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Original poster

Sexless relationship problems

21 replies

ginge0407 · 14/03/2015 21:10

Awful situation partner is depressed and has lost all sex drive. Seeing a doctor has had bloods done he gets the results next week. Doctor has arranged counseling for him. Due to get married in a couple of months..... Love him to bits just scared of ending up in a sexless marriage

OP posts:

Original poster

ginge0407 · 14/03/2015 21:22

Please can someone give me some constructive advice????
I've been with my fiancé for 18 months we are due to get married in 4 months time. At the beginning our sex life was fantastic but since a massive family bust up on his side and him getting depressed it's really been hardly nothing the last 6 months. He still is turned on and without being crude he can't cuddle me without getting a semi on. He's well endowed and it does hurt to have sex for both of us. We also like rough sex so this doesn't help. I love him to bits and he's now under the doctor and starting counseling. Do you think I'm safe to go through with marrying him I know this might sound awful and I'm not a bitch. I will support him through anything but selfishly I can't long term be in a sexless relationship. I'm far to highly sexed for that. I just wish things were ok again it's so hard when there's nothing wrong with us but his family are awful.

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MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 21:27

Bless you. Without sounding crude if hes getting a semi on when cuddling you that to me is a very positive sign. I would cut him some slack hun.

Original poster

ginge0407 · 14/03/2015 21:39

I don't want to come across as a bitch and like I say I love him to bits. I just feel sometimes like I'm carrying everything and then I get scared I'm going the wrong thing. I've bedn married before and have 2 kids so I'm worried that I could make a mistake again. It just hurts and makes me feel so upset

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DaisyRaine90 · 14/03/2015 21:47

It seems like this is just a phase from what you've said. Hopefully the counselling will help. Depression can affect people in lots of ways, but with counselling and/or Antidepressants that can turn around really quickly. Can you find a way to get your needs met while at the same time giving him the time he needs to work on his depression? There is more than one way to get your kicks x

Original poster

ginge0407 · 14/03/2015 22:15

Thank you. I'm hoping that speaking to someone will help as he's suffered with depression before we got together took antidepressants and they didn't work. The doctor has suggested talking might help. In his head it seems like he thinks this councellor will have a magic wand, depression is tough but at the end of the day I and a doctor, councellor etc can support but only he can sort out how he feels inside. He has to stop burying his head in the sand and face up to things and he struggles so much with this. I will do all I can to help him. His family treat him like shit his ex uses his child as a weapon against him. He explained to the doctor how much he loves me and wants to marry me and have s baby together and assures me it's not a problem with us. I do think his family have treated him no better than a stay dog

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MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:18

He's obviously got alot on his mind and feeling very low. I know exactly what hes going thro. Ive suffered a big family bust up with my side of the family and it troubles my mind 24/7. He's suffering with a mental illness, why would that make you think marriage is going to be sexless?.

Original poster

ginge0407 · 15/03/2015 09:29

Your right and Thank you for making me see that I'm being selfish worrying about it. I just need to give him love and support and hopefuly he will come out the other side the happy person he was. His Dad has suffered with sever depression for years and that worries me. His mum told me he's just like his dad and will never be any good which angers me and makes me sad. He's my world along with my kids

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FrugalFashionista · 15/03/2015 12:16

There is a great book, 'Mating in captivity', by Esther Perel. Really recommend it to better undestand your situation.

Original poster

ginge0407 · 15/03/2015 14:12

Thank you

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MummyBtothree · 15/03/2015 14:32

I feel for you're whole situation. You said you're father in law suffered depression for years, im not suprised hearing how your mum in law speaks to people, she sounds like a narcissist like my mother xx

Original poster

ginge0407 · 15/03/2015 20:44

It's hard for me as I couldn't wish for better parents, they are so supportive and always there. Dive we've been together it's hurt him more how him family treat him seeing me with mine. I do feel to blame initially I stuck up for him and I wasn't rude but I did tell his family they were not supporting him (basically the mother of his son wants him to give his share of the house he purchased and has paid the mortgage on for 11 years to her for nothing) I stand by him and if that's what he thinks is right then go ahead. But a disagreement between his ex and him broke out his family got involved and after 6 months of them telling me how much of a bitch she is and to watch her she was suddenly the best thing since sliced bread!!!!! My fiancé was due to be godfather for his niece and the week before his mum rang to tell him they were now inviting his ex! He was gutted and looking forward to being a godfather and our first big family event. He was so hurt they never have anything to do with her usually so it was a big fuck you to is both. He messaged his sister to say how hurt he was and that if she was going he wasn't attending plus to top it off we had our engagement party the Saturday night before the christening on the Sunday none of his family attended. His mum dropped his son off at the party she walked in bold as brass my fiancé asked her to stay she said no and walked out humiliating him in front of all our work colleagues, my family and all our friends. I'm honestly pulling my hair out with it all

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MummyBtothree · 15/03/2015 21:05

It really does put a strain on a relationship. My whole family turning their backs on me dominates my thoughts 24/7, I daresay this is the root of the problem with your dh x

Original poster

ginge0407 · 15/03/2015 21:20

How do you cope with it? If you don't kind me asking? Is your partner supportive and does it effect your life?

