Can you think of any situation where you would voluntarily leave your children?

[rickman]

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Or indeed of women who are absolutely sure that they are the right people to be looking after their children.

There is still a really strongly held perception (I find) that mothers will automatically get residence unless they are unfit parents. Which I am told by very eminent family lawyers is simply not true any more.

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I've given this a lot of thought as my mum left her son (who was 7 at the time) from her first marriage to move in with my father. Me and my brother didn't find out about this until John (our half brother) turned up on the doorstep one day having traced mum.

They met up a few times and mum even met her "new" grandchildren, John's wife etc but she then came home one day to a note through the door saying that he no longer wanted to see her. He said that he had just wanted to show her that he had done well for himself despite her leaving him and then being put in a home by his father who couldn't look after him as he was in the RAF (this was the reason he gave John anyway).

I can't imagine what he must have gone through at the time mum left and he is obviously still affected by what happened. I must admit I find it very hard to understand how my mum could have done what she did as there was no domestic violence etc - she was just very unhappy with John's father.

No..I really can't think of any situation where I'd leave my DSs.

I was heartbroken to spend the night away from DD1 when I had DD2 and stayed in hospital to get help w/bfing.

I cried when DD1 was ill in January and spent all evening in bed and her little toys were in the living room all untouched.

NO WAY I could leave them for any reason besides illness, war, etc.

misspiggy - but what if you have the choice of your ds being adopted of living with his father? I know I am not a bad mother, and never harmed ds and they never said that I did or would. They even stated how much I loved him but they had kept him with his dad whilst I was ill and said he was settled and it was me being selfish wanting him home. I never choose for ds to live with his dad and I am one of the lucky ones who got him back.

This wasnt uncommon years ago when sinlge parenthood was frowned on.

The articale in the paper is not what I mean by the way, that is a diff situation. However there are times when you have to make decisions to make the best of a dreadful situation.

btw, he is with me now full time and no I couldnt imagine ever voluntary giving him up. I love him completely and utterly. I almost cant remeber the pain I felt apart from him as I have blocked it out and it is almost like another perosnas experience.

Ds is tho very happy and content and enjoys a good relationship with me and his dad, altho he is reluctant to see his dad at times. When the roles were reversed tho he would cling to me and not want to go back to his dads, that is when I first started posting on here as I wanted him home so badly but couldnt risk court action for fear of losing him completley. The res order is still in ex-p name altho ds doesnt live there. So firghtened of going thro the courts to get it voided incase they take him again.

btw just to re-afrim I have never ever harmed a child in anyway and am now cmpletley mentally sound (as any parent can be) complelted my nurse training and no current or history of risky behaviours, so there is absolutley no reason for them to take him. Thing is the main diff then from now is that I had severe PND.

awen, you've been through a lot

well done to you on getting through it and getting him back

your posts are very moving

I agree it's not always black and white, in certain situations a child may well be better off with the father. Doesn't always follow that a mother is the better parent or the more nurturing one.

I think everyone has had a fleeting thought of just sodding off and leaving everyone to it in the heat of the moment, but the reality must be very different.

Never, voluntarily.

Sounds awful Awen, so glad you got him back.

Me too, but many out there haven't.

Been thinking more on this topic, made me think of the baby Madonna just adopted and that the childs dad said he is happy that his child was adopted as better chance of a better life. How horrendous to life in that sort of poverty that you would give up your child.

awen - your situation must have been incredibly difficult to deal with and you made a very unselfish decision with your child's well being your top priority which, IMO, is what a mother should do. I apologise if my post upset you in any way.

My MIL handed over her 2 boys aged 7 and 9 to their Father and his new wife as she could not cope anymore. She packed them a suitcase, bundled them in the car and arrived on his door stop saying he could have them. She is s a very selfish person and it has scared particularly my dh for all of his life. He has an odd perecption of most women caused by how his mother behaved when he was young. It is not ever discussed why she did this or how she justify's it, tbh I would love to ask her to try and understand her reasons. Personally I would walk over fire to keep my kids with me. It must be the ultiamte rejection if your own mother doesn't want/love you.

misspiggy - you didnt upset me. I guess I feel more defensive as altho it is the only option i had still didnt feel right as all I wanted was my ds home with me where i knew he belonged.

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awen -

Actually for most of the first year after ds was born I wanted to leave almost daily. I had fantasies about walking out and never coming back. I did have quite bad PND though.

Now I wouldn't leave him voluntarily unless I genuinely belived it was in his best interest and would always maintain contact even if I did leave.

I can actually imagine quite a few scenarios where it is in the child's best interest for their mother not to be their primary carer.

However I can think of very few examples (most of them quite extreme) where it is in the child's best interest to lose contact completely with their mother.

or father - come to that

Rickman, some women are just like that. There was no real reason why my mother couldn't take care of us, see us more often, other than I think, she talked herself into thinking we were better off and that she was doing ok. Maybe the other woman's not got a great grip of reality? I'd say my mother is selfish in the extreme and very often goes all dramatic about quite simple situations.

NEVER, unless I lost my mind and got violent, but I guess that would be a decision taken out of my hands and rightly so to protect him.

Pruni - your mother sounds similar to mine. Very much the drama queen and able to persuade herself that what she is doing is best for everyone when it is quite often only in her own best interest.

Some of her other decisions over the years have been breathtakingly selfish but she doesn't see it that way at all.

I find that I over-compensate with my DSs as I'm afraid of turning out like my mum.