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Original poster

does this term offend you?

67 replies

nappyaddict · 13/03/2007 01:15

i had never thought about it before but i recently started attending a baby group and i asked one of the women there if she was a SAHM or if she worked and she seemed really offended by the term SAHM. i know a lot of people are offending by the term housewife because it sounds like you are married to your house but i'd never thought anything bad of SAHM.

OP posts:
ghosty · 13/03/2007 01:23

Ridiculous ... people get offended at anything these days.

mamama · 13/03/2007 01:23

I am not offended by the term SAHM - that is what I am - I am a mother and I stay at home with DS during the day.

I do feel slightly defensive when people ask me if I 'work' as, for me, staying at home with DS is far harder work than the very physically & emotionally challenging full-time job I had before DS was born.

And, actually, I do work - I childmind and have a couple of other small jobs but I never count them as work. Not sure why...

I wouldn't want to be called a housewife though.

Does that help?

fortyplus · 13/03/2007 01:24

SAHM for 12 years and not offended... but I wouldn't be terribly offended by the term 'housewife' as anyone using it to describe me clearly doesn't know me!

RainbowWalker · 13/03/2007 01:24

I think it's all about perception... if the word ONLY was going on in her head when you said it, it's understandable she'd be upset, but that's surely her own problem?

It would be offensive to say or to imply that someone was ONLY a SAHM.

I'm sure you didn't do that... but perhaps how she heard it?

In the same way that some men define their worth by what they do (or appear to do in those cases you hear about where a man puts on his suit every morning and sets out as if he's going to the office months after he's lost his job) I guess it's all about self esteem.

People with lower self esteem tend to view themselves as less worthy and that's the place she maybe feels she's at right now.

Personally speaking I don't find it offensive in the slightest - it's the most challenging and demanding career in the world!

Original poster
nappyaddict · 13/03/2007 03:04

after thinking about it a bit more maybe it is the staying at home bit that offended her .. like i was implyling she never left the house?

so what's best to say? do you work? or is that offensive too because looking after the kids is still working isn't it. and i feel saying are you employed is a bit rude.

argh the dilemmas of talking to people at baby group! i think i shall go back to being an anti-social hermit - much simpler!

OP posts:
mamama · 13/03/2007 03:11

lol... don't be a hermit!

Those groups can be intimidating. Most conversations round here begin with (I live in a University town)

"Are you a student?"
"Are you associated with the University"
"Do you stay at home with your DS?"
"What do you do?" (I always just point at DS)
"Do you work?" (Again, point at DS and say
"That's my work. He keeps me busy.")

Or, very annoyingly, "What does your DP do?"

Original poster
nappyaddict · 13/03/2007 03:20

yes, that's one thing i always feel awkward about asking. i don't want to assume someone has a dp but then by saying do you have a dp almost makes it look like you think they wouldn't have!

OP posts:
SittingBull · 13/03/2007 03:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zookeeper · 13/03/2007 06:32

I don't like it - it seems a bit derogatory somehow, maybe because to me itimplies that SAHMS do nothing but stay at home. Agree that on the general scale of things it doesn't matter.

juuule · 13/03/2007 08:29

"i asked one of the women there if she was a SAHM or if she worked"

Do you think it might be the fact that you implied that if she was SAHM she didn't work?

Greensleeves · 13/03/2007 08:31

I'm not offended by SAHM although housewife makes me wince.

There is a MNer who refers to SAHMs as "wifeys" which I do find offensive.

Greensleeves · 13/03/2007 08:33

Agree about the "What do you do"/"What does your dp do" mentality. I choose not to think like that - people aren't defined by how they make their money.

It always reminds of boarding school, where new people were always asked first "What does your father do?" I refuse to think like that, it's pathetic and shallow IMO.

FrannyandZooey · 13/03/2007 08:34

I think it is just the pure fact of being labelled, perhaps

like if everyone who worked was called a "Go To The Office Mum"

it just feels like it is lumping you in with everyone else and not very complimentarily, either

I guess you could just say "Do you work?"

(I am SAHM and work )

WelshBoris · 13/03/2007 08:34

It offends me, get a job!!1

What do you do all day?

Bloody SAHMs.

brimfull · 13/03/2007 08:36

I would assume you were a mumsnetter ,only place I really see the term used.

Pruni · 13/03/2007 08:54

Message withdrawn

maisym · 13/03/2007 08:56

my mother uses the fact that I'm a sahm to be awful about me - your just a housewife why should anyone listen to you!!!!

fryalot · 13/03/2007 08:59

When I see the term, I always in my head say "stay at home mo-o-o-o-o-o-om" in an exaggerated American accent, as the only times I'd ever heard it were on American tv shows. Since coming on mn, I see it all the time and it doesn't bother me, but prior to mn, I would have been surprised that a British mother used the term (even though there would have been no reason to be surprised iykwim)

deaconblue · 13/03/2007 09:11

I like being a SAHM and feel quite proud to announce it. Easily offended people are v annoying, she probably wouldn't be a nice new friend anyway

idlemum · 13/03/2007 09:13

I agree that I would be offended if the question implied that I wasn't 'working'. I would find it all alot less sensitive however, if every time people met fathers they asked ''are you a Stay at home Father or do you go out to work ?''

fryalot · 13/03/2007 09:14

and also, idlemum, if, upon coming across a stay at home dad, they didn't say "really?" in that shocked and surprised tone.

potoftea · 13/03/2007 09:15

i always refer to myself as a full-time mother. that is what i am 24 hours a day! the way i see it obviously mothers who work outside the home are still mothers during the work-day but have given over "mothering" to another for those hours.

Ladymuck · 13/03/2007 09:16

I suppose though it is a rather generic label which is in itself irritating. You can be a SAHM and look after a baby, and that consumes 24/7, or you can be a SAHM with children at school who does reading at school one day a week, sits as a local magistrate, has regular but informal childminding duties and is doing an OU degree in English Lit say. If someone labels me as a SAHM I do wonder what assumptions they are making about how I spend my time. So I don't find the term offensive, but more the fact that by giving me a label you are managig to stick me in a box without knowing that much about me.

Tutter · 13/03/2007 09:19

it was probably the "or do you work?" bit that bothered her!

ipanemagirl · 13/03/2007 09:21

I have no problem with the term - but I think a lot of women who stop work after having a baby do feel incredibly defensive about their changed status/ whatever and feel criticised etc or invisible. People can be insensitive - like "so what do you do all day? eat cake and read magazines?"
sort of comment I used to get when ds was a baby! it can make you jumpy!