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MummyBtothree · 16/03/2015 01:20

I dont mind you asking at all, I struggle to be honest. I feel like whatever I do i will never please everybody. Ive definitely lost my 'sparkle' and dont have great self esteem these days. You are being a great partner by realising he needs your support. Its caused a huge rift with me and dh

Original poster

ginge0407 · 16/03/2015 23:40

Have you had any help? We've been back to the doctors tonight, his hormone levels are fine so the lack of sex drive is down to his depression. I'm hoping an appointment will come through this week git the councellor..... I really want to support him and reassure him how much I love him, tell him together we will get through this. I know he needs to in his own time draw a line under it and try and be happy in his own life I know what his mum has done has hurt him but I don't want it to hurt us. If he's not careful all this will destroy us! We need to move on and be happy. I don't want to be feeling like this at a time when I should be happy and looking forward to getting married in a couple of months ??

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ThinkingOutLouder · 21/03/2015 19:37

It's vise versa & we are married with 3 kids. My libido vanished when I had my eldest, so prob the stress etc of having a newborn. It's never really returned & I've had a couple of bouts of depression, which never helps. My hubby has extremely high sex drive so it's been very frustrating for him & a very very testing time for us both. I can't explain it other than I just feel dead in that sense, I just don't get horny anymore & it kills me, I use to be like my hubby. I'm on therapy for it but nothing working so far & anti-d's but just watch out for those - as some can decrease sex drive. We still have intimacy, as if we didn't nothing would happen & we'd get nowhere so at least we trying & I make the effort. Who knows maybe one day it'll flick back on like a light switch! Depression can play a huge part in this though, as my counsellor once said, if there is no lust for life, How can there be lust in bedroom. Be patient, your doing great, I'm sure he appreciates your support, don't pressure him and I'm sure things will turn around soon x

MummyBtothree · 21/03/2015 23:49

'If he's not careful all this will destroy us' rings alarm bells to me. If you not getting the sex you want is enough to end your relationship (passing blame onto him not yourself) then I think you are already doomed. That shouldnt end your relationship but strengthen your bond.

VenusRising · 22/03/2015 00:11

OP sorry if this is brief and rushed.
Have you thought of delaying the wedding and seeing how things work out with his counselling ADs and family. There's no rush is there?

I'm not sure I'd go ahead if I was you, it sounds quite complicated.

Why don't you just continue as you are and after a year of counselling see how he is. Have some counselling yourself too.

A sexless marriage isn't one I'd go willing into- it's a real deal breaker.

Original poster

ginge0407 · 22/03/2015 20:28

It's so hard and very confusing. It is a life choice and I've chisen to commit to him and I love him more than anything. I want to support him calling off the wedding or postponing will only make him worse and I don't want to not marry him. I just want to make him feel better. Life isn't all about sex I know that but it is important but not important enough not to marry him. When I said destroy us i ment with his family causing problems and making him down they are getting what they want, he's had the most awful upbringing with a very cruel stepdad. I'm not giving up on him no matter what it takes.
Thank you all for your replys

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Original poster

ginge0407 · 28/07/2015 16:36

I'm due to get married a week on Saturday to my fiancé who I love obviously, he's suffering with depression and has had surgery on his manhood which has now healed. We haven't had sex for 5 months in fact no intacmscy at all. He does kiss me and tells me I'm beautiful and is always cuddling me and holding my hand. I know he loves me but I'm scared it could be like this forever. I'm not saying sex is the be all and end all but it is important to me. Please can anyone advise? I want to continue supporting him it's just so hard at times.

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Reubs15 · 02/08/2015 10:41

To me intimacy is cuddling/kissing/holding hands. Try and talk to him about it but don't force it. 5 months is a long time and I wouldn't want to be in a sexless relationship either. My oh went through a period like this due to a vitamin D deficiency and he was also under a lot of stress.
The family situation sounds awful, he needs to cut contact whilst he gets better in my opinion.

Also, the wedding night might be what he needs to get things started again

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