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Original poster

I don't think he is the father

63 replies

mrsweeble · 04/01/2007 23:47

ok i am reg mumnetter and im in a pickle
i prob should go on jeremy kyle but can't do the complete public humiliation thing- this will be quite enough i think

ok here goes...

ok i had 2 great kids with my now ex- he was a violent twat and i finally left him, i moved away and he took me to court for custody etc, i got custody but he got loads of contact.

i have really strong feelings that the 2nd kid(dd) is not biologically my exs, i had a one night stand at the time of conception with my childhood sweetheart who i loved so much- however i havent seen him since.
i kinda carried on this lie mainly because i wasn't sure and also because i was scared of what ex would do if i told him at the time. Then through the custody battle i just couldn't bring myself to tell this awful secret.
ex is not the best dad to my kids, he sees them every occasion but continuosly effs their head up, wont go into detail here as someone irl may reconise me.
anyway i always let ex have kids on contact days but ex is always threatening me with court again! what else can he go for anyway??

anyway shall i tell this shameful secret and hope the kids are young enough to "get over it" or shall i just forget it forever, what will it achieve anyway? shall i try and get a paternity test?

does anyone know legally what can happen here? regarding contact, csa maintanance, birth certificate etc?

what would the reaction be from ex? and the kids? will he demand a dna test or will he ignore the information? will it all go back to court and the judge award him custody?

please i need advice, don't judge me too harshly,im not a troll either.
i was young and stupid! i know that now, im trying to put things right just don't know where to start. can anyone advise?

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 04/01/2007 23:55

I would continue keeping silent, if the ex rejects one of your children, then that will be very upsetting for them. I'm not sure but I suspect you might have to pay back maintenance as well for your 2nd child. I would have thought that it would have weakened his case for custody if you did confirm that your 2nd child wasn't his.

untruth · 04/01/2007 23:59

I've changed my name for this.

My advice would be to keep very quiet. I've managed to keep quiet for 15 years. It is possible. Don't risk the upset and the possibility that your DCs get separated.

colditz · 05/01/2007 00:02

Personally I would keep my mouth shut, because what's done is done. You could only make the situation worse, you won't make it any better.

Chandra · 05/01/2007 00:06

After all this time and events I could only keep my mouth shut, for the kid your ex is his father, and whether you like him or not your son would be devastated to know the truth...if there is such truth, although given the circumstances I would preffer to keep the uncertainity rather than finding out.

themoon66 · 05/01/2007 00:14

I'm of the 'let it lie' school of thought. I can only see trouble if you start stirring it up now. And he might want all the maintenance money back too!

I don't understand why you want to spill the beans now... is it just to ease your own conscience?

Peridot30 · 05/01/2007 00:20

Cant believe so many people are saying keep quiet.

"whats done is done" Doesn't Mrs Weebles dd deserve to know who her father is. How would you feel if she eventually found out the truth? I think every child deserves to know the truth about their parents.

Mrs Weeble we all make mistakes but surely your daughter deserves to know the truth.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/01/2007 00:20

Let it lie.

He is, to all intents and purposes, their father anyway.

Edam · 05/01/2007 00:22

why do you want to establish paternity now, after all this time? How old are your children?

My first reaction to your post is 'no, don't risk this'.

colditz · 05/01/2007 00:24

What did the child ever do that was so bad, that she deserves to have her life tipped upside down, Peridot? I truly believe it would be more moral to leave well alone.

Edam · 05/01/2007 00:26

Peridot, until a couple of years ago when DNA testing became widely available, it was very, very common for problems like this to be hushed up. Researchers looking for something completely different stumbled across this when doing some gene testing, discovered an amazing stat of something like 1/8 children were not actually genetically the child of the man everyone thought was their father. Mrs Weeble is far from alone.

Peridot30 · 05/01/2007 00:33

I know she is far from alone and colditz this child never asked to be born and have her life 'tipped upside down' but wouldn't it be better to come out just now rather that 15/20years time? Secrets never remain secret they always come out in the end. Honest IMO is the best policy.

colditz · 05/01/2007 00:34

Better in 20 years when she is a grown woman herself, IMVHO

Peridot30 · 05/01/2007 00:37

Dont you think 20yrs down the line she would have major resentment and anger towards her mum for not telling her sooner. I know if it happened to me i would be mega pissed off finding out at my age that my dad is not my dad.

