Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Really finding it hard

71 replies

Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:09

Sort of says it all atm. It was a great Christmas, but I got to last night and just fell apart.

Visitors are trying to help, but they just don't have a lot of sense mosr of the time, and end up makeing more work for me.

Thank god they finaly had the sense to take the kids off our hands today, so that dh and I could have some time together, It is so hard since it is obvious to both of us that this is going to be the last christmas we have together.

I was OK until my sil said she was dreading christmas next year because he parents are moving house and retiring. I just fell apart. She didn't mean to be thoughtless, she is great, but it just showed how different my life it compared to everyone else.

so hard

OP posts:
SHHHHsantahasbeen · 27/12/2006 13:11

not aware of your situation mb but thinking of you and hope things work out for the best. {{hugs}}

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:11

dh is dying of cancer

OP posts:
NOELallie · 27/12/2006 13:16

So sorry MB. I'm not surprised you broke down. Christmas is such an intense time of year. It really does mark the passing of time too.

SHHHHsantahasbeen · 27/12/2006 13:16

oh shit...sorry to be so unaware of your situation.

Thing is maybe these visitors think you and your dh need time with the kids iykwim. They may not want to ask just in case.

God...............what a situation to be in,what are you and dh up to today..? How about going somewhere together, somewhere special..? A drive somewhere quiet or a winter walk giving you chance to chat or even just to be together iykwim.

Time is precious and you need time to reflect as a couple, not just as parents.

Life can deal us some bad things .

jurathernothavesprouts · 27/12/2006 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 27/12/2006 13:19

I don't usually do hugs, but have some big, furry, cuddly ones which make the world go away
{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.

Everything about your life must seem so weird at the moment. Simple things take on a whole new meaning and you are probably stressed beyond belief. I so admire how you've dealt with this terrible blow and I thought your dh's message yesterday was so lovely and dignified. It's easy to see why you adore him so.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and wish there was more I could do than just utter a few banal words.

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:20

TBH, we have had lots of time with the kids, what we need is time alone. W can't 'deal' with the emotion, because the kids are aways with us. And people hoaven't had the sense to see that and take them off our hands so that we can have a break.

He isn't well enough to have a walk.

Being told that 'christmas just will not be the same in a different house' was just the straw that broke the back.

OP posts:
sunnywong · 27/12/2006 13:22

MB, manly pat on arm and offer of a jellybaby coming your way.

StinkyPete · 27/12/2006 13:24

So sorry you have this mb.

Really don't want to sound harsh - but have you asked anyone to take the children for a bit. It sounds like you've got people around who might be able to? Now is not the time to waste time being polite or waiting for people to notice things.

Mercy · 27/12/2006 13:26

Oh MB, I don't know what to say really. SHHHH is right when she says "Time is precious and you need time to reflect as a couple, not just as parents."

Is is possible for someone to have the children for a few hours from time to time?

DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:29

oh mb

well done for keeping it together for so long. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like, but I am surprised that your visitors are not able to have a bit more insight. I think you are dh having time together is so important. Is there any chance you can be direct and say to a close family member how helpful a bit of childcare would be at the moment.

I cannot thinkhow to support you but if I knew someone with this situation in rl I would want to do anything I could - childcare is not too much to ask and they can easily make it really fun for the children so they will see it as a treat.

The last thing you need is to be in highly emotive situations. I think you and dh could really benefit from lots of time together - alone.

I hope those around you understand this too.

Best wishes and lots of love to you both.

andaSOAPBOXinapeartree · 27/12/2006 13:32

MB - I can't remember who said it, but I think there is a quote that says something like 'the thing about grief, is that it sets us apart from the world for a while'.

You and DH need time to grieve right now - and amidst all of the jolliness of Christmas, I hope you find some time to do so.

