Swagger Inn (The Snug - extended)

[SisterHelenoftheEternalCatchUp]

For them that wants it, since the old snug is nearing the end of its life.
Come in, sit by the fire and relax with a Fuzzy Tom (or whatever drink grabs your fancy) and indluge in some drivel about which Musketeer is the FAFest.

If you're lucky, a literary wench might tell you a story.

(PS - No doilies allowed)

This thread is not be replacing The Tavern.
It's not a thread number
It's rumbling-in-the-background for anything that people don't want to put in the Tavern.

It's probably just how they did up their trousers in those days, but still hot....

Gives rise to many possibilities re unbuttoning.....

ERRRRMMMMEEERRRRRRRGEERRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

That shirtless one!

Thank you so much morelike

I love the pair of outstretched female hands coming in to the shot to grab him take whatever he's holding. It's as if a member of team A were there.

HOLYFUCKINGHELL!!!!

Also, does somewench need to remind Jess and everyone of the rules? When Dog(tanian) had a hat, he didn't have any trousers.

Letus - that is drugging inspirational - yes Jess and Luke BOTH need reminding - over to you to tweet that reminder - but maybe WHEN we see it in tv for the 1st time .....

Drugging WTF - frigging was the word I was after

Athos smorgasbord. V sorry about Athos' face, my nails need cutting.

One for Team Porthos

Tart

So - for those of you who feel that Athos and Sylvie have rushed into the whole thing, I give you....
Secret Diary of Sylvie

Episode 2, Day 1
Well - I had a good day today - I was all busy being a refugee and trying to feed and educate my fellow citizens when a Mob comes barging along and accuses us of stealing all of Paris' grain stores. Idiots - like we can fit all that in here. Of course the Red Guards came and joined in, so lots of people rounded up, including Dad, but on the plus side I found some top totty rummaging about in my room so I waved my pistol at him to indicate my interest in him - obviously he was far too FAF to actually shoot so it was just foreplay really. And we had a staring contest, which I lost after his masterful and seductive talk about retaliating. You'll never guess what though - he took one of Dad's leaflets with him. OMG! He's interested in freedom and equality for all!!! I'm SO in there... So, I was really getting my hopes up when he took me back to his place, but turned out that he was a musketeer and all he wanted to do was talk about Dad's leaflets, and pump me Anyway, where was I...? Oh yes - he wanted ideas on how to track down the grain and rescue his friend. Bit of a let down, but I suppose we do need to get Dad and my friends out of that prison.

Episode 2, Day 2
This morning I went on romantic date with the Hot Musketeer - we found some spare sacks and were going to find a secluded corner to get in them examine them in, but - bit of a downer - one of my friends was already using the secluded corner for being dead in (inconsiderate cow). Tried not to kick the FAF one for his rather over-zealous description of her death. She was my friend after all. Then the Red Guards came bursting in again (don't they get the message - they're not welcome here - they're just not hot enough to compete with those Musketeers!) and some of them came on a bit strong. Fortunately me and the FAF one bonded over a good old fashioned sword fight. Think he was quite impressed with my excellent street fighting skillz. He looked very appreciative while he was looking up at me fighting on the platform. Go me!

Then he took me back to his place AGAIN, where I found out that unfortunately Dad died in prison, which was a bit of a mood killer. And all I got was sympathetic looks from the FAF one and his pretty friends - not a single offer of a comforting shag cuddle. FML. Maybe I've misread this. Maybe he's just not that into me after all. Damn. Still, on the plus side, at least I get control over the leaflets now.

He got my hopes up again though after that – I thought we were having second attempt at romantic date in the evening- in a local pub this time, but Captain FAF brought his friends along, and chained me up outside. FFS, kinky sod. Still, his friends are fairly pretty too. Tried out the pretty beardy one while the other two went for a drink, but - meh. He's not all that. Though he did tell me that the FAF One used to be a Comte but had given up his titles and land. Fantastic - liberty, fraternity, etc etc. He is interested in the contents of my knickers leaflets after all. Got bored with the Pretty Beardy One after that, so I distracted him with a snog, pinched the keys and went for a walk. Bumped into an ex who only turned out to be a bastard Red Guard in disguise. Was going to shoot him, then another Red Guard did it instead. Bloody interfering men - I'm perfectly capable of shooting my own victims. Was v. cross about that, but the FAF One gave me a nice comforting cuddle afterwards, so I suppose it was ok on balance.

Episode 2, Day 3
After it was all over, the FAF One (goes by the name of Athos apparently) dropped by again and I give him a cheeky snog on his way out - in front of his friends - ha! Then I sashayed off to let him think about that one. My mates said he looked well confused before he swaggered off. I'm not chasing after him - I have my principles after all. He wants more than that he can work for it.

