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Original poster

Witch of a mil law strikes again!!

103 replies

jmg1 · 18/06/2004 01:01

Lots of you know some a bit my crap story. Anyway after my DP died, her Mother and I agreed that we would not bring up the subject of their Mother to the children but if they mention her we would answer their questions as and when. Today the witch was here and after she left my DS age 5 was cryng and I initially thought it was because he was over tired, I then realised that he was really upset and he explained it was becuase mil had been talking about his Mummy and showing them pictures. I would never try to block their wonderful Mother's memory from them but my theory is why discuss and dwell on something that upsets them, why not wait for them to mention it when it suits them. I know this is a matter of opinion and all children would react differently to the whole scenario. But my kids are doing well all things considered.

I am annoyed at the witch for going against what we had agreed in order to make her feel better.

I have suggested that she comes every two weeks instead of every week and she is saying that I am blocking her out of their lifes. Which I do not want to do.
If push comes to shove how often is a Grandmother entitled to see Grandchildren?
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
jmg1 · 18/06/2004 20:38

aloha you made me think of something by mentioning DP's father and brother not seeing the children, they are still in Scotland but they have never made any contact/attempt to see the children and mil has never mentioned this subject either. But you are right I would not want them anywhere near the children anyway.

regarding guilty feelings: when I was often making effort to talk with mil about everything I said, no one should be blamed if an adult chooses to take their own life but it is also natural to feel a certain amount of guilt, I do. She said, well my conscience is clear.

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gscrym · 18/06/2004 21:00

With everything you have been through, you have to do whatever will bring you a little peace. I remeber your thread about her taking them out when they had chickenpox. She sounds bloody minded and incapable of taking a telling. I think you're being perfectly reasonable and accomadating asking her to come every 2 weeks instead of every week.
I don't know how you do it. If you can cope with everything you've had to deal with, learning a language and moving will be a breeze.
Hugs anyway.

aloha · 18/06/2004 21:16

Jmg - yes, I bet she says her conscience is clear. Doesn't mean it is though. I think some things are too frightening for people to face up to, particularly if they've spend their whole lives hiding the truth from themselves. You know your MIL says things that aren't true (ie about what your dp said about her brother) and this sounds like another example to me.
What a shame that she is, apart from you, your kids' only family.
She sounds a nightmare to talk to, frankly, and I'm sorry.

sobernow · 19/06/2004 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jmg1 · 19/06/2004 01:46

sobernow, no need to apologise, no one knows my story and believe me it is much worse than the things I have posted on mn I have not gone on about my own childhood, but my history doesn't matter, the future for my children is what matters. I know my dp chose me and loved me and like all of us she did not choose her family!
She was a lovely wonderful person but just could not believe it.
It is so tragic, she believed the children would be better off without her yet no one could dream of a more loving Mother.

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Original poster
jmg1 · 19/06/2004 02:27

fuck, why why why is the most lovely person anyone could ever meet - dead, and by her own decision, I just cannot accept it.

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Miaou · 19/06/2004 02:50

jmg1, . It must be so hard for you.
I don't have any useful comments to add, but you have my support and hugs.

fairyprincess · 19/06/2004 02:51

Dear jmg1

I really want to say something to convey how sad I feel for you and your children but I can't find the right words. My thoughts are with you. Please remain strong.
I read that you want to move to italy. I'd say go for it - learn the language there - it's best to learn when hearing it everywhere. With your children you will be welcomed everywhere. Follow your feelings. You have worked with an italian company - that will help. Find the expat brit community - perhaps you could find work there.
I wish you all the best and lots of support.

annalouise · 19/06/2004 02:59

Jmg1 are you still there?

essbee · 19/06/2004 03:08

Message withdrawn

annalouise · 19/06/2004 03:22

jmg1 I know you're still around cos you're posting on another thread. I just wanted to let you know what a fantastic father you are. I cant begin to imagine the pain and suffering you must be going through, and the last thing you need is your mil adding to all the shit. I know for absolute definite I could not cope with what you are going through. carry on being the wonderful person and father you obviously are. on the mil front - can you write her a letter to explain your feelings? at least you wouldnt get interrupted. She might be able to actually acknowledge what youre saying and how youre feeling. I know it may sound a bit cheesy, and you can obviously convey your feelings very well, but she seems a very ignorant and selfish person. Theyre your children and you reserve the right to decide what happens in their lives and this is a big deal. my heart and sympathy goes out to you xxx

DelGirl · 19/06/2004 09:50

Hope you are feeling a little brighter today jmg.

