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Original poster

Is it ever acceptable to meet a man for coffeeand not tell your dh?

74 replies

youdoknowme · 22/11/2006 17:02

I am happily married and friends with a guy who I am working on a project with but he works from another office in another city.

We have met before at work meetings and we email each other about work, he is funny and makes me laugh.

I do not fancy him, but I know he fancies me. We are both married with children.

He is in my area next week and wants to meet for a coffee at lunch time to discuss our project, which is totally fine by me. Though if I'm honest it could be done by phone/email.

However dh is prone to be a tad jealous and insecure and he would not like this at all if I tell him in advance. So as there is nothing in it I feel like sparing myself the grief and not telling dh. But something is niggling at me that this is wrong.

What do you think?

OP posts:
nailpolish · 22/11/2006 18:07

jenny, why "lol" ?

why is it funny?

WideWebWitch · 22/11/2006 18:19

In answer to the question "is it ever acceptable to meet a man for coffee and not tell your dh" my answer would be not under these circumstances it isn't. It wouldn't cross my mind to do this.

Although of course a coffee with a friend or colleague is totally fine - I would tell my dh if it cropped up and he wouldn't mind in the slightest (whyever would he?) or I would tell him in passing maybe.

But if you know it could be done by email and you know your dh wouldn't like it then you're on dangerous ground potentially imo. Don't do it. But I think you know this and you know what we'll all say and you WANT to be told not to do it!

wannaBe1974 · 22/11/2006 18:20

it's not the meeting of this man that is the issue, it's the not telling your dh. Having coffee with a male work colleague is fine IMO, I had lunch with male colleagues/male friends when I still worked, but my dh knew about it. There wasn't ever a reason for him not to know. And no they weren't always work related lunches, they were just lunch for lunch's sake iykwim. But if you feel guilty about telling your dh, then that implies that you have something to feel guilty about. If this man fancied you and there was absolutely no attraction on your side, then you wouldn't even be thinking about it, so my guess is that there is some attraction from you as well, but you don't want to admit it to yourself.

nailpolish · 22/11/2006 18:21

if you DIDNT fancy him you wouldnt want to meet him

you would rather do it by phone/e mail

end of

IME

nailpolish · 22/11/2006 18:23

if you DIDNT fancy him yuou would be fine telling dh

you wouldnt be here asking if it was ok

you wouldnt have that buzz

just be careful

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa · 22/11/2006 19:07

weel I thought the lol might make it sound less Like uncomfortable feeling is guilt! i di dnot want ti to sound har d as ultimately she has done nothing wrong iyswim

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa · 22/11/2006 19:08

it is not funny but some of things I said might sound hard and thats not the way I mean it, I meant to comment in a lighthearted way, after she has not done anything wrong at all yet

galaxy · 22/11/2006 19:12

I go out for lunch, drinks, coffee with male colleagues and clients and wouldn't think to mention it specifically todh - it's just work. However, are you sure that you aren't questioning this as you have some feelings for him or maybe are hoping he fancies you? Sorry if I've got that wrong but worth thinking about.

sasa15 · 22/11/2006 19:23

go for it and take it from there.....
if is the case you can tell dh later that you had a meeting outside the office and bla bla..if that come natural....or you just will forget about all...

dabihp · 22/11/2006 19:23

havnet read replies, but i think the only way u can answe r this is hpw owuld u feel if your dh did the same thing? (obv with a woman)?

hannahsaunt · 22/11/2006 20:19

Please don't do it and not tell him, even if it's just telling him afterwards (but pref before). I do think absolute honesty is the best policy otherwise all sorts of problems can arise (speaking from bitter experience with my dad rather than dh). Suspicions being aroused with all sorts of unanswered questions lingering (and if you do it afterwards it only makes things defensive and seem worse than they were) is just horrible to live with.

scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 20:29

I think this meeting crosses the line tbh - it's not strictly work - and I think you do fancy him or at least you are enjoying the atention.

