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Original poster

So this is how I'm going to remember ds's first birthday...

80 replies

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 19:22

...by the police arriving and me having to explain that, yes, I'd called them, yes, there had been an argument, no, we're okay now, no, they really don't need to come in the house and check, no, no-one's hurt and yes, I'm sorry I've wasted their time...

I can't believe this. I just don't know how to deal with this crap anymore. My family is falling apart. I just want to run away. I don't think I can do this anymore. I need some help but I don't know where to start.

OP posts:

jampot · 19/06/2004 19:23

Ohh moominmama, sorry you had such a crap day...
Do you want to tell us about it?

cazzybabs · 19/06/2004 19:24

Much love and hugs!

Momp · 19/06/2004 19:26

So sorry to hear that you have problems - especially since it should be a lovely day to remember. Now you'll remember it for all the wrong reasons.

I don't know what your problems are but there are people out there who are trained to help.

Once you are able to get some quiet time tonight, call The Samaritans.

Sending hugs ((()))

luckymum · 19/06/2004 19:27

Oh moominmama sorry you've had such a dreadful day.

Flip · 19/06/2004 19:27

What happened moominmama? You must be so upset? Do you need to talk?

Original poster

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 19:37

It's such a long story but basically some of you may know, cos I've posted before! - that my mum is quite ill (well, very ill tbh) with an obsessive-compulsive-type disorder. It's really really hard on all of us, and I am with her 24/7, I find it particularly draining and frustrating. I am not patient with illness at the best of times and am finding it very hard to cope.

She won't accept treatment, basically, won't accept anything that her many docs, psychiatrists etc tell her, just keeps saying she's got 'irreversible brain damage' and that she is going to kill herself. She dismisses any therapy, etc etc. Just wanders the house all day, refuses to go out, chainsmokes, cries, tells me over and over how she is going to kill herself.

Tonight after ds's party it all blew up again. Having kept herself reasonably together for the afternoon, she started screaming and crying and threatening to take an overdose, pretty much as soon as everyone had left. Then my dad, who is completely at the end of his tether, tried to force her into the car to go to hospital. It all got a bit physical. My dad's a big guy and I could see he was just losing it. I didn't know what else to do. I called 999 but my mum grabbed the phone from me before I could talk to them. Of course they trace the call so in a few minutes the police arrived. By this time I was packing to leave.

It's all such a mess. I am just lost. I can't believe this is my beloved ds's birthday. I feel sick with it all. Am just exhausted. My family used to be so close, now we are just a big, bleeding, terrible mess. God, am sorry to go on, just need to get it out.

OP posts:

Momp · 19/06/2004 19:42

Don't apologise - you have every reason to be so upset.

I have no experience of mental disorders and can't offer any help as it seems you have tried everything to help your mum.

I am sure that there is a silver lining on your cloud xx

tammybear · 19/06/2004 19:44

aww moominmama86, you are always welcome to post your problems on here, i forever am. im sorry i cant really be of much help, but im sending you lots of hugs xx

WideWebWitch · 19/06/2004 19:48

Moomin, you can't cope with this on your own and neither should you (or your dad) have to. Poor you, it sounds horrendous. What does her GP advise? Why does she live with you? Is there another option? Sorry to ask so many questions, I appreciate you may have posted before about all this. Will have a search around and see if I can find any organisation that might be able to help. Might be useless but you never know. Much sympathy.

fisil · 19/06/2004 19:51

moomin, so sorry you are having to cope with this. Your mum was probably so tired after the party - as you all were - but instead of you all being able just to relax, she ended up taking all your energy and attention - and stress. It must have been really difficult. No advice just big hugs, and well done, you seem to be coping amazingly.

Original poster

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 19:53

www, I live with her - when my marriage broke down a couple of months ago ds and I went to live with my M&D. A couple of years ago when this all started she was in and out of a clinic but at £3000+ A WEEK!!! that soon became untenable. She refuses point-blank to go into an NHS unit and her stupid bloody useless consultant won't refer her anyway. When she tells him she is suicidal he says 'Oh well, just try not to do anything stupid.' This is the level of support we have...

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 19/06/2004 19:55

Shit Moomin, sorry, that sounds awful. I found the Mind info about coping with OCD. Sorry if it's telling you stuff you already know. Sounds as if you have enough on your plate without dealing with this too. Is there anywhere else you could stay?

gothicmama · 19/06/2004 19:57

Big hugs -

eddm · 19/06/2004 19:58

Moominmama, I am sorry you are in this situation. I know you've posted before about your mum and I think you said you were staying in her house (sorry if that's wrong). Is there any way at all you can get out and go somewhere else? I know your mum's ill and not responsible for everything she does but you can't go on caring for her day in, day out, it's coming close to destroying you. And from what you said, you aren 't getting much help from the health or social care professionals.
Did you ever contact Mind or Sane, the two charities that help people with mental illness and their families? They have support groups for families. But I really do think for your own health, and that of your family, you can't carry this burden any longer.
HTH

Jimjams · 19/06/2004 19:58

This cannot continue. I live with OCD in a 5 year old chid- and it is incredibly difficult I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you to live with it with your mother. Often when I've read your posts you seem to feel guilty STOP THAT NOW!!!! You are in an impossible situation. Is there no way you could move somewhere else? Alternatively- as your mum will not seek help- is there any way she could be sectioned so that she can receive the help she so desperately needs. I am very ignorant about the system for this so I hope that isn't offensive. It just seems impossible as she so obviously needs help but will not look for it/accept it. I did know someone who was sectioned after he became very manic - and it all happened very quickly. After a few months he was a lot better- and coped very well for the next year (after which I moved away- he was a friend of a friend).

