neighbour banging on wall when my baby cries!!!!! (long sorry)

[percy]

hi, haven't been around for a while but am in real need of some advice, so i thought i'd ask all you wise mumsnetters. i'd really appreciate some advice...

our ds2 was born in may last year. our next door neighbours have only one child born later in the summer last year. when they had their child i made a real effort, popping some clothes over and asking her over for coffee etc. she didn't respond very well to this despite having been over for tea with her husband etc before children were born. a few months ago one night when ds2 was crying in the night, they banged on the wall. dh popped round the next day and asked if everything was alright and basically she complained about our baby crying and hinted that she wanted us to move his room so she couldn't hear him in the night. we have a lodger so this is impossible. when we said that she said 'well i think we are going to have to move house then!!!!!!' in a really bitchy way, as in we were making her life a misery.

since then, she has ignored me in the street, and despite my husband's attempts to patch things up, they have remained very aloof.

last night i decided it was time to sleep train ds2. he had been crying for only 14 minutes when they banged on the wall again.

i have had a pretty rough last few months - diagnosed with hypothyroidism and have had a miscarriage. maybe i'm a bit wimpier than usual, but this is really really upsetting me. i feel i can't behave as i'd like in my own home, and feel like she is judging me as a bad mother because i am leaving my baby to cry. with this in mind, i have completely lost my resolve to sleep train him, even though i know this is the best thing to do (best thing i ever did with ds1).

do you think she is being unreasonable? what can i do? i'm feeling really upset and angry at the same time.

message withdrawn

Sorry things have been difficult for you.

Erm, not sure this is much help, but I would ignore her. She is being unreasonable - you can't stop a baby crying, and if you can't move him, you can't move him. You've tried to discuss it and be friendly with them, but if they won't have it I don't see what else you can do.

Don't think about her. Get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. Hope someone will have some better advice for you.

Totally un reasonable. She should understand especially as she has little one too. How completely horrible of her.

If i were you id tape him crying and then leave it on when you go out, then she will have something to moan about.

As the song goes, everyone needs good nieghbours, wheres yours?

hmm, I sympathise, but don't be too hard on your neighbour....

maybe she had PND after her baby was born so didn't respond well to your attempts to be friendly?

are your party walls very thin? I think I would be a little upset if my neighbour started cc in this situation....I work very long hours, have to get up relatively early and am a very light sleeper. The thought of a baby crying for long periods in the middle of the night would make me tetchy,too. How about asking your neighbours when they are next going away, so you can get the sleep training done then? Hopefully your ds will be well and truly trained by the time they get back.

So does their child never cry? I expect he/she does.

Please just ignore them, you've done more than enough to make friends with her and if she's not descent enough to return the friendship then personally I wouldn't want her as a friend.

Come and live next door to us.......we always feel guilty about how much noise we make (3 DS's) so you're young man would ease my conscience.

If she wants to move house(after her comment) I'd collect all the local estate agent adverts and post them through her door..........well I'd like too at least

Good point about the pnd Tissy. You sound so understanding. Im terrible for speaking first and thinking later.

btw, before anyone jumps down my throat, I do have some experience. I was staying at my Mum's house last Summer, when it was so hot we had to sleep with the windows open. Her neighbour was sleep training their dd, and I had a week of very interrupted sleep. Of course, my dh and dd slept through it. Maybe a mother's ears are more finely tuned to respond to a baby's cry?

it does sound like they're being unreasonable - not even willing to find some sort of compromise from what you say - it must be awful for you

but i have to say i agree with tissy, there may be more to the situation than at first appears

do you think she'd be willing to come round for a coffee to chat about the situation? She'd have to be an inhuman monster not to soften at least a little bit if you told her what a rough time you've been having the last few months! Or maybe write her a note and pop it through the door?

If that fails, go for charlie's suggestion!!!

What is this womans problem? Surely she knows that you can't turn babies on and off to suit. I would carry on living your life and if she doesn't like it let her move. I wouldn't get involved with her especially if you are already feeling fragile. Take care and don't let them get you down. I'm hoping that our neighbours hear our baby the same as we hear their noisy partys! sweet revenge!

have to say am inclined to agree with Jzee and others...if you are living next to someone you cannot expect it to be quiet all the time. If the neighbours of hers were arguing/ playing music into the early hours of the morning then fair enough say something...but a baby crying ffs, what about when her baby becomes a toddler and starts throwing tantrums left right and center...how would she like to be told to keep him quiet...somethings are natural...Children and noise are very very normal and if she didn't want to hear anyone's coughing etc then she should be living in a house miles from anyone...my advice ...do nothing...you're not in the wrong one bit...she is unrealistic...just ignore her

tell her you can hear her shagging but you're too polite to mention it

Just say
Well actually I really love it when he cries, in fatc I make him cry just to piss you off...
How dare they...