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Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Episode 2, Day 1
What a day - Dog got caught up in a riot about stolen grain, so we had to find it before he got all upset about the unfairness of it all. FFS. Ended up in refugee camp looking for grain which clearly wasn't there while Aramis and Porthos stropped about complaining about pointless orders. I think they'll find the I'm the Captain though. In the process of searching I came across a seditious leaflet and a rather feisty young lady. She pointed a gun at me and asked if I had any secrets. It was rather arousing - just like the good old days with Milady trying to kill me. Except this one didn't then snog my face off afterwards. Was faintly disappointed about that, but managed to conceal it. Was obliged to lecturer her on sedition and treason and retaliation whilst disarming her and trying out that Stare which Aramis says is so effective...

Took her back to the garrison to have another little chat about sedition and suchlike - she does bang on about this whole liberty/equality/better-life-for-everyone stuff though – Porthos got well grouchy with her (wonder if he fancies her). Quite an intriguing young lady though. One to keep an eye on.

Episode 2, Day 2
Next morning I went back to the settlement – not specifically to see the Fiesty Female of course – it was entirely to help get the refugees off the hook with this whole grain thing – because that would really annoy Feron (who is being a right half-royal pain in the backside). But it was only polite to let her to help… and she even managed to find some of those missing sacks! Was a bit impressed, but also put out by that to be honest – I’m meant to be the clever CSI one. But then, with brilliant timing, we discovered that one of her friends had got herself killed overnight, so I got to impress her with my investigative CSI skills and described to her exactly how her friend had been murdered! Go me! She seemed somewhat underwhelmed though – tsk – some people are so hard to please. Still, then the Red Guards came round being all shouty yet again, so I used that as an excuse to drag her off to another secluded spot with our sacks – genius! Not, of course that it was done with any ulterior motives – I was just trying to keep her out of harm’s way (being a gentleman and all). Didn’t work anyway, the Red Guards followed us (perves), so I tried to impress her with my ultra-skillful swordplay. Turns out she's quite handy with a sword as well - and her knee. Must make a note to keep on her good side. Also got somewhat distracted while she was fighting on the platform above me - checked to see how she was getting on and realised I could pretty much see right up her skirt. Thought it would be ungentlemanly to point that out or take advantage though, so took her back to the garrison with me (for her own protection, obviously). Unfortunately while we were there, she found out that her father died in Dog's arms in the prison - Dog did apologise, and I directed my best 'concerned' look at her, though she didn't seem very appreciative. Pfft. Women. Tonight we'll have to try and locate the stray refugee. Best start by looking in a pub I think - seems like a good plan to me.

Oh FML - why do I even bother? What was I thinking? Turned out we'd picked one of those old fashioned 'Men Only' pubs to visit, so had to leave the Feisty Female chained up outside with Aramis for company so she wouldn’t get too bored. (Felt quite discombobulated restraining her like that so headed rapidly off for a stiff drink.) Well anyway, while Dog was snarling at the other drinkers, Aramis only let her sweet talk her way out of the chains and pinch his weapon for good measure - dozy idiot. Of course she comes barging into the pub raging about some two-timing refugee who turned out to be a Red Guard and threatened to shoot him with Aramis' pistol - only for Marcheaux (slimy bastard) to shoot him before we could use him as evidence, claiming that this was a 'Men only' establishment and the dead guard had broken the rules by bringing the Feisty Female along with him. FML. Then I had to stop her shooting Marcheaux by holding her tight in my arms. Possibly for slightly longer than was completely necessary... Erm.... yes. Was quite stimulating actually - kept thinking about having her tied up in those chains as well. Very distracting. Anyway, it was all very annoying about Marcheaux murdering our evidence. But, at least we had proof that it wasn't the refugees who half-inched the grain now.

Episode 2, Day 3
This morning, I got to feel smug and superior whilst sorting stuff out at the Palace. (Note to self: Porthos’s hunch is likely to be literal if he insists on carrying two sacks of grain at a time like that – must sign him up for the next available Health and Safety 'Manual Handling' course.)

In the meantime, the Feisty Female took Aramis on a date by way of an apology for making him look stupid (not that that takes much) Was strangely disappointed she didn't ask me - I have a history of taking dates to the mortuary after all - I'm sure I could have pulled that one off ok. Oh well. His Stare (patent pending) has obviously worked its usual magic. Bastard. Bet Porthos won't be impressed either.

Finally went to tell the Feisty Female (goes by the name of Sylvie apparently) that all is well re. the grain theft and the refugees are definitely off the hook. Suggested that she could move somewhere more salubrious but she seems fairly keen to stay put. Then much to my astonishment she pounced on me - in front of the others, and snogged my face off. WTF? Hmmm… Was quite pleasant actually. Go me! Thank God the others couldn't see my face. I thought she liked Aramis though? #Confused. Still, I realised they were watching in time and swaggered my way back to them looking smug. They were quite obviously hugely jealous of my pulling power. Result! Being Captain def. has benefits.

