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Original poster

tearful phone call from son at new school

53 replies

miggy · 31/08/2006 21:41

Feeling wretched now, just had phonecall from DS1 who started senior school weds and is boarding till friday. Apparently he is being picked on for not swearing and breaking rules and has found out that everyone has to be in at least 7 rugby matches agaainst other schools this term, on saturdays, so basically give up his sats to do something he hates and is terrified of.
He is not a "normal" child, incredibly bright, accelerated a year but terrible at sports and rigid in his behaviour-cannot swear/break rules/eat certain foods/cant bear dirt or germs/ wont touch animals etc. Im sure he is aspergers/dyspraxic spectrum somewhere but have never gone for diagnosis as he has got on so well at his previous school, they just sort of accepted him as himself, but then they had grown up with him. Now he has gone to a new school, with 13yr old boys all trying to be cool. I stupidly didnt see how hard it was going to be for him and feel awful.
Its not a home sickness thing, he has boarded before and happily gone off for residential music/drama courses alone.
Have emailed his house master but dont see how he can fix things
bugger bugger bugger

OP posts:
StinkyPete · 31/08/2006 21:44

o crap. don't have any advice, just wanted to send you (and him) a virtual hug.

colditz · 31/08/2006 21:45

personally I'd pull him out and send him to the local. He'll still get arse for not swearing but his weekends will be his own.

Twiglett · 31/08/2006 21:46

can you bring him home?

MoreTeaAnyone · 31/08/2006 21:47

I'd do the same colditz, especially if you think he may have ASD. The older he gets the more unfair other kids will be.

hoxtonchick · 31/08/2006 21:48

how horrid for both of you miggy

Crackle · 31/08/2006 21:48

In my experience, the Saturday sports won't be compulsory especially as he isn't sporty. They will be heavily encouraged to maintain team size but not compulsory.

They are really arranged to keep foreign borders busy at the weekend, not weekly boarders.

I hope he gets some reassurance soon. The boys will settle down, 13yo boys are notoriously pack animals but not bitchy like 13yo girls.

tiredemma · 31/08/2006 21:49

oh god- I would go straight there and bring him home- I would not be able to sleep a night thinking of him being there so sad.

yoyo · 31/08/2006 21:54

Have you made his HM aware of his concerns and particular behaviours? He may not be able to fix things but should be able to talk to your son and give him some coping strategies. Does he have a tutor? The HM may be swamped at the start of term so it may be worth contacting his tutor if he has one. What about the matron? They are often very good and usually make excellent hot chocolate! (That isn't meant to sound flippant as I can understand your anxiety.)

Hope you are able to talk to him over the w/e and that he will have met less "look at how cool I am " boys by then. Is he in a dorm with them? It might be worth looking into the possibility of him moving to another dorm if it begins to affect his sleep.

Original poster
miggy · 31/08/2006 22:04

Thanks for the support guys, it does help esp when Dh is being "mannish" about it.
I have emailed the housemaster. Havent gone to pick him up as he didnt want me to and I didnt want to make him look babyish. I did say that he didnt have to board next week but he said he will, but we can talk about that over the weekend. its only 20 mins drive and he is only going to board 3 nights a week, but even if they dont board they have to be there at 8am and the earliest they finish is 6pm so it will be a huge chunk of his life.
Wish I had sent him to the local secondary now, stupidly the reason I didnt was that I thought he would get bullied! At least it would have only been till 3.30 there.

OP posts:
MoreTeaAnyone · 31/08/2006 22:06

Could you change his school? At least in the local school you can talk to staff quickly and you'd have your boy at home.

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 31/08/2006 22:19

Poor little guy, try and keep his dad out of the way this weekend if he's liable to make the lad clam up to be manly too.
Definitely start investigating alternatives and getting him tested, this school sounds totally unsuitable for someone so sensitive. Trying not to sound rude because boarding is such an alien concept to me but did you not ask the school about the things he might find difficult when you went to look round?

SherlockLGJ · 31/08/2006 22:22

LGJ sits on her hands having deleted a post.

jollymum · 31/08/2006 22:22

I'd pull him out too. If he's only 20 mins away, why is he boarding? ASD etc will get picked on and at least at the local school he'll be home to talk. Sorry if that sounds rude, don't know the circumstances etc. Sending you hugs. xx

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 31/08/2006 22:26

Actually a local comp will probably have a higher percentage of kids with special needs so they won't be such a novelty. More likely to get picked on for having the wrong mobile phone.

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 31/08/2006 22:27

Sorry that sounded really flippant. What I meant is they'll have more SENCOs and ideally a whole school anti-bullying policy.

Original poster
miggy · 31/08/2006 22:29

BofD-He is only boarding 3 nights a week and has been boarding 2 nights a week at prev school-by choice ( I was there picking up Siblings anyway!). The thing is that at this type of school, you miss out if you dont board. The earliest you can leave is 6pm but most stay for tea and prep, thats 8.30 then theres music/play rehearsals etc so even if they dont board they kind of live there anyway. Boarding 3 nights was his choice.
Naively I just didnt appreciate how big the problem would be. At his previous school, he had been there since nursery and was just accepted for who he was. Also he is the only teenage boy I have and very very stupidly/naively I didnt realise how much swearing/rule breaking would be going on, I thought the behaviour would be nicer/kinder. I concentrated on the things that I knew would be a problem, like the food and thought he would "slot in"
Thing is he Loves school, its his passion, at his last school, he was lead role in school plays, in choir,orchestra, head chapel reader, newspaper editor, prefect ie "mr X school" so I hadnt realised how much the school and his peer group let him blend in, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Californifrau · 31/08/2006 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PanicPants · 31/08/2006 22:31

I'd go and get him as well, while it's still early enough not to make too much of a disruption of his school year.

In fact I'd have got him, and been home again by now.

Joolstoo · 31/08/2006 22:32

I'd bring him home but I'm not a lover of boarding schools

Original poster
miggy · 31/08/2006 22:32

lgj-if you want to say something horrible better to say it than infer it perhaps

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 31/08/2006 22:35

whooaoaaaah.

everybody, hang on a sec!

I'm not pro-boarding but the lad has only just started!

miggy, i think it's great that you've contacted the housemaster. I would follow up with a phonecall tomorrow.

I think now that you have committed to this school, you have to give it a chance, at least a few weeks!

Starting a new school is always frightening and strange and I think that you need to see if his fears are justified or if he settles in and finds it all starts to feel better soon.

Original poster
miggy · 31/08/2006 22:38

I think next week he can go to school but stay at home and then we can see how much is boarding and how much is school day stuff. If at the end of the week he still isnt happy then I dont know what to do really. It really is a lovely school, we looked at loads and he chose it, I have the horrible feeling that any secondary school would be the same.
Thats if he survives the compulsory F*ing rugby trials this Saturday.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 31/08/2006 22:41

that sounds like a great compromise miggy. i think that you're right in thinking that this might be about moving on from the 'safe zone' of his first school, where as you say he has grown up.

he obviously has your support and love and knows it as you are going to act on it (by pulling him out of boarding next week).

because of that you'll both be ok i reckon.

SherlockLGJ · 31/08/2006 22:43

I just think boarding schools are the work of the devil, and yes you are probably right I probably should not have posted at all.

I waited 9 years for my DS, I would die before I gave him to anyone else to rear.

But you seem to have reached a good compromise.

Californifrau · 31/08/2006 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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