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Original poster

I don't think he is the father

63 replies

mrsweeble · 04/01/2007 23:47

ok i am reg mumnetter and im in a pickle
i prob should go on jeremy kyle but can't do the complete public humiliation thing- this will be quite enough i think

ok here goes...

ok i had 2 great kids with my now ex- he was a violent twat and i finally left him, i moved away and he took me to court for custody etc, i got custody but he got loads of contact.

i have really strong feelings that the 2nd kid(dd) is not biologically my exs, i had a one night stand at the time of conception with my childhood sweetheart who i loved so much- however i havent seen him since.
i kinda carried on this lie mainly because i wasn't sure and also because i was scared of what ex would do if i told him at the time. Then through the custody battle i just couldn't bring myself to tell this awful secret.
ex is not the best dad to my kids, he sees them every occasion but continuosly effs their head up, wont go into detail here as someone irl may reconise me.
anyway i always let ex have kids on contact days but ex is always threatening me with court again! what else can he go for anyway??

anyway shall i tell this shameful secret and hope the kids are young enough to "get over it" or shall i just forget it forever, what will it achieve anyway? shall i try and get a paternity test?

does anyone know legally what can happen here? regarding contact, csa maintanance, birth certificate etc?

what would the reaction be from ex? and the kids? will he demand a dna test or will he ignore the information? will it all go back to court and the judge award him custody?

please i need advice, don't judge me too harshly,im not a troll either.
i was young and stupid! i know that now, im trying to put things right just don't know where to start. can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Becauseimworthit · 05/01/2007 09:44

Are you sure you're not doing this to get at your exdh?

I think it would be important to know the truth, but at this very vulnerable stage in all your lives I really, really wouldn't tell your exdh or your children. Opening too big a can of worms for now.

nogoes · 05/01/2007 09:48

Keep quiet. You will only stir up trouble if you speak now. Make sure though that you don't tell anyone of your suspicions as finding out from someone else will be a hundred times worse.

UCM · 05/01/2007 09:58

I would tell the truth. I was told at around age 7 I was adopted and to be honest it never bothered me as I was too young to properly understand the concept, but I knew so grew up without any nasty surprises.

I would make 100% sure first though.

Judy1234 · 05/01/2007 10:35

First of all you tell no one and you find out for certain. So get some DNA material from the your other child's father on a contact visit - hair might be enough without him seeing. There must be ways to do it. Give him a drink of water and get the spit off that. Then send it of to be tested with some from your child. If he is the father then you let matters rest but until you know that you don't do anything. No need for anyone to know. If he isn't then you may want to think about telling the real father who probably would want a DNA test but may well be delighted to have a 7 year old.

uwila · 05/01/2007 11:16

Can you have the DNA of the two children tested to see if they are syblings or half syblings (not sure if this is possible)? Then you wouldn't have to contact suspected father and/or x until you knew for sure.

Good luck. This would be a terrible secret to have to keep. It can't be fun for you. Since other people know about it, it is realistic to assume that one day someone might tell her. And so if I were you I would be asking myself from whom do I want her to find out? Me? Stranger? The guy who thinks he's her father? The guy who is her father? And, maybe you;ll find out she is your XH's and then you can quit agonising over what to do.

Original poster
mrsweeble · 05/01/2007 15:09

well... i am almost dissapointed most of you think i should keep the lie, i think maybe that writing it down here was such a relief! i think telling all would relieve my consionce(sp) Im not thinking about doing this to get at ex, but can't deny it would make my everyones life a bit easier and i would be able to change my dd's school without a court order(she is not happy there).
ucm, thats interesting to hear that finding out you were adopted at 7 didn't affect you. I do think the only way it would effect my dd is if ex completely rejected her and in that case i would get dp to do something special with her on her brothers contact weekends- something to keep her so busy she wont notice too much. Am i kidding myself that this is possible?
can't do a dna test secretly either as i don't see ex at all he picks kids up at a distance and drops them off the same.
after some research i can get a sibling test done which will detrmine whether they are full or half siblings, its not as good as a paternity test though and it costs more than double!
maybe i should do that anyway. but thinking about it i am 90% sure because of dds looks. so is it worth it.
Im mainly worried about losing custody of my ds - ex's actual definate son- maybe ill get some legal advice.

OP posts:
UCM · 05/01/2007 15:17

No I don't think you are kidding yourself. IMO she will find it an easier transaction to deal with now than as an adult.

Judy1234 · 05/01/2007 15:18

Yes, because people read into looks what they think they want to see. It's very clear from below you want to believe they are not full siblings so I wouldn't rely on your own judgment at all on it and get the sibling test done instead. May be worth shopping around to get cheaper rates.

uwila · 05/01/2007 15:41

I thin kyou should be sure before you tell ANYONE. And I think you should tell the real father if it turns out to be the guy in Oz before someone else does. I also think you should tell your DD before anyone else does.

If your x is not her father, it sounds like you'll be doing your DD a favor.

opinionsrus · 05/01/2007 15:47

I know this is going against everyone elses answer, but if it was me I could never keep a thing like that quiet as I like everything to be out in the open.

Its not even the best thing for your kids anyway - the truth will ALWAYS come out in the end and they will resent you for not telling them sooner.

What I would do, as sm else has mentioned is to FIND OUT FIRST this is possible as my cousin has done it.