Secret Diary of Sylvie

Episode 3, Day 1 - A week or so later...
Was at Christoph's pub trying to find a venue for my socially aware self-improvement group to meet, when guess who walked in and gave me the eye!!! Vaire excited. My friends Christophe and Josephine were all like: "He is so into you" and "Yeah - he, like, really fancies you!" Unfortunately he was escorting some idiot noble called New York - or was it New Orleans? Oh well - whoever. He said he'd been robbed and proceeded to kill some of the patrons during his ensuing hissy fit, and Athos and his friends had to stop the others killing said idiot noble because it turned out he was the King's brother. So that put rather a dampener on things. I stuck up for him though and told Christoph that he was alright - Athos didn't even thank me - ungrateful sod, just stood there looking all commanding. Gosh. Bastard though.

Then later he sent his pretty friends round to see if I knew who'd robbed NewYork/Orleans. Or at least, that's why they said they were there. I reckon he'd sent them to check me out and see if I fancied him. Anyway, the pretty beardy one tried to flirt with me, so I gave them a lecture on getting their priorities right and being socially aware, then sent them packing.

Episode 3, Day 2
Next thing I know Athos has rocked up at the funeral to see me, which is a pretty inappropriate place for a date if you ask me. But he didn't get far because the Red Guards turned up (AGAIN!) and his pretty beardy friend got all shouty and masterful, AND his boss did as well. I may have to reconsider my opinion about how FAF his friends are, since Athos didn't even bother being in the slightest bit supportive or following me when I stropped off after Christoph blamed me for the whole thing. Insensitive, self-centred git.

Was busy being all revolutionary in our slums when I heard that Athos and Christoph had made up and were now bezzies, but having a bit of bother with Red Guards AGAIN! So me and some friends had to come to his rescue, which gave him another chance to admire my sword skills and knee work. Plus he gave me a vaire appreciative look for coming to his rescue. Unfortunately my friend Josephine got shot and died. So that rather killed the atmosphere. Am starting to wonder if I'll ever get anywhere with this guy - fate keeps intervening in the shape of Red Guards and dead people. FFS Fate, get a grip would you?

So, I'm ashamed to say that I buckled in the end and went to the garrison to see him for some provocative flirting in front of his men. Then I sashayed off again without letting him have a kiss. That'll teach him to play hard to get. Ha!

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Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Episode3, Day 1 - A week or so later...

Had to escort king's twattish brother Orleans back to the palace today. Ended up stopping for swift half in the pub - had a double-take/OMG moment when saw Sylvie there, but was sadly working and it was most inappropriate to chat her up whilst on escort duty. Or perhaps that was a good thing. Wasn't quite sure what to say since last time I saw her she snogged me and I didn't quite get round to calling by to see her again. Hmm... Ended up trying to prevent full scale riot caused by Orleans, but Sylvie is obviously in with the landlord because he put down his gun when she told him to (will file that one away for later – good source of cheap drinks maybe?) Unfortunately I was too busy being masterful and In Charge to thank her. Sure she won't mind though.

Treville is mega-pissed off too about Orleans being back. Says I need to tell him everything. Wonder what he thinks about my plan to ask Aramis and Dog to find out if Sylvie is free for a date on Saturday night?

Kingy is in a mega strop – says we need to find out who robbed Orleans and never mind about the dead war veterans. Bugger. Have sent Aramis and Dog to ask Sylvie if she knows anything. Nearly asked them to find out if she's free on Saturday night, but... well… best not probably. They'd just take the piss. Landlord is still in a strop too. But the thief left a note to say they'll hand themselves in after the funeral. Result!

Episode3, Day 2

OMG – she was at the funeral too. Not at all awkward... Had to make effort to act cool. Put my best serious face on and managed not do the embarrassing double-take reaction again. Pfft. Then Aramis stepped in and took over the service - monkish tendencies coming to the fore. Show-off. Still – was good PR for us: 'Musketeers for the people' and all that. So all was going swimmingly (well as much as possible given that it was the funeral of three war veterans murdered by the King's brother who refuses to apologise). But then - WTAF Marcheaux? FML. He comes storming and we ended up with another dead veteran and an overly emotional landlord on the warpath, Treville arrived and saved the day by doing the shouty thing at Marcheaux (Yay!) but Sylvie vamoosed before I had a chance to ask her about Saturday. Arse. FML.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! FML utter cock-up. Ended up with Treville and Porthos being held hostage at the pub (admittedly there are worse places to be held in), the rescue mission failed and the Red Guard bastards started taking potshots at us too. We ended up with Stockholm Syndrome holed up in the pub (silver lining) with the landlord and veterans, bonding over our shared loathing of the Red Guards and mutual appreciation of wine. Then we ran out of ammunition and there was only one thing for it - Aramis and Porthos had a slightly tearful moment of bromance, then we leapt heroically over the barricades and hoped Marcheaux would decided to stop shooting and tell the Red Guards to use their swords instead.

