Motivation has gone - burnt out midwife

[mears]

As you know I am a pretty enthusiastic midwife and have a real passion for my job. I am undertaking a Masters degree in Midwifery because I would like to be a consultant midwife some day. I am pretty active on various groups in the Trust to try and to make the maternity service better in our area. However, I have a home to run with 4 children - 3 of them teenagers and work full-time as of November last year. I have an assignment due in next week which I haven't even started.
I just feel I have run out of steam and think that I should just go to work, do what I have to do and go home. My colleagues think I am mad because I am so involved with strategy at work. Now I am thinking they are right. Problem is I don't know if I could just do that. I know that I can't keep this up much longer though. Is it my age? 43years old - am I just getting too old for it all? I am so tired all the time. Why am I on mumsnet when I should be doing other things?

Mears - I feel very sad after reading your message just now. My children are older so I do not spend a lot of time on the birth and feeding threads, but I do lurk on them for long enough to know what a Godsend you are to all those mums who need help and support.

Your advice is always of the highest order, delivered in a calm and professional manner. I get very depressed sometimes reading of the experiences of some of the mums that post on this site. Many of them have had less than professional treatment - they deserved better than they got. You have frequently come along at just the right time and I think it is not over-egging it to say, have probably had a dramatic effect in putting their experiences in context and enabling them to move on to have a fullfilling relationship with their babies.

If your Masters degree will enable you to reach out to more women then I really hope you stick with it. There are not enough people like you around who are willing to be an advocate for those that do not have their own voice.

43 years old is nothing - although as you have three teenagers I can understand how you feel!

Mears you have given so much of yourself to people here - is there anything at all we can do for you to make this better???

God knows Mears, I am no expert but I do know how you feel - been there, got the tshirt (couldn't be arsed to iron it)
Could you take a career break? 6m or a year to recharge your batteries, be a SAHM and have a think what you want to do?

mears, not chatted to you before relatively new to mumsnet, wondering how pressures of trying to better maternity services in your area affects things? I was keen to do my midwifery training after the birth of my first child having had lovely birth and great care from my community team, but after my second delivery 18 mths ago I am totally disillusioned as things in my area have changed so much, level of care not the same, (in fact almost negligent, due to lack of resources) and even midwives admitted to being unhappy with changes. It must be so draining to try to fight for what you believe women deserve - do you feel crushed by it - or maybe things are not so dire where you are. Spoke to an ex midwife not long ago who was a radical and felt so crushed she had to get out - again probably different area to you but it was so sad. Sounds like you have loads on your plate - not suprised you are running out of steam. respect the job you do so much - agree with soapbox about the masters, sounds like you have lots to offer wpomen and other midwives

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Mears. You have such wonderful commitment to your work and what with mums getting pulled in so many directions, esp with teenagers (anyone sitting Highers in your house?!?) that it's hardly surprising it's getting on top of you. Is there anyone you can speak to at work or elsewhere, to try and get it all laid out in front of you and then work out your priorities? I think it's essential you tackle it now and not wait until the dam bursts and you make yourself ill. Take care.

Mears,

I offer my support to you. You do so much for others. You are at a crossroads in life. Something has to give, something has to change. You will find the way even if it is unclear at the moment. In life some people can get by with the home and work routine but others are different and stand out because of their passion, their creativity in life.

You are helping so many people but you need to help yourself as well. I hope that you are not getting lumbered with work that other trust managers could do - putting upon your drive to sort thing out, your interest to better things for your mums. Your Masters is for you so give this as much priority as poss - it's your ticket to the next stage of your career.

I hope that you will be able to resolve your difficulties.

