Swagger Inn (The Snug - extended)

[SisterHelenoftheEternalCatchUp]

For them that wants it, since the old snug is nearing the end of its life.
Come in, sit by the fire and relax with a Fuzzy Tom (or whatever drink grabs your fancy) and indluge in some drivel about which Musketeer is the FAFest.

If you're lucky, a literary wench might tell you a story.

(PS - No doilies allowed)

This thread is not be replacing The Tavern.
It's not a thread number
It's rumbling-in-the-background for anything that people don't want to put in the Tavern.

Excellent installment helen

Emotionally constipated fuckwit. Am v. disappointed in him.

Oh FFS - missed of Athos'a last comment

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Wonder if Sylvie will drop by the garrison again when we're back... she's much hotter than those girl guides she might have some helpful ideas about where Grimaud will have gone next. Not that I miss her, but I would be neglecting my duty as Captain if I didn't explore all leads.
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Secret Diary of Sylvie, Part 7 (Episode 8 - Prisoners of War)

Whooo-hoo!!! Constance came round with some food, and then, it turns out that she and the Queen are, like, BFF, and she's going to sponsor some educational materials! We get to use a printing press and everything! Go us! This is fab!!! Wonder if Athos had anything to do with it. Nearly asked Constance to pass a message to him, but that would be compromising my principles as an enlightened, independent young woman, who does not need emotional fuckwits in her life. Definitely not - not even if they're utter dreamboats.

Had just sent out the first batch of alphabets when some posh woman arrived and said that she wanted manuscripts printing, and asked where my 'Master' was! WTAF? She obviously needs some help with understanding that we, as women, do not have to be reliant on men: we are perfectly capable of taking control of our own destiny - we don't need 'masters' to have fulfilled and meaningful lives. Will invite her to the next 'Women's Issues' talk to broaden her horizons and help her explore the options in life that are open to us, other than servitude to the patriarchal society that currently oppresses us. Too right.

Unfortunately, it turned out later that some bastard had been printing salacious leaflets at the same time as my alphabets went out, and yours truly got the blame for it. Red Guards obviously just loved that idea and bought into it completely - Marcheaux also tried to make me blame Constance for the leaflets. As if I would, the sadistic slime bag. He can FTFO. Vive la sisterhood! Liberty, equality, fraternity, ow! OwOwOwOwOwOw!!!!! Bugger that hurt. To be honest, I felt that he was taking the bondage theme a bit far really. Fortunately he stopped when Athos turned up, yelling 'To hell with the Law' (which was a somewhat unexpected declaration, what with him being Captain and all - hope he doesn't get into trouble for that. ) And then he untied me so I could collapse into his arms. Result! My back is still v. ouchy, but it might just be worth it for getting this much attention from him. (Obviously I am still an independent woman and all, but it's a sign of emotional maturity and intelligence to know when to accept someone's offer of help - even when it comes in the form of your repressed fuckwit of an ex.) Then he took me back to his place and said he'd 'always be here.' Erm - well these are his rooms, so yes, I expect he will usually be here. Oh....! Maybe he meant he'd always look after me! Aaaaaaaaaaaawww. Bless. Maybe he isn't a completely emotionally constipated fuckwit after all. Gosh. He's going to look after me? Think I might be a teensy bit loved up. Hmmmm. Must remember, am an independent woman, and I don't need a man to make me happy and fulfilled. He's v. lush though - FAF in fact. And he does a really convincing 'concerned and worried' look. Hmmm. Principles can go on hold until my back is better I think. You should always keep your options open, after all.

Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, Part 7 (Episode 8 - Prisoners of War)

Oh FFS Aramis. Had a v. tedious start to the day with Treville doing his best 'disapproving' face at me because Aramis is AWOL again. I said I'd deal with him later, but frankly, as long as he's not sleeping with the Queen again, I'm not overly bothered. It turned out that Treville had called us in because the King was playing another game of hide and seek in the gardens (though fortunately not the Extreme version that he was playing with Grimaud last time). Treville was completely stumped, and of course he hates losing, so he wanted us on his team as reinforcements to help him win. Wonderful. It's a delight to have our highly skilled marksmanship and swordfighting skills put to such good use. FFS. To add to the delight, when we found him, Kingy was absolutely off his face on something and wittering on about how beautiful my ex is. FML - thanks for that your Majesty. Though on the plus side he didn't winge too much about losing when we shovelled him back off to bed.

