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Original poster

Really finding it hard

71 replies

Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:09

Sort of says it all atm. It was a great Christmas, but I got to last night and just fell apart.

Visitors are trying to help, but they just don't have a lot of sense mosr of the time, and end up makeing more work for me.

Thank god they finaly had the sense to take the kids off our hands today, so that dh and I could have some time together, It is so hard since it is obvious to both of us that this is going to be the last christmas we have together.

I was OK until my sil said she was dreading christmas next year because he parents are moving house and retiring. I just fell apart. She didn't mean to be thoughtless, she is great, but it just showed how different my life it compared to everyone else.

so hard

OP posts:
Aloha · 27/12/2006 21:01

Hello. I have been meaning to write to you since JJ gave me your address (hope that is ok) as I heard about your awful news and thought it was so dreadful and unfair and plain wrong that it should happen so such a lovely person and her fantastic family. I am so, so, so sorry. I got a bit overtaken with events myself - my dad was killed in a car accident very suddenly - so I haven't been in touch. I'm sorry.
As for your family and guests, you do have to ask. It's like being pregnant on the bus/tube. You just need to say, 'sorry, I'm pregnant and need to sit down' and people move you like you wouldn't believe. If you said to those people, 'I'm very stressed and tired, please cook dinner/take the rubbish out/make me some tea' they would not only do it, but they would LOVE doing it and feel really good about themselves for doing it (sadly). Yes, of course they SHOULD think and do it without prompting, but they clearly wont. You need to adapt your beautiful manners to circumstances, I think, and say what you need. Think of it as a gift. Nothing makes people feel better than being needed and useful. Tell them what's necessary and useful and don't hesitate to say, 'this is my last Christmas with my husband, so it would be helpful if you could do x'. Hell, you deserve it in spades. So does he. And it will make them feel good to do it. No losers here. If they have all gone home, great. Be really, really nice to yourself. If you can afford it, get a cleaner or whatever it takes to mean you and your lovely dh can spend time together.

expatinscotland · 27/12/2006 21:05

Oh, MB!

So many have been thinking of you.

Sweetie, please try to look after yourself, or take up fellow MN'ers offers to help w/your children.

Aloha is right. Please take her advice on board.

maisym · 27/12/2006 21:08

mb - thoughts xxx

please say to others what they can do to help - write down what would help you and give this list to all your family and friends - get one off them to co-ordinate and they can fill in the names for the jobs.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/12/2006 21:10

Ditto what Aloha said.

You need to say it now and get angry with folk for being so fucking daft now. Dont save it for later.

tamum · 27/12/2006 21:10

God, how unbelievable. I can understand that your MIL is dealing with her own grief but the rest of them sound staggeringly thoughtless. I am so, so sorry. I thought they were going to stay in a hotel? Can you ring one of your sixth formers and see if they could take them children out somewhere for a few hours? I know they offered to babysit, maybe they would be willing to take them to a museum or something? Of course you need time on your own. Oh sweetie.

Issymum · 27/12/2006 21:16

Aloha has put it beautifully and I so agree. There must have been dozens of people who have said to you 'If there is anything I can do ....'. Now is the time to choose the best of them, start the conversation with 'I would really appreciate your help right now please could you do x for me' where x is spelled out in words of one syllable.

The DH of a friend of mine was diagnosed with neck and throat cancer a year or so ago. They have had a grim time although he is in remission now. One day in the Summer, in the worst of the barrage of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, she rang me up and said "What I'd really like is for you to invite me over to your house for lunch, for our kids to play in your garden and for us all to have an ordinary day out." And that's exactly what we did. We had lunch (even though her DH could eat very little of it), we drank some wine and we chatted about the cancer and schools and house prices and whether Farrow & Ball paint is a rip off. And I felt very honored that she could ask this of me.

Issymum · 27/12/2006 21:40

I should have started my message by saying that yes, your guest have been thoughtless and inept and it is utterly staggering that you have managed to withstand 10 days. And I'm so, so sorry that you and Mr MB are having to deal with any of this.

Just a second thought on help. Is there any possibility of buying in some help where you need it? It's just so much easier when you can tell somebody what to do and don't have to be bloody grateful!

Miaou · 27/12/2006 21:49

Oh, mb, I'm so sad that it has worked out this way for you. I have been thinking of you over Christmas and had this image in my head of everyone running round after you and your lovely dh - I feel both sad and angry on your behalf that this didn't happen! But I honestly couldn't put it any better than Aloha did. No, you shouldn't need to ask. But you have an absolute right to expect some help, and get it whichever way you can, and if that means asking for it, then do.

I really hope things improve for you very soon x x x x

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 21:52

Oh, how wonderful to 'see' you!

Have cleaner already, thank god.

Most of them have now gone. Dh did point a few things out today, and they did take the kids out for a few hours over lunch, and it was such a relief to just be the two of us for a little while.

I'm so sorry to read about your father, what a dreaful shock it must have been.