If it was strictly work I'd do it and not even think of telling dh - but if it was effectively a date for a flirt - which I think this is I would not even contenmplate going unless I wanted to start a fling !

You know the answer - make it a phone call unless you want to take this forward !

pipo · 22/11/2006 20:30

NO

laneydaye · 22/11/2006 20:31

no way jose

scatterbrain · 23/11/2006 11:00

So - are you going or not ??

themoon66 · 23/11/2006 11:13

I have met up with the odd gentleman friend for lunch/coffee on occasions. I told DH and invited him to join us. But, to be fair, there is no 'fancying' going on between any parties and DH and me have total trust in each other.

MissManners · 23/11/2006 11:19

It is acceptable to meet a man for coffee and not tell your DH if

  1. The man is Michael Aspel and you are arranging a surprise appearance on This Is Your Life
  2. The man is your DH's friend/brother/father/etc. and you are arranging a surprise party for your DH
  3. The man is recruiting you to join the Secret Service and the security of the nation depends on your not telling your DH
  4. You wouldn't mention to him that you'd seen a female friend under the same circumstances

In the situation you describe, if the on-friendly-terms-but-normally-work-in-different-places colleague were female I probably would mention it to DH just in a casual "oh, I met X for a coffee at lunchtime today" kind of way. Which would mean that in your position I'd be being dishonest if I went but didn't mention it.

In this case I think your choices are
a. FireFaerie's "tell your DH in advance, don't let him bully you into not going, and let him see afterwards that there was nothing to it" option, or
b. Don't go for a coffee.

Frankly, from what you've said I think that option b is probably better, but because of you rather than just your DH. There is 'something' between you and this colleague, maybe almost entirely one-sided but you do sound as though on some level you are attracted to him. It's safer IMO to avoid the situation.

kama · 23/11/2006 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Heathcliffscathy · 23/11/2006 11:28

you feel guilty.

why?

because you have a controlling dh?

because part of you is intoxicated with being fancied by someone?

because you fancy him a bit and are in denial about this?

a bit of all three?

I'm not sure about your dh being so jealous that hearing about you going out for a work lunch would make him freak out. That is very very controlling behaviour imo. Equally, maybe you are putting this on him when in fact you feel guilty about your own feelings about this colleague (who sounds more of a laugh than your dh from your posts tbh).

Either way, ethics aren't about rules or societal morality, they are about what feels right, and this doesn't does it? so there's your answer.

TinyGang · 23/11/2006 11:30

I would tell him. He has nothing to worry about if he knows.

Secrets look suspicious when they are revealed and they always end up coming out in the end.

Mind you dh is the total opposite of jealous - sometimes I wish he was a bit more bothered!

maltatheterrible · 23/11/2006 11:47

I did this, went out for a "friendly coffee" with a guy I knew fancied me. Was a terrible idea, he got totally the wrong idea and wouldn't leave me alone.
I got terrible panicky thoughts of him turning up at my house, or calling me at home (my husband is the jealous type too) and it made me feel sick.
In hindsight, yes I can see how he thought "wow, she wants to meet me in private, maybe I have a chance here?"
Wouldn't risk it personally

jampots · 23/11/2006 11:49

i often used to meet a male friend for a drink at lunchtime without telling my dh just like I often met other friends at lunchtime without telling him. I wouldnt lie about it though. If he was interested enough to ask what i'd done that day then i'd tell him - usually he wasnt

TheDivineLiliLaTigresse · 23/11/2006 11:50

I think the niggling feeling tells you all you need to know
there's more going on potentially than just a work meeting
just do it by phone/e-mail

ginnedupmummy · 23/11/2006 11:54

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 23/11/2006 11:56

i would tell my dh.

but then i often go out for coffee with men and dont tell dh - becuase of the job i do - its never occured to me.

i think its your guilty side love - your happily married but theres someone effectively saying that your so great he would fuck you. PREEN?

if i thought it innapropriate i would tellguy to come into office

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