Next on my list of happy events for the day... it emerged that Aramis has been passing secret messages for the Queen ( I'm going to kill Aramis if someone else doesn't beat me to it), and this seemed to have irritated the Spanish so much that they wrote to say they wanted their exchange students back. FFS. Porthos and d'Artagnan had only just delivered them to the Red Guards for their tour of the châtelet. We went to pick them up again, and Marcheaux (incompetent idiot) had brought forward his 'Practical Demonstration of the French Justice System' session, so we had to extract the Spaniards from a crowd baying for blood, and also ended up with d'Artagnan's cousin in tow. WTF? I think he'll find that I'm Captain, so it's my job to decide who we liberate from the Red Guards. Little sod then had the cheek to compare not rescuing his cousin with me hanging my ex. FFS. We don't talk about That and he knows it - it's latrines duty for him once we've sorted out this mess out. That'll teach him. (And WhyTAF is everyone wittering on about my ex. today? Most peculiar. It's not like we're ever going to see her again.)

Took the exchange students on a camping trip prior to returning them to Spain, found a nice scenic picnic spot, and d'Artagnan went hunting for rabbits with his cousin. Well - he only stumbled across Aramis being held hostage by Grimaud - FML - I thought he'd sodded off for a bit. Obviously not. Arse. So the whole 'give us back our students' thing was actually just Grimaud - though WTAF would he want with a bunch of Spanish students? Nothing good I suspect. Anyway, apparently Aramis has been feeling a bit left out of the whole bondage theme that's been going on, and decided to get a piece of action himself. Except of course rope isn't good enough for him - oh no. He needs chains. Bloody drama queen. Got Aramis back anyway, but Grimaud got away yet again, FFS. Either he has some wierd bulletproofness thing going on, or we all need some remedial target practise. Aramis then went on a whole rant about the evils of war - like we hadn't noticed, and had the cheek to suggest that I was obsessed with Grimaud. I think he'll find that he was the one playing kinky 'tie me up' games with Grimaud, not me. (I don't do that sort of thing anymore anyway. Not that I miss Sylvie. Not very much anyway at all. Nope.) The others suggested going after him, but I'm the Captain and I decided that we should go back to Paris and drink lots of wine with the exchange students instead.

Put in a wine order, then stomped up to my office with an apple to chomp on while we waited for the take-out to be delivered, and - WTAF? The ex was back. OMG... There she was, just sitting in my office bold as brass. You could have knocked me down with a feather, and I dropped my apple from the sheer sight of her cleavage... gosh shock of it all. Was hugely conflicted about her cleavage being back until she snogged me. Then I had this massive epiphany and realised that Sylvie does light bondage so much better, and never makes you worry that she might actually really be going to kill you (and I have actually rather missed her, if I'm being completely honest). The ex was hugely pissed off and let on that she knew about me and Sylvie - which sent me into a bit of panic, since I never did tell her the whole "I-hung-my-wife-but-she-didn't-die-and-became-an-assassin-instead-and-then-the-King's-Mistress-and-I-pined-over-her-for-years-but-am-100%-over-her-now-honest" story. Shot off to find Svlyie to try and do some damage limitation, only to find she'd been arrested by the Red Guards for printing some dodgy pictures, which seems highly unlikely unless she's produced a saucy illustrated alphabet.... And still had no idea what the ex. told Sylvie, or if she's the one who framed Sylvie for the dodgy leaflets. In retrospect I should possibly have hung about a bit longer and got a full update from the ex. instead of trying to strangle her and then shooting off. Oops.

After we'd rescued the Queen from a mob who seemed to think that anything in print is automatically true (credulous idiots), we went to see Kingy who was having an right royal hissy fit about it all. He had obviously taken Marcheaux's word for who was behind the leaflets (need to add Kingy to my shit list of credulous idiots) and had sent Sylvie off to be 'punished'. FML. Am I allowed to have one single relationship that he doesn't interfere in? And what happened to that sensible magistrate bloke we had dealing with the last refugee crisis who said we needed evidence before people were convicted? FML. Well sod that for a game of soldiers anyway - I went off to track her down, and found her taking the lead role in another of Marcheaux's 'practical demonstration of the French Justice System' sessions, though this time he was also trying to get in on the bondage theme. FFS - idiot. It's meant to be consensual, or you're just a perverted sadist. Oh - right. Yes. Gotcha. Anyway, Marcheaux being a perverted sadist aside, it's my job to tie her up if required, so I decided, as captain, that I definitely needed to liberate her from the Red Guards (with a bit of help from Porthos and d'Artagnan) Go me us! (but mostly me, obviously, being Captain and all.) She was definitely grateful for my help this time, though slightly incoherent. I ramped up my 'concerned' look up to maximum with a hefty dose of 'protective' for good measure (thought that would do the trick in getting back in her good books) then got her back to my place - obviously just to get her cleaned up - she wasn't in a fit state for anything else unfortunately.