Result! Marcheaux did randomly stop shooting at us (can tell he's never been to a proper war - idiot), and then Connie and Sylvie turned up with reinforcements to rescue us. Slightly embarrassing to need rescuing, but most welcome – and I got to admire Sylvie in action again. Gosh. Was going to ask Sylvie about Saturday night, but then her friend had a tragic deathbed scene so it seemed slightly inappropriate. I used my best 'concerned' face again - I think it went down well last time after all.

Was working off frustrations in the garrison with Aramis, getting all hot and sweaty.... and who should turn up by Sylvie. Aramis was all "Oh, she's here to see me". Smug git. Mortuary dates don't always do the trick you know. So I threw him up against the stairs and… Result! - She'd come to see me. Ha! Being Captain is vaire cool. Aramis accepted defeat with relative good grace and then - WTAF? She flirted outrageously with me in front of everyone and then said she probably shouldn't snog me in public - I said she could, but she just sauntered off again looking smug. FML. Mind you - she is so up for Saturday night. Will ask Aramis if I can borrow his aftershave...

Secret Diary of Sylvie

Episode 4, Day 1 - A week or so later...
Yes!!!!! Action at last. Admittedly it was peeing down when I went to the garrison, but it did mean Athos got soaked and his shirt clung to him in a most attractive manner. Got a well hot snog off him before his sodding friends dragged him off to the toilet. Or it might have been to the Louvre. Not entirely sure. He was most apologetic and it was quite funny really. If a tad frustrating.

Episode 4, Day 2
This afternoon I did a Speech all about self empowerment and social enlightenment, then some creepy guy offered me money and told me that Athos is off getting diamonds. Gosh! That's a bit fast. And how does he know my ring size? Still – result! Told the creepy guy he could stuff his money - I won't need that if Athos is going to propose!

Went to see Athos afterwards and invited him to the "Empowering yourself' talk that I'm giving tonight. The utter sod only said it was 'inappropriate' and that he'd rather drink wine!! Thought perhaps that he wanted me to come in so he could propose in private with a glass of fizz, so I asked about the diamonds and he just started looking pained and wittered on about 'chasing thieves'. FFS. Apparently he's more interested in the contents of my knickers than my brain, and did the whole "It's not you, it's me" thing. Well he can FRO then. I am an independent empowered woman and I don't need that sort of shit. I might have cried on my way home though. Bastard. So much for liberty, fraternity, and getting me diamonds. Git. I’m better off without him. Fact.

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Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Episode 4, Day 1 - A week or so later...
Finally - managed to get Sylvie to come over for a hot date, and she was well up for it - before Dog interrupted. FFS. I thought he was housetrained? Though Aramis says that he said we needed to go to the Louvre - not that he needed the toilet. FFS. Porthos gave me a right cbf as well. Jealous, obviously. Had to apologise to Sylvie and go off to see the King in a somewhat unfortunate/uncomfortable state while Sylvie just laughed at me. Cow. I'm so going to get my own back later.

Turns out that Kingy's sister has come for a visit and lost her jewellery. So muggins and the others are off on a diamond hunt. Fortunately we rapidly bumped into a blast from the past and went on a grand tour of jewel buyers with Bonnaire, who wasn’t overjoyed to see us and apparently isn’t rotting in a Spanish Jail after all (Porthos was v. cross about that. come to think about it, Porthos is very cross about a lot of things these days. Must try a motivational speech at some point - see if that helps. Or just get him drunk and give him a melon to play with. Though that didn't work out so well last time.) Anyway, I digress. We found all but one of the jewels of course and we know where the last one is - will fetch that tomorrow. So all-in-all we did ok. Except by the time I caught up with Sylvie to resume our interrupted songfest, she was banging on about equality and liberty again - and wittering about diamonds? WTAF? FFS - I just want a get smoke and a drink. And a snog. And a bit more than that to be honest. But no - she wants to be respected as a person and wants us to get to know each other, etc etc, and frankly after a day of dealing with Bonnaire and Kingy and his loon of a sister, and puttign up with Dog being all smug about his previously unmentioned horse whispering skills), I really couldn't be arsed with all that. So she stropped off in a right huff. FML. Maybe I should have said I'd go to her meeting and then just cried off at the last minute. Oh well. Chalk that one down to experience because I don't fancy my chances with her now. In retrospect I probably could have been more tactful. Arse. I blame Aramis – all this 'treat them mean, get them killed keep them keen' nonsense. Bet he gave me bad advice on purpose. Bastard. He's just annoyed with me because Sylvie snogged me. I’ll ask Dog for advice next time – he's got Constance so he must have some idea about how to keep women happy and not make them try to kill you. FML. I need a drink. Wonder if that Dutch financier has anything I can put in my pipe…

Episode 4, Day 2
Headed off to find the missing jewel. Turns out it was with one of Aramis' many 'women-from-his-past'. He wasn't very helpful about it - think he was a bit arsey because we stopped the wedding - he was going to be chief bridesmaid – or something. Whatever. Final thrill of the day was rummaging around in a mass burial pit for some money. JFC do we not have cadets for this shit? FFS. Still could be worse - I could be in a meeting about equality/fraternity/liberty. Narrow escape there I think. Off drinking with the lads tonight - excellent.

