Why do women put up with useless men? Do they <whispers> martyr about it a bit?

[hunkermunker]

Not abusive, not unkind particularly, just useless.

There have been LOADS of threads lately about the most ridiculously useless specimens of men and I really do wonder whether some women just enjoy moaning about their partners and would actually feel quite threatened (or some other word like that) if their partner started pulling his weight around the house, etc.

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i know someone who does. and she's definitely the martyr type.

nothing wrong w/her self-esteem, she just loves playing the martyr.

i tested it out once, and she took the bait straightaway.

I do think it's about being able to compare uselessnesses (am attempting the record number of "s"s in one word) with peers.

I know someone who was married to a useless man ( in both the helping round the house and the bringing home the bacon senses).

She finally gave up trying to improve him after about 15 yrs of marriage and she left him. They are now divorced.

I think so definitely.
Have heard women doing that 'I can't trust him to wash/dress/feed them' crap soooo often.
Learned helplessness.

And patronising.

'That's men/blokes for you.'

No, that's arseholes for you, male or female.

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Learned helplessness, yes, that's it.

martydom! i learned it from my mother .............

lol Expat
Dead right

Honestly, there's something warped about getting a kick out of being treated like dog crap.

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It's not just learned helplessness. There's quite a good trick. If someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, be crap at it. DH and I call it the "do you put salt in that?" method ... after what you might say to someone who wanted you to make them a cup of tea.

Of course, if you're doing your best, and not trying to skive, but you get criticised relentlessly for every tiny thing you didn't do exactly the way someone else would do it, you'll learn pretty sharpish not to help out at all.

I don't know why they put up with it, I really don't but will watch thread with interest.

Oh, NQC, yes, that's it too - the "oh fgs, let me do it, you useless piece of dog crap".

Er, perhaps these martyr-like creatures wouldn't have so much to do if they didn't criticise so much?

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I remember an acquaintance moaning about how her 'D'H had changed a nappy in the early days of having their second child, and had left the wet nappy on a wooden surface . She said this expecting me to share her horror.

Apparently she is so rude about her 'D'H in front of her DD1, that her DD1 now joins in.

(Oops, do I know you? I am rubbish at keeping track of people ...)

and at starved 1yo - she must've been so hungry!

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Difficult if two partners have different standards. I get annoyed when dh does the filing. He does it wrong. He gets annoyed with me when I do DIY. I am too slapdash. So I do the filing and he does the DIY. We divide up other tasks in a similar fashion. Works for us.

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Ah, yes, I remember wandering.

It is difficult when people have different standards. But fact is, even if you accept the basic premise that, say, your higher standards are right, and the lower standards are wrong, being rude isn't the way to bring the other person around to your POV, is it?

I think sometimes it can be quite controlling of the woman to do this though, flying in the face of the low self esteem answer

If she manages to undermine any efforts made by her DP/DH then she can then dictate how things are done. Usually at its best round about the time when the first child is born, when the woman starts dictating how to do things for the baby. I imagine there is only so many times a man is going to hear, 'no do it this way', 'oh she doesn't like that', 'ofgs that nappy isn't on right', 'Give him to me, he always settles better with me' and so on infititum!

Sometimes growing good fathers and good husbands means gritting your teeth and biting your tongue, and being a little humble too! Women don't have all the answers in parenting and domestic life, and until they accept that, then their nit picking, undermining ways, will stop men from even trying to pass 'go'!