Not entirely sure how well all of this is going to go down with his Royal Stroppiness though - Marcheaux is bound to be complaining about us spoiling his fun - what with us disrupting his session with the exchange students, purloining d'Artagnan's cousin, liberating Sylvie, etc. Plus Aramis has been caught passing notes to the Queen. And my Ex is back on the scene now as well (maybe she could placate the King. Then again she might just suggest that he hang the lot of us... best not involve her then.) Hmmm. Think we might be in for some trouble. Though at least Sylvie hasn't started off on any Liberty/Equality/Fraternity speeches yet... So peace and quiet for now then.

Secret Diary of Sylvie, Part 8 (Episode 9 - The Prize) ...several weeks later
Glad to say that my back is much better now. Athos has been lovely and very concerned. Also a complete gentleman - more's the pity. I may need to tie him up again to get his attention - he keeps rushing out muttering about 'team building' and 'duty' every time I try to distract him from whatever he's doing.

Anyway, he brought the King to play today - thought he might be checking out my parenting skillz (go me! Was v. excited) but apparently not - he wanted me and Constance to do some childminding and play Hide and Seek with the King. Was not v. impressed - women should not be stereotyped as primary care givers, we are multi-skilled individuals and can contribute more to society than just child-rearing. Still, I realised it was an excellent opportunity to educate our King about the realities of life in Paris for his loyal subjects.

Started off with a tour of the Real City to enlighten him about the plight of his citizens, and showed him the wreckage of Christoph and Josephine's pub to illustrate the results of Royal Oppression. Annoyingly, he did a runner while Constance was making up a bed for him, and we caught up with him outside where he was stealing food from the poor market stall holders. Obviously he's going to be a tough nut to crack - his tendencies towards Royal Oppression and lack of empathy towards his subjects appear to be well developed already. Still, Rome wasn't built in a day...

After we escaped from the impending lynch mob caused by his Royal Light-fingeredness, Constance took us to hide her old house (WTAF? People are living on the streets of Paris, and she has a whole house standing empty?) Was slightly unimpressed about her lack of social awareness, but she does give the Settlement lots of food and is generally supportive - just a bit oblivious to other peoples' needs unless they're pointed out in words of one syllable. She got us settled in, then went to tell Athos where our new hiding place was. Much to my surprise, she came back saying she needed to take the King to church, pronto. WTF? I suppose that spiritual education is a good thing (love thy neighbour as thyself; the meek shall inherit the Earth, etc) but it seems a bit daft to go parading round in public when we're meant to be on the 'hiding' part of Hide and Seek. Decided to tell Athos about this change in plans myself, but bumped into Aramis instead, and seeing as he was a monk for a bit, I told him about the new hiding place so he could help with the theme of religious education whilst providing a bit of muscle. Predictably, we nearly got rumbled at the church and had to do a runner from there as well. Still - I decided that since we were out and about already, we should press on with his re-education and show him what a real day's work looks like, and in the meantime Constance decided we should hide at the laundry next, so that was a win-win situation.
The laundress was very supportive - a fine example of female solidarity amongst the masses (must invite her to one of my talks, when I restart them). She had just got us something to eat (thus demonstrating to his majesty the typical food available to people outside the palace), when d'Artagnan arrived. Apparently the Musketeers had decided that we weren't good enough at Hide and Seek and he'd been sent to take over from us. Was a bit miffed, but given our repeated venue changes and narrow escapes, they probably had a point. Was disappointed to cut short the King's education in Social Inequalities Within Parisian Society, but hopefully some of today's lessons with stay with him. In the meantime I can talk to Constance about that empty house... if nothing else we can hold meetings there - starting with one about collective ownership and sharing your redundant possessions with fellow citizens-in-need.

Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, Part 8 (Episode 9 - The Prize) ...several weeks later

Wonderful start to the day. Was busy being Captain, when d'Artagnan turned up saying that Treville wanted to see me, NOW! FFS - who died and made him...? Oh, right.. OK. So, turned out that our new mini-King is as hooked on Hide and Seek as his father the last King was, and, as Captain of his Musketeers, I was obviously nominated to be on his team. Which meant I had to help him hide somewhere in Paris. FML. What is it with the royals and their obsession with Hide and Seek? Still, could be worse, it could be sardines. That gets very unpleasant in full dress uniform - hilts and butts and buckles sticking in all over the place. Very hot and uncomfortable. And Porthos' pauldon is ridiculously big - you really don't want that stuffed in your face... I digress...

Anyway - Hide and Seek. Had no idea what to do with his Royal Smallness - if I want to hide I just put on an extra-large hat and go to a tavern - works for me, but I suspect less so for him. Decided to ask Constance what to do with him - she's BFF with the Queen, so is probably used to playing lots of Hide and Seek.

Went to the Garrison and practised hiding from Porthos and Aramis as a dry run (success!) then sneaked up to my office, and found that Sylvie was up and about, and looking much perkier. (Hope that doesn't mean a renewed campaign to have serious talks about social justice and equality for all is imminent - have avoided those so far by drinking in the tavern having important team bonding sessions with the men - because it's my duty as Captain to make sure that morale and discipline are maintained. Plus, Sylvie needs peace and quiet while she's recovering, so it would be inconsiderate of me to let her bang on about liberty and fraternity have long involved political discussions.) Constance brought the King up to my office and said that my 'hide in a tavern' idea was definitely very bad, as was 'hide in the garrison'. So I instigated an alternative plan that involved delegating the babysitting position of Royal Attendants to her and Sylvie, leaving me free to go to the tavern carry on with the important business of being Captain.

Found the rest of the boys in the tavern - they'd just finished beating up disbanding the Red Guard, but left Marcheaux's sword on the floor for me to kick across the floor in a masterful way and get the last word in. I am the Captain after all. He lurched off muttering threats while we had celebratory drinks. Whatever. Loser.

Went to see Treville and tried to update him on the progress of the game - but he wouldn't let me tell him where the King was hiding. (FFS? I thought he wanted me to Tell Him Everything? Go figure...) Though just as well really, since it turned out later that I hadn't actually got a clue where the King really was by then. Also, I wasn't allowed to tell Aramis or the Queen where he was, and they were very unsympathetic about my duty (as Captain) to not broadcast State Secrets to all and sundry. (Yes Aramis - I'm looking at you, Mr "Yes your Majesty, I slept with the Queen" FFS...) Eventually I cracked under the weight of nagging and the mournful looks decided that it was too dangerous to be the only one who thought he knew there the King was, and told d'Artagnan that the King was playing Hide and Seek with Constance. Don't know why he was quite so surprised by that, she can handle the cadets, so I'd have thought that one small King wouldn't be beyond her. And she had Sylvie to help out.

Having dealt with the Queen and Aramis both being stroppy, Treville then enlisted me to help deal with Gaston, who was still having a temper tantrum about not being allowed to be King.

Unfortunately, it turned out that Constance wasn't as good at Hide and Seek as I had anticipated, and been involved in a run-in with an ex-Red Guard 'seeking' party. (WTAF were they doing in a church?!) Fortunately Aramis saved the day (he's going to be unbelievably smug about that for weeks) and the crisis was averted - Team King still winning. Go us!

Sent d'Artagnan off to relieve Constance and Sylvie, and suggested to Aramis that we should go to the tavern have an informal motivational chat about how 'all for one' etc. still applies even when I'm withholding information because I'm the Captain. Got distracted on route by Marcheaux and some ex-Red Guards running amok, so had fun killing a few of them to uphold justice and the law by killing them. Then the Laundress came and told us that d'Artagnan is even worse at Hide and Seek than Constance, and that Grimaud (of course - who else?) had found him and the King, had upped the ante from just plain old 'Hide and Seek' to 'Extreme Hide and Seek', and was about to announce himself as Ultimate Champion (egotistical fuckwit). So Aramis and I had to postpone the drinking session motivational chat and hot-foot it to save the day. I mean, honestly. Am I the only one with the faintest clue that the whole point of hiding is not to be found. FFS.