OP posts:
rickman · 27/12/2006 22:03

Message withdrawn

paulaplumpbottom · 27/12/2006 22:18

I'm so sorry to ear that they have put you in this situation. To think they are letting you wait on them at a time when they sould be spoiling you and your DH. All I can do is keep you in my prayers which I will. I ope tey will all be leaving you soon.

foxinsocks · 28/12/2006 18:11

hi mb, hope you've had a better day today and I'm glad your visitors are out of your hair (and well done dh for pointing things out to them!).

Aloha · 29/12/2006 21:29

Yes, it was a horrible shock, but he was 73 and he suffered really very little. I am glad about that.
Glad you have got rid of most - and keep asking! I love being asked to help in a way that I can actually manage. It's a real feelgood thing for most people. And you do deserve it.

xxxx

myrrhthamoo · 29/12/2006 21:41

You poor thing. Can't believe the thoughtlessness you have had to put up with. I have no idea where you live but I would come round and make you a cup of tea (actually, I'm not very good at tea - would coffee do?) and so your vacuuming - I'd even do your ironing and I hate ironing.

I think if they are going to be this obtuse then you have to ask - ring and say "can you take the children for x number of hours today?" Maybe you seem to be 'coping' and they don't think you need any help - hard to believe they could think that but people can be remarkably dim, sometimes. I'm glad dh said something - maybe they'll buck their ideas up a bit now...I think maisy's idea of a list is good. Sometimes people do want to help but they don't know where to start.

That was a big old waffle really - just wanted to pat you on the arm in a manly fashion too

Original poster
Blandmum · 29/12/2006 21:45

They have all now gone, except MIL who is being kind and helpful (after a little prompting by dh)

I feel better now, well sort of, the main thing never gets better.

OP posts:
myrrhthamoo · 30/12/2006 11:52

Is MIL going soon? I find when I have house guests I long for the time when they all go home and we can be "just us." There's a Chinese proverb, isn't there - guests, like fish, start to stink after 3 days...something like that, I think.

I'm glad she's pulled her finger out now, anyway (that sounds mean, I know dh is her son and she is hurting too - but you need hands on, practical, 'doing' support...not sitting round needing waiting on hand and foot support)

welliemum · 30/12/2006 13:01

So sorry to hear about the thoughtless houseguests.

While I agree that it's a good idea to ask for help, I'm guessing that that's not the point, because if you're anything like me, you sometimes want people to just grow a bit of empathy and understand.

It's (ime) emotionally draining to have to spell things out for people all the time.

Anyway, I hope you're having some time together now, and a bit of rest too.

mymama · 02/01/2007 08:50

mb better late than never I guess with your mil helping.

Just keep asking her to do stuff and deal with the niceties later. Surely she should understand how you feel - it is her child who is ill. I imagine she is finding it hard to cope with too I suppose.

NewMoonOnMonday · 02/01/2007 09:18

MB - glad that they've almost all left now, and sorry for you and DH that they were unfeeling and thoughtless.

I'm thinking on the same lines as welliemum here. Maybe the most important thing here is the lack of empathy and understanding. The not being able to put themselves in your position and think of what they would need if they were you, rather than having them do things if you were to shout and make them realise. Appologies if I've got it all wrong.

So sorry for what you and your family are going. I can't even begin to imagine...

Clarinet60 · 03/01/2007 17:16

I really feel for you MB, sorry they have been so thoughtless. Friends of ours have behaved oddly over DS's tumour from diagnosis to prognosis and beyond. The ones we expected to offer the most support skiddadled, never to be seen for ages. When we bump into them now, there are huge elephants in the room. Conversely, people we hardly knew phoned and popped in and from what I hear, that's a common scenario. We still don't see 3 or 4 formerly close friends at all. One popped in at Christmas with presents for the children, but didn't want to see the boys at all or even come into the house!

Family though - that's a different matter. They are thunderstruck by what's happening - it's happening to them too - and they bumble around just like we do. I don't expect any help or thoughtfulness from them because we're all in the same sorry boat. That said, I don't think yours should let you wait on them hand and foot - that's dreadful. I'm assuming your SIL is DH's sister - I don't know what she was thinking of to make such a flippant comment - perhaps her brain is scrambled with the stress of it all. Your MIL - I don't know what your relationship with her is like, she could be a total dragon for all I know, but I do know what she's going through and I can attest that it makes you crazy. She probably needs help herself - though not from you, of course.

All I can suggest is that future family gatherings are hosted by someone else and a rota is drawn up for child-free time for the 2 of you. Horrible have to ask for it formally, but it doesn't sound as if anyone is going to have the gumption to offer. Try to involve friends in this if you can - people who aren't directly losing DH themselves will not, perhaps, be feeling so raw? They might then be able to employ some common sense. Looking back, I wish I had asked people directly instead of chuntering about it. Then if they refuse point blank, you know where you stand with them. (One 'friend' did refuse after being asked twice - but that's another story).
Long, sorry.
xx

amicissima · 03/01/2007 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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