Best Wishes

Hi Mears. I think the career break sounds like a great idea (only you know if it's do-able though), as does sitting down and working out your priorities. It sounds as if you have such a lot on - many of us wouldn't even be able to cope with any one of your responsibilities, let alone all of them. What in particular is getting to you? Is it being involved with strategy and nothing changing? (I don't know if this is true, just wondered if it might be the case)Is it lack of time? Would you be happy with 'just' going to work, doing what you do and going home? I thionk maybe you have to get to the root of the problem and then work out from there what you could change and what changes would make you happier. As for posting on mumsnet when you should be doing other things, well, we all do that

The passion and enthusiasm you have for your job is what you have to protect at all costs... It's what has made you a good midwife so far and will make you a good consultant in the future. I think if career streamlining might enable you to relax and enjoy your position then it's a good option. (You don't sound entirely convinced of this yourself tho'...) Do you blame one particular area for the burnout? The work 'on the ground'? the strategy work? the Masters? or the home commitments? Entirely fair to feel that all 4 together is a lot. You need to preserve your sanity in order to carry on, and don't try and spread yourself too thinly. Half a mears is not a happy option. (and 43 is not too old for anything!)

mears,
All mums have too many balls to juggle, and we come on mumsnet when we start to drop them. You are always there with the best advice, when a desperate cry for help comes from here you unfailingly reply. We love and respect you.

I hope we can help you as much as you have helped others.

You must give yourself some time to recharge, time to take stock, work out what is most important to you and what you really want to do.

It is hard when you want to do it all, but just physically can't.

My thoughts are with you.

Mears, I just wanted to add my support too.
I was genuinely shocked and surprised when I saw your name at the start of this thread.
You are our resident expert and give so much fantasic help and support to people on here that to recieve first hand in RL from a MW like you must be a godsend for many women.....blimey let me re-phrase that all woman deserve a widwife as passionate and dedicated as you. I'm sure there are many like you but MN has shown me that many are at the very other end of the good MW spectrum.

We are lucky to have you here and your health authority are indeed lucky too. If a career break is possible then they will benefit as much as you so it's in their best interest and hopefully they will see and realise this to let it a happen.

Good luck Mears and thanks for all the fantasic help and advise you give us.

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mears, agree you've got to sit down and think what's really important to you, and what can wait. If you drop some things, it doesn't mean you can't pick them up later so I'd consider making temporary changes. Have a short term survival plan and long term aims. Regularly review both so you always know where you are going. Ha - easy to say!

If you have 3 teenagers at home, are you up to your eyeball in hormones and exams? in a couple of years, won't some of that have passed. Can you get in more domestic help? or cut your working hours temporarily even a little - an extra 5 hours a week might just keep you this side of sanity. Once you have an idea about what you want to drop for the time being, get talking to the people who can make it happen.

I really admire you having such passion for your job. If you are so involved in strategy, you must be very analytical and logical. You.ve somehow got to turn that inwards and work out your own personal strategy.

I don't read all the pregnancy and baby threads here but I can see you have been a rock in troubled times for so many people on mumsnet. I do hope you find a life plan you are happier with. It is so unfair you are solving other peoples problems here and in real life, while putting your own problems on hold.

Oh Mears I'm sorry you are feeling so down. You have given so much to people here ? not least, me ? and I'm sure in real life too.
As others have said, can you pull your teenagers up and get them to do more around the house, perhaps with a rota? If you are always ferrying them around, make them walk or get the bus occasionally ? they might moan but it won't hurt them. Even if they are going out late at night, they can get a cab home ? you don't have to be their taxi driver. And as others have said, if you can afford a cleaner, they are a godsend.
Then there's work. I think (but could be wrong here) that just doing the basics wouldn't be satisfying for you. You come across as the sort of person who has ideas and wants to put them into practice. You might get frustrated if you weren't trying to change things. Then again, maybe you do need to take a back seat for a while. But you need some space to think about it. Could you get out of the house for a weekend (even just a day) so you aren't surrounded by nagging domestic responsibilities? Or send the kids to stay with friends/relatives if you can't get away.
Does MN act as a break for you, a space to think or to relax? If so, keep coming, we are all very grateful for your support and advice. But if you need a break from us then do take it. Maybe even change your chat name so we don't know you are a midwife and you won't feel obliged to help us!
I really do hope you get through this, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Best wishes.

mears (((HUGS))) I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I read your post to dh and he said "I feel like that and I'm only 33."

He works in the NHS too and was so enthusiastic when he started 12 years ago. He's a microbiologist and was utterly dedicated - kept up to date with new scientific breakthroughs, was inspired. It has just been ground out of him - the long hours, so many people around him just treading water, the staff shortages, lack of resources - every time you come up with a good idea you are knocked back and told there is no funding available to implement it.