She should live with my neighbours, then she'd know what noisy is. I have terrible probs with my neighbours and noise, to the point where environmental health are being called in, but one thing i would never complain about is a crying baby. What the hell do they expect you to do ?? Doesn't their child ever cry ???

LOl - SW

Don't feel guilty - you know you're doing the right thing, and it shouldn't take too long to sleep-train him. I would proably start at a weekend though (assuming your neighbours don't work at the weekend). Had they been a bit more understanding to start with, I might have given them a friendly warning of what was to come, but to be honest I'm not sure that I would bother under your circs. If you get comments I would just respond with a "this is a phase, it doesn't last for long".

Listening to a crying baby isn't fun for anyone, but hammering on the wall isn't likely to stop it either! At the end of the day, whilst you want to get on with them, they haven't exactly been trying too much to get along with you. And there's not much that they can really do about it (now if they didn't have a child they could try to retaliate....).

If they really can't last the week or so it will take, then at least you can look forward to some new neighbours. (BTW they do have to disclose any disagreements that they have had with you to potential buyers, so they can only sell to people who don't mind the odd night of crying!)

Yes, you are right to be feeling upset and angry.

What a rotten neighbor. I hope her 2nd child is a screecher!! Perhaps your husband should present them with some earplugs and the suggestion that their banging on the wall seems to make the baby cry even more.
Sorry Tissy, but I disagree with you. Crying babies is part of city living. I am a very light sleeper and used to wake up when the neighbor across the street's baby cried (and boy did she cry a lot). I usually sleep with earplugs and wouldn't dream of telling someone else to shut up their baby (as if they could). Of course, loud music and screaming adults is a completely different matter.

Yes, ask her to stop banging on the wall as it's disturbig your baby and if they want to bang on the wall, can they please move to another room.

Agree with everyone here....you can't turn children on and off (if only!), can you move his cot away from the sharing wall (if you haven't already) so that you can say you are trying to do what you can to not disturb them too much. You might want to point out that whilst the sleep training will be hellish in the short term, in the long term it means he will sleep through and not wake up and cry in the middle of the night! I do think its true that mothers are tuned to babies crying - my mum, mil and a friend all wake up if we are staying with them and ds so much as whimpers...

Yes, SofiaAmes, crying babies are a part of city living, but this neighbour had only banged on the wall once, a few months ago, until percy started sleep training her ds, then it started again. I was supposing that the sleep training was rather more crying than they are used to. Presumably percy's baby has cried a bit over the last few months, and they haven't complained about that "normal" crying? I don't want this to turn into a cc debate, but I think that sleep training is out of the ordinary, and yes, you can stop a baby crying in this situation by picking it up! I suggested a compromise, which was to offer to do it while they are next away.

thanks for all of these posts - suzy wong, you had me laughing. husband says she seems so uptight they probably haven't shagged since conception.

tissy - i had also wondered about pnd after the first banging episode - i had it with ds1, but i really don't think she does have it. she is out and about alot and i see her very smiley and chatty with her friends in the street. plus, i had given her many opportunities to chat about things when i dropped clothes round in the 'early days' etc.

i guess you are right tissy, he does cry for a few minutes whilst we warm a bottle each night and she doesn't bang (although does ignore in the street etc). Although, it was only a few minutes of crying the other night - how did she know ds2 wasn't poorly? TBH I'm too scared to go round and tell them I intend to sleep train and find a time more convenient to them, although probably a good idea.

Its very reassuring to read your posts though, as it does reassure me that it is her being unreasonable. sleep training is guilt inducing enough without extra pressures from next door!

So, what's the consensus - go round and confront the situation, or carry on sleep training regardless of banging?? the other option which I have been considering is putting him in his brothers room and moving his brother into his room whilst I do the sleep training. But she is being so unreasonable that I do question why I should be trying to make her life easier when she can't even be civil to me.

whoops, i've rambled a bit.

I hope she hurries up and moves only to find a neighbours with twins who cry all night until they move house again! Totally unreasonable and hope she feels ashamed if not now then very soon when she realises how stupid she is being. Can't they move their bedroom don't see why she should suggest you move baby's bedroom. I worked nights for a few years and had no end of daytime noise when I needed to sleep eg drilling for roadworks

I think she is very unreasonable all babys cry some more than others!
I don't think you should have to up root your baby from his room as it could make it worse it takes babys time to get used to new surroundings etc. I would just carry on with what you want to do when you want to do it after all its your house you pay for it and why should you upset your life/routines because your baby crys.
I know i would just carry on what can she do about it apart from move house herself which will be a weight of your shoulders.
I could understand if it was that your baby was crying all night but just after 14 mins i think its ridiculous!
If it was me and they were banging on the wall i would bang back!!

Absolutley do NOT move you little boys cot. Just carry on with what you want to do in your own house and as Dreams says if she bangs just bang back.....that's a fantastic idea.