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Original poster

Witch of a mil law strikes again!!

103 replies

jmg1 · 18/06/2004 01:01

Lots of you know some a bit my crap story. Anyway after my DP died, her Mother and I agreed that we would not bring up the subject of their Mother to the children but if they mention her we would answer their questions as and when. Today the witch was here and after she left my DS age 5 was cryng and I initially thought it was because he was over tired, I then realised that he was really upset and he explained it was becuase mil had been talking about his Mummy and showing them pictures. I would never try to block their wonderful Mother's memory from them but my theory is why discuss and dwell on something that upsets them, why not wait for them to mention it when it suits them. I know this is a matter of opinion and all children would react differently to the whole scenario. But my kids are doing well all things considered.

I am annoyed at the witch for going against what we had agreed in order to make her feel better.

I have suggested that she comes every two weeks instead of every week and she is saying that I am blocking her out of their lifes. Which I do not want to do.
If push comes to shove how often is a Grandmother entitled to see Grandchildren?
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bunnyrabbit · 20/06/2004 16:20

JMG,
I'm afraid I have no advice to give, only respect. People like you are one in a million and I hope that you realise that, as human beings go, you are pretty damn special. Just one of the trials you have been through would be enough to humble most people, and yet you are still positive and strong.

Your children couldn't wish for a better father.

Sorry to be slushy, having a baby must have made me soft, but I have the utmost admiration for you.

BR

Original poster
jmg1 · 20/06/2004 17:04

Thanks BR, but it is an act, I am so sad and lonely it is unreal. The only thing I know for sure is that I will do the best I can for my children for as long as I can.

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busybee123 · 20/06/2004 17:06

ditto BR....he is brilliant isnt he?

lou33 · 20/06/2004 17:07

Jmg, there are plenty of us nearby if you ever want to meet up again, you only have to call us. I know it doesn't compensate for the loneliness you must feel inside, but we are here for you nontheless.

gscrym · 20/06/2004 17:18

To be honest, I don't think at the moment that grandparents have any legal rights to vositation of grand children. I know there are plans to reform this due to the update for The Rights Of The Child.
Your MIL has made the first aggressive move. You have been more than accomadating toward her. Start to do things how you want and how things are in your opinion best for your kids. Should she get it to court, I think they would decrease visitation, not increase it. Also with her history of upsetting the kids and disregarding your instructions for they're welfare, I doubt she would get unsupervised access.
You are a fantastic parent. Everything that has happened to you and your DP made you both the parents you are. I'm so sorry she's no longer with you. I can't imagine your pain. Your kids are so lucky to have a parent who lives for they're happiness and has forgone his own to keep them in touch with their gran.
Speak to a solicitor. If there was any MN's who were solicitor or worked social services, maybe they could give you a better insight.
Stay positive and remember that so many people here care about you and I think your an inspiration.

bunnyrabbit · 20/06/2004 17:32

JMG,
Plese remember that, although you are understandably lonely, you are not alone.... there's always a mumsnetter here no matter what time of night you need to talk...

BR

DelGirl · 20/06/2004 17:38

no additional advice to offer jmg but know a little of what you must be feeling and am thinking of you. hang in there!

Galaxy · 20/06/2004 17:42

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Galaxy · 20/06/2004 17:43

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moominmama86 · 20/06/2004 17:44

jmg, my post near the start of this thread looks pathetic now I know a bit more about your story. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I don't want to even try and offer any more advice (although I do agree that AFAIK she has no legal right to visitation if you don't want it; a solicitor will obviously be able to tell you more) but please know that we are all here to listen and help in any way we can. You are so clearly a brilliant father and my heart goes out to you. Will be thinking of you.

ponygirl · 20/06/2004 17:50

Hi jmg1. I'm another MNer who thinks you're doing the most fantastic job with your children in the most difficult of circumstances. I find 3 small children hard enough with much more support and much less trauma. There's lots of people here who want to support you - I hope we can help. xxx

aloha · 20/06/2004 18:18

Oh dear. She does sound aggressive and unreasonable. There is no way a court would force you to let her see the kids every week. My dh is a devoted father whose partner left him (& my stepdaughter) but now his daughter lives with his ex he only gets to see his daughter every fortnight. She is clearly very stupid and very panicky if she thinks this is the best way to proceed. In theory I feel very sorry for her, but she sounds like a very hard person to like or deal with and you seem to have done your absolute best. Still, if you move to Italy this will be one problem you don't have to deal with.

aloha · 20/06/2004 18:19

I too cannot imagine a harder job than bringing up three under five by yourself. Just getting through each day is a real triumph for you IMO, let alone doing so much to make your kids happy.