Secret Diary of Sylvie

Episode 5, Day1 - Some more time later...
Today our revolutionary meeting got interrupted by a prison break. I was about to educate them on the Rights of Man, when Athos and his friends came by. I did my best to blank him for not proposing - pretended not to know him and told him to go away, so he pretended not to know me either and was quite masterful about it. (God he's FAF - it was rather arousing, especially when he grabbed my chin and stared into my eyes in a commanding way. Oof! He's still an insensitive git though.) Then they had a big fight with the prisoners who only wanted food and enlightenment (and once again, I had to come to his rescue because this time he was being garrotted - these Musketeers don't seem to be very good at getting out of trouble by themselves), and then his large grouchy friend told me off for not having burned my father's papers - I think he'll find that I'm the literary executor round here, and there's jolly good precedent for not burning private papers after peoples' deaths. Even if it was their last instruction to you. To my surprise Athos told his big grouchy friend to stop banging on about it! Maybe he's trying to make up for being a bastard after all.

Anyway his friends left and we exchanged meaningful looks before his turned into one of those insufferable 'Really? I'm so disappointed in you' looks and he strode purposefully off. Well - I wasn't letting him have the last word look. So I went after him and I told him that the prisoners were just down on their luck and not dangerous while he made stupid 'not my decision' and 'just following orders' type replies. So I hit him with the 'All men are equal' argument and asked him what he wanted, and he stropped off again. He is so unenlightened and obviously doesn't care at all about liberty and fraternity. Or me. Obviously he is entirely shallow and has never been forced to confront the injustices of life before - and he doesn't like being called on it either. I am definitely not going to snog him again. Ever. Even if he is the FAFest of the FAF.

I spent the afternoon doing laundry, and absolutely not mentally re-living that rain-soaked snog we had at his place, and it definitely doesn't bother me in the slightest that he turned out to be an utterly FAF but completely unenlightened twatbadger. So he can definitely FRO. For sure. I wouldn't be interested now if he turned up on my doorstep and begged for forgiveness.

...

Well - you'll never guess: I came back to find him on my doorstep looking all tortured. He didn't say anything - just gazed at me in a meaningful way. But using my feminine intuition I realised that he's really sorry for being a prat, and does think that all men (and women - obviously) are equal and I'm completely right about everything after all. So I let him snog me for a bit. Result!

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Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Episode 5, Day 1 - Some more time later
FML - sodding useless Red Guard. They couldn't put a blind beggar in the stocks, never mind deal with a prison riot. On the plus side, some of the escapees headed for the refugee settlement - excellent excuse to accidentally bump into Sylvie whilst trying to root them out.

Ooops, turns out that refugees were actually in with Sylvie. Clever girl alerted us by pretending not to know us. I played along and got to be all masterful and whisk her away from danger. Was sure that she'd meet me for a drink after that! Or not. Dear God she just started banging on about social justice and liberty again. Dog's and Porthos' eyes were rolling out of their sockets and they stropped off with the prisoners because I told them that Sylvie def. didn't arrange the prison breakout just to get a bigger audience at her motivational talks. Which I thought was very supportive and generous of me. But then she just glared at me for disagreeing that the prisoners might have been in prison for a reason. So then so I tried Aramis' Stare, and that didn't work, and... FFS. I gave up and left. But then she followed me out and carried on demanding that I consider that the prisoners might not be dangerous or deserve to be in prison. Why TAF did Aramis tell her that I gave up my land and title? (I'm going to have words with him) now she seems to think that means I'm deeply into this whole 'liberty/fraternity' stuff that’s doing the rounds. Soon put her straight on that. Told her that I just couldn't be arsed with the hassle of it all (didn’t mention the whole 'I hung my wife and, on reflection, that might have been an overreaction' thing). Then she started on asking me what I wanted from my life. FFS. By that point - wine. I wanted wine. Or a nice armagnac. Or a shag actually. NOT introspection and social enlightenment. FML. Not going to go and see her again, it makes my head hurt. Never again. Staying well clear. Aramis is welcome to her. Or Porthos. Just not me. FFS. Bloody woman. I don't want to be socially enlightened. I want a quiet life and lots of alcohol, and Red Guards to beat up and laugh at.

