Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

what would YOU do? please advise me

56 replies

concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 18:27

ok, I have this friend who has been looking for "ms right" for some time.
He's been internet dating for a while and recently got chatting to a young lady who he got on with very well.

On meeting her this weekend it turns out that rather than being 19, as she claimed she is in fact 16. He is 30.

Don't get me wrong, I know he isn't just after a shag, or to take advantage. He's one of the nicest friends I have, a realy lovely bloke.
But she is 16!
They had sex this weekend. he drove 2 hrs to meet her, then all the way back to his so they could spend the weekend together. her parents think she was staying with a friend.

am I right to think this it totally wrong? or am I overreacting?

he is looking for a serious relationship and wants kids and I can't believe that she wants the same oiut of this.
he is also loaded and I think she may be taking advantage of his good nature.

I've e-mailed him telling him I think it's all going to end in tears but I just wanted some more opinions on it. and to rant somewhere because I have no-one else to talk to!

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 05/02/2007 23:30

I don't think it's the gap that's the issue so much as her age IYSWIM. There's 11 yrs between DH and I but I was 19 when we met and 20 when we got together.

Agree there's a definite risk she could be underage and ignorance is no excuse in the law - this is v serious, he could end up on the sex offenders register.

If he's serious about her and thinks it's genuine then he should ask to see her passport. However, I don't think she let him see it would she?

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 23:30

well, he has lived a rather mundane, shelteredlife and she is rather more worldy, for want of a better word so I think they even each other out.

I have a VERY good frend who is 13 yrs older than me, and i've knowhn him since I was 17. So, I don't think that it's impossible to even have a friendship with that age gap.

I dunno. I'm trying to talk sense into him lol

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 05/02/2007 23:33

Sorry writing my post while u posted. Good that she showed him ID. I have a friend wh's in early 30s and started seeing a 16 year old 3 yrs ago - her family were very against it and we were all a bit shocked BUT they're still together. Don't rule it out but stay honest with him.

Good luck to him anyway - hope he finds mrs right!

fortyplus · 05/02/2007 23:38

Isn't he aware that he could end up on the sex offenders' register? 16 is the age of consent but if she gets funny and complains then if she's under 18 he's in trouble.

Having said that - I had some much older boyfriends when I was young - bigger age gaps than him but I was a little older. eg at 21 I went out with a guy of 42 - but lots of people said he only looked 25.

I know someone who married a man 32 years older than her and they were very happy together - but he died when their daughters were 12 & 15.

airy · 05/02/2007 23:38

You say he knows she's 16 because he's seen her provisional driving license, you can't get a driving license until you're 17 can you?
Are you sure he's not just saying this to you to stop you worrying about her possibly being underaged?

fortyplus · 05/02/2007 23:39

Yes you can - you can ride a moped at 16

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 05/02/2007 23:42

yes, sorry should have clarified., she has just done her cbt. so is motorbike

OP posts:
airy · 05/02/2007 23:43

Ahh ok I didn't know that. Learn something new every day on here

RoundTheBend · 05/02/2007 23:49

Sorry, but I think your friend is totally in the wrong. He should have walked away. At 16 she is experimenting with life, at 30 he should know enough about life not to take advantage of a 16 year old.

colditz · 05/02/2007 23:52

Oh Crikey

I have a 16 year old sister, and if I caught any of my 30 year old mates sniffing round her, I would kneecap them.

the thing is, at 16 you feel adult, and you can act adult enough to fool stupid men, but you're NOT adult really.

Could you try drumming into him that this time last year, he was 29, but she was at school?

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 06/02/2007 00:00

she still is at school

OP posts:
lou33 · 06/02/2007 00:03

it's all wrong

fortyplus · 06/02/2007 00:04

He's thinking it's ok because she's 16 - but it's not. Does he realise that he can get in a lot of trouble as she's under 18?

RoundTheBend · 06/02/2007 00:05

You are in an awful positon and I really do sympathise but tell him to WALK AWAY NOW!