As previously noted, Minister "I'd rather die than lose at Hide and Seek" Treville is ridiculously competitive about these games. So while we were on route to save the day, he intervened with Porthos to retrieve d'Artagnan and the King. So far so good, but bloody sodding Grimaud upgraded again to 'Death by Hide and Seek', shot Treville, and then did his vanishing trick again. Fuckity-fuck. Bastard. All very traumatic.

On a minor plus point, at least Treville died feeling satisfied that he'd won the overall game in a suitably heroic manner, but I am NOT happy. FFS. What a complete shambles. I should have just put the Mini-King in a big hat and taken him to a tavern with me after all. Bet that would have worked better.

And now I have to put brave face on for the men, and not get stocious-drunk and miserable about it all. Being Captain has its downside. FML.

Final one. #willfinishtheseifitkillsme #stubborn
(but apparently too long for one post I need a good editor, but not enough time to pare it down just now)
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Secret Diary of Sylvie, Part 9 (Episode 10 - We are the Garrison) (timings courtesy of the actual script!

Day 1

Tracked down Athos down this evening to the tavern. To be fair he didn't take much tracking down, it being Minister Treville's wake and all. He was looking understandably glum, and Constance said I should tell him my 'news' to cheer him up. Not convinced it would be the best timing – "Sorry your friend/boss/father-figure is dead. Guess what though - I'm preggers! Yay for unplanned parenthood!" Or not. So I decided that an early night was best and went back to the Settlement.

Barely had time to get to my room, let alone into bed before some inconsiderate sod started letting off fireworks. FFS, I'm a mother-to-be you know, I need my sleep! Went out to complain and realised that it wasn’t actually fireworks, and it appeared that the Musketeers had finally sent the entire place up in flames purely by virtue of their status as hottest men in Paris were in need of rescuing again, so I rounded up the usual mob and went to investigate with precautionary buckets and firebeaters.

Was most alarmed to find the Tavern smoking, and the Garrison mostly flattened and in flames, but fortunately the FAF One and his pretty friends were mostly fine, if a bit dishevelled and unhappy. (Still looking good though. Oh yes indeed!) Some of the less pretty ones were less fine but they never have much to say for themselves anyway so probably no great loss. (Not that I would judge anyone purely on their looks or the amount they have to say for themselves of course – that would be very shallow.) Anyway, I coordinated my fellow citizens, started to help put the fires out, and generally made myself useful tidying up. Athos looked understandably shell-shocked (and FAF, as ever) but also suitably impressed by my practicality and usefulness. Go me!

Day 2

Carried on helping salvage what was left of the Garrison this morning. The Musketeers decided to set up base in Christophe's old Tavern, and then Athos did a lovely motivational speech about how it's who you are and what you do that counts – not where you do it. All very true - past evidence indicates that he is very good at doing all sorts of things in different places and positions. Though suspect that wasn't quite what he meant - pregnancy hormones are obviously distracting me a bit. Anyway, was very proud and impressed with him (once I got my thoughts back on track). Wonder if he'd consider doing an 'Overcoming disenfranchisement' talk for some of the refugees at my next meeting?

I went off to the settlement to fetch some more supplies (given that most of our food comes from the garrison to start with, seems only fair to send some back). Got there to find Marcheaux and Grimaud making a nuisance of themselves - oppressing my friends and trying to use me as bait. FFS. Still haven't got a handle on Grimaud – can't work out if he's jealous of me, or of Athos, or is just generally an irredeemably sad case (suspect the latter, much as I hate to write anyone off). My midwife was also very indiscreet (so much for patient confidentiality) and Grimaud came over all "WTAF are you bringing a child into this world for?" I didn't like to appear a feckless and irresponsible irresistible sex goddess mother-to-be by saying it was a tiny bit unplanned and a by-product of Athos being irresistibly FAF and shit-hot in the sack (or tied against a pillar... or pinning me down on my mattress… or…. hmmm... well, pretty much anywhere really... #smug) Anyway, so I pretended to misunderstand him and expressed amazement and pity that he'd got this far in life without a basic understanding of the human reproductive process: "Don't you know???!" He looked v. hacked off at that and stomped off. Ha! That'll teach him.

Then the bastard got his own back by torturing my midwife until I agreed to write my own ransom note for Athos, telling him to bring Aramis and Porthos to the settlement with him. Did wonder why Grimaud didn't want d’Artagnan to come along as well, but didn't like to ask. Oh well. Was all v. annoying though – I am an independent woman in charge of my own destiny, not a pawn in need of rescuing by a man - even if he is unbelievably FAF with v. pretty friends. I suspected that Grimaud was right though, and Athos was bound to turn up – duty, honour and all that. Decided to plan my next speech while we waited around. Something along the lines of oppression of the masses being completely unacceptable - whether said oppression comes from Royalty or our fellow psychopaths citizens.

As expected, Athos swaggered along with the others (looking v. FAF and brave!). They opened proceedings with a staring contest, then threw a few insults about before Aramis and Porthos bravely went off have a private execution. (I'm sure it was all part of some clever rescue plan they'd come up with). Then Grimaud went off on a monologue about something at Athos (not entirely sure what his point was - I got a bit distracted by the sight of Athos looking FAF in chains - have to say I find rope less cumbersome and easier to get hold of, but I'm sure I could work with chains. Can hopefully follow up on that one later...) I started paying attention again when Grimaud waved his knife threateningly at me. Athos was very brave on my behalf and said I wasn't afraid of dying, while I tried to communicate with him via Meaningful Looks that actually I'd rather not die and had some Important News for him. At which point Grimaud waved the knife at my stomach as if I was a sheep with bloat, FFS. Not the most tactful way to break the news of impending fatherhood to the FAF One, and we had to have our entire 'I'm pregnant' conversation via more Meaningful Looks ("Really?" "Yes, soz - meant to tell you..." "Gulp"). There wasn't any time for a proper in-depth conversation anyway though, because, in quick succession: we heard two shots (for a nasty moment thought that Aramis and Porthos might not have talked/thumped their way out of trouble), d'Artagnan popped up with a gun, I knocked Grimaud sideways with my street-fighting skillz (teach him to threaten my unborn child and the father-of-my-unborn-child) and Athos thumped Marchaud repeatedly (because frankly, why wouldn't you?) Then they all had a general thump-and-stab-fest - joined by my fellow hostages who were all a bit cross about being Oppressed by fellow citizens in addition to the pre-existing Royal Oppression. Unfortunately my hands were tied behind me still, so my fighting skillz were a tad limited (Athos was ok - his were chained in front, so he just thumped lots of people two handed. Gosh. Was very impressive). I camouflaged myself behind a pillar and kicked anyone who got too close until Athos untied us both and set off after Grimaud.

Grimaud, obviously, got away yet again - despite d'Artagnan using him as a pincushion earlier, but everyone was fine - apart from the dead ex-Red Guards and Marchaux (who apparently had an unfortunate encounter with d'Artagnan and a large spikey object) All the Musketeers were v. excited at their new status of uncles-to-be, though Athos was a bit overwhelmed - bless. He got all protective and said I needed to rest. Will need to educate him about my awareness of what my body needs, and remind him that even though I'm carrying his child, I am still a person in my own right and capable of making decisions about how much rest I need. In lieu of that, I went off to take the delayed supplies to Constance.

*Day 5

Have spent past few days with Athos being very attentive and excited - when he wasn't busy Being Captain. Everyone else is very excited too. Is all very exciting in fact! Though have had to find new midwife, obviously. (Though NOT Porthos, even if Elodie says he was very supportive and hands-on when she had her baby.)

Today it was the big Party in the Cathedral for the new King. Had just got in there when Constance and Porthos told everyone to leave. Apparently the problem was 'Grimaud in the Crypt with Gunpowder' - blowing up the Garrison turned out to be a dry run for taking down the Cathedral and everyone in it. So Athos and d'Artagnan went in to play Hide and Seek with him. Was slightly concerned given their previous rather ineffective efforts at finding him, but Constance and Porthos were sure they would manage it.

Fortunately, it turned out that they did this time. Athos came back up with d'Artagnan looking distinctly damp and a bit pained (is there a look that doesn't suit the man?) and then we got on with the Party again. Was quite impressed with her Majesty's speech actually, but think her booking fee is probably too high for my self-help groups. Might borrow a few of her lines for my talks though.

