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Original poster

what would YOU do? please advise me

56 replies

concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 18:27

ok, I have this friend who has been looking for "ms right" for some time.
He's been internet dating for a while and recently got chatting to a young lady who he got on with very well.

On meeting her this weekend it turns out that rather than being 19, as she claimed she is in fact 16. He is 30.

Don't get me wrong, I know he isn't just after a shag, or to take advantage. He's one of the nicest friends I have, a realy lovely bloke.
But she is 16!
They had sex this weekend. he drove 2 hrs to meet her, then all the way back to his so they could spend the weekend together. her parents think she was staying with a friend.

am I right to think this it totally wrong? or am I overreacting?

he is looking for a serious relationship and wants kids and I can't believe that she wants the same oiut of this.
he is also loaded and I think she may be taking advantage of his good nature.

I've e-mailed him telling him I think it's all going to end in tears but I just wanted some more opinions on it. and to rant somewhere because I have no-one else to talk to!

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 05/02/2007 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledodgy · 05/02/2007 18:30

Also she's lied about her age once she could be 14 for all he knows..

Aloha · 05/02/2007 18:34

Yes, she could easily be under age. He is being led by his dick and this could be a disaster. It is also, IMO, immoral.

prettymum · 05/02/2007 18:36

this sounds so wrong, i can see it ending up a disaster

NbgsYellowFeathers · 05/02/2007 18:36

Thats scary.

He should be walking away. All she'll be interested in is his money and the fact he has a car.

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 18:39

ok, at least I know it's not just me overreacting then.
I might show him this thread. I think he gets smitten far too easily when girls reciprocate his affection. and he goes into things without thinking it through.

OP posts:
anorak · 05/02/2007 18:43

Personally I would not interfere. You have said your bit and I would leave it at that.

I knew my own mind at the age of 16 and there are others that do too. And if she is under age then you have said your piece, what more can you do?

At the end of the day he is your friend and I wouldn't risk losing him.

NappiesGalore · 05/02/2007 18:44

when i was 16 id have loved it. and id have hated people judging it to be inappropriate w/out knowing me...

but 16 is soooooo young. and id probably chew him up and spit him out if it were my daughter. if i had a daughter that is.

i had a 2 yr relationship when i was 16, which i started out by saying i was 18. he was 21 i think... and even with that gap, he was uneasy about me being so young.

im always suspicious of older men with much younger shags...

i think youre right in the OP. he may be a lovely bloke, but it'll all end in tears... probably.

WWWCampbellBlack · 05/02/2007 18:44

It is immoral. He should have walked away. He still should.

prettymum · 05/02/2007 18:46

what if things dont go her way, theres a scary chance she can accuse him of luring him (just a thought)

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 18:47

well this is the thing, he says "oh the age gap shouldn't matter" and IMO it doesn't it's the fact that she's 16 not the fact that she is 14 yrs younger than him iyswim?
and he said how he'd have to hide her real age from everyone etc etc. if he is happy dating a 16 yr old then why need to hide it?
so he knows that it isn't right.

OP posts:
prettymum · 05/02/2007 18:48

i meant luring her

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 18:48

prettymum, I did think that too.
I know I should reserve judgement on her until I've met her. But however nice she is and however mature she seems I still don't think that at 16 she is ready for the kind of relationship that he wants.

but anorak you might be right,. I might just have to try and keep my big mouth shut (which will be difficult!)

OP posts:
ledodgy · 05/02/2007 18:49

I'm more concerned that unless he sees her birth certificate she may not be 16 and if this turns out to be the case, when her parents find out he will undoubtedly be accused of grooming her and could be charged with all sorts.

anorak · 05/02/2007 18:52

I agree it is worrying that she keeps it secret from her parents. But intefering can cost you a friendship. And in this sort of case it is doubtful your friend will listen to you.

I think you were right to say what you thought and now it is right to stop saying any more and just be there for him. And if it all goes wrong and you have to just be there for him then so be it.

lou33 · 05/02/2007 19:09

i have to agree with those who said she could well be lying about her age as she has done so already

wotzsaname · 05/02/2007 19:12

another to agree with those that say she could be even younger. He could get himself in deep trouble.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/02/2007 19:13

Agree with everyone else.

FioFio · 05/02/2007 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NappiesGalore · 05/02/2007 19:31

16 felt so grown up when i was there. but 16yo's now, to me they are children. not really any grey area; they are kids. its not right.

but none of that is relevent to you really, just me waffling.

personally, i think you sound like you have your head screwed on about it all... i dont neccessarily agree that you should bite your tongue completely forever more since youve said your piece though... sure, back off but if you still feel strongly about it... well you can be a freind by saying how you really feel as well as a friend by staning by and letting him make a mistake.

i think the most relevent point to make to him is the one you say about her not possibly being ready for the kind of relationship he wants. ask him how he'll feel if they do settle down, have akid even, then in 2, 3 years time, she has grown up and changed and wants more/different things from life... even if she sincerely believes she wants to settle down now...

NappiesGalore · 05/02/2007 19:33

of course, it is possible they'll be together and happy 40 years from now.

pretty sodding highly unlikely though!!

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 22:50

well, have spoken to him a bit more tonight and he has seen her provisional driving licence which backs up her age as 16.
He thanked me for telling him what I really thought and not just what he wanted to hear.
He still really likes her but says he's aware of the risks so will take it slowly.
I still think he should back right off and just be friends with her, but hey, it's his life and he can do what he likes.
hope it all turns out ok though

OP posts:
lou33 · 05/02/2007 23:12

i think he should have nothing to do with her, not even be friends tbh

fwiw i asked my p what he thought as he is a smiliar age, at 28, and he said it's way too young, and said for him even 18 would be pushing it

his previous relationship was with someone of 24 and i am 40 btw, so he isnt exactly narrow minded wrt age

jajas · 05/02/2007 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brimfull · 05/02/2007 23:23

Is she doing her gcse's?
Seriously,what do they talk about?
I have a 15 yr old and I would be livid with a 30 yr old man who willingly bedded her at 16.I knwo it's legal but it still seems very wrong to me.

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