Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

I don't think he is the father

63 replies

mrsweeble · 04/01/2007 23:47

ok i am reg mumnetter and im in a pickle
i prob should go on jeremy kyle but can't do the complete public humiliation thing- this will be quite enough i think

ok here goes...

ok i had 2 great kids with my now ex- he was a violent twat and i finally left him, i moved away and he took me to court for custody etc, i got custody but he got loads of contact.

i have really strong feelings that the 2nd kid(dd) is not biologically my exs, i had a one night stand at the time of conception with my childhood sweetheart who i loved so much- however i havent seen him since.
i kinda carried on this lie mainly because i wasn't sure and also because i was scared of what ex would do if i told him at the time. Then through the custody battle i just couldn't bring myself to tell this awful secret.
ex is not the best dad to my kids, he sees them every occasion but continuosly effs their head up, wont go into detail here as someone irl may reconise me.
anyway i always let ex have kids on contact days but ex is always threatening me with court again! what else can he go for anyway??

anyway shall i tell this shameful secret and hope the kids are young enough to "get over it" or shall i just forget it forever, what will it achieve anyway? shall i try and get a paternity test?

does anyone know legally what can happen here? regarding contact, csa maintanance, birth certificate etc?

what would the reaction be from ex? and the kids? will he demand a dna test or will he ignore the information? will it all go back to court and the judge award him custody?

please i need advice, don't judge me too harshly,im not a troll either.
i was young and stupid! i know that now, im trying to put things right just don't know where to start. can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Peridot30 · 07/01/2007 03:02

Agree with Quootiepie. Your doing the right thing. Cant believe so many people say let it lie! Which means lying to your daughter. Find out the truth sooner rather than later. You dont want your daughter resenting you if this secret turns out to be true. Everyone deserves to know the truth about who they 'belong to' especially for their medical history. Good Luck whatever you decide. x

SHhhhh · 07/01/2007 03:28

U r definately doing the right thing..... my sis has a dd n ds.... ds is her dh's n dd isnt .... only difference is dh knew from the beginning as they met when her dd was 6 months... they decided to w8 till she was 11 to tell her that he wasnt her dad .... she struggled to come to terms with it as she understood everything.... if it had been left any longer i fear she may have resented her mum.......... as it happens she eventually decided she wanted no contact with her biological father as she saw it her dad was the 1 that had provided 4 her n looked out 4 her all her life.... definately find out the truth before u tell her anything.... at least then u can tell her the whole story...leaving no gaps or questions..... good luck xxxxxxxxxx

BuffysMum · 07/01/2007 08:26

Can I just say I am dreading my dd getting older and understanding a lot more about it all but it is so great that she alread knows. If she ever wants to meet her bio dad I will help her (he knows abut her and pays maintenance all be it fighting tooth and nail all the way) and support her whatever. I know her heart will always belong to her step-dad which is great. Labels don't mean as much as you think if your dp is great with her etc that makes it all a lot easier as she has a positive male role model.

nappyaddict · 07/01/2007 13:09

did the one night stand know that he could possibly be a father?

i would find out if they are half/full siblings first. then i would try and contact the one night stand if it turns out they are half siblings. then i would take it from there depending on what he says.

shimmy21 · 07/01/2007 13:36

Just keep in mind all the way through - what's best for dd? That is the only thing that matters.

Looking at it that way I would say it is not in her best interest to be told that her 'dad' may not be her father. She will need the whole story when /if you tell her.

Step 1: do the sibling dna test
step 2: if she is not your x's (could there be an element of wishful thinking about this?) then contact bio dad in Oz. At this late stage he may deny / demand a dna test himself/ want no contact / want some contact.
step 3: when you know the situation with Oz dad talk to dd as honestly as you can while reassuring her that your x loves her very much as a father even if he isn't genetically (whatever you think of him you will be removing from her the only father she has ever known even if he's not been great.)
step 4: Be prepared to allow her to continue contact with your x as if he was her bio dad. They have both believed he is her father all her life and there is an important bond there whether you like it or not.
step 6: consider your other child's feelings. She/he may also be wishing that a handsome mystery father appears to come to the rescue.
step 7: breath a sigh of relief 5 years down the line that you did this now and not when dd is old enough to start questioning the difference in looks etc herself.

Good luck!

Original poster
mrsweeble · 17/01/2007 14:55

HIya from mrs weeble
If anyones interested i will update you on the situation. I have been to see a solicitor and if my ex is not the father it really makes no difference to parental responsibility or contact. He would still have both, so nothing really would change. (well depending on how he takes the news) I wouldn't have to pay back any maintenance either.
I am going for a DNA test this afternoon to check whether my 2 kids are full or half siblings. I think the results take 10 days.

i am nervous, hope my kids don't read anything in the dna place or know what im doing. what can i tell them?

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 17/01/2007 15:02

Oh, great news. You could say they are having a routine test for something? I'm not sure what the places are like... whether they are hospital like...

Original poster
mrsweeble · 17/01/2007 15:05

yes was thinking of telling them i am getting them tested to see if they need any injections before going on holiday.(haven't got a holiday planned though)

or

testing them to see if they are lacking in any vitamins.

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 17/01/2007 16:03

I imagine you'll feel better once you know.

Peridot30 · 17/01/2007 16:16

Mrs Weeble followed the post from the start. Good luck with dna test your definately doing the right thing. Let us know how things go. Good LUck

Original poster
mrsweeble · 17/01/2007 20:30

DONE IT!!!
was expensive but i have been putting it off for so long. They needed ID and photos and thumb prints. The kids don't suspect a thing i told them it was to see if they needed any holiday jabs. The results are back in 3 weeks or less!
I am positive that my suspicion will turn out to be true. so I've got 3 weeks to plan what i do when i get the results.

OP posts:
Peridot30 · 31/03/2007 02:09

Hi MRS WEEBLE what happened with your results???? Just remembered bout this thread.

mytwopenceworth · 03/04/2007 10:18

???

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread