Motivation has gone - burnt out midwife

[mears]

As you know I am a pretty enthusiastic midwife and have a real passion for my job. I am undertaking a Masters degree in Midwifery because I would like to be a consultant midwife some day. I am pretty active on various groups in the Trust to try and to make the maternity service better in our area. However, I have a home to run with 4 children - 3 of them teenagers and work full-time as of November last year. I have an assignment due in next week which I haven't even started.
I just feel I have run out of steam and think that I should just go to work, do what I have to do and go home. My colleagues think I am mad because I am so involved with strategy at work. Now I am thinking they are right. Problem is I don't know if I could just do that. I know that I can't keep this up much longer though. Is it my age? 43years old - am I just getting too old for it all? I am so tired all the time. Why am I on mumsnet when I should be doing other things?

Mears I am mrs last minute too and sometimes it all becomes far too stressful. I am writing adn planning a course on becoming a nurse/midwife/therapy consultant at the moment and most clinical staff feel like this about getting to this stage it is natural. Really feel for you and empathise. I am dreadful and keep taking on more things because I realise I like projects and I make my life this complicated. Then I think we are caring people or we wouldnt do the jobs we are in and take things on because no one else will adn put up with stuff because what we care about are people, in particular patients/clients. The problem is when we get to snapping point. We all need time out and space to breathe and most of all some self care! Glad mn is helping it has been great fo me too. Maybe speak soon.

Thanks again for all this helpful input.

I am sitting here recovering from crying my eyes out at my mothers How stupid.

My dad's birthday is this months and we have agreed to go out for a family meal at a really nice restaurant that he likes. Anyway, I hoped it would be adults only but one of my sisters is taking her 4 children (Ages 11-17). I didn't want to take mine because a) the restaurant is expensive and taking 4 children will mean a huge bill
b) you cannot have an adult conversation with the kids about as they tend to take over.
One of my other sisters has 3 children and thinks the same as me. Anyway, mum spoke to sister who is taking children and she says her kids were really disappointed at the suggestion that they shouldn't go. so mum has booked the table for them too.
I just burst into tears and feel really stupid now because it is his day and up to them. I feel I cannot exclude my kids now.

AArrrggghhhhh

Oh mears, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you really needed an adults night out, too. And I know that it's so different with kids, even the most well behaved dictate how the conversation flows.

Meant to post earlier, but agree with tigermoth. Don't think of "dropping" things, just put them down to be picked up later, if you want. Focus on what's important to you. I'm not sure if my experience with things helps, but when faced with big decisions I think through all the alternatives and go with the one which gives me the most peace. (Sounds all psycho, but it works for me)

And get your thyroid checked. (Can't helped posting that -- sorry!)

Thinking of you.
JJ

Oh dear but family gatherings can be stressful at the best of times when things are on top of you already it is worse. Personally feel that its a strange time of year. Everyone I know is feeling wierd and upset at the moment and have had some really down days this month myself. Also the NHS is a hard place to be and difficult at the moment.

Mears I'm so sorry you feel like this. I really do hope it's just a temporary blip.
I'm following eddm's rule to not offer advice to you, but just wanted you to know that you really are a wonderful person - you have helped so many people so much just through Mumsnet, it must be even better to actually have you as a real life midwife.

Mears, I'm so sorry it's all getting on top of you, there is so much of it that it's not surprising...I can relate to the hell of having a crap line manager, and also to how difficult it is to hold down a job, have a family and try to study...i think you are on the right lines when you say 'i'll do the report and it doesn't matter if it is crap' if you're anything like me, part of the reason doing assignments is so hard is the thought of not doing them as well as you possibly can, but mostly, just doing something is good enough...hang in there, things will change, either at your instigation, or cause they always do

Well I am feeling a bit better now - nothing like a good greet!

Have spoken to my sister who also doesn't want kids there and she is in agreement. Rather than have a big family fall-out, big sis can take her kids as long as they sit at the bottom of the table and don't monopolise the conversation. I have explained the situation to my kids and they do not feel rejected. DH and I will take them another time after our holiday which is in June. We are going to Florida and that is exactly what I need (is the reason I can't take unpaid leave!!!)