If its his then nothing to worry about, if not then take it from there.

beckybrastraps · 05/01/2007 15:53

Does your ex husband love your daughter? Does ahe love him? Would he still see her as his daughter despite not being the biological father? I know he has been a pretty poor partner and father up 'til now, but htat doesn't necessarily mean that he will want nothing to do with her after all this. And would that be a good thing anyway? ANd could this impact on the relationship between her and her brother?

I'm not saying do nothing, but you must be very, very sure, and I think I would also get some advice before talking to any of those involved.

ginnedupmummy · 05/01/2007 15:54

Message withdrawn

Troutpout · 05/01/2007 15:59

I'd let it lie

Chandra · 05/01/2007 23:44

Erm... following on being told your parent is not so.... well, I know a girl who was adopted and coped well with being told her parents were not her parents but...I was also there to pick up the pieces of two friends who found out and were devastated.

One lost the sense of belonging to the family he lived with, even when his biological brother was also part of his new family, I helped him trace his biological mum and it took months and months of therapy to help him to deal with the truth. The other one... he lost the sense of identity when he found out her older sister was her mother, he became very depressed, I don't think he was the same since then.

So, is it worth it to shatter the world of your DD in order for you to have some peace of mind? I really don't know the circumstances so, please don't take me wrong, but from my point of view your child has already lost her father once through divorce, is it worth it to make her lose him even further?

MKG · 06/01/2007 00:56

Find out the truth first then tell everyone. It's better to tell your dd now then wait until she's an adult when she fully understands the whole situation.

WeWishUAMerryXmasNANappyNewYr · 06/01/2007 01:55

i think you need to find out. your childhoood sweetheart could be a much better dad for all you know. my mums dp has a 14 yr old dd who he has seen a handful of times when she was small cos her mum met someone else when she was still a baby and bought the child up to believe that man was her dad. mums dp prays that one day she will knock on his door.

funkimummy · 06/01/2007 02:07

Not read all of thread. But when I worked a a Legal Secretary. We WOULD NOT DO a DNA test unless paternal (supposed) Fathers wanted contact. In the eyes of the law, if a man has brought a child up as his own for XXX amount of years, he is legally permissable for child. Not much help, but maybe something. Wish I could be more. All I can say is childs welfare is most important in cases and DNA not always taken into account. depend on circumstances

Bucketsofdynomite · 06/01/2007 10:19

Even if you decide to keep quiet, I would start a savings account for all the money you may owe your ex because you never know.

Judy1234 · 06/01/2007 21:56

funk, that was the law David Blunkett changed and then benefited from the change!

BuffysMum · 06/01/2007 22:04

You are more likely to get pregnant by a new partner than your regular one - I remember reading about it something to do with you building up immunity to regular partners sperm etc etc etc etc.

I think I would do the sibling test if they are not full sibling you could tell your dd & ds and leave it up to your dd if she wants to see him or not. She may be glad not to have to see him again?

paulaplumpbottom · 06/01/2007 22:13

I don't know whether you should tell or not but shouldn't you find out for medical purposes? Family medical history can be very important. You don't know what the future may hold for your son's health, it might put you in a worse situation later.

ELF1981 · 06/01/2007 22:26

Personally I wouldn't.
Would this potential father want contact with your DD?
I grew up knowing that my "dad" was my step dad. He and my mum got together when I was about two, I knew from the start. I saw my biological fathers parents. I met him once, when I was 17, at my grandfathers funeral. He didn't come to talk to me, saying he felt I should make the first move.
I know my "dad" (step) considers me his daughter, and he is my dad iyswim, but knowing that there is somebody out there, who knows he is my father and doesnt give a flying fuck hurts the hell out of me. Lesser so now I am older, but in my teens it hurt.
Try to see if your ds and dd are 'full siblings' to put your mind at rest.

satine · 06/01/2007 22:32

Ok, I can see that this is a burden you want to get rid of, but for whose benefit? If the one-night stand guy you think might be the real father disappeared without a backward glance even though he suspected he might have a child, your dd will be no better off then she is currently (that is her real father certainly won't provide a happily ever after scenario).
Be sure that you're not trying to get at your ex, or that this isn't to relieve your guilt. Personally, I'd keep my mouth firmly shut. You're not sure, after all, so if your dd finds out in later life, you can honestly say that you didn't know, and didn't want to destroy her relationship with the man who has been her father, to all intents and purposes.

Original poster
mrsweeble · 07/01/2007 02:50

sorry i dissapeared, ive had pc probs.
im really confused after reading these messages, i really want the best for dd and getting at my ex is not what i want, i actually feel really guilty. It's certainly easier to forget all about it, what would my family and friends think about it!
Ive been thinking about this for so long and i feel now is the time to do something, im not positive i will tell anyone anything yet. I am going to get some legal advice though and i am going to get a dna test done. Ive looked on the internet and i can get a sibling test done to see if they are half or full siblings, it cost 375 OR 411 for a legal one, which is one that has some credibility in court. I know ex will take me to court sooner or later anyway as he threatens it enough.
so plan for monday is ring the dna place and get an appointment with a solicitor.
I may attempt to contact the childhood sweetheart but would that make it all better if dd had someone else she could call dad? maybe that would confuse her more. I don't have contact details for him but have his mums phone number and assuming she hasn't moved house in the last 7 years contacting him may not be that hard, but i am pretty scared to do it. What would i say to his mum and then if i got his number in australia what would i say to him then? and what about his wife and kids etc?
i do feel though that if lies come out now it will be easier on everyone, my worse nightmare is dd hating me which i can see happening if she is told when she is older.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 07/01/2007 02:52

I think you're doing the best thing personally