, anything can happen out of the blue but my point is don't court disaster because as you quite rightly say, there is disaster waiting around every corner but we can all do damage limitation and no-one, certainly not me, EVER feels superior about anything - far from it. I do not condemn the McCanns for anything because they have their own values and that's fine.