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Original poster

Am I a mean co whow is overreacting?

111 replies

twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 13:51

Dd ( 4.11) had a friend's daughter sleep last night the friend is 9. As a treat dp bought dd a game of operation. When they went to bed last night we checked all the pieces were there and put it on a high shelf so that dd couldn't reach it and loose the pieces.

The friend who IMO should know better at her age got the game out for them to play but and the they went to sleep with it on the bed it fell off in the night and now three pieces are missing.

I have told them both off and have said that f the pieces are not found before 5pm when dp will take the girl home the game will be thrown away and the girl is not allowed to sleep over for the rest of the summer.

On top of this dd bedroom is a tip and is covered in half eaten sweets and everything is pulled out of the drawers and boxes. I have told them both that they cannot leave the room before it is tidy.

OP posts:
tunise · 16/08/2006 14:26

Shocked at throwing things out just because 1 piece is missing. Would have very little left if i did this with everything!

bluejelly · 16/08/2006 14:26

If we threw everything out that had a piece missing my dd would have a half-empty toy cupboard!

Marina · 16/08/2006 14:27

tsap, I agree with voluptua and caligula here. You were just posting the other day about letting another local child come and play because you knew he enjoyed being in your home rather than at his own less welcoming one.
It's all gone a bit wrong this time and the girl has clearly annoyed you hugely, but I do think you have done the right, good thing in trying to give this family friend a better experience of home life than she gets at her own house
You are bigger-hearted than I suspect I would be in such a situation.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/08/2006 14:27

How many games do you throw out then?

colditz · 16/08/2006 14:27

But she's only 4! How can she look after her stuff if someone twice her age is encouraging her to trash it? If she is so pleased with the new game, then to throw it away is a punishment, no?

I understand the 9 year old was very naughty, but the nine year old isn't yours, so you can't really change her behavior. But if your daughter doesn't routinely behave this badly, then cranking up the punishment is very harsh. i am pretty sure she didn't lose bits of her new game on purpose.

FWIW, I also think if you are going to replace the game with a new one, you aren't teaching her anything about looking after her stuff.

bluejelly · 16/08/2006 14:27

As for the mess, I think it's par for the course with sleepovers, my dd gets out every single toy when she is a friend over. It's part of the fun

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:28

VoluptuaGoodshag she has no friends her own age because she cannot have anyone to stay because of her house and she finds it hard to make friends. She is quite a troubles little girl and I do feel awful for finding her so difficult as she has such a troubled life.

Infact as I am typing this I am racked with guilt at hvaing told the girl off as life at home is bad enough without coming here and being told off and I suppose that if she has no boundaries at home it is hard to expect her to have them here.

I am not really bothered by the mess as CD ( I think it was her) said that is what sleepovers are about but it is the destructive nature of the mess that has upset me and things like half eaten sweets stuck to funiture.

As for throwing the game out I make no apologoes ofr the fcat that I am an anal cow with touches of OCD that just can't have things with bits missing. I will look on ebay and have asked on here to see if anyone has an old game perhaps with bits missin so I can replace the bits missing and dd can keep her game.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:30

colditz you are right I am sending dd mixed messages by buying a new game but I am painfully aware that this is not realyy dd fault but I also don't want to look as if I am singling out the girl. God I have made such a hash if this.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/08/2006 14:30

So throwing the game away isn't to teach your daughter anything then, is it? It's for your benefit. Do you not think she will be a touch upset?

CaligulaCorday · 16/08/2006 14:30

Hmm, I'm not sure if it teaches looking after stuff either. I think it may teach your dd that if something is not perfect, it's not worth anything though, and I really question whether that is a good lesson to learn.

colditz · 16/08/2006 14:30

No you haven't at all. You were trying to do a good thing, I can see that.

zippitippitoes · 16/08/2006 14:30

I think you are an idealist and want everything to be perfect and nice and get frustrated when it isn't that way, you will stress yourself if you don't learn to let go..

you may end up with lots of immaculate things but increasing irritation and anxiety

KathyMCMLXXII · 16/08/2006 14:31

Assuming you mean it's some of the little plastic bodyparts that are missing, surely they can play it with a few missing - just take out the relevant cards, or else find or make something small (eg a bit of cardboard cut to the same shape) to go in those holes instead?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:31

Throwing the game away os for my benefit i suppose but why would you keep a game with bits missing?

I am just quite strict with the rule as dd was going through a phase of getting every puzzle and game out at once and then loosing bits. Since I introduced the new rules I ahve oly had to throw out one puzzle and dd always puts her stuff away.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/08/2006 14:31

I think you might have to learn to say no, before you explode.

I mean, the 9 year old annoys you, right? Just learn to say "It's time for you to go home now."

snowleopard · 16/08/2006 14:31

It makes total sense now that this girl is drawn to your house. There are no boundaries at hers, there are boubdaries galore at yours, and she just loves testing them because it's what she desperately needs. Unfortunately your DD is in the crossfire and she's too young to stand up for herself. As educatingrita says - time to put DD first.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 16/08/2006 14:32

You could buy some stuff from a charity shop then you may not feel so bad about it being trashed but anyway, it's nice to think that you're trying to help this wee girl but I think her behaviour is only going to improve if her family life improves and that's only going to happen if you speak to her mum.

educatingrita · 16/08/2006 14:32

I do feel sorry for you as it sounds like you have tried to be kind and it has backfired.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:32

The girl can't go home now as her mum is out and I have to wait in for my new hoover and iron to be delivered.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 16/08/2006 14:33

most playrooms/toy shelves have damaged and broken things quite often they are no less loved and children adapt them to new imaginative games of their own

desperateSCOUSEwife · 16/08/2006 14:33

also a good comment before re the age gap
forgot who it was by
but wont she be teaching your dd rude words etc in time to come

Bozza · 16/08/2006 14:34

twap - but it's possible the pieces might turn up. DS has a knight and horse for Christmas. The knight went missing on Boxing Day. DH was convinced we had left it at someone's house during Christmas visiting. I didn't agree because I could pinpoint approx. when it went missing ie Boxing Day which was when we stayed at home and had people round. But I got him another after searching everywhere. Round about Easter it turned up under the sink in DD's ktichen, along with various clips, bouncy balls etc.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 16/08/2006 14:35

I have to admit that sometimes they don't go in the bin, although dd doesn't know that, I run mother and toddler groups and work in family support so sometimes I give the things away if the missing part is not integral to the game or puzzle.

But I hear what you say about dd thinking that things get thrown out and replaced if they are not perfect - although they rarely do get replaced.

You have given me something to think about

Caligula - I have never thought of myself as draconian but maybe i am.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/08/2006 14:36

TSAP

I am in a simerlar situation with two kids down the road.

My house isn't tidy, but their house is almost squalid. The older boy hates going home, he never knows when teatime is, blah blah blah. He likes the routine at my house.

But

He's not mine, and although I've spoken to the mum, I can't fix this. I can only be here, but when they start pissing me off it is time for them to go. No arguments. At least they know that if they are here, they are welcome here.

batters · 16/08/2006 14:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.