Is it ever acceptable to meet a man for coffeeand not tell your dh?

[youdoknowme]

I am happily married and friends with a guy who I am working on a project with but he works from another office in another city.

We have met before at work meetings and we email each other about work, he is funny and makes me laugh.

I do not fancy him, but I know he fancies me. We are both married with children.

He is in my area next week and wants to meet for a coffee at lunch time to discuss our project, which is totally fine by me. Though if I'm honest it could be done by phone/email.

However dh is prone to be a tad jealous and insecure and he would not like this at all if I tell him in advance. So as there is nothing in it I feel like sparing myself the grief and not telling dh. But something is niggling at me that this is wrong.

What do you think?

Does your DH know this guy, or ever heard you mention him? If so, tell him. If not, then why not say that you're meeting someone for lunch.
I often go for lunch / coffee with male colleagues, and don't tell DH, but that's because it doesn't occur to me.
Because you are thinking about not telling your DH, then that to me is the same as lying, and I guess the question is do you want to lie to him
(only read the OP by the way)

I'd go for coffee and I'd tell my DH about it, because he's not possessive and jealous and controlling. In fact, I'd probably tell him that I thought this man fancied me too and he'd laugh and say "well, he can't have you" and I'd say "he can if I want him to...but I don't!"

i'd shag him and blackmail is wife.

He fancies you.
He has invited you for coffee when you both know that phone/email would suffice.

I could argue that you are leading him on. After all, he will be thinking that why else would you accept his offer if you didn't fancy him?

I have lots of male friends that I would go out with, but we all know where we stand and of course I would tell my dh. Once you start doing things behind their backs then things can get messy. What if he found out? What if someone saw you and reported back to him? How would he feel then?

Put another way, if a woman fancied your dh and she invited him for coffee, he accepted and went without telling you, how would you feel?

she would feel relieved - then she could go with this fella to costa coffee and have an almond croissant.

Hope this advice isn't too late, but IME if you find a man hilariously funny and he fancies you and you enjoy the attention, then it won't take long to end up having feelings for him. Men know they have a chance if they can build up the friendship, and that is why they are prepared to do the platonic friendship thing for a long while.

I suspect you know you can't do this without a slight risk of something threatening your state of harmony with dh, but you can't quite put your finger on why. Trust your instincts.

Where's she gone ?

What's the problem? I have a Lovely Man I go out with on a regular basis (or did till he moved abroad - now we meet up in London or Paris sporadically for lunch and drinks). We went out for drinks, dinner, back to his flat for more drinks, sometimes to the cinema. Did I fancy him? Oh yes. Did he fancy me? Yup. But we both agreed from the start that there was to be no touching and it would go no further. He has girlfriend, I have DH. We used to have nice evenings in each others' company, being very flirtatious, then I would get a taxi home. Sometimes DH joined us if he felt so inclined.

Is the problem that your DH doesn't trust you or that you don't trust yourself?

GoingQuietlyMad is spot on. A sense of humour is a definite aphrodisiac. That's what brought us together. Common sense keeps us apart.

Yes, where is she?

Gone off with her coffee mate I reckon !

at Coffee Mate!

Don't meet him or bring another work colleague along otherwise something might happen.

what do you think might happen? they're having a lunchtime coffee. do you think there might be fumbling under the table?

it is natural and human to want to be foubd attractive and to enjoy the buzz when someone fancies you or someonecatchesyour eye

you can play it out or store it as a 'nice to'

just know that every action has a reaction and ask yourself if you can/hould plough the excitement back into your current relationship

there is always a price to be paid -- is the deal worth the cost?

Where do people normally meet for inter-office meetings? If it's outside in a coffee shop why not tell your dh 'ooh I'm actually getting out of the office today for a work meeting, how exciting!'
If not, do whatever is the norm for your colleagues. You don't have to fancy him to be flattered and tempted into a sticky situation so as it's obviously prickling you, take the dull, sensible option.

Plus, life is too short for unpaid overtime. A business lunch on the company is one thing but some bloke buying you coffee is another. Bet his wife is out hunting for bargain Christmas pressies for their kids while he's buying other women drinks.

It brings to mind a quote from When Harry Met Sally "Do you think it's possible for men and women to be friends without sex getting in the way?" or something like that.

I think they can in some circumstances. I don't think there's too much harm in a little flirting, it can do wonders for the ego but you do need to make sure that it is totally harmless and that you definitely don't fancy him. Flirting does not have to lead on to anything else. I have a male friend from years ago who I know has fancied me for ages but has always understood the the feeling was not reciprocated. He's such a nice, interesting guy whose company I enjoy and we very occasionally meet up for a drink. My DH does know about it because he used to tease me that this guy fancied me and I admitted that maybe he did, but reassured him (my DH) that it was totally one-sided.
Perhaps you need to look at why you would feel so guilty, is it becauase maybe you do have feelings for him that you're not admitting, or is it just the worry of your DH finding out that you met up and getting the wrong idea? If it could in any way be a threat to the relationship with your DH then maybe it's best to cancel, but as long as it's innocent and this man understands that nothing would ever happen between you then I don't think it's a crime at all. Good luck with your decision.

I'm wondering what the reactions would have been on here to a "DH meets a work colleague for coffee and she fancies him and/or finds him funny" thread. I imagine several words beginning with t and b would have been used.

I used to have a minor crush on someone at work, who I had to travel with from time to time. As far as I know, he was entirely oblivious that I found him attractive and we didn't even get near the point where something might have happened.

But when the niggling feeling persisted, I did tell my DH. Interestingly enough, he then told me he had similar niggling feelings about someone else we both knew. (The local curate, scarily enough!!) (Female curate that is - nothing too alarming!)

And after that, we had a good laugh and, funnily enough, the feelings actually went away.

I think you know that the meeting is crossing a line and that's why you posted.

Meet him if it would benefit your project and/or you enjoy the flirtation.

But take along a couple of favourite family photos to show him - that'll make sure he knows where your priorities lie.

You shouldn't feel that it is wrong to spend time with a person of the opposite sex - just as long as you aren't giving out the wrong signals.

I have a number of platonic male friends and dh regularly spends an evening with one of my friends with whom he shares an interest. Her dh & I suggested it as they were driving us nuts talking about their shared history every time we got together!

Many people flirt slightly with the opposite sex - doesn't mean they'd wreck their home lives by having affairs.

DH has a female friend with whom he flirts and I hate it!! Am madly jealous, especially as she is fun and single. It causes so many rows when he goes to see her.

If this is purely a work meeting, then why are you questioning telling your husband? It's because this man has feelings for you, and you're not sure how you feel about him. My advice comes from bitter experience: don't try to kid yourself that it's ok to see this guy and not tell your husband about it. If you feel any kind of doubt, and you know that this meeting isn't essential, then don't meet. Believe me, a lot of heartache, unhappiness and hurt can result in an innocent 'work' meeting.

Why on earth would you want to do something that you know would make your dh feel insecure? Whether or not his insecurity is right or wrong, I think it is fundamentally unkind to do something that you know will upset your partner. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

You say you know the guy fancies you, the meeting is not totally necessary to be done over coffee with just to two of you, so I reckon you know the answer and are just looking for support on something you know you shouldn't do. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you are playing with fire here and risk hurting your dh and causing a mess where there needn't be one.

I hear ya Nailpolish when I read your first post I had to take a double take in case it was my name that was on the post. It can happen so easily. Tell your DH if you are meeting him for coffee, if it is a work thing then you have nothing to hide