So after all that ear-bashing, we had to sort out the prison break, stop the gold reserves being pilfered, deal with a mad loon who thought he was King, and watch Aramis and the Queen rolling about on the ground together. FML - just shoot me now would you? The King was less than grateful for our efforts and Dog was a complete wet blanket when we got back to the garrison - drinking wine, getting maudlin and demanding to know why it felt we were 'fighting for the wrong side'. FML – he’s as bad as Sylvie…

So I figured that if someone was going to make me question my life choices and demand that I have a social conscience then it might as well be someone I didn't mind snogging, so I hot-footed it back to Sylvie's. Unfortunately when I got there I had no idea of what to say so had to settle for looking confused and tortured. Fortunately this did the trick and she let me pounce on her without decking me. Result!
Wonder if she’s got any wine?

Helen WTAF are you doing in your boring admin jobs? You need to write comedy scripts. This is so so funny. It has cheered me right up.

Too many funny bits but very glad to know the captain also uses TAF.

Brava!

It's like a Dumas/Adrian Mole mash up.

helen - very funny! Esp Athos thinking that he could possibly rival Aramis in the use of The Stare

Helen that its totes brilliant!!! And what Fancy said!

Helen this is bloody hilaire. I totally agree with Comtess and the delectable mrB, you are wasted in your boringofficejob. Get writing properly

Brilliant Helen. Did you do that all in one go or have you been writing it as we go along? I can't even remember what happened in the last episode!

LOL helen - love it! Esp the Captain's Log.

Hmmm...values-wise they're not terribly well suited, are they! In terms of a date venue, she would clearly rather be on a political march, whereas he'd prefer to be down the pub...

Secret Diary of Sylvie, Part 5: Episode 6 - Yet more time passes...

Bastard! Utter Bastard. It all started off very nicely - some fun role playing - kept him tied up for a while last night to get my own back for that whole 'chained up outside the pub' thing. Though he seemed to rather enjoy it . For that matter, it was quite enjoyable for me too. After all, I am an assertive independent woman, and am in control of my own sexuality. Yep. For sure.

So having tied him up to make sure he didn't do a runner get my own back, now I can't get rid of him. Turns out he's a horny lazy sod though - never wants to get out of bed. Still, nice to know that I'm an irresistible sex goddess as well as a liberated, independent woman. Left Captain Lazybones in bed to go and get our breakfast, and who should I see but that creepy guy who offered me money. Was going to say 'good morning', but he just pushed straight past and blanked me - how rude! He obviously doesn't know about liberty and equality for all - let alone politeness to one's fellow citizens. Found out why though - he's obviously jealous of Athos, what with my new sex goddess status and all, because I came back to find him beating up the FAF One. Well he can FRO with that idea - if anyone gets to play kinky S&M games with the FAF One, it's me. So, I shot the creepy guy - twice (go me!) dusted down Athos (still FAF even when coated in bloody and dirt - oh yes, very much so...) and packed him off to do his duty at the Garrison. I had some important liberty/fraternity stuff to be getting one with anyway. Was slightly perturbed about the apparent bulletproof abilities of the Creep, and Athos obvs. knows nothing about guns after all because my second shot didn't 'go straight through him from that range'. Pfft. Men. What do they know, eh?

So, I spent the day as usual, and then met up with Athos for a romantic evening walk on a bridge - nice parapet, just the right height for leaning suggestively on - thought he might even be going to propose... and WTAF?!!! Fuckwit! The utter twatbadger. I let him out of my bed sight for less than 12 hours, and he's pulling the whole 'It's not you it's me' thing yet again! And after I stopped him from being garrotted this morning - how's that for gratitude? Bastard. Did he want to be garrotted - is that Creep actually his boyfriend and that fight was some S&M role play thing that I misread and interrupted. WTAF?!!! Bastard. And what about my needs as a woman now I've discovered my inner Sex Goddess? FFS - will I have to downgrade to the pretty beardy one? I hear he's usually up for it... FML. Well Athos is not the only one with 'Duties' - I need to educate my fellow citizens - that will teach him. Twat. He can FTFO.

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Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, Part 5: Episode 6 - Yet more time passes...

Oof - that Sylvie is a right handful - Feisty Female indeed. And def. likes being in charge. Bit bossy though - waking me up and rabbiting on about my 'duties' and 'King and country' stuff. That's my line, surely. Still, at least she knows her place - went to fetch my breakfast while I lounged about in bed. Unfortunately, before she got back I ended up in a big fight with some Stalker who was in a right strop about something. Was sure I recognised him - not one of my ex's - maybe one of hers? He was very cross anyway and I was embarrassingly close to losing due to his ungentlemanly tactics of hitting me over the head with a bottle/shoving me off the balcony/battering me with a shovel/garrotting me with a chain. Fortunately Sylvie came back and used him for target practise - albeit rather badly because she had two shots and he still escaped. (Note to self - sign Sylvie up for remedial target practise - though maybe not with Aramis).

Ended up back at the garrison with Constance mopping up the blood and Treville looking very grouchy that the others had gone off to a dubious al fresco picnic with old army contacts. So much for 'Acting like the Captain' and not going off on adventures, I'll have to go and fetch them back in case it's an ambush arranged by the Stalker. Treville has invited himself along as well - obviously doesn't want to miss the cucumber sarnies.