Original poster
mrsweeble · 05/01/2007 00:46

well the reason i am thinking about spilling the beans now is because time is going so fast and i believe it was a mistake to lie all those years ago, dd is 7 now - a young 7 due to past speech difficulties, ive realised that if i am ever going to tell then it has to be now.
there are also other reasons like the way ex treats the kids.
would it not hurt her more in 20 years? maybe if she was told now she might get over it and it will all blow over and on her brothers contact with ex she will get used to being treated by me and my dp.

OP posts:
colditz · 05/01/2007 00:48

Imagine this, awful, but do.

You tell her and your ex the truth. 6 months later you get hit by a bus. Your ex doesn't want a child that isn't his. what will happen?

colditz · 05/01/2007 00:49

20 years later, she is n adult, and doesn't need someone to take legal responsibility for her.

Peridot30 · 05/01/2007 00:50

Mrs Weeble you know my opinion on it.Secrets always surface. Does anyone other than you know bout your doubts?

Peridot30 · 05/01/2007 00:53

Would you want someone who was violent having custody of your child under any circumstances? I know i wouldn't.

Lies hurt and tear families apart.

Quootiepie · 05/01/2007 00:54

can you find the potential father, and just DNA test with him? If its negative, then you will know who is the father. The ex doesnt have to know.

jampots · 05/01/2007 00:56

dhs cousin found out a few years ago that her father wasnt her father - her uncle was instead! It hasnt ruined their relationship.

In any event, as far as mrsweeble knows her dh is teh childs father - only she knows the possibility that it might not be but for now thats all it is a possibility

NappiesGalore · 05/01/2007 00:58

cant give advice, but questions i would ask would be
-how do you think brother will feel going to ex alone - esp if he 'f's with their heads'
-do you think dd will be happier in the long run?

how bloody awful to have to send either of them if hes such a tosser... dont envy you.

i see where youre coming from, wanting to 'fix' things, and the timing... just make sure you think it all through, all the implications to everybody...

in essense though, i think im more inclined to think the truth is prob the best way, but i dont know the people and details involved so would stop short of advising it.

i wish you strength to get through it if you do tell, and strength to bear the secret which is obviously not easy for you if you dont...

Original poster
mrsweeble · 05/01/2007 01:14

i like to think dp would have kids if i was run over, im positive they would have a better life with him than ex if i died.

the only people that know are dp and a few people from the past who i drunkenly burdened

i was unsure in the past but am more convinced that she is not ex's because of looks, manerisms etc.

i suppose i could try to find her probable biological dad and get a paternity test but it would be quite difficult as i think he is in australia, he knew of my pregnancy when he left this country and left thinking it was his baby- says it all really!

i have no idea how ds would react to it all he would probably feel weird about going to his dads without dd and truthfully i dont know if dd would be happier

OP posts:
Peridot30 · 05/01/2007 01:24

I think the fact that other people know then you have to tell dd. Think you and dp need to have a chat and think of a simple but truthful way to tell her.

Think how you would feel if you were told this later in life. I know it may seem cruel to tell her at a young age but IMO its better to know now than 15/20 years down the line. Good Luck whatever you decide x

Chandra · 05/01/2007 01:29

But tell her what? that she suspects she is not the daughter of her father? To much pain to bear in something that may not even be true.

MomOnTheRun · 05/01/2007 04:44

Unless you know for sure that ex is not the father, don't do anything. What if ex is the father and dd been told that he may not be? What picture will you be painting as a mother? Committed adultery, confusing dd and winding up ex. That will probably give him amunition to apply for custody of dc.

If you want to find out for sure, have dna tests done secretly. If your childhood sweetheart is the father, try and make contact with him and get his reaction. There's nothing worse for a child than finding out the father you've known is not your real dad and the biological guy wants nothing to do with you.

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