Why do women put up with useless men? Do they <whispers> martyr about it a bit?

[hunkermunker]

Not abusive, not unkind particularly, just useless.

There have been LOADS of threads lately about the most ridiculously useless specimens of men and I really do wonder whether some women just enjoy moaning about their partners and would actually feel quite threatened (or some other word like that) if their partner started pulling his weight around the house, etc.

When my husband tries to be useless, asking stupid questions about simple things etc, I just tell him to use his initiative. Usually works. I do believe that some women would feel threatened if their husband were allowed to be competent. It's probably just learned behaviour from their own childhoods.

This is going to be one big long warble.
And it might not make much sense.
But im going to try.
My dad beat the shit out of my mum for years, and she left, went to a refuge and brought us 3 kids up on her own. Imbedded in me somewhere along the line was...bloody hell, you cant rely on anyone else but yourself. Not sure where that comes into it but it does.
So im 17 and pregnant.
And then im 18 with a 3 month old baby that hasnt stopped screaming since she was born, or so it seemed, everytime I went to go to sleep she would wake up.
Dps doing nightshifts, sleeping through the day. No good for any relationship. Ive had no sleep for 3 nights, its 1am, babys crying, please can you get the baby. "No" says dp simply.
Inside im fucking raging, but im too tired to argue andything other than meekly, but im thinking, how is it youve got a fucking choice? And if I dont go and get her, and your saying you wont
And then once the babys asleep I dont want to cause an arguement in the middle of the night.
And I dont ask again, for a long time, because to have a child with someone who wont get out of the bed to see to then when youve asked, well its soul destroying.
...
...
...and I havent forgotten, and dd1 is 9 now.
And dp doesnt remember saying No, but I will never forget.
And so it has continued.
And my mum says your the only one whos managed to keep a family together, and the kids love thier dad bla bla bla...
I have put up with little digging remarks and shite for years and years and years. Im only joking, he says. But hes not, because his nasty little jokes are only aimed at me.
Never anyone else.
At new year I had completely had enough and he left.
And he was destroyed by it.
I think maybe the thought of standing on his own two feet was too much for him.
1 month on, after being nice for oohhh a whole 13 days the little digs are coming back.
To Be Continued.

My mother always told me, 'Marry a man for money, and you'll earn every penny.'

She was right.

Useless, was the subject, oh yes, First time he was left with dd1 was when I went into hospital with dd2. And he arrived at 4pm with dd2, 3 years old, who looked like she had been dresed at a jumble, with unbrushed hair and she hadnt had anything to eat. It was 4pm.

Sounds like he was too immature to handle parenthood, charliecat. He prob does remember being an arse then, but is choosing to block it from his memory. You are right to be vigilant about his little digs. They have a way of grinding one down. thinking about my sister's ex here, who has subsenquently revealed himself as a complete fruitcake

Cannot understand that these sort of men exist. Dp is marvellous, shares all housework...in fact sometimes does more because his tidyness standard is higher than mine . Shares cooking, and is perfcetly capable of looking after dc's.

I grew up in a very feminist household, and was always told never to wait on a man. I would never have considered dating a man who wasn't domesticated.

When I was a student, fellow male student asked me what to wash the floor with . I didn't have a clue

Think I have been a bit guilty of this. dh isn't useless at all, he is very talented, just not much into childcare. One of the reasons I do nearly everything is because hes such a damn perfectionist and it would drive me mad - ds1 has autism and I am sure dh is on the spectrum somewhere. He'd also upset the kids a lot as he doesn't have much patience. Obviously he can do it as he managed with the older two when I was in hospital having No3. I don't actually moan about him very much and def not a martyr... I don't mind doing it really as he is earning the dosh and has a v well paid job. dh also has health probs so another reason... probably always much more complicated than it looks in a lot of cases on herebut yes some men are useless and obviously it works both sides and they need a kick up the arse.

Easy for me to scoff at women who moan about how they're stuck with useless partners because I enjoyed living on my own (for years before I met DH) - so I'd much rather do that than live with an imbecile.

And I'm not very patient with friends who endlessly complain but don't do anything about it. I don't care whether they're martyrs or control-freaks. They are boring!!! (And it probably affects my relationship with their DH/DP too).

Oh I don't know, I find them quite funny.

Especially the one who constantly tells me how lucky I am to be a single parent and not to have to put up with a DH like hers.

And I tell her I know how lucky I am. And she always looks a bit uncertain about that...

Most of us 'martyrs' don't have totally useless men - we have men who are useless in a particular area which in many cases happens to the domestic one. And as for not doing anything about it....how often do you have to try before you give it up as a bad job? And is it really worth ending a relationship over? I've been with DH for 20 years and in all that time he has never really got the hang of housework - not for want of trying on my part. So do I chuck him out?

I'd love it if he started pulling his weight a bit more but yes, I will admit that I like feeling capable. I know that there isn't much I couldn't turn my hand to.