All headed off for a hard ride , with Treville making pointed comments about me being caught unarmed and unaware. Obviously just jealous because he's not getting any action. And apparently comments have been made about the amount of time I'm spending tied up elsewere. Bet that was Aramis - he's still jealous too. Anyway, got to the picnic - it appears the Gunpowder BBQ was ahead of its time and exploded, bringing the roof down on the gazebo and any food that was going spare. On the plus side we dug out Porthos and Dog, who were a bit dusty but otherwise remarkably unharmed for being buried under all the rubble - though weirdly babbling on about refusing to diet? Concussion I assume. Was a bit alarmed at the lack of Aramis, but apparently he's off on a male bonding trip with the King - not at all sure that was a good plan . And that also got Treville in a tizz - he was still grouchy about the lack of food and said we had to return immediately because Aramis and the King were bound to have cheese sarnies going spare. Plus he muttered something about an escaped waiter: 'Garcon is on the loose' or something - no idea what that was about - can't even blame that on concussion. So on the basis of humouring him, we tracked down Aramis and the King, who didn't have any food (FML - why did we bother?) but they were having a game of Death by Hide and Seek with the Stalker and his friends, which we joined in. Treville, of course, got ultra-competitive and took over (I think he'll find I'm Captain now), but the Stalker got away due to his Deflecting Buckle of Bulletproofness and invisibility cloak (Might need to sign myself up for remedial target practise as well).

We never did find where the Stalker was hiding, but we'll take that game as a 'win' since no-one fancied telling Kingy that he'd technically lost - the temper tantrum would have been monumental. And on the plus side, his Half-Royal Pain in the Arse Feron was the victim of a fatal disagreement with the Stalker - fantastic! On the down side, Kingy went on and on and on eulogising about how wonderful Feron was. We might have rolled our eyes just a teensy bit, but discretion is the better part of valour and all that, so we nodded and agreed. Or at least, didn't disagree. Not out loud.

We all ended up back at Treville's office for refreshments - mostly alcohol, it has to be said - result! And I found out that Minister WeMustTellEachOtherEverything had omitted to mention that Kingy is going to pop his clogs shortly, so his brother has absconded from the Bastille with the Stalker in order to sit his 'Treason 101' exams (aka 'How-to- Depose-your-Nephew-and-be-King').FFS, what a bloody farce. And honestly, he needn't have bothered - blabbermouth Aramis would have disinherited the Dauphin at the drop of a hat if he'd been asked. Was a little bit grouchy about it all and strode purposefully out before the food arrived (I also cancelled the food order on my way out - serves Treville right).

Of course, this all means that I have to save the day and shit, because no other sod is going to, so can't be doing with the distraction that the Feisty Female causes, and popped round this evening to dump her. Parroted her 'Duty to King and Country' speech from this morning back at her, and all of a sudden she disagrees with it and says I have the right to a private life and... something? I rather zoned out I'm afraid - suspected that liberty and fraternity were about to get an airing and lost the will to live. Bit of a shame, but still, at least I'll have more time to go drinking with the boys now. Bonus.

Athos's latest diary entry is teh best one yet - suspected that liberty and fraternity were about to get an airing and lost the will to live.

Downgrade, Helen?? DOWNGRADE?????

LOL Helen you are soooooo good at this, you have got such a great eye for detail. I love it, fgs don't stop

Finally got time to read and enjoy. Absolutely brilliant 😂. So much fun, thank you xx

Secret Diary of Sylvie, Part 6 (Episode 7 - Fools Gold)

Went to the Garrison today to pass on useful info about The Creep (apparently known as Grimaud). After all, it's the duty of all concerned and responsible citizens to help catch criminals. It especially didn't occur to me at all that if Grimaud is caught then Athos might be less angsty and consider coming round for more sex meaningful conversations about the penetration depth of bullets and Freedom/Equality/Justice For All.

His rather attractive friends all looked quite impressed with my investigative skills and superior knowledge of the criminal underclass, and mooched off nodding thoughtfully. This left me and Athos to exchange meaningful looks: he just stood there looking at my cleavage through my gappy blouse confused and tortured again, saying nothing (Ha! I'm not falling for that one again). And he didn’t even thank me for the hint on finding Grimaud. Emotionally constipated fuckwit. Am v. disappointed in him.

Still – onwards! Need to write my next motivational talk for the women’s group, all about self worth and how we are valuable human beings in our own right, and don’t need men to validate our existence. Too right. I should also work in something about how women are emotionally intelligent and thus quite capable of maintaining a civil relationship with their ex. - based purely on platonic friendship and mutual respect of course, not because you want to see them and are secretly hoping that they might fall at your feet and beg for forgiveness for being fuckwits.