He's done his Masters - and I know how much it took out of him, and away from us as a family (and we only had one child then!). He wanted to do a PhD but we sat down and decided our family just couldn't take the strain.

From my personal point of view - I look at him, and he's so tired. He looks permanently exhausted, which isn't surprising as the hours he works are ridiculous (70 hour weeks sometimes). I don't know what happened to that enthusiastic bloke who said to our mortgage advisor (don't laugh!) "science is my life."

Sorry, this was for you and I'm just talking about us. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling so despondent. Can you take a break as others have suggested? Can you put your Masters on hold for a year?

I have the utmost respect for you, and would have loved to have had a midwife like you. Seeing your name at the start of a post is a cast iron guarantee of sound, compassionate, professional advice: you have so much to give, but don't do it at the expense of your enthusiasm and sanity. I hope you can find a way through this, mears - take care xx

Mears, at 43 you are still only half-way through your working life and have the benefit of heaps of experience to pass on to colleagues and parents. I think it's normal to have periods of re-evaluation where your priorities shift. Quite often that leads to entrenched apathy when workers reach middle age. I'm sure you must have seen that happen with others.That will never happen for you!
I've got 4 children too, 3 of them teenagers, and I work for the nhs, so I know what you are saying.It's not easy when you start to get behind with any area of your busy life, and any extra stress can throw the whole balance out.
Have you got a cleaner? If you can afford some home domestic help then that will take some of the home responsibility away from you. Do you have me-time for swimming or relaxing in the bath with no interruptions?
Once you have your MA will the pressure ease a bit? If so then this is only a relatively short period in your career and is worth the battle.
As for the 'why am I on Mumsnet?....' I think we could all ask ourselves the same question from time to time, so don't feel guilty about that. It's your me-time after all.

Mears if you want a chat feel free to email me. I was really sad to hear you are feeling like this but sometimes we all need a break. I am a nurse not a midwife although do sometimes teach leadership on the masters in midwifery course at manchester uni. Sometimes I really think healthcare workers need time out and space to think. I did my degreee while I worked and my masters and am now on phd I also have three kids the youngest five so I really do understand. Anyway the offer is there if you want a chat. I am also on MSN.

Mears, I'm really sorry you feel so run down. Like a lot have said, you give so much to so many people on here and don't ask for anything back. If you want to chat, you can email me about anything.

Are you generally doing what you want to be doing, not what you think you should do? You should definitely concentrate on whatever areas of your life are going to make YOU happiest.

I'm not an expert but it sounds like you need a bit of a break from everything being so hectic, so that you can think about things and decide what you want for yourself. You help so many people (including me, more than you'll ever know) but you shouldn't burn out because of it. It would be much better to take a break, then you can come back at everything stronger than before. At 43 you're definitely not past it, you might just have too much on your plate. At your age my mum was teaching, which she loved, and running the school's SEN department but it all got too demanding and she felt exhausted by it. She felt the only way to deal with it was to take early retirement and now she runs her own holistic therapy business and at 60 still has loads of energy for it. Not saying you have to change jobs, but you need to make sure you're doing something you like doing, not something that's sapping all your strength.

Hope that things get better and you feel stronger soon. Tell us if there's anything we can do.

Hi Mears - they're going to want to keep you, so why don't you try for a sabbatical (may well already be part of yr trust's IWL policy)or career break or unpaid leave?? You could Alternatively, could look at being an external freelance consultant on midwifery services to yr local SHA/DOH - Modernisation Agency etc to buy you more freedom/time, there's much demand in this area at the moment. Good luck with it.

Maybe you should take some holiday time and relax abit?

Thankyou for your kind offer glitterfairy Thankyou all for your kind words - it is actually really helpful to read them.

My main problem is organisation of workload. I leave everything to the last minute and often it works out. However, I have not been so lucky lately. I have done 5 out of 8 modules so far for my Masters. The last 2 I did together which was a mistake. I scraped a pass in one of them but at least I passed it. I was talked into doing 2 again by my tutor and I should have said no. She really believes in my capability but I am my own worst enemy. I pulled out the second one a few weeks ago. It is also a flexible learning course which I have decided is probably not the best way for me to learn - I need more structure even if it means having to trail to tutorials.

