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Original poster

Am I a mean co whow is overreacting?

111 replies

twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 13:51

Dd ( 4.11) had a friend's daughter sleep last night the friend is 9. As a treat dp bought dd a game of operation. When they went to bed last night we checked all the pieces were there and put it on a high shelf so that dd couldn't reach it and loose the pieces.

The friend who IMO should know better at her age got the game out for them to play but and the they went to sleep with it on the bed it fell off in the night and now three pieces are missing.

I have told them both off and have said that f the pieces are not found before 5pm when dp will take the girl home the game will be thrown away and the girl is not allowed to sleep over for the rest of the summer.

On top of this dd bedroom is a tip and is covered in half eaten sweets and everything is pulled out of the drawers and boxes. I have told them both that they cannot leave the room before it is tidy.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 16/08/2006 14:04

I expect my children's behaviour to be less good when they have friends over. There is something about the excitement of having friends that leads to a deterioration in behaviour. As for a sleepover, IMO, they are usually a recipe for disaster!!!
I can understand your anger & frustration but don't let it ruin the experience for both girls. It is fair enough to ask them to tidy the room & also ask them to do their very best to find the pieces of the operation game. However, throwing the whole game away seems to me like a fit of picque on your behalf. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but it is the sort of thing my 6 year old son would do because one tiny thing was broken out of a new game.

educatingrita · 16/08/2006 14:06

TBH, I dont think you need to say the 9 year old cannot sleep over again this holidays.

Reason being, she's probably going to go home, tell her mum how much you told her off and refuse to play at your house ever again!!

Sleep overs are supposed to be fun and if my 9 year old had been bawled out at someone elses house Id be pretty cross.

Saying that, the mess bit is annoying and you are well within your rights to insist her room be cleared up.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:07

desperateSCOUSEwife I don't think for one moment kids would be too afraid to come and stay we have kids sleep over or come to play all the time. It is very very rare that I tell other children off who come to stay in fact I never have.

I would hope however that dd would behave better if she went ti stay at someone else's house that this girl has. She has turned her nose up at everything we have offered her to eat, bullied our dog, repeatedly asked and nagged for stuff and I caught her this morning trying to talk dd into spending all her pocket money from her piggy bank.

We have gone out of our way to make this a nice two days, had a fancy dress tea party, trip to the park, art and crafts at home and we were going to go to the cinema tonight.

Maybe I am overreacting but the girl's attitude has been as issue with me throughout her stay and perhaps this was the last straw. Dd adores her and she has not been particularly nice to dd and I hear what you say about the age gap but the older girl has asked repeatedly if she could come and stay and I only agreed after feeling mean if I said anything else.

I am feeling slighly calmer now so will go and be nice to them.

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desperateSCOUSEwife · 16/08/2006 14:08

dont have her to stay again if this is the way you feel

but it is unfair to punish your LO as she is only 4

colditz · 16/08/2006 14:08

I see your point about you not liking the 9 year old, but don't throw your daughter's new game away because of the 9 year old's behavior - how could she have stopped her?

unicorn · 16/08/2006 14:09

aha... as suspcted!
I think you know the answer then - don't invite her again.

zippitippitoes · 16/08/2006 14:09

she sounds like a typical nine year old to me..

I think you should have had a quiet word sooner if she was annoying you so much.

oliveoil · 16/08/2006 14:11

now from your last post, I think the girl has been annoying you from the start and this is not just about missing pieces

better to be calm before you go back in!

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:11

I have not bawled or shouted at them but have said in a clear manner that I am not happy that my instructions were not followed and that this has resulted in dd loosing a new toy that she was pleased with.

As for not wanting to come again, we had an incident before Christmas when the girl took some of dd spending money when we took them both for a day out and even after this telling off the older girl was still begging to come around. I also know the girl's mum very well, they are more like family than a friend just having a sleep over.