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Secret Diary of Athos Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, (Episode 7 - Fools Gold)

Day 1
V. grouchy today – back hurts, arm hurts, head hurts. FML. Not missing Sylvie though. Definitely not. Can concentrate on being Captain again now instead of lolling about in bed having lots of sex meaningful conversations that made my head hurt.

Though actually, I couldn’t be arsed with Captaining this morning - too much effort. So I let d’Artagnan take the lead on interrogating the Stalker’s Minion. (The Stalker goes by the name of Grimaud, apparently.) d'Artagnan was surprisingly commanding, and went for the option of role-playing 'William Tell' with the cadets, with a side order of Aramis and Porthos playing Good Cop/Bad Cop. Which was very restrained I thought, especially after his picnic with Porthos was ruined (and I bet Constance gave him an earful about the state of his uniform afterwards). The Minion was mostly useless, and very obnoxious, so I thumped him at the end once Dog finished not killing him. Which hurt my arm even more. FML. Still, am struggling manfully on - I am the Captain after all.

Was discussing venues for a male bonding/camping trip with the boys when who should turn up but Sylvie. Think she was hoping for an invite, but I played it cool and made sure she knew that I’m Not Missing Her at all. She gave us some hints on good campsites and picnic spots, then went off looking like a kicked puppy. Am absolutely not feeling at all conflicted though - it's for the good of France after all. I can't be distracted from being Captain, and I definitely don't miss all that distracting sex conversation about my life choices and priorities.

Anyway, off on the camping trip with the boys. d’Artagnan and Porthos immediately managed to get themselves tangled up with some local girl guides who were out trying to earn their 'Advanced Camping' and 'Survival' badges. Aramis tried some highly inappropriate humour about how he’s already got his 'Pinoneer Activity' badge for imaginative use of ropes (and nearly got his leg taken off for his pains) so of course it was left to yours truly to make placatory comments about equality and supporting women’s rights and Not Being Like Other Men (some of Sylvie’s witterings turned out to be helpful at least. Not that I miss her at all. Nope.)

Eventually they agreed to let us have a pitch in the corner of their site. Which, on reflection might have been a mistake. Campsite full of women... and Aramis. FML, if Constance is complaining about the food bill at the Garrison, just wait until the maintenance demands arrive because Aramis has got them all pregnant. FFS. Even Porthos was making eyes at one of them, but she was already pregnant so at least the Garrison won't be billed for that one. Anyway, they still weren’t very welcoming, though they did eventually provide some ale and stew to go with our campfire (one of them was earning their 'Outdoor Cooking' badge apparently). No-one volunteered to earn their First Aid badge sorting out my injuries though. Pfft. So much for promising 'to help other people'.

Day 2
Dog discovered that one of the guides was really a scout , who had infiltrated their company from a nearby camp. I'd had enough of the unwelcoming harpies girl guides by then, so left Aramis and Porthos to get them pregnant sort that out, and went for a ride to look for the picnic spot that Sylvie mentioned. Managed to fall off Roger while contemplating the gap in Sylvie's blouse (oops) and had to lurch through the woods using my sword as crutch.
On the plus side, I did find Grimaud’s holiday cottage (not very salubrious - a bit run down and cobwebby to be honest). On the down side, I got locked in the cottage by an Aged Crone– all very Hansel and Gretel. Fortunately the door was no match for my cunning plan of simply throwing a bench at it, so I got out without much bother. The Aged Crone turned out to be the Stalker’s No.1 fan, and didn’t appreciate me saying he should have been drowned at birth. She whacked me over the head then got a bit stabby because I sat on her - jabbed me with a poisoned spindle. FFS, I am NOT role-playing Sleeping Beauty as well as Hansel and Gretel. She needs to make her mind up which fairy tale she wants to be in. Actually it reminded me of Milady, though fortunately the Crone hadn't been to the same poison shop, since all I got was a case of delirium and the shakes, not foaming at the mouth and imminent death. Eventually the boys turned up and carted me back to the campsite where I got tucked up in a bed for the night. Had most peculiar dreams which involved Grimaud alternately lurking and stalking about, and Sylvie looking concerned and alluring, and traipsing about in a floaty nightdress.

Day 3
Woke up feeling much perkier – think they sorted out my back while I was asleep too. Got nice cuddles from the boys as well. Aww . Though Aramis made snide comments about my dreams Obviously still jealous re. Sylvie, even though I dumped her to concentrate on captaining, and am not missing her in the slightest - despite what my subconscious might think.

The girl guides turned out to be involved in some sort of ongoing feud with the local boy scouts – raiding each other’s campsites and such like. Very juvenile. So we helped sort that out while Porthos tried to earn his 'Midwifery' badge. Think he did ok, but his patient said he was probably more use in general as a musketeer. Anyway, back off to Paris, without the Stalker, but with an assortment of surviving scouts in tow who were earning their 'Being A Prisoner' badges. If nothing else, they might stop Roger doing another runner.