However, I am feeling more positive and will take on board all the really good suggestions from here. Thank you all so much for taking the time to bolster me up.

ps haven't written any reports today and I don't bl**dy care

Mears - so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. I have the same work organisation pattern as you i.e leave everyting to the last minute. Saw a careers counsellor and she said that this is just my working style - it's as if I almost need to be feeling sick with the worry of not completing something, and tha this is what eventually galvanises me into actually doing it. She said that I should just accept that this is the way that I work, and to try and do other things in the time that I would usually sit with the work all around me in a state of anxiety not getting anywhere, then wait for that point to arrive where you will just sit down and get the work done. I try to do this, but still find it difficult - it's as if the anxiety is part of the motivating factor. It's also much more difficult to take this approach now that I have DS as I have to try and get work done in a more organised manner, as he might be sick/up all night the night that I would be doing it at the last minute and then I really would be stuck!

Hmmm... didn't explain that very clearly, but rather than having your assignment hanging over you every day, could you just decide today which day you are going to do it on and set yourself that deadline.

You mentioned that you went back to full time in November last year - do you think that full time might be a bit much just now - any chance that you could drop back to 4 days per week?

That's such a shame about the meal out with your Dad. Could you have a word with your sister - how about keeping that as an adults only 'do', but having a separate family get together with all the children invited - something low-key like just all getting together to share his birthday cake. Although by the size of all of your families it would need a rather large venue to host you all!

Hope things start to look brighter soon,

xxx

Mears - I was so slow at writing my post that it crossed with yours!

Glad to hear that you are feeling better!

Hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs
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pull yourself together

Seriously, the holiday will do you a world of good. Can I also suggest a weekend away at a health farm/spa. Sounds cheesy and it is a bit expensive but time just for you - on your own - can be incredibly reviving.
I'm very much a last-minute person and like you have chosen a job with built-in deadlines - journalism. I just think your personality is one of the reason your job suits you so much and why you are so good at it. It's a positive for midwifery, not a negative. A time planner person once advised me that is it is important thought to distinguish between what is 'important' and what is 'urgent'. A big mistake people like us make is to always concentrate on the 'urgent' and so never get round to the 'important', wheras we should focus on the 'important'. So what's important to you? The consultancy? or the committee?
Also possibly try to arrange mini-deadlines with your longer term work (ie the masters). I can't work without deadlines so ask people to set me them even if they are a bit spurious.
I think you come up with the best solutions to your own problems if you sit down and brainstorm them as wildly and as freely as you can without any preconceptions as to what you 'should' or 'ought' to be doing.
And 43 isn't too old for anything! You are actually rather lucky to have teenagers at 43. I will have a teenage son when I am in my fifties. Now I bet that sounds tiring!
Good luck!

mears, sorry, haven't had to time read through the whole thread. Just wanted to say how much I always look forward to reading your advice. It's always so well thought out and strightforward and sensible.

Hope you feel better soon.

Mears, only just spotted this thread. Don't feel qualified to offer advice but do feel qualified to send appreciative thoughts and lots of love and support your way. You're one of the people that makes Mumsnet a real online community and so many of us hope you are soon feeling more on top of things.

Dear Mears,
At work so no time to read all of this, but like everyone else I was very surprised to see your name on this thread. You are/have been a godsend to so many of us on Mumsnet, I only hope that some of the help/advice here has helped you.

Having started an OU degree before DS I know the difficulties of juggling a full time job, committee work, social/family life and trying to study.

I had to find 15 hours a week, when I didn't even know I had one. I'm sure someone has already said it, but you need to sit down and make a schedule, making sure you leave time for you. The things you cannot fit in now, you reschedule for another time. This doesn't mean you can't do them, but you are only human and there are only so many hours in the day. Make sure you do put a date for the things you have to postpone, that way they are there to be done, and you can stop thinking about them and just concentrate on the work at hand.

If you try and fit in 25 hours a day with no 'me' time you will go mad!

