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Original poster

Really finding it hard

71 replies

Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:09

Sort of says it all atm. It was a great Christmas, but I got to last night and just fell apart.

Visitors are trying to help, but they just don't have a lot of sense mosr of the time, and end up makeing more work for me.

Thank god they finaly had the sense to take the kids off our hands today, so that dh and I could have some time together, It is so hard since it is obvious to both of us that this is going to be the last christmas we have together.

I was OK until my sil said she was dreading christmas next year because he parents are moving house and retiring. I just fell apart. She didn't mean to be thoughtless, she is great, but it just showed how different my life it compared to everyone else.

so hard

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 27/12/2006 13:46

cross posts with everyone else.

DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:47

I have changed my mind - I think you should shout at them and get it all off your chest.

SHHHHsantahasbeen · 27/12/2006 13:47

to allow you to discuss the`will !!!!!!!!!!!! wtf !!!!!!!! now that is insensitive

like others havesaid, you need to spell it out..the days of hinting or hoping they would ask are long gone. think about youself now for once.

Jimjams2 · 27/12/2006 13:49

MB- less than 2 weeks after having ds3 by c-section I had house guests. DS1 went off into autsitic frenzy as he does when siblings are born. Dh and I spent from 8 until 11pm each night trying to get him into bed- literally up and down the stairs, him screaming the place down, jumping on the houseguests baby and looked after the newborn etc. After he was finally in bed we had to cook dinner for our houseguests (and ate at 11.30pm). Our houseguests sat in the front room drinking wine. People don't think so you need to explain to them in words of one syllable. Finally I did snap on the last night and suggested that maybe someone else would like to cook dinner that night so we could concentrate on dealing with ds1. Winnie's right that you probably come across as coping. So if you ever get told that you need to say quite directly "I would cope better if I had some time to do x, y and z".

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:49

Oh they are all very nice people, and would do what I ask, but I shouldn't have to ask. I really shouldn't.

And when they do help it often makes more hassle for me, 'Shall I put this away, where do you want me to put it' when I am already in the middle of about 5 different bloody things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 13:51

and it isn't the same people who have been here for 10 days,

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:51

can you ask them to leave early?

sunnywong · 27/12/2006 13:51

No, you shouldn't have to ask

Jimjams2 · 27/12/2006 13:51

oh yes they drive me mad. Just load the fucking dishwasher however you want will you- I don't give a shit.

You shouldn't have to ask but there are very few people who will just pitch in.

DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:51

can you cancel some people?

DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 13:52

nice is nice, but they need to be understanding and they are really not being.

Freckle · 27/12/2006 13:53

Situations which are highly charged emotionally always catch people on the hop, as it were. No one really knows what to do or say. Perhaps (and I'm being kind here) they think you need to keep busy to stop yourself falling apart. Perhaps they talk about ordinary things (such as Christmas in a different house) because they don't know how to talk about what is staring them in the face.

I do agree that they need to think and offer help though. So straight talking is needed. Tell them what to do. Come in and say "well I've done everything up until now. I think it's your turn to do lunch MIL. Just shout if you don't know where something is."

Sometimes people need to be told what to do because they don't know how to act in these circumstances. Bit like toddlers and boundaries. They need to know where they are. Could you bring yourself to think of your MIL as a toddler??

NOELallie · 27/12/2006 13:56

Please just say...' Dh and I need some time to ourselves. Would you take the kids for a day or 2'. I think that should just about do it.

LoveMyGirls · 27/12/2006 14:06

i agree you need to ask them to help, how can they possible sit there while you run around after them, you dont have time for that right now, i really have no sense of what you are going through so please feel free to ignore me but i'd feel like every second counted and while i was stood there making someone else a sandwich i would be thinking they could do this and i could be spending time with my dh, time is so precious just go and sit with him and if anyone asks for anything tell them to do it themselves because you are busy.

suedonim · 27/12/2006 14:07

Sorry, thread had moved on while I was composing. Is it possible the IL's think that doing all this stuff is helping you cope? Sometimes the image we project is far from how we feel inside. I imagine MIL must be pretty devastated at what is happening, as well, maybe she can't see beyond her grief, either. How much longer do you have visitors for?

Original poster
Blandmum · 27/12/2006 14:08

no, they just don't think.

OP posts:
andaSOAPBOXinapeartree · 27/12/2006 14:10

Quite staggering isn;t it

motherinfurrierfestivefrock · 27/12/2006 14:18

Oh MB, I was so hoping your visitors might have a bit of SENSE, ffs, and actually ask what you needed and wanted.

Sweetie, can you tell them (a) what you want them to do (b) to sod off home?

vitomum · 27/12/2006 14:39

oh bugger, that's the last bloody thing you need. I very much agree with Freckle. I always take that approach with visitors and lay out the ground rules at the start, which might be something like i will make the dinner but just help yourself to breakfast, lunch snacks etc (sub test i am not waiting hand and foot on you).

Although that is all probably a bit late now and of course you are absolutely correct that you should be able to exepct from people at the moement without spelling it out. The little things like a 10 min sit down and a cup of tea made for you make a difference don't they.

WideWebWitch · 27/12/2006 14:44

Oh no MB, sympathy, I agree you should ask but I also understand that you feel you shouldn't have to. I agree, you shouldn't have to and SIL is spectacularly tactless. xxxx

JollyOldSaintNikkielas · 27/12/2006 19:29

(((MB)))
Jimjams is right you just need to say/shout that you need help.Rant and rave at them, they all know whats going on they should realise and you will probably make them feel so guilty that they will go overboard helping (hopefully)

hoxtonchick · 27/12/2006 19:57

have they all gone now mb? are there any local mumsnetters who could have the kids for you?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 27/12/2006 20:32

People dont think . When my DH was first dioagnosed(sp) NHL some dozy bint said my dad had that ,he died within 2 months .Some people .Some people dont know how to help as they dont want to interfeer. ( another sp ) Sorry youve had such a hard time . I know it is hard for your darling DH but people have no idea how hard it is for their partner as well .

batters · 27/12/2006 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DimpledThighs · 27/12/2006 20:53

I hope you are feeling better - have thought about you all afternoon.

I am sad that the people around you don't understand and I am sad about your whole situation.

I hope that things are better since your OP.