Day 6

V. Exciting day in the Garrison. Porthos went off to be a General, having married Elodie to get free rebuilding work done at the Garrison, Aramis has been packed off to the Palace to minister to the Queens needs (or something like that - there was lots of smirking which I didn't quite understand, but I'm sure he will use his influence to help her minimise the new King's tendencies towards 'Royal Oppression and theft from the poor') and d'Artagnan is going to be Captain so that Athos can tour France with me and help bring equality and liberty to the masses! He can look after the baby while I provide motivational speeches and education for our fellow citizens! Result! I may also need a lot of bed rest. Or at least, need to spend a lot of time in bed. Hurrah!!

Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, Part 9

Day 1

Rubbish day. Treville still dead. Everyone miserable. Porthos, d'Artagnan and Aramis did the eulogies, then the Tavern got bombed (in the explosive sense as well as the alcoholic sense). Then the Garrison blew up with Constance and the Cadets inside it. FML. Am going to kill Grimaud and Marcheaux. Slowly and painfully. Being Captain has some perks, and one of them is that I get first dibs on killing them. The Garrison was completely wrecked and everyone v. worried about Constance and cadets. d'Artagnan ran in to find Constance just before another big explosion, so we thought he was dead too. V.v.v. depressed - esp. when saw Gimaud lurking on a roof watching. Bastard. Then he did his usual vanishing trick and things started to look up. Found some cadets (albeit rather battered) disguised as lumps of charred wood, then d'Artagnan (not dead after all - yay!) emerged carrying Constance (also not dead, due to hiding behind a door with Cadet Brujon). And finally Sylvie turned up with some refugees to help put the fire out and generally made herself useful. Am def. rather fond of her. Nice practical girl, albeit with slightly alarming revolutionary tendencies.

Day 2

Today we started by having a scavenger hunt round the Garrison. Not a vast amount to be found, so decided to go for a drink move operations to the Tavern. Cadet Brujon got v. upset about leaving the Garrison, so I did an encouraging speech about how we are more important than any place apart from the pub, obvs. Everyone looked very serious and approving. Result! Am clearly excellent at Captaining. Sylvie was v. impressed too. She got a bit flushed and gave me lots of admiring and supportive looks, then said she would get some more blankets and food from the settlement to help Constance. Considered asking her to bring wine and rope too, but on reflection, that's probably best kept to her room - not the pub new open-plan HQ.

Was just finishing up at the Garrison when Grimaud sent a messenger. She wasn't much use (being dead) but fortunately there was a note too. Turned out the bastard had kidnapped Sylvie (FML I knew he was jealous of us) and was going to kill her and all her friends unless I took Aramis and Porthos to see him for yet another game of Death by Hide and Seek. Everyone was all very FFS and WTAF, except Porthos, who had a Cunning Plan. Most impressive. While we were finalising plans, Elodie (her from the Girl Guides) turned up with her baby. Was v. surprised - thought we'd ruled ourselves out of being responsible for maintenance payments for her baby, but Porthos seemed v. keen. Eventually got him to put the baby down and concentrate on his Cunning Plan, which also included No Rules and No Honour. We set d'Artagnan (still not dead) to Stealth/Assasin mode and he snuck in the back way to the settlement to wreak silent havoc, while we distracted Grimaud and his bunch of Morose Men with our witty repartee and insults.

Sauntered in and had a staring contest with Grimaud and suggested swapping hostages for weapons as a delaying tactic, but they weren't having any of it, so we dumped our weapons and Porthos and Aramis went off to kill their ex-Red Guards in private - as per Porthos' Cunning Plan.

All was going to plan - got chained up and was making small talk with Grimaud about death being nothing to fear, then - OMG - turned out that Sylvie is pregnant!!! O.M.G. Exchanged meaningful looks with her ("Have you been standing too close to Aramis, or is it mine?"..."It's yours"..."Cool, I'd better get us out of this then...") Then, d'Artagnan (definitely not dead) came barrelling out, which was a bit of a surprise for our captors! Unfortunately he shot a random ex-Red-Guard instead of Grimaud (FML - does than man repel bullets?). But Grimaud was so surprised by d'Artagnan's 'not actually dead' status that Sylvie easily knocked him over with her hands tied behind her back (pregnancy and feistiness are not mutually exclusive, it seems) while I battered Marcheaux with my useful metal handcuffs. Then d'Artagnan and Sylvie's friends joined in to give them all a good kicking).

