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Original poster

Am I a mean co whow is overreacting?

111 replies

twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 13:51

Dd ( 4.11) had a friend's daughter sleep last night the friend is 9. As a treat dp bought dd a game of operation. When they went to bed last night we checked all the pieces were there and put it on a high shelf so that dd couldn't reach it and loose the pieces.

The friend who IMO should know better at her age got the game out for them to play but and the they went to sleep with it on the bed it fell off in the night and now three pieces are missing.

I have told them both off and have said that f the pieces are not found before 5pm when dp will take the girl home the game will be thrown away and the girl is not allowed to sleep over for the rest of the summer.

On top of this dd bedroom is a tip and is covered in half eaten sweets and everything is pulled out of the drawers and boxes. I have told them both that they cannot leave the room before it is tidy.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/08/2006 14:37

TSAP if the missing part isn't integral, why are you getting rid? If it is still ok to play with, why chuck it?

Bozza · 16/08/2006 14:38

Also I think you have been unlucky in that things have backfired on you. Exactly how long is this sleepover for? I normally have them from midafternoon to late morning.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:39

Marina we are a home to wifs and strays because that is just the kind of person that I am, I can't help it but I see some children and I ee myself at there aga and I think how much I loved it as a child when I wa sonvited somewhere to playa nd that rarely happened to me as I was the poor geeky kid with second hand clothes and a smelly house. Dp is exactly the same.

I coinsider ourselves very lucky that dp and I have worked so hard to provide a stable happy home for dd where she does have nice things and we know all to well from experience that not all chidlren have this so if someone wants to come and play we do find it hard to say no.

Maybe I need to be less draconoian in some areas and more draconian in others

OP posts:
Gobblunarcharsky · 16/08/2006 14:40

Hmmm. Well if I didn't want them to touch it because I was so worried about losing pieces, I wouldn't have left it in the room. I don't know about 9 yr olds, I don't know any, but certainly telling my 5 and almost 4 year old not to do something is a sure fire way of getting them to do exactly the opposite

I would definitely get them tidying up but would not be so cross about the game - the bits are in the room somewhere and I'd consider it my own fault for leaving the game in there anyway.

Gobblunarcharsky · 16/08/2006 14:40

btw, only read your OP twinset.

snowleopard · 16/08/2006 14:42

She could be actually losing some of that stability if she can never be sure what kind of damaged child will have free reign to play with her stuff and trash her room. Sorry if that sounds harsh but she is your child and it's important to support her. Even if she seems to look up to the 9-year-old - that doesn't mean all is well - it often happens in bullying-type relationships.

colditz · 16/08/2006 14:43

I can sort of sense a need for order in your life, and maybe you feel you need to make sure your dd has as much order as you craved, but from the sound of it you only crave it because there wasn't much.

batters · 16/08/2006 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/08/2006 14:44

I think your last message is a great insight in that you're trying to make up for what you perhaps felt you missed out on in childhood. Iy's lovely that you are thinking like that but you can never live out the life you wanted through other peoples because, as demonstrated, it never quite works out the way you want it because you have it picture perfect in your mind. Why not go with Colditz's idea that as long as they are in your house then they abide by your rules. If her own homelife is as bad as you say it is then it's hardly likely that her parents are going to take offense if you draw boundaries in your own home.

Bugsy2 · 16/08/2006 14:44

Hmmm, so many things here.
In my house if the children break or lose bits of toys that is tough luck & they have to play with them regardless. I can appreciate how from your own perspective it is better to throw something incomplete away, but I do think it can be worth letting children learn that if they don't look after things, then they have to make do with them broken or damaged.
As for the other girl, I really don't think you should feel guilty. She deliberately chose to ignore your request & that is wrong - regardless of her upbringing, she will have learnt that at school.
You cant be responsible for every child whose homelife is not ideal - you will drive yourself over the edge into insanity if you pursue this approach too far. Do what you can, not what you feel you ought to, that way you won't feel any resentment at this girls lack of gratitude & bad behaviour.

CaligulaCorday · 16/08/2006 14:47

LOL TSaP, didn't mean to accuse you of being draconian! I occasionally threaten to throw non-perfect stuff out, and things get confiscated for limited time-periods, but only thrown out if they no longer play with them. Kids can get perfectly good use out of some broken old bits of rubbish in the toy box, as I've found to my surprise and irritation several times!

