SEX. those of you who dont like it or dont want it

[Tortington]

do you try and do something about it? - do you think that sex is an important part of a relatioship?

Hi yeah i think sex is important in a relationship and i certainly agree that variety is the spice of life!!!!!

I dont like it, and forcing myself to do it made me worse. HUsband and I rarely have sex (havent since birth of son 4 months ago) and rarely did before. Since I told him how I felt, it hasnt been an issue. We do "other" things, but even that phased out for a while. Feeling loved in important... cuddles is just as good as sex.

I think a relationship without sex is more of a friendship and doesn't have that spark that keeps you fancying each other I have had times without due to ill health and it was a strain as we just bickered with each other and didn't have that special bond When we are having lots of sex we get on better and don't row.We are both aware of this and if we have been lacking in that dept due to stress tiredness etc one of us always says something to get things going again.There is definitely something missing in a relationship without it it is what distinguishes our partners from our friends.

Can't agree that a cuddle is just as good Sex satisfies something primal in all of us and is the ultimate 'letting your guard down'and being your true self with someone else

i think it bizarre that somone would settle for a cuddle - unless they have had sexual trauma in past.

do you try and sort it out - go to doctors, eat oysters, ...whatever?

but custy, sex drive waxes and wanes just like the moon. There have been phases where I would have rather strangled DH than f@@@ed him. How did it come back? Varied - him being more considerate, me being more forgiving.
I love him no matter what. Nowadays we laugh about each other's paunches and the cramp that sets in if we stay in one position for too long. Humour helps a lot.

Do you really think a cuddle can replace that real deep connection?I have had both and there is no comparison to the way the relationship flourishes with good sex.

my ex was very abusive, hence the lack of desire for sex now. When I try to hard to do it, it backfires on me and I end up in peices.

QP that is perfectly understandable xx

to answer your two questions: no and no.

i was never sexually abused or in a sexually abusive relationship.

i had lots and lots of sex in the past, both bad and mind-blowing.

for me, respect in a relationship is WAY more important than sex.

i agree w/mimi's statement that all relationships are different and what may suit some doesn't suit others.

i went out w/a man w/a VERY high sex drive right before meeting DH, and tbh, i found it very wearing and tiresome w/him.

Respect in a relationship is important too but a no sex relationship must feel so empty What differentiates it from any other friendship and where do you get that feeling from.

Agree with the waxing and waning, have been through periods where I just can't be bothered and other periods where I can't wait. And I loved dh through the barren periods as well as in the fruitful ones - love is the way you feel about someone, surely?

I definitely think you can still love the person without sex but is it a full on IN love relationship?I don't think it is

Agree about the respect thing. Also you have to actually like each other to want to have sex with each other.

I know if dh is getting on my nerves I don't feel like shagging him but if things are going smoothly, he isn't acting like an arse and I haven't got pmt then I want it more.

Perhaps if you don't get plenty of nice intimate sex you try harder at the conversation/joint activities/kindness etc and learn to find your intimacy and 'in love' kicks through those. Having a good shag is like pushing a 'booster power' button, so much so it can become a shortcut and getting more out of the rest of your relationship may become a lost art. TV has a lot to answer for in my (telly-addict) opinion.
Once the kids are older DH & I plan to take up dancing lessons so we can have more variety in terms of face-to-face intimacy (iyswim.) Hats off to those who don't use sex as a quick fix!

OOH like this subject so im dropping in!
Has anyone tried any supps that work? I took st johns wort for my lack of sex drive coz a friend recommended it but it did nothing for me.

Anyone got any other hints - not oysters tho - YUCK!!

I have this problem, i should change my name but cant be bothered so here goes.

DP has a very high sex drive and so did i untill i fell pg with DS (22 months)
I =m not sure what it is i just dont ever seem to be in the mood and even though the sex we do have is great i find it really hard to get into it if you see what i mean.
DP finds it quite hard to deal with but i refuse to do it even if i dont want to and DP doesnt want me to unless im totally willing.

I kind of have phases where sometimes i cant get enough and then i can go for months without 'the urge' to do anything.

But saying that i have always been a very non intimate person, i feel really uncomfortable being hugged, kissed even as a child i hated my parents hugging me, DP also finds this quite difficult.

I have tries to explain its not him, i love him with all my heart and i do find him atractive and like i say our rare sex sessions are really good but i have a near non existant need for sexual activity.

I dont persoanlly think its vital to a good relationship as i could probably go without and not suffer but i know DP could not.

I do think of it from Dp's side of things though but honestly dont know hpw to resolve it so if anyone has any tips let me know.

'I definitely think you can still love the person without sex but is it a full on IN love relationship?I don't think it is '

I find that a really sad statement, b/c to me it means to say that, if one's spouse became unable to have sex again, ever, that the relationship is somehow something less than it was before.

And from my experience of relationships in which this happened, that's FAR from true.

Some people don't have high sex drives. If/when they meet and marry someone who feels similarly, who's to say their relationship isn't as full-on as someone's in which there is more sex?

I mean, gees, there goes Socrates' whole theory in 'The Symposium'!

I have been in a situation where for health reasons I couldn't have sex and this lasted 2 years I am just saying that although we still loved each other there was something missing.If both partners have a low sex drive then fair enough but if you just can't be bothered then surely thats not right.Even if you only have sex once in a while it is very bonding.

Charlee, I feel more optimistic for you in that you're enjoying it when you do get round to it.
We've had some times like that since having kids (eldest is 3)and sometimes it does seem that we only manage to do it with the assistance of alcohol. Hence we now seem to share a bottle of wine at least once a week. Getting tipsy just makes everything seem like less hassle and makes you forget some of the things buzzing round your head that put you off when you're sober. I'm hoping not to become reliant on the alcohol but having small children IS tiring, timeconsuming and mindconsuming so I'm hoping we'll gradually be able to seduce each other sober one day.
As I said below, doing something together face-to-face (remember spending hours talking when you first got together?) Even if it's just playing poker for beernuts, looking into your DP's eyes has got to be more arousing than watching telly or chatting on Mumsnet .

sex cant do with out it
which does not mean we are at it like rabbits i to fall asleep at 9 after a hard days work, but a weekends we do it at least twice a day
we have been together 11yrs

Its a difficult situation i find where i have such a low sex drive and DP himself is quite shy where its been a long time in between when i do get the urge its like the first time again and i get really nervous and giggly which usually eventually puts me off the idea completly.

I feel bad for DP he does have a very high sex drive and where i used to he does find it difficult to except luckily he soes at least try to except me for what i am.

I would be far to embarrassed to see a dr about it as i know they may beable to help, i have thought of herbal remedies but am pg at the mo so its out of the question.

I would think most people who answer no aren't having a lot of sex for whatever reason.This is like the breastfeeding threads when those who couldn't (me) jump in to defend themselves even though they know that breast is best(me too!)Such is Mumsnet