I am Chair of a group that is a bit disfunctional at the moment. I was asked to put myself forward for that group by one of the senior nurses. It is a good move as far as paving the way for a promoted post however the group does not function as it should. From that group I have a position on another more senior group. I feel that if I resign then I am showing that I am not fit for that purpose and am therefore not consultant material.
I think I am now questioning my aspiration to be a consultant - if I can't do this then I can't do that!

I still am in the place that I cannot speak openly with my linemanager because she does not value anything that I do outwith my core labour suite duties. Some of you might remember that I was at grievance point last year. It is my fault that I have not ensured that I get the time I need. I have brokered an arrangement for the time I need to attend the committees but work falls out of them as well. I need to have open dialogue with her.

My DH is absolutely wonderful and does the vast majority of the work round the house. I am not houseproud so housework doesn't get me down - I just don't do it However, Robinw, you are right about needing a rota for the kids. We tries it but it fell by the wayside. I think I will have another bash at it and ask them to devise it. I get fed up being on their backs to get the dishwasher emptied or to put their clothes in the wash (washing machine broke down yesterday).

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. I could have written my annual report in the time I have typed here. I actually feel a bit more positive after typing this because I realise how pathetic I am being.

Plan - get to mums and ask her to do my washing (ds 3 is leaving for York at 7.30am tomorrow)

Get a roast in the oven

Wash my hair

Write this report - won't matter if it is crap!!!

Reconsider my assignment - if I cannot get it done the world will not end. I can speak to my tutor (only thing is last 3 assignments have had extensions and questions are being asked) and see about deferring.

Will check in later because TBH, it helps to be on mumsnet. Thanks

Mears, I haven't time to read the whole thread, but just want to say I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I was wondering what had happened as I hadn't seen you post for a while...but then I don't read the baby threads much.

Could you take a holiday, even maybe an unpaid one if you have no leave owing, a good long holiday at least two weeks and pref longer. Have a relax, have massage, take time out to walk or whatever your personal relaxer is. Then have a good think and re-evaluation of your goals and what makes you happy.

You might find a good rest is enough to recharge your batteries, or you might find your priorities have changed and that a change of occupation might be in order. Whatever happens, your happiness is so important. I firmly believe you only have one life and to spend it being unhappy is far more of a waste than to let the training you have done go without use. The past is history - you need your happiness not just for yourself but for your dh and kids too.

If you go on very long like this it might be worth consulting a life coach to help you dig inside yourself and re-establish your priorities.

Best of luck, you deserve it.

Ah, Mears, I see you haven't been on that course "how to make sure you leave a meeting without Any Actions Against Your Name" - I've worked with people who are expert at this. I'm sorry about your line manager, that must be stressful. Your action plan for today sounds good though. Some of this is stating the bleedin' obvious but you never know, something here about organising yourself might help.

Bloody, hell Mears - it's no wonder you're feeling stressed out.

Your plan sounds good (but it's still a lot, I think. And I'm not even 30 yet! ).

I have no practical advice at all, but just wanted to say don't be too hard on yourself. Just because the committee is bad doesn't mean you aren't "up to" a more responsible role, you know - a committee is the responsibility of all memebers, not just the chair.

A holiday sounds like a wonderful idea too. Hope you find time to relax a bit soon.

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Mears, I've just had some psychometric tests done by an occ. psychologist as part of my redundancy package. Thought it would be all codswallop (sorry Coddy!) but actually really helpful. The relevant bit is that some people have an innate preference for leaving all the work to the last minute - they need that pressure of a deadline to get their brain working at top speed. This isn't a bad thing, just the way people (like you and me, I think) are. And has advantages. Maybe even appropriate for a hospital midwife who helps women give birth - a deadline you can't avoid!
Anyway, here's what occ. psychology has to say about dealing with being overwhelmed by your tendency to leave things to the last minute:

Try mediation. Establish goals specific enough to enable a choice between alternatives. Take specific action to further the goal. Establish priorities and prepare a short list of the most interesting possibilities. Consider what is truly important to you, not just what makes sense by logical criteria. Talk to trusted friends. Reflect, even take time to wallow in your negative state before you can think your way through it and get back into gear again.
HTH.

Oh, it also says talking to trusted friends is good for people with this characteristic, as long as they don't offer advice