Best *put down* you've ever heard?

[marthamoo]

I have two.

Second favourite: at Uni, a very pretentious bloke was holding forth about how Prefab Sprout (remember them?) were the best band ever (better than the Stones, better than the Beatles etc.), mainly because of the depth and intelligence of their lyrics. One of the girls we were with just fixed him with a withering look and said "Oh yes, their lyrics...hot dog, jumping frog, Alberquerque." He shut up after that.

But my best has to be one of my friends from Uni - he's gay, and extremely camp, so has a natural advantage in the put down department. We were at a party one night, a few years after graduation, and the most boring bloke ever was monopolising the conversation with a monologue on his Very Important job as a Museum Curator. He had gone on and on about the importance of preserving history, the work on restoring artefacts, blah blah blah, and as he paused to draw breath my friend said, in the campest and most cutting drawl, "darling, really it's just dusting a load of old knick-knacks, isn't it?"

More please - I am in dire need of a laugh this morning.

Oxygen Thief

Don't Hold you Breath - Oh well on second thoughts do!!

Don't you have a full length mirror at home (also said in camp accent and arched eyebrow by gay friend quizzing a particularly bad outfit)

NOT TO ME. Darling, what a marvellous figure you've got, and after how many children? The person addressed hadn't had any children.

Waitress in a restaurant I once worked in:

Chap who was being obnoxious (sp) clicked his fingers for her attention, her reply

"Sorry sir, it takes nore than 2 fingers to make me come"

Love that one, momof2

OMG MM, was that conversation in Manchester? I think you may have been talking to my ex!

Dont look at me in that tone of voice! you smell a funny colour...

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down.

Someone set fire to your face and someone else tried to put it out with a shovel.

ooh ooh.. another one.. she/he's got a face like a bucket of whelks..or got a face like a bull dog chewing a wasp...that's one of my favs..

or a bag of spanners.

My fav - used frequently by one of my friends (male) about another of my friends (female) is 'she's got a face like a robber's dog'!

These are some of myy Dad's fave's:

I've seen ore meat on a butchers pencil (said to someone skinny)

Your so ugly you must be inside out

The things you see when you haven't got your shot gun (referring to bad dress sense)

One eye is going to the shop the other's coming back with the change (cross eyed people)

If she cried the tears would run down her back (cross eyed again)

Many moons ago, meeting in the pub after a footie match. My then current boyfriend (mean, critical sob) chanted to my ex "X's got a head like a f#cking coconut" and the ex boyfriend (far nicer, more generous, kind etc) responded with "at least you get a drink out of a f#cking coconut" - priceless

Here's me head..me are is comin..(said about someone with a big are...

Bald man to my brother: You want to cut your hair, you look like a young Homer Simpson.

My brother: You want to grow some, mate, you look like an old homosexual.

Not funny, but a put down. I was at the school gates last week and a bloke was holding forth about Global Warming. He mentioned a fact that had come from a friend of his, turned to look at me and said: 'And he's a PROPER scientist.'

She's not built for speed

Just remembered a good one

Lecherous, slobbering, drunk man in bar says to girl 'Sit on my face love'

She replies 'Why - is your nose bigger than your dick?'

ooh, your sweating like a fat lass in the gym.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

when dh was a silver service waiter, a man left a 1p tip. dh chased after him and said 'i think you've forgotton something sir' and gave him the penny back. the man said 'oh no no thats for u'
dh reply? 'oh no sir, u're needs are obviously far greater than mine'.

she/he's got a face like a cats bottom

ROFL at this thread!