nightowl · 21/06/2004 03:43

i understand that your mil is also grieving but she is being very selfish in not considering yours and your childrens grief aswell. jmg words just fail me when i see a situation like yours..theres always so much i want to say but it all ends up coming out wrong. its so unfair what has happenend to you, your children and your lovely wife. if you are certain that moving abroad is what you want then i would say go for it...but only if its not going to make you more lonely than you are now. seems to me like every time you try and get up your mil kicks you down again with her behaviour and its just not on. dont resign yourself to being alone jmg, its early days and its going to take you a long time to get over what has happened....ok maybe not get over but accept? just take things one day at a time and dont even think about relationships. dont close yourself off to people though whatever you do because every one needs friends and they are the ones who will see you through. even if telling someone the same a story a hundred times will help you then do it, thats what they are there for. i hope this ramble has made some sense at least...i think you are doing a wonderful job jmg. dont let that woman keep putting you down, youre a great parent.

Original poster
jmg1 · 21/06/2004 21:39

It is probably just coincidence but my lad has been so bad tempered and moody this week shouting and saying he hates everyone in the World etc, maybe its the heat!

Thanks for all your posts everyone.

OP posts:
agy · 30/06/2004 17:20

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Original poster
jmg1 · 05/07/2004 15:13

Is she completely mad?
After I suggested every two weeks rather than every week, see the beginning of this thread, she wrote to me saying that she disagrees with this and is willing to take me to Court over it.

I have just received a letter from her Solicitor, to cut a long story short she has told solicitor that I told her she is not to see the children again. I have never said that and I really don't know what is wrong with this woman.

She obviously has not shown her Solicitor the letter she wrote to me which confirms that I suggested she see them every two weeks instead of every week.

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 05/07/2004 15:16

In that case she's throwing her money away because the solicitor will want to sort out the facts and will see pretty quickly that she's talking s**te.

Sorry that she's still making life hard for you - don't think you've got anything to worry about though.

Janh · 05/07/2004 15:25

jmg, I hope you kept her letter?

eddm · 05/07/2004 15:26

Oh JMG, she really is a cow. Sorry, didn't know your full story when I posted near the start of the thread.
But her over-reaction and bullying may be caused by fear; fear that she failed her daugher and fear that she'll lose her grandchildren.
Clearly she's misleading her solicitor (God knows what she thinks she'll get out of that) or is anticipating what she thinks will be your next move.
You've got more than enough on your plate without her throwing tantrums, haven't you? Can only suggest you send her solicitor a copy of her letter to you and a covering letter explaining that you suggested access every two weeks, if MIL agrees to do/not do things you have agreed about (eg discussing dp).
Is moving to Italy an escapist dream or something you are seriously considering?
Good luck ? you are doing an amazing job.

Freckle · 05/07/2004 15:57

Send a calm and reasonable letter back to her solicitor, pointing out that they have misunderstood the situation. Say that you suggested every 2 weeks instead of every week, because your children were becoming unsettled after the weekly visits. Enclose a copy of her letter to you, so they can see that she is the one who is misleading them.

And if she is stupid enough to start court proceedings, bugger off to Italy

Original poster
jmg1 · 05/07/2004 16:05

eddm, re Italy if I spoke Italian and found a house I would go now. I really liked it when I was there but I also know it won't suddenly make be feel any better. Initially life would be harder but I think in the long term it would be better and if I am wrong we could come back. I do think it might be a bit much to take on by myself at the moment.

OP posts:
littlemissbossy · 05/07/2004 16:09

here, here Freckle

Clarinet60 · 05/07/2004 16:19

jmg1, I haven't had time to read all the thread and your mil is probably out of order, but one thing struck me about what you said - it's a common misconception that children will talk about these things when they need to. Children take their lead from adults, and will wait for you to bring the subject up. Often, if you don't, then they won't. My dad died when I was 4 and he was rarely mentioned after that. I wondered, as a child, why he was unmentionable. I sensed adults discomfort around it, so thought I'd better shut up, but I really needed to hear him talked about. I know you are worried about the upset this causes, but it's better than the alternative. Reading your post, I realise you are sensitive to their memories and you aren't trying to block them, but the phrase 'wait for them to mention it' rings warning bells. They could be waiting for you. Also, children act like children whatever they are going through (within reason), so you can't always use their behaviour (playing, laughing, etc) as an indication of how something is affecting them. They don't tend to mope and dwell on things like adults, they deal with things differently, yet still, as you are ovbiously aware, feel loss deeply emotionally.

Original poster
jmg1 · 05/07/2004 16:30

thanks droile, I can see what you mean. It is all such a nightmare. I still cry for dp did all day on Monday and that is not easy for a man to admit, specially on a website!
I think it is ds who is hurt the most he was 3 at the time dd's were 1 and 2. I really don't want them to ever feel that she should not be mentioned.
I have kept some of her belongings for the children but these really are best kept until they are older. There are also some pictures of her around. I guess I need to be stronger and try to talk to them without getting upset myself.

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