Upshot - d'Artagnan stabbed Grimaud a couple of times, then set off after Marcheaux while I was busy untying Sylvie and chasing after Grimaud. Grimaud managed to get out of sight then upgraded his Everyday Lurking Cloak for an Invisibility Cloak. Again. Was forced to go back and admit to d'Artagnan (who'd killed Marcheaux) that he had vanished yet again. HowTAF he managed that I have no idea... was a bit cross. But more importantly, OMG I'm going to be a father. Gulp... Is quite cool actually. OMG!

Anyway, the boys all v. excited about being uncles. Porthos v. keen to help with the birth since she's short of midwife - Sylvie seemed less enthused with that idea (have finally found the limits of her belief in equal opportunities for all!) So we compromised with agreeing they could help teach the baby how to fight. Sylvie declined my suggestion of a celebratory shag lie down and went off to deliver supplies to Constance and I got a bit emosh with Porthos (slightly embarrassing since not actually drunk, but he was v. understanding - having recently acquired a baby himself). Went back to the pub HQ for celebratory drinks. Hurrah! (Slight pause for thought - the ex won't be pleased.)

Day 3

Still v. excited about impending fatherhood and came up with a plan to Improve People's Lives. Decided that Porthos ought to get some sort of reward for his Cunning Plan, so suggested to her Majesty that he get a promotion (to help fund his Instant FamilyTM). Plus suggested Aramis for First Minister - that job sounds far too much like hard work to me, and this way Aramis can legitimately hang out with her Majesty and the King. Another Instant FamilyTM achieved. Go me! Can't do much for d'Artagnan by way of providing a baby for him - will have to leave that one up to him and Constance. There must be something else missing from his life that I could sort out, but can't think of anything off the top of my head... Though then again...

Day 5

Escorted her Majesty and the King to the Cathedral this morning for the big Party Thanksgiving Service. Had just about got there when Constance told us that Elodie has seen Grimaud go inside for another round of Hide and Seek. FFActualSake, the man is bloody obsessed - worse than the last King if that's possible. So I picked d'Artagnan for my team, and left the others to sort out clearing the area while we went to play 'Hunt the Fuckwit' in the crypts. Quickly spotted the trail of breadcrumbs gunpowder (back to Hansel and Gretel again) and abandoned Hide and Seek to play 'find the large amount of very explosive gunpowder' before it all blew up (which was dead easy due to the hissy crackly noise and bright glowing fuses being v. conspicuous in a dark silent crypt). Having thwarted that part of Grimaud's plan easily enough, we then split up to find the fuckwit himself. d'Artagnan found him first and swapped hits before I got there and Grimaud vanished again, so I pulled rank and pointed out that he could FRO if he thought he was going to kill both Marcheaux and Grimaud. Selfish sod. Told him to Stay! and confiscated his sword to make sure (I am the Captain after all - need to make sure that orders are obeyed) then went after Grimaud. Weirdly, I found him by a swimming pool. No idea why the crypt has swimming pool, but there we go. Was quite handy for dumping Grimaud in once I caught up with him. Splashed around and had a bit of a water fight with him, then introduced him to the game of Extreme Apple Bobbing, which he was never going to win because I'd 'forgotten' to add the apple. Like Porthos said, No Rules No Honour No Apples Besides, have gone right off apples since the Ex surprised me while I was eating one.

Was a bit knackered after that to be honest, and my boots were full of water, so I had a little sit down and watched to make sure that Grimaud didn't come back to life or vanish again. d'Artagnan failed his obedience training and came to find me, but I decided to let him off that one and squelched back up to the Cathedral with him to let everyone back in and start the Party Thanksgiving Service. Her Highness gave a very nice speech - was sure Sylvie would approve of its inclusive sentiments. Was slightly startled to hear we were being disbanded (that memo must have been blown up in the Garrison)but relieved about being immediately reformed, then we escorted the Royal Family out again and I watched her Majesty start to put my Improving People's Lives plans into action. Go me!

Day 6

Plan of action all ready to go. Commission, horse and shiny new pauldron for Cadet Musketeer Brujon, Instant FamiliesTM and promotions for Porthos and Aramis, promotion and a hat for d'Artagnan, Sabbatical with Sylvie and Sprog (well away from the scary ex) for me! Sylvie was slightly bemused by my lack of detailed plan once we were out of Paris, but I deflected her with a motivational speech and a snog. Think I'm getting the hang of this... Go me!