Make sure you do leave time for yourself to relax, go out with DH, or chat on MN. All work and no play makes mears a very stressed girl indeed.

BR
PS 43! Too old... come on now, you're just getting started!

hi mears, sorry to hear you are feeling down as well as the things you have mentioned you do appear to have a substantial commitment to helping people on mumsnet - which although it is very much appreciated is perhaps something you should be cutting out atm? controversial point, i'm sure.

don't think 43 is too old, but if you are constantly feeling tired i would explore physical causes and solutions, e.g. take an iron tonic, increase gentle exercise, early nights, more water.

sounds to me as though you would like to stop doing your standard work and keep on the strategy... is there a way to accomplish that? or merely to take a sabbatical/career break to recharge your batteries and/or complete your course in peace.

have you ever thought of practising independently? perhaps that would allow you more freedom to jettison the not-so-good aspects of the job and concentrate more on "big picture" issues.

hth and hope you feel much better soon

Mears,

I'm so sorry to hear you are down. I've always considered you one of more respected opinions here on MN. You have words of consideration, common sense and encouragement to offer in various situations and at times when posters are often at their least rational and confident -sleep-deprived, anxious and vulnerable. I really hope that you manage to sort out your priorities and give yourself time to recoup your energies.

Take care

Message withdrawn

Mears I've only just seen this thread and haven't got time to read it all now, but can I add my voice to all the others who say that we think you are great. And that all of us with one or more children, jobs which stress us or other time-consuming interests around the home have felt like you do sometimes. Or at least I have! I had a mini-freak out before I went on maternity leave because I had so much going on and felt that I wasn't doing any of my jobs of wife, mother and employee even halfway well. I think at those crisis points you have to sit down and decide what is going to give, because otherwise it will be you. You enjoy your strategy work.... well maybe it is time to cut it right back, because you can always go back to it later. Or maybe it is the change to fulltime work that isn't working for you at the moment - maybe going back to part time (if that is an option) will release sufficient pressure. I do really feel for you though... I didn't sort my problems out, just deferred them by going on maternity leave early - I think it is much better to do what you are doing and say "STOP! SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE OR I WILL GO MAD!". Which is what it boils down to.

Sorry for the ramble, and best of luck in sorting it out. I think a week away to think about it away from the pressures of work and home may help.
PPH x
PS bollox to the age thing btw!

Mears I haven't had time to read all of this thread but just wanted to add my support. Your words and thoughts are always so wise on childbirth and feeding and much more and I'm sure as others have said you have really helped many many people on MN as well as in a more direct way up there in Scotland. I always find you so sensible and inspiring and really wish you had been my midwife. Hope this works out for you and just to let you know you have our support. Please do not be disheartened, you are doing such good work.

Just wanted to add my ((hugs)) mears. Having used your cool calm advice on many occasions (including during labour!!) I just have to say that you sound like all a good midwife should be, and also excellent consultant material.
Juat do your best, its all you can do. I'm struggling even to complete a module of my bfc training, so appreciate just a little the pressure you are under (I also dropped out of doing a Masters in Education by distance learning when working full time before kids as it was too much, so you are a real star even to attempt something like this with 4 kids.

I know there's nothing I can do, but I'll be thinking of you!

Once again thank you all very much. I feel a whole lot better today (think there is PMT about ).

I am taking on board that I need to organise myself and decide what is important. The priority is to get my report done for tomorrow and then start my assignment. I am going to have a quick look at some threads and then I am not going to post again until my assignment is in which hopefully should be Friday.

I can deal with all the other things later. I am on holiday from work this week so that will give me breathing space.

By the way DH read this thread and even he felt sorry for me. He was also delighted that I praised his efforts.

Will see you all at the weekend

I have read your post but am not very good at giving advice, just wanted to say I think you are fantastic on this site, your advice is priceless (I am even going to buy a birthing ball due to you, cue much laughter from dh).

Good luck in whatever you decide, but DON'T LEAVE US!

sending you all my move and best wishes. when you finish the assignment things will look different and you will be one step closer to your dream
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