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Original poster

Can you think of any situation where you would voluntarily leave your children?

101 replies

rickman · 07/10/2006 14:33

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OP posts:
YeahBat · 07/10/2006 21:51

FG, we have tried, however we have been hugely hampered by the fact that Glasgow Social Services have destroyed all of the records pertaining to my dad and his family. This was pretty hard for my dad to hear, kind of like the end of the road. If the records had still been around, at least he would have been able to get some idea of the reasons behind the breakdown of the family and why he and his siblings ended up in care.

Elf1981 · 07/10/2006 21:51

My biological father left when I was under a year old, didn't see him again until I was 18 at my granddad's funeral (his father).
Completely fucked me up when I was growing up. He was a mythical figure, I always thought life would be better with him. I hated not knowing why he'd left. Hard to work out why a man who is supposed to love you unconditionally can just walk away and not care. How at a funeral can say to other family relatives that he didn't come talk to me because he thought I should make the first move. I have the most amazing step dad (with my mum from when I was about two) but it took until I was about 22 to accept that it was not my fault. And I could never inflict that on my daughter. If DH&I were ever to split, he'd see her regularly, because he'd want to make up for the shite relationship he had with his dad after his parents split.

Original poster
rickman · 07/10/2006 21:54

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frumpygrumpy · 07/10/2006 22:07

No worries about the mix up.

I agree it is a little strange.....as one who would die before leaving my kids I'd be really interested to know (but not making any judgements because it is personal) why she feels ok with it.

YeahBat, thats just awful, so hard for him to carry. My mum is scared of opening up a can of worms if she is alive and would be devastated to find out she'd died. Also, I don't think her adoptive mum could cope with it. I wish your dad and my mum some sort of closure at some point, although I think thats a long shot xx.

Original poster
rickman · 07/10/2006 23:15

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superloopy · 07/10/2006 23:53

The though of not being with my DD has always broken my heart. Last year I spent 2 month is hospital with a really serious rare illness. None of my doctors knew exactly how to treat me or how long I would take to recover or if I would be able to take care of even myself afterwards.
I found that with all of this to contend with and the physical pain I was in that being away from my DD was the most horrific.
She was only 10 months old at the time and though she was being well cared for by my Mum, MIL, close friend and DH, I suffered.
Thankfully I have made a full recovery and now expecting a LO next year.

kama · 08/10/2006 00:01

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Original poster
rickman · 08/10/2006 15:16

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Original poster
rickman · 11/10/2006 22:57

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handlemecarefully · 11/10/2006 23:03

Re the mother featured in the news article in the link - full on judgement mode I'm afraid, but what a selfish superficial bitch. However, undoubtedly the children are better off without her

LadyDooM · 12/10/2006 10:39

I could not exist without my children. Yes they run me ragged, and drive me mad, they break the bank and need constant attention. But I wouldn't trade it for anyone or anything. I can't understand how any mother could leave her children, or hurt them. But, the kids are actually better off away from mothers like that.That has to affect a child to feel like their mom didnt care enough to stay. Its actually really sad...

postinginnewname · 12/10/2006 11:12

This Happened to my Dh, he had a Dd from a previous relationship (never married to Dd's mum), mums 2 mates turned up on our doorstep, said Mum was ill can you take Dd(7) for a while, Dad (who had Dd every weekend) says yes.
Mum saw Dd for one evening a week for a couple of months, then dissapeared.

6 years later she turns up armed with sols letters demanding contact. Dd now 13 wants none of it, so off we go to court.

Mum was given an indirect contact order Dd half heartedly wrote back a few times, explained to Mum that she wasnt ready for contact yet but may feel different when she is older.

Mum got the hump said she wasn't going to write again and she hasn't.

Dd is adamant now that she wont see Mum ever, is happy with us and step brothers and sisters.

She is a mature, thoughtful, kind girl who believes she is better off without her Mum in her life and that I'm afraid is her Mums fault.

What makes a woman treat her own child like this?

TinyGang · 12/10/2006 11:16

On a different note - would you have evacuated them during the war if it was considered safer for them?

joelallie · 12/10/2006 11:20

No.

Don't care if I'm being judgemental but that woman in the DM seems like a total cow. I am ashamed to be marching the the DM's tune as I imagine that is what they want us all to think. You have kids and they become the most important thing in your life - more important than your partner, your parents, your friends, and their needs come above everything else. She was happier away from then in Spain ...well so what? Were they happier? Did she care?