I just think on a serious note, if your DD perceives that only perfect things are acceptable, that could spill over into things like school work, sport, hobbies etc. I know of too many over-acheiving teenage anorexics for whom nothing less than total perfection is acceptable. (I'm not suggesting that anorexia / other dysfunction is an inevitable consequence of tidy toy habits of course, I dream of tidy toyboxes, just that kids can sometimes pick up messages we don't mean them to.)

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 15:00

CaligulaCorday accuse away, I am sure we are all draconian about soemthing.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 15:04

Right now that you have all calmed me down I have sat the girls down and said that I a very sad that the bits of the toy was lost especially as it was brand new. But that it was wrong of me to spoil what had been a nice two days over something as silly and unimportant as a board game. I ahve apologised profusly and even set up the bouncy castle in the garden - (my idea of a perfect toy as their are no bits to loose )

The girl has apologised and said it washer fault and that dd had said not to get the game down as I would be cross and that it was her that had stuck the sweets to the furniture - as that is what she does at home with gum!

They have tidied the room and even made a sorry card for me and dp.

OP posts:
Joolstoo · 16/08/2006 15:06

lost peices of a game .....
lordy, lordy - why should England tremble?!

Bozza · 16/08/2006 15:09

Well done!

But at gum comment and [ah] at card.

zippitippitoes · 16/08/2006 15:09

if you write off to the game manufacturer they will probably send you new pieces FOC

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 15:10

I suppose dp and I almost feel guilty at the kind of lifestlye we have - which is actually very modest but sheer luxury compared to what we had as children and feel as if we need to give seomthing back.

We had considered becoming foster parents for that reason but because of dd we decided against it.

WE don't invite every waif and stray in but if I see a child that dd knows who looks lost or is struggling socially we do invite them to play. Of course dd does come first and I would hate her stability to be threatened which is why I insist on ground rules.

AS for the broken toys thing, I am sure that comes from our childhood as well as both of us had so few things it irritates us both when we see things not looked after.

I had not though about the control issue Caligual, but it is interesting that you bought that up as I am a controlling person and ahve in the past bordered on eating disorders so I will think long and hard about the messages I am sending to dd.

God who said parenting was easy.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/08/2006 15:10

If you want to invite children over who have disorganised lives, i suggest this.

the second they walk through your door, tell them the rules, even the ones that seem obvious to you. Do this every time you visit.

My personal rules are

Don't go in my room
Don't break anything
If you don't want to eat it, put it in the kitchen bin (I found a cheese sandwich in the toilet)
Keep your shoes off my sofa and beds - if you want to snuggle up, shoes off.
If you don't behave I will send/take you home, right now.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 15:11

THankyou Bozza am now feeling more like a grown up than the raging hormomal mess I was a few minutes ago.

OP posts:
CaligulaCorday · 16/08/2006 15:12

Blimey I feel I've got off lightly - gum on the sofa? I'd go dolally!

Ah how sweet, a sorry card. Poor little girl. Obviously just needs boundaries and is desperately seeking them anywhere she can get them.

2 whole days for a playdate? Rather you than me TSaP.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 15:12

THanks colditz. LOl at disorganized children as I am a totaly dioraganized adult!

OP posts:
CaligulaCorday · 16/08/2006 15:13

pmsl at the cheese sandwich in the loo. Why tf are kids so mental?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 15:14

It was never meant to be two days, I ahd invited the mum and daughter for tea, Mum asked if the d could come around earlier while she was at work so I said yes. After tea the girl asked if she could sleep eventually I gave in. The Mum phoned this morning to ask if the girl could stop all day as she had an appointment so she is here until tea and we were going to go to the cinema anyway so I said she may as well come along.

OP posts:
Cam · 16/08/2006 15:16

I'm proud of your final response twinset!

educatingrita · 16/08/2006 15:23

Yes well done you!

When she goes home eventually later, sit down, pour yourself a large glass of wine and pat yourself on the back for a lesson learned and not being too proud to back down/ask advice.

I think you sound like a great mum who only does what she thinks is best. Sometimes to your own detriment!

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