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Original poster

Should i say something to the mum?

90 replies

PinkChick · 23/04/2007 13:44

My dd's friend (4yr old)from school nursery was today collected by grandparents(think they are mums parents, mum and dad are in middle of messy separation)..walking out of gates looked back as heard crying and it was dd's friend really crying and throwing herself around, grandparents were talking to her and trying to calm her down and continuing to walk out of school, child was still crying and shouting(no idea why?, maybe she expected mum/dad to collect??)..anyway, we stopped to chat outside gates and they got past us, grandma now carrying child..we almost got right behind them when child started jumping and stmaping her feet and grandma imitated her, making her much worse..so grndma then smacksed her twice hard on the bottom and grabbed her..they both turned round and saw us and grandma looked surprised(as we wernt near them when we left)..then as we got past and further away, grandad sort of half shouted at her..........
now, ive seen him a few times and he sems very placid and the shout was tame and non threatening, but the two hard smacks from grandma(who ive not seen before) were unnecessary, yes she was creating, but in my all knowing wisdon, id have either tried to solve issue or if no issue just a tatrum, ignored it.
i know other generations do thing differently, but i know for certain her mum would NEVER smack either of her children and am concerned now as this little girl was back off to thier house and worry what may have happend if she had not calmed down?..do i ask mum what was wrong when i see her tomorrow and mention the smacks or keep my nose out?

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WigWamBam · 23/04/2007 14:13

PinkChick, maybe she already knows how the grandparents discipline the child - and maybe she accepts that in return for some much-needed childcare?

I honestly don't think many parents would thank you for poking your nose in.

Original poster
PinkChick · 23/04/2007 14:15

yes thats what i thought..SHE may be against it but may know that they do it?oh god, wish id not seen it!

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Lolly68 · 23/04/2007 14:20

Would keep nose out. But isnt it against the law to actually smack a child now?

NKF · 23/04/2007 14:20

I'd thank her. I would be unhappy and uncomfortable but I'd thank her.

Original poster
PinkChick · 23/04/2007 14:28

i think ill have to bring up the crying and see how she reacts to that then take it from there, I would definatly want to know!, but i appreciate it may come back on me!

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powder28 · 23/04/2007 14:31

I would be unhappy to think that someone who was caring for my child could lose control and resort to smacking.

Original poster
PinkChick · 23/04/2007 14:34

i know, thats my concern, regalrdess of who it was(my mother, my friend) if they ever hit or where seen hitting my dd that would be it!

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imaginaryfriend · 23/04/2007 14:36

I'd tell her. If you know her well enough to speak about something like that with frankly, because she's expressed her wishes that her child absolutely not be smacked, you've got to tell her.

I would be furious if someone didn't tell me that dd was being smacked, whoever it was by. She's the same age, and yes she's fully verbal but you never know whether she's talking gobbledigook fantasy or not. And who knows if the grandmother threatens her not to tell?

geekgrrl · 23/04/2007 15:04

as I've said already, I would want to know and would be disappointed if a friend didn't tell me.

Original poster
PinkChick · 23/04/2007 15:05

, that was something else i thought of as that happend to me when i was little and children can be easilly scared/bribed into keeping quiet..anyway, may not be as bad as im thinking?!

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SarahJaneSmith · 23/04/2007 15:11

You have nothing to loose at all by telling the Mum. Either she will be fine with it or she will be upset and angry. Either way she will be in a position of knowledge and can deal with the situation if she needs too.

People should never 'not bother' when it comes to children being smacked IMO.

Lauriefairycake · 23/04/2007 15:31

I would tell her, in a very calm, offhand way.

Just say something like 'given what you said about smacking before I thought you should know that your mum smacked her twice yesterday'.

I don't agree with people who say that it's none of your business, it takes more than one person to raise a child.

All your doing is telling the truth - what the mum does with it is entirely up to her and I wouldn't raise it with her again.

I've always thought it utterly bizarre when someone has shot the messenger

NotQuiteCockney · 23/04/2007 15:36

I would want to know. I would want to know right away.

I'd say 'keep your nose out' if you knew she was ok with smacking (obviousy). If you didn't know how she felt, I'd say to raise it delicately, but given that you know she is strongly opposed to smacking, I'd tell her quite soon. I would be very unhappy if someone didn't tell me about someone hitting my kid out of some misplaced sense of 'politeness'.

Original poster
PinkChick · 23/04/2007 15:50

okay, so ill go with asking how her dd is after yesterday and when she asks(hopefully) what i mean, ill see when she was so upset and hopefully i will find the words then!

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imaginaryfriend · 23/04/2007 22:55

Let us know how it goes? So we'll know what to do in the same situation?

Original poster
PinkChick · 24/04/2007 08:17

thanks hopefully shell be dropping off this morning.

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KaySamuels · 24/04/2007 08:36

Oh pinkchick I agree with colditz too, hope you mention when you see her. I would want to know regardless of who it was, and esp as they sound like they can't manage her behave without smacking (why were they mimicking her having a tantrum ffs?!) - hardly helpful to an upset confused four year old.

If she is a friend why not affer her some help as a friend if she is struggling (although if this child is a mindee that may be hard boundary wise).

zookeeper · 24/04/2007 08:40

hope it's not too late to tell you to leave it!

hercules1 · 24/04/2007 08:41

I'd want to be told as I wouldnt want dd smacked by anyone.

hercules1 · 24/04/2007 08:42

although not sure if I'd be brave enough to do the telling.

SSShakeTheChi · 24/04/2007 08:45

I would want to know and I would appreciate you telling me. However I am not sure, in your shoes, how I would word it though.

Greensleeves · 24/04/2007 08:47

Definitely tell her. It's possible she'll react as some of the posters on this thread would, an you'll be snubbed - but IMO it's SO much more important that she knows about this. If it means a bad moment for you/her, tough!

hatwoman · 24/04/2007 08:55

tell her, as gently as possible. if she's a nice person and a good friend she'll appreciate it (even if not immediately) if she's not then what does it matter if she calls you an interfering bag? you'll know you did the right thing by the child - the child being more important here than any of the adults.

an alternative might be to tell someone at school - her teacher - and ask them to approach her - in effect that's you doing it anonymously. don;t know if the school would do that, but imo they should

macwoozy · 24/04/2007 09:08

I'd be furious if ANYONE smacked my child so I'd sure want to know about it. Although I wouldn't want to be in your shoes trying to explain it to the mum.

Original poster
PinkChick · 24/04/2007 10:38

hi all, child didnt turn up and school today?, so didnt see either of them.
mentioned it to another mum at school(whom i am very good friends with, but didnt say which child it was) and she said as the mum is going through tough time at minute, we dont know how stressed she is, she may have changed her mind on dicipline and i should be careful or i could be the one getting shot..but TBH, like some of you have said, i would rather she fall out with me than me turn a blind eye to her LO being smacked.

I too thought it aa bit warped for them to mimick her tantrum, given that they are easilly in their late 60's 70's..but now (may be reading this the wrong way now, but better to say it here than too mum), LO has had LOTS of time off school lately?, now it may be that mum is having tougher time than i know of(and i have constantly offered help even tho i am a cm i have offered her free help if she needs time alone or to go to solicitors), but am concerned now incase its more than smacking, like i said i may be thinking far to far the wrong way nowbut the smacks were very hard and totally over the top.
(my cause for concern is probably because i was in similar situationas a child i i was never at school as people would have seen the mess i was in)

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