Bugsy2 · 12/10/2006 11:27

When I was very depressed after ex-H left us all, I could have left my children. I was so numb & they were so hard to cope with, I would have walked away if I had anyone to leave them with. However, I didn't want to leave them for ever, just for a while.
Feels awful to remember that now. Horrible time.

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 12/10/2006 11:27

There's an old thread about this. Also started after an article in the DM...So not conforming to stereotype there eh?
Lots of MNers mothers had left (mine incl.)

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 12/10/2006 11:30

I know a woman that left her 4 and 5 yr old dc's to live with and have a baby with her lover. She had twins and now has left the lover with the twins and is working as an escort whilst living with her new boyfriend She is not, to my knowledge, addicted to drugs, she just likes the money.

Dp's ex discarded her 14 yr old son because her boyfriend diddn't like him. He lives with us and she hardly ever even rings him and shows no interest in his life, silly woman as he is a fabulous young man.

MamaMaiasaura · 12/10/2006 11:36

Rickman, I am sure some parents thought about me like that a few years back tho. I didnt voluntary leave ds, he was taken at 1 year of age whilst i was in psychaitric hospital, severe PND. He was put with dad who was told I would never recover by the SW so he had to choose between us. Absolutely correctly he chose ds. Spnet many years going through courts to obtain residency, was basically caught between rock and hard place. HAd to say I was happy with ds to live with ex-p and that I supported this placement to allow me to have more contact. It completely broke my heart and I never ever for one second didnt want ds back with me. Time passed and ex-p offered for ds to come back home to me so he does live with me now (has for quite some time_. But the whole thing was horrendous and totally not by choice but if I had kept pursuing residency I would not have gained contact.

Sometimes it isnt always clear cut and family courts are tricky places.

sandyballs · 12/10/2006 11:40

I've started a post on this before because I find it very very hard to understand how a woman can voluntarily leave her children.

My brother's new wife left her husband and four boys to set up home with DB. They were all under 12 at the time and totally devastated. This was 3 years ago and they are still bitter and resentful about it - thankfully they have a wonderful father who is doing a brilliant job bringing them up. Their mum sees them two weekends a month, more like an auntie than a mum IMO.

I have tried very hard to get along with my new SIL and I have tried hard not to judge her, but at the back of my mind there is always that question "how could you do it" - she has just put her own happiness before her children.

They had a big wedding in the spring of this year and her boys were all page boys, and I found her youngest boy (who is 7) crying in the grounds of the hotel whilst the speeches went on. He said to me "there is no chance of her ever coming back now is there". His uncle (SIL's brother) was trying to console him, by saying "well mummy is happy now isn't she, you want her to be happy don't you etc etc". All I could think is what about his happiness, he's 7 years old .

This is making me cry just writing this. Nothing on this earth would make me leave my daughters, I know I couldn't live without them in my life every day.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 12/10/2006 11:47

My happiness is intrinsically linked with my dd's, I can't remember who said 'you can only ever be as happy as your unhappiest child'. Very true imo.

diNOLOOKINGOVERYOURSHOULDERsau · 12/10/2006 11:51

In answer to your question, Rickman, if a woman is advised that she is very unlikely to get residence of her children if her marriage breaks down, but she feels that her mental/physical health is being endangered by staying with her partner, it would surely be better for her to move out and do what she can to preserve her health and sanity so that she is, at least, still around for her kids, even if she cannot have them living with her .

motherinferior · 12/10/2006 11:52

There have been times when I've seriously felt my daughters would be better off without me, yes. And when DD1 was small and I was fighting with her father the option I suggested was moving out to live on my own.

I am not a very good mother.

MeAndMyBoy · 12/10/2006 11:55

Oh sandyballs - that breaks my heart that poor little chap

I did consider leaving DS & DH when he was a baby but I had undiagnosed PND and wasn't coping and noone was listening and it was only a fleeting thought one night as I walked out of the door to go shopping.

postinginnewname · 12/10/2006 11:56

There are reasons for leaving your children, but to turn your back even on contact? thats my point with Dsd, mum did not want to know until 6 years later.

If contact had been maintained then I'm sure our story would have had a different ending.

diNOLOOKINGOVERYOURSHOULDERsau · 12/10/2006 11:59

There are probably many mums (I certainly am one) who are of anyone who knows they would get residence of their children in the event of a break-up.