TBH I think your SIL was pretty insensitive in the circumstances. Sadly though, probably not everyone is tuned in to other people's unrevealed worries and pain

Jimjams2 · 27/12/2006 13:35

That was a remarkably insensitive thing for your SIL to say MB. People will make excuses for her- fair enough - she just wasn't thinking- but its still insensitive. I know I bang on about it ad nauseum but if you know anyone in similar circumstances it can really help to have someone you can ring up and just say "aaaaggghhhhh you'll never guess what so and so just said to me", and they can give their own example of the same thing. And you don't have to explain yourself, or make allowances for the way you feel- you can just feel the way you feel, and get it out of your system without offending anyone.

It doesn't make the actual reality of what's happening any easier at all, but it makes dealing with other people easier.

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:37

I have had a fucking houseful all over the last 10 days. I shouldn't have to ask. We really shouldn't. I have don't all the shopping, cooking, managing etc. They should just fucking think

OP posts:
winnie · 27/12/2006 13:37

MB, ask people to help. Ask them to take the children off your hands so you can spend some time with DH.
People often wish they could do something but don't know what. I am sure there will be people only too glad to help.

Thinking of you all. {{{{{}}}}

Jimjams2 · 27/12/2006 13:39

Oh and the feeling of being different from everyone else is always particularly bad at christmas (and birthdays and family days out and holidays etc etc)- it's a time when certain things are expected- and it's very hard not to go a bit basket case at this time of year if life isn't like that for you. Do try and arrange some child free time. Is there anyone arounde you could give a list of times to and say "can you have the kids for me at such and such a time". So you have some time alone planned, and you know its coming.

Jimjams2 · 27/12/2006 13:40

MB- people never think- your situation is probably too far from their reality.

winnie · 27/12/2006 13:40

MB, our posts crossed.
I am shocked that you have a houseful for ten days and no one has thought of this.
I am sorry.

If you are a strong, coping type person (which you always come across as), I know from experience that people seem to expect you to just get on with it and not need anything more than you'd usually get (if that makes sense). Which is infuriating.

I know you shouldn't have to ask but do anyway and do it again and again and again as needs be.

sunnywong · 27/12/2006 13:42

Yes, ask them, they owe you, these house guests. An afternoon here, a sleepover there.

Are people wringing their hands and asking you if there's anything they can do? If so jump on them.

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:43

I have had 9 visitors over the xmas. MIL has had the children for 45 minutes, so that dh and I could discuss the finacial issues about his will etc.

Oh and she had them when I spent 3 hours doing the xmas shop.

I haven't slept properly for about 2 months and not once, not once, has anyone said, 'sit down I'll make you a cup of tea', or 'you look tired, go and have a nap'

One day I got back from a 3 hour marathon of child ferrying, visiting pharmacists, oncology units, shopping. When I got back MIL and her brother, who had sat down all morning, then sat and watched me make lunch.

How fucking dense can you be?

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:44

10 days - omg they do need to fucking think and if they can't you need to fucking help them by pointing out calmly what they can really do to help.

If they don't get the message fucking shout. I insist.

suedonim · 27/12/2006 13:45

So hard, indeed. I guess everyone is having to wing this situation, MB, so maybe you should tell people straight what you and dh need. In fact, it could make it easier for all concerned if everyone knows where they stand...cards on the table time. Thinking of you all.

Heathcliffscathy · 27/12/2006 13:45

yes they should fucking think. I"m angry on your behalf tbh. But people don't. They never do, even when the situation is so blindingly in need of sensitivity and thought.

MB are you in London, as I'll happily have your kids for the day if you like.

I know this probably isn't your style, but needs must and I think that if you can bear it you should let rip and let those around you know how you feel and most importantly what the two of you need from them.

A letter, a conversation? Patience in this situation isn't a virtue I don't think, you don't have the luxury of waiting for them to get a clue.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with anything but the huge fact of your lovely dh's diagnosis and what that means for your family.

x

NOELallie · 27/12/2006 13:46

Maybe everyone is just trying to be 'normal' and not behave any differently. I expect they are treading on eggshells and that sometimes makes it worse. I think that you do need to ask - they are probably desperate to help out but need you to tell them how.

DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:46

this is unbelievable taht they are so insensitive - why are they not helping you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread