Help me overcome my inherent inferiority and be poised and insouciant at former works do tomorrow evening

[motherinferior]

Backstory: I worked part-time at a small think-tank a while back, part of my strategy for going freelance. Was not brilliant at the job partly because it was the sort of place where my role wasn't rvery easy; also because my heart was really in building up my freelance work (which I did); and also because my personal life was in a pretty horrific state at the time, as a result of which I had a spell of clinical depression. Eventually my job was closed down and I went totally freelance.

During my time there I wasn't, shall we say, the candidate for Ms Congeniality - I'm quite hard to work with even when not in a bit of a state.

In addition Mr Inferior who also worked there - before me, but that's how I met him - is frightfully congenial and will be met and greeted with cries of delight on all sides, thus increasing my grumpiness.

We'll be taking the Inferiorettes. I bet you a fiver people will say 'oh, are you getting a bit of work done now?' (always a sure-fire way of getting me ranting) and/or 'oh, how motherhood suits you' (ie you are really quite human and non-horrible now, what an amazingly transformation).

AND FINALLY...there may well be the Vacillating Buddhist there, the colleague with whom I had an affair before he dumbped me by long-distance phone call on Christmas Eve to return to his soulmate the Frigid Jungian Shrink.

I am not madly hog-whimpering wild at this prospect, as you can see.

Nope, at the workplace.

Ooo yes to the car crash magnetism, I just couldn't resist. Hair, low cut frock, heels, lipstick and a good 'back story' even if it's largely made up.
Will there be other children there of inferiorette's age? That will free you up somewhat...

can you get there v early (as it starts) in the hope that Vacillating Buddhists have no sense of time and are more likely to be fashionably late (and therefore you may completely miss him)?

I would put good money on the fact he'll want to avoid me, to the point where he might well not turn up at all

(and I agree with dinosaur re the showing off bit)

VB has probably had endless hopeless relationships and will turn up looking morbid and v jealous of your (obvious) happiness and even if he turns up looking deliriously happy, convince yourself it is all an act!

Well I think you're very congenial

personally I'd practice some double-edged phrases that can be used no matter the level of sobriety / drunkeness

"oh yes I'm such a cultural chamelon, I really change based on the people I'm with" insincere smile

"oh I am so happy now" note the stress

"its such a shame that I'm having to turn work away to maintain a work / life balance"

and the killer

"oh I'm so happy now" "but tell me, how are you doing"

have changed my tune. do go, make the vacillating buddhist see what he's missed out on. and hope the dds don't puke on his girlfriend's shoes.

or maybe hope they do, even.

what are you going to wear?

is there any possibility of having an hour or two to yourself beforehand - ie you soak in the bath, get ready at your leisure without whippersnappers snapping, or dp asking you where his blue shirt is; you travel alone to a nearby rendezvouz point to meet Mr I and the inferiorettes. this increases your chances of being poised - on arrival at least - by, ime, roughly a zillion. If Mr I won't play this game second best would be to invent a meeting in town that you have to go to - this means you can't do the bath - but maybe you could do the hairdressers instead. And you could casually slip into arrival conversation how you had meetings all day in London, whilst Mr I had the kids, thus establishing in one fell swoop how well free-lancing is going and that comments about mothering (as opposed to parenting) will not well-taken.

Good underwear. Stiff drink beforehand. Promise your dp a blowjob when you get home so that he does the "God he adores her" thing. Twigletts one liners are brilliant but you do need one for the VB, to say with one eyebrow raised as you watch him trying hard not to glance more than once at your magnificent bosom and besotted dp. I'd give the inferiortinies a slug of medised before you set out and bribe them with promises of chocolate and barbie riches if they behave impeccably.

Your knickers HAVE to match your bra. Then you are invincible.

If there is any chance at all of DD2 doing a wee, put her in crafty pull ups. Nothing drops the facade of perfect, controlled, on top of the work-life balance motherhood quicker than torrents of wee in someone else's work place.

Don't make any reference at all to the fact that most of your friends these days in fact live on the computer and you've never met most of them.

re the vacillating buddhist, you need to treat him exactly the same as anyone else in the room. no cutting or clever remarks. no extra effort. no ignoring or (heaven forbid) flirting. He is some person. imo that's how to be dignified and how to really let him know that you dont give a fuck. rise above it all and be normal. (and if you find it difficult just imagine him on the bog with his boxers round his ankles. works a treat for realising how ordinary and insignificant he is)

Hatwoman - I do that when someone is erm, intimidating. Works every time.

I agree, Get Norks Out.

Also, wear your most simple, grown up outfit and wear with it some really fabulous accessories, sparkle can never go amiss;

and just concentrate really hard on being with and enjoying and appreciating mr I and all the little I's....being a happy, smiling, close family unit all enjoying 'in' jokes with eachother really gets other people jealous as the thing most people do at parties is ignore own partner/family and socialise....treat 'em as if you hardly notice them and they will definitely notice you and how wonderful your life is

dh suggested it for me when I had a particularly difficult colleague. it's like a self-imposed distraction technique - it's just cuts your negative flow of thinking - it's great.

You're all extremely ingenious - mind you, at the rate of collapse in the Inferiority Complex (DP and DD1 both currently struck down with lurgy, quite revoltingly) I won't be able to go at all.

I agree with lots of the advice here (which is hard, considering how much is contradictory) but I think you will be able to carry it off with aplomb. The other factor is that the inferiorettes are stunning by anyone's standards, and that does help, even if it shouldn't

hold on hold on

you are going to a former works do - people who you want to impress

with your kids

hope you're better soon sweetie. but for god's sake don't gooooooo, it sounds vile!

lol Enid

I'm sure the Inferiorettes are those kind of delightful pretty children however who behave beautifully and don't spill pop down their frocks

take some valium and smile charmingly at everyone

whatever you do, if they don't have kids themselves, I promise they will just feel a bit sorry for you

can't you go alone and leave dp with the dds?

I'd say so definitely if they've got the lurgy

nothing says 'I'm wretched' more than your kids throwing up on the floor

ha ha ha at this thread. My first reaction

Why would you go? Urgh, it'll be like The Office won't it, all warm white wine in plastic cups. Or will it be glam event in cool venue with chilled Champagne and everything?

Because if it's the former why would you go and if the later why would you take the children?

Can you book a babysitter and arrange to go somewhere WONDERFUL afterwards so that you are 'just popping in before dinner at ???

God, mind you, don't listen to me, I hardly go anywhere these days unless it's just me and dh, am a bit scared of Other People.