Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

tearful phone call from son at new school

53 replies

miggy · 31/08/2006 21:41

Feeling wretched now, just had phonecall from DS1 who started senior school weds and is boarding till friday. Apparently he is being picked on for not swearing and breaking rules and has found out that everyone has to be in at least 7 rugby matches agaainst other schools this term, on saturdays, so basically give up his sats to do something he hates and is terrified of.
He is not a "normal" child, incredibly bright, accelerated a year but terrible at sports and rigid in his behaviour-cannot swear/break rules/eat certain foods/cant bear dirt or germs/ wont touch animals etc. Im sure he is aspergers/dyspraxic spectrum somewhere but have never gone for diagnosis as he has got on so well at his previous school, they just sort of accepted him as himself, but then they had grown up with him. Now he has gone to a new school, with 13yr old boys all trying to be cool. I stupidly didnt see how hard it was going to be for him and feel awful.
Its not a home sickness thing, he has boarded before and happily gone off for residential music/drama courses alone.
Have emailed his house master but dont see how he can fix things
bugger bugger bugger

OP posts:
batters · 31/08/2006 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleSarah · 31/08/2006 22:57

Tbh, it is the first week, at any school it is bound to be tough. I wouldn't be picking him up just yet. I hated my first few years of high school, just a normal comp with plenty of bullies and a**eholes!

alexsmum · 31/08/2006 23:04

why can't they finish until 6.30pm?
the thing i always think about boarding, is that it would be like living at work.and if you have a cack day with grotty collegues giving you grief,you can't escape and go home and get away from it all-you have to live there and sleep in a room with said colleagues.
if he can be a day boy then i would think was best.actually i think it would be best to find a school that doesn't have such a long day.

yoyo · 31/08/2006 23:04

Miggy - I'm not sure that sending him as a day boy next week will help (obviously if he is distraught then that is very different). I wouldn't worry too much about the rugby trials - those boys may well be the ones who are in awe of your son during prep. It usually levels out after a few weeks (unpleasant though they may seem at the moment); give the school and him a chance before moving him.

cazzybabs · 31/08/2006 23:11

He has only been there a week - I think I would be feeling the same! I remember my first few weeks at uni - all I wanted to go home because it was all so new and diferent..I didn't and I loved it and even as an adult I hate change for the 1st few weeks. Give him a few weeks to settle in before you talk about taking him out.

Crackle · 01/09/2006 00:06

Miggy, I just wanted to reiterate that compulsory weekend stuff isn't really compulsory. My boys go to another sporty club thing with their Dad every Saturday and the school just accepted it. My kids are not available to fly the flag for the school on weekends. End of. We do, after all, write the cheques.

They have never been made to suffer because of their non-compliance and eldest ds is Headboy this year. Not doing weekend rugby won't hold your boy back at all.

joelallie · 01/09/2006 09:02

Crackle is quite right. You call the tune 'cos you pay the piper. If he doesn't want to do the rugby trials and you agree then he doesn't have to. It's the kind of toughening up that doesn't suit everyone!!!

I know it's hard but it would be best to wait a while before making up your minds - first days of school are hellish for many kids. And he doesn't want you to bring him home.

wartywarthog · 01/09/2006 09:33

i think you have to give him time. he sounds just like my dh who refused to swear and break the rules, didn't play sport. one kid offered him a load of money if he would just say f*ck. he didn't. your son should just stand his ground, not rise, and they'll slowly accept who he is and leave him alone. and the rugby thing - as long as he stays far away from the ball, he'll be fine he just needs some time to settle. i'd reevaluate after a couple of months if he's still unhappy. one week is far too soon.

snorkle · 01/09/2006 09:46

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 01/09/2006 09:52

poor kid.

ocd · 01/09/2006 09:54

i used to reverse chagres and cry

Gobbledigook · 01/09/2006 09:58

Oh God, I'd have to go and pick him up. But boarding schools not for me. I don't know what else to suggest.

Twiglett · 01/09/2006 09:59

I hope it works out well for you and your DS miggy I really do

and I say that as someone who just detests the concept of boarding schools .. I so want to ask why you decided to send him to one .. but I appreciate that's another thread when you're feeling stronger .. maybe when, and if, you feel up to it you could start one yourself so I can join in there

ocd · 01/09/2006 09:59

cost mum and dad a fortune in germany

littlemadam · 01/09/2006 10:06

Miggy, I really feel for you. I would just ask the school to keep an eye out as you have, and see how he gets on. DH went from a non rugby playing prep to a big rugby boarding and hated it at first, but made some amazing friends there. There were (and are) some complete prats there too!!