Original poster
jmg1 · 19/06/2004 10:45

Sorry too much wine, doesn't change how I feel but does change what I post. Make sense?

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busybee123 · 19/06/2004 11:02

oh JMG1, how you are still sane is beyond me.....I think you are wonderful for doing what you are doing. With regards to your MIL if you weren't married to your DP then legally she has no rights to see the children, but if you were then she does though I am not sure how often she has the right to. But saying that, I am married and my MIL upset my children once and I stopped her seeing the children for a while....it soon made her think!! (long story!) We are now moving away from both mine and DH's family (though they all don't know it yet) as we can no longer put up with what they are doing to us, and what they have done in the past. We need a fresh start. Too much has happened in this place and we need to start again. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I do hope that in time things will get better for you. You have to do whatever you feel is right for you and your 3 precious children. We have spent the past 6 years we have been together trying to keep all the families happy and enough is enough. I know my circumstances are completely different to yours but I just wanted to say that you ARE strong enough to do what YOU want to do. YOU are the one who sets the boundaries for your children and your MIL should abide by them come what may....if she doesn't then she cannot expect to keep your trust. I know no no-one will ever replace your DP but in time you will love again....I promise. But I am feeling that you are never going to be able to move on with you MIL around telling you what you can and can't do. She is probably scared of losing the memory of her daughter through losing the grandchildren, but she has to accept that YOU are their father and know what is right for them. I really hope that things start to turn around for you soon. You deserve to be happy.....you really do....

sobernow · 19/06/2004 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairyprincess · 19/06/2004 13:38

All the best jmg1 - thoughts with you

StripyMouse · 19/06/2004 13:46

jmg - just want to say how sorry I am for my last post. It was really irresponsible of me not to read all your earlier posts more carefully and take on board exactly how tough your lives have been. I am really sorry if sticking up for your MIL?s bad behaviour and trying to empathise with her was exactly what you didn?t need to hear. I wish I had more time to read mumsnet more carefully and stop flitting through at such a pace that I end up putting my typing foot in my big mouth. Sorry xxx

Original poster
jmg1 · 19/06/2004 14:52

stripeymouse, there is no need for you to apologise. I would much prefer people to say what they think, not what they think I would like to hear!

I sometimes think I am coping ok and then feel really sad like at the moment. I feel sad for my children more than anything but I put on a good act because I must be a strong pillar for them.

Yesterday would have been my sister's birthday aswell.

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DelGirl · 19/06/2004 16:31

You probably don't need telling jmg but just ride the storm. Don't feel bad about feeling bad and, for that matter, don't feel bad for feeling good. Does that make sense? Probably not but I know what I mean! I have days when I am totally consumed by grief and then the next day it's as if nothing happened. It's a very strange process to go through isn't it?

Galaxy · 19/06/2004 16:36

message withdrawn

Original poster
jmg1 · 20/06/2004 15:57

So much for trying to talk to her, I have a letter from her today, basically threatening to take me to Court if she cannot see the children every week as opposed to every two weeks!

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busybee123 · 20/06/2004 16:00

im sorry..but WHAT A COW!!!! I would get in touch with a solicitor asap. As far as I am aware she is entitled to do this if you weren't married to her daughter. If you were then she already has the legal right to see them unfortunatley

busybee123 · 20/06/2004 16:04

if it was me i would move away asap before it gets to court....that way you have the advantage of the distance between you and the courts will have to accept that visiting will be difficult. any offer of access is better than nothing so at least you have that in your advantage. Its not like you said she could never see the children again is it (much as you might like to at times?!)

alicatsg · 20/06/2004 16:07

JMG - could you get some mediation? sounds like the comms channels have broken down and it might help to talk through an intermediary. Maybe your GP could suggest someone.

Good luck with it all, may not feel like it but there's always a chance of a light at the end of the tunnel.

coppertop · 20/06/2004 16:11

I had a similar letter from my mother and her dp (too long a story to go into on here). If you think your MIL is serious about this it would be a good idea to write a simple letter to her stating that she is welcome to visit the children once every 2 weeks. Also add where/when she can see them. Keep a copy of the letter you write. My mother actually did go and see a solicitor, who sent a letter to me. When I set out (in a non-accusing way) why I wanted our current arrangements to stand, I heard nothing more. I think courts tend to look at whether there is a special relationship between the children and grandparents and how reasonable you are being in allowing access. Don't forget that even fathers are often awarded less access than once a fortnight.