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snowlenin · 16/08/2006 14:11

TSAP. it's obvious this girl has been winding you up and the anger you're feeling is not just about the game and the mess. But I'm still concerned DD is getting the fallout. It must be frightening for her having this out-of-control, bossy, much bigger girl around and then getting told off for what happens as a result.

unicorn · 16/08/2006 14:12

perhaps it is time to talk to her mother then?

colditz · 16/08/2006 14:13

Well, you did ask if you are over-reacting and in my opinion you are. You are punishing a preschooler for something a 9 year old did. Not fair.

snowlenin · 16/08/2006 14:13

After your last post, I don't think the friendship sounds very healthy actually. Maybe the age gap is just too big?

Bugsy2 · 16/08/2006 14:17

Aha, there is always more to these things. I don't think I'd be inviting her to stay over again somehow! All just sounds too much like hard work!

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:19

I am kicking myself as last time she came to stay she had me incandescant with rage to the extent I downed a straight vodka when she left! But the girl does have a very difficult home life, she is not really set boundaries at home does not really have nice things like dd, and their house is shockingly filthy and untidy so I know that she does love to come and play here but finds it hard to behave appropriatley or as I would expect dd to behave.

Last year she kept saying how much she wanted to go to the ballet or have ballet classes like dd. So as a treat we bought her tickets to go with dd and myslef. Two days before we were due to go the girl announced that she didn't like ballet anymore and wasn't going to come leaving dd in floods of tears.

AS I said earlier we had said that she was not allowed to stay but the girl has kept asking even pleaeding so I gave in and am now regretting it.

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educatingrita · 16/08/2006 14:21

I agreew ith snowlenin.

Not at all a good idea to mix these 2 if that kind of behaviour is going on.

I would discourage them being such good friends form now on, just tell the other mum the truth - that there is too big an age gap and that they dont have much in common.

I think she would be better off with a nice 4 or 5 year old little girl to dress up and have tea parties with.

Next thing is the 9 year old will be teaching her rude words and other stuff quite normal for that age group who is at junior school but not for someone who is still in reception!!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/08/2006 14:21

Can only echo what's already been said but if the 9 year old annoys you so much then explicitly tell her that she won't be allowed to stay again unless toes the line a bit. I'd be more annoyed with the pocket money thing myself. But also you will have to accept that kids lose and break toys. I would love mine to tidy up and place everything in the neat pile that it once was in and that there are no torn books, missing bits of jigsaw, etc. etc. but it's unrealistic so I just have to accept it else torture myself every time I see another accident happening

CaligulaCorday · 16/08/2006 14:22

I think you're overreacting to the incident, as opposed to the girl.

It sounds to me like the girl is not a Good Thing. Much older girls with 4 year olds usually mother them, look after them, carry them around and basically treat them as a living doll, they don't get them into trouble. I agree with Snowlenin about whether this is a good relationship for your dd - there's nothing wrong with an age gap per se, but when the older child is behaving badly and getting younger child into trouble, it strays into bullying imo. I suspect your overreaction comes from a build-up of suspicion/ antagonism to this older girl and if my DD (also 4) had a friend like this, I'd want to cool it too. (I wouldn't throw her game out though, I think that's unnecessary and wasteful - operation can be played with a couple of missing pieces.)

educatingrita · 16/08/2006 14:22

Sorry cant spell!!

Poor you, sounds like you have tried hard to be nice to this family for all the right reasons but now is the time to put your own DD first.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/08/2006 14:23

Am also curious as to why a 9 year old has no friends of her own age?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:23

colditz I don't really see how I am punishing dd for the other girls actions. I have told them both of about the state of ther room as it was boh of them. The game will go in the bin as that is just the rule in our house if a puzzle or game has a bit missing it gets thrown out otherwise dd will not learn to look after her stuff. I will order dd a new game although have seen a younger version of the game that will suit dd better.

As for the girl not coming again although dd is upset now she has lots of other friends that can come and stay.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 16/08/2006 14:24

I think the throwing the game out teaches something quite different

educatingrita · 16/08/2006 14:25

""The game will go in the bin as that is just the rule in our house if a puzzle or game has a bit missing it gets thrown out""

What a waste!

CaligulaCorday · 16/08/2006 14:26

Blimey I thought I was draconian!

unicorn · 16/08/2006 14:26

why do they need to stay?
Can't your dd just have playdates that go home..much easier!