How do I fix this/what would you do/what would you want? / rant

[notauniquename]

My wife and I aren't great at buying for each other, so rather than just guess have provided each other with a basic few things that we might like, where we could chose some all or non from that list.
But there wouldn't be much surprise with only getting what you'd specifically asked for, so I decided to get a couple of things that weren't on that list...

My wife is pregnant, and is getting more "body concious" as pregnancy continues...
So I decided that it'd be nice to get her something to wear "in bed"
no it's not underwear (I'm neither that brave nor stupid)
SO... I was looking for something that looked nice, and make her feel good about herself and would be comfortable...
The idea behind it would be to sort of say, "Even though you don't think you are great I do, I still fancy you" sort of thing...
(that was the first mistake)
What I got basically, on the website looked like a nice, and long, and not at all see through night dress type thing.
(The second mistake was getting it from the Ann Summers website.)
Additionally, I'm told that as pregnancy goes on that she's going to start aching, so I bought a "massage stick" so that if her back hurts I can rub it etc.

What has been delivered is far from what I imagined...

The "night wear" is not the 'pyjama esq' yet still a little bit sexy thing that a bump would fit into, it's more like something that you may expect to see worn inside a red window in Amsterdam. It's clearly a lot shorter than the one displayed on the website (as it's have just been porn otherwise) it looks like it might be semi see through, there would be more subtlety in sticking a postit to her hear saying "I would", it's just not nice, it wasn't cheap but it looks like it came off a market. in fact more than sticking a note to her saying "I would", it's more like sticking a note to her saying "anyone could".

And then the "massage bar/stick" looks like a deodorant and smells like a toilet freshener.

So the question here...
Do I give her the gifts, quickly backed up with an explanation of what on earth I was thinking, and the receipts so that she can take it back? (to let her know I tried, but failed)

Or do I just not give her the gifts/quietly destroy them/send them back? (and let her think that I didn't even try)

I think BEFORE you hand over the gifts you tell her that it was an utter disaster and you want to sue the company for misrepresentation of goods and that you will take her shopping as soon as she wants to she can pick something out herself.

Hopefully she will enjoy taking the piss out of you and laugh hysterically!

Is 'massage stick' a new euphemism for a vibrator?

Yes, you need to return a scented one (oh the itchiness) so don't undo the packaging. But should be good for a giggle first.

Try John Lewis, not Ann Summers, for snuggly nighties in future.

I have bought her "toys" before, but that was a case where she was at an Ann Summers party I gave her my credit card number...

Suffice to say I'm aware of what men find sexy [to look at] and what women find sexy [to wear] are [often] different...
Perhaps if I'd intended to go buy something sexual I'd have chosen something like that, but that wasn't the point. It was meant to be something nice for her to make her feel good about herself, as it is it's probably going to look like I've bought something for her to "dress up" for me...

No, "massage stick" isn't a euphemism. (sadly because it'd be a fun one)
In Lush shops you can buy massage bars, they are like a soft but solid soap bar, they even make them in heart shapes very romantic... which when held in the hand or rubbed on the skin the bodies heat melts them and releases massage oils, nice for a back rub... (they are mostly made of coco butter with is supposed to be really good for helping stop stretch marks and such. and come in nice smells)

So think that, but in a package that looks like some sort of deodorant/speed stick type thing. or a really big pritt stick. (also not made of coco butter.)

I suppose the idea of rubbing a big pritt stick over someone does rather limit the "sexual nature" of the present, perhaps I should have wrapped both together!

She does enjoy a thorough piss taking of me... so I'll just fess up to what I've done. hopefully she'll appreciate the sentiment. I wrapped it, but left it in the packaging as I'm so very positive that she'll hate it and want to leave no reason to not be able to return it...

I can't say as I'll ever make the mistake of going to the Ann Summers website again, I had this feeling in my mind that they were meant to be good quality...
(I'd be less worried if they were just as "sexual" but better quality, but these just feel cheap).

I had also bought her a "night shirt" from there as I think that a button able shirt will probably be easier to work for night feeds, that doesn't suffer from the "cliched cheap sex appeal" as the other things, but still doesn't feel quality.

John Lewis it is in future :) I wouldn't have had to wait until Christmas eve for delivery as I could have just walked to the nearest Waitrose for click and collect too!