At first everyone is feeling their feet and there is bound to be some shoving around, I'm sure he will settle down and find some realy fab people. DH thought about leaving, but said he didn't want to feel he had run away, and is really glad he stayed.

fairyjay · 01/09/2006 10:18

Miggy
It's the first week, he's never changed schools before, he might end up loving it, but it's going to take time to settle in.
My ds has chosen to board before, and although his current day school is 25 miles away from home, he's not boarding, but might decide to at some stage. He leaves home at 7.30 am and returns at 7.30 pm, and is at school on Saturdays - the payback is the lovely long holidays!
There are bound to be other boys who've just started, who aren't in the vocal minority, and hopefully he'll get to know them pretty soon.
In the meantime, he knows you're on the end of the phone if he needs to talk, and hopefully his housemaster or tutor will take time to talk things thru' with him.
Really feel for you at the moment though

fairyjay · 01/09/2006 10:22

One other thing, I can't believe they have to play rugby against other schools. Most schools just want to win, so they're going to pick the strongest side, not the boys who aren't interested!

coppertop · 01/09/2006 10:39

If (as you suspect) your ds is somewhere on the autistic spectrum then adjusting to the new routines/smells/sounds/rules etc will be tough at first. Do the staff know about the day-to-day problems he usually has with touching things/needing people to follow the rules etc? There are things that can be done to help 'de-sensitise' him a little but that's probably a whole new thread.

Wrt boarding/not boarding you may well find that when he settles in he will actually prefer the more rigid routine/structure that he will get from boarding and may choose to stay there more often.

Good luck.

Original poster
miggy · 01/09/2006 13:48

Thanks everyone, cant wait to pick him up tonight and give him a cuddle. Sympathy really is much appreciated. Have arranged for a friend of his to come over for the day on Saturday. He changed schools last year so hopefully they can have a bit of a chat about that (if boys talk about that kind of thing!)
ocd-at least you got your revenge with the cost of the calls!
Havent heard from housemaster yet which is not terribly impressive.
Twig-dont mind you asking. Simply that we live in the country, nearest private secondary is 20mins plus in any direction (and chose private because I thought would be easier for him). Have 2 others that go to another school 15min in opp direction so to do drop off in morning would mean leaving at 7.30 with others in car to drop him then drive back to their school drop them then drive back to area of his school to get to work for 9. Do-able but not pleasant. Plus he has been boarding 2 nights at week at current school-by choice and wanted to board at this school. He actually wanted to weekly board but I made him do just 3 nights a week. Plus I went to a boarding school for a while and loved it, and felt that the day pupils missed it in lots of ways as we would all be talking about what had happened in Boarding. Plus the hours are so long at these schools 8.15-6pm as a minimum that they may as well stay the night there! bit of a ramble but HTH!

OP posts:
SydSnow · 01/09/2006 14:46

Hi there,
My husband's school had/still has compulsory Sat sport, but there was always a non-contact option for the kids who were clearly going to get pummled on the rugby pitch. Is athletics or tennis or something not an option?
Boarding school can be tough when you don't fit in. Hopefully he will soon come across a few other kids who are feeling just as ostracized.
Being an oddball (no offence) is nowhere near so bad when you find the other oddballs!
Good luck!

Original poster
miggy · 01/09/2006 15:09

Have just spoken to housemaster, apparently large part of the problem is that a girl from his year that left prev school last year to go to this one, has told everyone there about him so he feels everyone knows to pick on him. The housemaster had his general chat this morning with the whole year re looking out for each other and has since spoken to DS who feels things are a bit better since that talk already.
He has promised that he wont have to do Rugby on saturdays (thank god) though has signed him up for the polo team instead -ye gods (beginning to feel they are trying to maim him).
He suggest that maybe boarding one or 2 nights next week would be a good idea as he says that otherwise it will be even harder to fit in once friendships made etc. I will see what DS wants to do.
At least I feel that the problem is being addressed now (not sure about the polo though)

OP posts:
yoyo · 01/09/2006 15:12

Sounds positive Miggy. I do think the social time after prep in the first few weeks is when friendships are fostered. Hope you have a good weekend.

SydSnow · 01/09/2006 15:17

Could be hard to play polo without touching animals!
What about water-polo?

Original poster
miggy · 01/09/2006 15:27

Syd-snow-oddly horses dont seem to count. We have 3 dogs/2 cats/one rabbit and he wont touch any of them but horses are okay, though he does have to have a bath afterwards! He does ride and I encourage it as its good for balance etc but he doesnt ride well. Will see what he thinks tonight!

OP posts:
Libra · 01/09/2006 15:32

Not a boarding school, but my DS1 started secondary school last week and the first week was not a good one, so I know how you are feeling. He was picked on by some of the boys from his previous primary, was in tears some nights (both of us!) and I spent every day worrying about what was happening. This week, he has made some new friends, found out about 'cool' guitar lessons and we have had some great and really mature conversations about how to attract friends (not being needy, etc or hanging around old mates from primary who have told him to piss off). I know there will still be some days when he is down - very worried still about days when PE is on the timetable because he too is 'bright but not sporty' and those old mates are in his PE class - but I think we are getting somewhere now.
Basically, my message is, wait a few weeks, things may get better once he has found friends with similar interests, and encourage him to get involved with the activities that DO interest him.
My sympathies - I thought secondary school was hard, but it's harder still watching your children endure it!