Flip · 19/06/2004 20:06

I don't know what to say. So I'm just sending you lots of hugs and to let you know I'm following this and thinking of you.

Original poster

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 20:07

I just don't know where to start. i don't think I can leave. I don't have a job, I have no money, I'm my dad's only support (although he's not talking to me now because i called the police). Sorry, sorry, I cna't stop crying. Typing's awful. I don't know what else to do. i can't seem to help her. I've said some terrible things to her and I think me being here is just making it worse but if I try to leave she's says she'll take all her pills. Some days she won't even let me go out. I just want it all to go away. Sorry, am I a bit of state now.

OP posts:

Original poster

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 20:10

I feel like my family has died. I knwo that sounds stupid but she's not my mum anymore I don't recognise her half the time and I've never seen my father like that. We used to all love each other so much and have such a good time togther - I was one of those teenagers who actually liked spending time with her parents! I just can't believe this is our life now. I don't want to sound self-indulgent. I feel like I'm getting it all wrong.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 19/06/2004 20:14

moomin, is there nobody else you can stay with? I'd ignore the blackmail, you can't base your whole life on threats from someone who is seriously ill and needs help.

step2 · 19/06/2004 20:18

I too think when things are calm tonight call The Samaritans sorry I can't help you really sound like you need someone to help you/your mum now.

Sending hugs ((()))

Jimjams · 19/06/2004 20:21

moomin- who is involved in supporting your mum ( professional wise I mean). Is it just the GP or is she under the care of a mental health team? I think if possible you and your dad need to join forces to ensure she gets the help she needs. If she will not accept it you need to look into whether she can be sectioned. You certainly need some proper support if she is to stay in the community. Are social services involved at all (although I have to say finding the right person to talk to is a feat in itself). The reason I ask is because it sounds as if you need an "outsider" to come in and sort out care for your mum.

I wish I knew the system. Most areas though have advice bureaus where they can tell you how to go about getting this sort of help. It might be worth talking to the GP and trying to find out if there is another way which avoids the useless consultant.

As it is affecting you and your son I think you could involve social services as well- at least for advice........

Momp · 19/06/2004 20:21

You really should not feel guilty for anything you have said to your mum - you are at the end of your tether and if you're not careful, you too will find yourself feeling ill soon.

Do something now to protect yourself and your DS - that is your priority.

Then when you can start thinking straight you can start helping your parents.

(Have spoken with SIL who works in mental health and she assures me that if a mentally ill person threatens to kill themselvs on a regular basis - they very rarely go through with it).

Original poster

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 20:28

Have calmed down a bit.

Jimjams - you are right - she probably should be sectioned. But no-one seems to want to help us. Her consultant NHS psychiatrist is, to put it bluntly, a dickhead. He is, IMO, coming pretty close to being negligent. He has had his nose put out of joint because we enlisted the help of a private therapist and he (consultant) can't stand that. So he is stalling, will not make a move on her case, keeps asking therapist to supply him with more information, keeps querying her reports etc etc. All he does is increase mum's medication - which has no effect. I tried to talk to him once to tell him what was really going on (mum is very good at her 'public face' and he told me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that my mother 'looked fine last time I saw her'. He is basically not interested, but he is the area mental health bigwig and I have no idea where else we would go.

Sorry if this all sounds as if I am dismissing everyone's suggestions. i'm really not. Am just absolutely lost for an answer or a new corner to turn. Am so aware that it all means nothing if mum is not prepared to co-operate fully with therapy, and that is the most frustrating thing.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 19/06/2004 20:32

Oh goodness- only thing I can think of is to ask the GP if you can be referred to a different consultant (can this happen without your mums consent? Not sure- byut maybe talking through the options with your GP is the best way forward). I know that my friend did manage to change her useless dd's consultant (from the bigwig to another one) by going through her GP- so that may be the place to start.

I think everyone is entitled to a 2nd opinion - so unelss there's a problem with your mum being non-compliant - I think that should be do-able. I really would recommend talking to the GP- you need someone onside who understands who bad the situation is.

Original poster

moominmama86 · 19/06/2004 20:35

Sorry Jimjams - cross posted a bit. GP is good, private therapist is good, but all prescribing, referrals etc appear to have to go through arsehole consultant.

Mope - I've been told that too. Almost makes it worse, in a way i.e. she keeps saying it and she knows how much it upsets me and yet she keeps doing it. How can she stand in front of me and say that? How can she threaten not to be around for ds's next birthday? It is indicative of her desperate state of mind if nothing else. Think also is part of the problem with consultant - he is pretty much aware she'll never do it, so would no section her for those threats.

Am really rambling now. Sorry. I just need to get this all out before I go mad.

OP posts:

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