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Original poster

Is it ever acceptable to meet a man for coffeeand not tell your dh?

74 replies

youdoknowme · 22/11/2006 17:02

I am happily married and friends with a guy who I am working on a project with but he works from another office in another city.

We have met before at work meetings and we email each other about work, he is funny and makes me laugh.

I do not fancy him, but I know he fancies me. We are both married with children.

He is in my area next week and wants to meet for a coffee at lunch time to discuss our project, which is totally fine by me. Though if I'm honest it could be done by phone/email.

However dh is prone to be a tad jealous and insecure and he would not like this at all if I tell him in advance. So as there is nothing in it I feel like sparing myself the grief and not telling dh. But something is niggling at me that this is wrong.

What do you think?

OP posts:
iota · 22/11/2006 17:05

I would tell my dh, but then he's not the jealous insecure type

scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 17:08

It's a work meeting - do you tell him about all your work meetings in detail ? If so tell him - if not don't !

The niggling feeling is coz you know he fancies you btw ! That's why the dynamics of this meeting are different. if you're not comfortable meeting up say so - and do it by phone instead.

hana · 22/11/2006 17:11

nope
if you've got a niggling feeling I'd trust that and tell your dh or make excuses and do it by phone
not worth it

Bibiboo · 22/11/2006 17:11

I agree with scatterbrain - if you'd normally telly our dh if you were meeting a female colleague for coffee rather, if not, then don't.

Regardless of whether he fancies you or not, you're colleagues who have children, not out on a date.

If you think he thinks it's more than work, gently hint that you're glad colleagues can meet for professional means in an informal setting without it being misconstrued as something else.

Flamesparrow · 22/11/2006 17:19

I go with the rule of if you were meeting anyone else, then would you normally tell.

If yes, you still tell, if not, then don't bother.

ludalightsandlanterns · 22/11/2006 17:21

Well....I think I'd tell him..I would want my dh to tell me if it were the other way round...
Could you not just phone this other bloke and have the discussion over the phone??? Might be easier...you don't want to encourage this man if he fancies you.
I had no option to work with a chap once who fancied me...he was really nice and we worked well together.....
It all got a bit tricky, we had to go to certain venues together for work..and I felt very awkward when it was just me and him...he eventually actually got too obsessed with arranging meetings where we would both have to be there together...
You really don't want it to spiral...trust me!!!!

Tell your dh...or just do what you need to do over the phone..if he fancies you he will take your coffee meeting completely the wrong way I suspect. (IME anyway)

zippitippitoes · 22/11/2006 17:24

do it by email or phone i reckon

scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 17:26

I'm not getting this thing about telling your dh really ! I don't want to know who my dh has met up with for work purposes and I'm sure he doesn't want to know who I've met with !!

It's work - not pleasure fgs !

However - you sound like you feel guilty about being friends with this man - are you flattered by his attention - is that why you feel you should tell dh ?

Sorry - I am just not getting this ? If you don't fancy him what's the issue ?

nailpolish · 22/11/2006 17:29

i am wodnering why you have changed your name...?

iota · 22/11/2006 17:29

I think the point is that they don't have to meet entirely for work purposes - op said work could be covered by email or phine

Original poster
youdoknowme · 22/11/2006 17:29

My work meetings never take me out of the office. This will. If I go and someone sees me and mentions it to dh in a 'I say xxxxxx in the coffee shop with some man the other day' dh will think the worst and I will face the 3rd degree.

And yes I am flatterred by his attention. He thinks I'm hot, he laughs out loud at my emails and he is funny as hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
youdoknowme · 22/11/2006 17:31

Changed my name to protect my identity that's all. I guess I don't feel comfortable with all of this, as I know he fancies me, am wondering if he will read more into it IYKWIM.

OP posts:
scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 17:32

So what are you going to do ?

scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 17:32

FWIW I think you should cancel meeting and do it by phone or email.

Tommy · 22/11/2006 17:33

I agree with the others - if you would normally tell him that you met someone for coffee then, yes, tell your DH. If you don't and he wouldn't be interetsed then don't.

You know the answer!!!

nailpolish · 22/11/2006 17:38

if you are uncomfortable stop now

are you flattered and like the idea of someone flattering you?

nailpolish · 22/11/2006 17:39

its a fantastic feeling when someone fancies you and laughs at you and you get that buzz

but its not fair on your dh

Original poster
youdoknowme · 22/11/2006 17:41

You are right it is a buzz. I would never do anything, but if I can keep him at arms length just fancying me and flattering me is there any harm in that?

Or is meeting for coffee when we don't really need to a step too far?......

OP posts:
Booboobedoo · 22/11/2006 17:48

The only harm I can see is that you're turning your DH's paranoia into a reality, using the paranoia as a justification.

My DH has lunch with female colleagues all the time. Doesn't bother me.

If I found out that one of them fancied him and he knew this and had gone out with them to give his ego a boost, I would have a problem.

I don't mind him flirting a bit if I'm there, or with women he knew before he met me. (God knows I do it with male friends).

I can only give a personal viewpoint, obviously. It's impossible to judge without knowing all the cirsumstances.

nailpolish · 22/11/2006 17:51

but then you swap mobile nos

and you worry he will send a saucy text

and that dh will read it

so you keep your phone on silent

and he does send a saucy text

and you sned one back...

then you meet up again

and the emails get secretive

etc

been there done that, regret it

do you fancy him AT ALL?

having someone fancy you who you dont think is in any way attractive DOESNT give you a buzz IME

iota · 22/11/2006 17:57

hmmmm I think this bit is setting off alarm bells in my head "And yes I am flatterred by his attention. He thinks I'm hot, he laughs out loud at my emails and he is funny as hell."

I used to have a job which involved taking customers out for lunch, and spending quite a lot of time with mainly male collegues in meetings, lunches, overnight stays in hotels and so on

and we used to have a good laugh but certainly did not discuss whether or not I was hot... maybe because I'm a minger LOL.

What I'm trying to say is coffee/lunch and a friendly chat is fine, but this sounds like it's getting into dangerous territory

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa · 22/11/2006 18:03

lol its not acceptable but people do things like that lol if theres nothing to hide why can't you tell dh? anyway is up to you

oooh secret double life very mysterious

Mellowma · 22/11/2006 18:04

Message withdrawn

FireFaerie · 22/11/2006 18:06

This is what i would do..
Tell your DH, and hope he doesnt get stroppy. Dont let him make you feel guilty and not go, only as then you will be setting a pattern for the future for innocent meetings with mutual male friends. (my DP used to try and stop me from seeing male friends i had known for years, as he 'didnt trust them') THEN meet up with this guy. The very second it becomes unprofesional, tell him so. make it clear that this is a colleague/friend thing, and NOTHING will ever come of it.
This is only what i would do. I hope it may help.

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa · 22/11/2006 18:06

if you don't fancy him back why would you risk upsetting your dh for someone who is just a work person?

the uncomfortable feeling you describe is guilt lol