He is not a nice bloke. My dd is coming up 16 and if I thought for one minute that a 30 year old bloke was shagging her, I would not hesitate to cut his bollocks off and cause him more shit and pain than he could EVER imagine.

Maybe her parents feel the same.........

Original poster
concernedonlooker · 06/02/2007 00:13

well, i've pasted some bits from here (talking on msn to him)
and had a really long chat

he got a bit sad and said, yes, I am right. that he shouldn't be doing it but he got carried away.

so i told him to be the grown up and at the very least he should cool it completely for at least 6 months and see how they both feel then,

she'll probably have moved on. and hopefully so will he

OP posts:
colditz · 06/02/2007 00:15

the thing is, we are not just potential mothers of 16 year old girls, we used to |BE 16 year old girls. QWe remember how childlike we were, especially while still at school.

fortyplus · 06/02/2007 00:18

He's in a difficult position, now, because she will think that he was just using her.
What a shame he couldn't control himself this weekend.

colditz · 06/02/2007 00:21

rthe best thing he could do is introduce her to a much much younger friend of his.

What about taking her out as a group of friends, as friends, to a nice club?

tjhat way, she might meet someone really nice, closer to her own age, and she would be safe with friends?

I don't know, it's difficult.

lou33 · 06/02/2007 00:23

he got carried away?

he's 30, she's 16, sorry thats no excuse

i found a 21 yr old man in my bedroom the weekend before last, he was uninvited and drunk, and had obviously got carried away and thought it was ok to wake me up and try it on.

in the room next to me my almost 15 yr old daughter was sleeping, what if he had wandered in there instead and got carried away?

he should be more than a bit sad, he should be fucking mortified at his behaviour, and not even thinking about seeing her again until she is over 18

colditz · 06/02/2007 00:25

I also don't really know how her parents wouold feel, as I only have boys and they are little, but if it is even 1/10 as strong as I feel about my sister, he risks being ripped limb from limb.

lou33 · 06/02/2007 00:28

thats the kind of feeling yes, colditz

fortyplus · 06/02/2007 00:35

Agree - but I still think that the poor child - because that's what she is - is going to feel terribly rejected - even if he sees sense and leaves her alone now, he's already done the dirty deed. She could even end up pregnant, presumably?

nappyaddict · 06/02/2007 02:28

if it was my 16 year old i don't think i would be very happy. saying this when 2 of my friend were 16 they went out with 26 year olds and their parents were ok with it. i am 18 and was seeing a 29 year old a while ago and my parents were ok with that. ironic really cos my dad went out with a 16 year old when he was ... well i don't no how old but older than 30 cos he had me when i was 30 and i can remember it. about 36 i i think he was and my mum used to slate him so much for it saying it was disgusting. her partner was also 18 years older than her but she was 30 when they met. i honestly think sometimes larger age gaps can work. not always forever cos eventually they might want different things.

what he needs to consider are he wants a family - can he risk waiting til she is a bit older and wants kids too and them maybe splitting up before it happens?

is she just doing it cos she wants to leave home - does she have a shit home life?

there's also the money thing.

or does she just like the idea of safety and security which isn't necessarily money grabbing or does she actually just like him for being him. is she a mature 16 who doesn't have anything in common with boys her own age? is she searching for a father figure?

at the end of the day i would let him get on with it cos i wouldn't want to risk losing a friend. its not like what he's doing is illegla.

nappyaddict · 06/02/2007 02:36

also my friend her who is 19 has a 36 year old partner. they'be been together 2 years and have a beautiful baby girl.

you never know - she could be interested into commitment and settling down, i'm 18 and am dying to settle down. at school when everyone else knew they wanted to be a lawyer, teacher, doctor, accountant all i knew was i wanted to be a mum. i wouldn't say i was overly mature for my age. i can be immature and mature - as i think most of you will agree you probably are at times?

didn't know he could get in trouble for her being under 18 though. thought it was only 16.

themildmanneredjanitor · 06/02/2007 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread