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Original poster

neighbour banging on wall when my baby cries!!!!! (long sorry)

62 replies

percy · 31/01/2004 20:06

hi, haven't been around for a while but am in real need of some advice, so i thought i'd ask all you wise mumsnetters. i'd really appreciate some advice...

our ds2 was born in may last year. our next door neighbours have only one child born later in the summer last year. when they had their child i made a real effort, popping some clothes over and asking her over for coffee etc. she didn't respond very well to this despite having been over for tea with her husband etc before children were born. a few months ago one night when ds2 was crying in the night, they banged on the wall. dh popped round the next day and asked if everything was alright and basically she complained about our baby crying and hinted that she wanted us to move his room so she couldn't hear him in the night. we have a lodger so this is impossible. when we said that she said 'well i think we are going to have to move house then!!!!!!' in a really bitchy way, as in we were making her life a misery.

since then, she has ignored me in the street, and despite my husband's attempts to patch things up, they have remained very aloof.

last night i decided it was time to sleep train ds2. he had been crying for only 14 minutes when they banged on the wall again.

i have had a pretty rough last few months - diagnosed with hypothyroidism and have had a miscarriage. maybe i'm a bit wimpier than usual, but this is really really upsetting me. i feel i can't behave as i'd like in my own home, and feel like she is judging me as a bad mother because i am leaving my baby to cry. with this in mind, i have completely lost my resolve to sleep train him, even though i know this is the best thing to do (best thing i ever did with ds1).

do you think she is being unreasonable? what can i do? i'm feeling really upset and angry at the same time.

OP posts:
beetroot · 01/02/2004 15:25

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emmatmg · 01/02/2004 15:29

Beety.........I wouldn't actually be brave enough to do it.......all mouth I am!!!!

Zerub · 01/02/2004 16:09

Is the neighbour's baby their first? Maybe its a really good sleeper. So she hears yours crying and thinks you must be a dreadful mother, because its so easy to get a baby to sleep, and then they sleep all night, don't they? I remember my mum saying that, when she had my brother, she was very scornful of women who said looking after a baby was hard work, or who couldn't get their babies to sleep at night. And then she had me - shock of her life! If this is the case with your neighbour, then she's not going to understand whatever you do. Not until she has a baby who is up all night, anyway.

You could send her a friendly note explaining what you're doing (for your sake, so you know you've done the right thing) and then get on with what you need to do. I think that leaving your ds in the room he is in and doing cc is quite reasonable. Banging on her wall or being rude to her etc would be satisfying but you'd probably feel bad about it later (like when you found out she's got a brain tumour or something ). If I'm having a dispute with someone I find it helps to make my behaviour as good as I can get it - otherwise I can't get cross with them about theirs...

Stargazer · 01/02/2004 16:18

Hi Percy

I'd ignore her and get on with your own life. it's not worth worrying about. I'm sure you have enough to worry about with your DSs!!

judetheobscure · 01/02/2004 16:33

Why is banging back rude, when she banged first?

I'd go for sleep training as it will reduce the crying in the long run. I'd tell her I was going to do it - and give her the chance to suggest a good week to do it.

Also, not all babies stop crying when they're picked up, especially if they're over-tired - which is why sleep training is so effective. I remember walking round with my babies for hours trying to get them to stop crying - which is when I decided that sleep training was the only answer.

Oakmaiden · 01/02/2004 16:33

beetroot - your right, it is rude to bang back, but then it is rude to bang in the first place, too.

beetroot · 01/02/2004 16:34

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beetroot · 01/02/2004 16:34

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WideWebWitch · 01/02/2004 16:53

Hi percy. IMO it's absolutely not their place to bang on your wall about a baby crying. Outrageous! I know you're upset but I think in your position I'd ignore them and carry on doing whatever I wanted to do, regardless of their views or interference. I don't think I'd get involved in any discussion with them since it will be stressful for you and you're not exactly having a picnic atm as it is. Confrontation with the neighbours will just add more stress I think. IMO, it's NONE of their business, they're cheeky bastards. Don't move the room or the cot, it's not up to them to tell you where you put your baby. She can buy earplugs if she dislikes it that much. Or move, which would suit you all!

Dreams · 01/02/2004 17:28

I am sorry i dont think it is rude to bang back after all as someone said before she banged first!
Ok fair enough if it is the middle of the night and your baby has been crying for hours then i suppose its not rude to bag on the wall but i feel if a baby has been crying for 14 mins what right does she have to bang on the wall?!

To be honest i would go and knock on the door tell her your having problems with baby sleeping and you are trying or going to try and do some sleep training and see what she says If she still reacts rudely and still bangs on the wall i would ignore her and get on with me life your not commiting a crime as i said before its your house,you pay for it and its your life don't let someone upset you it will all sort itself out sooner or later!
Goodluck.

fisil · 01/02/2004 18:50

Oh, my sympathy percy. I had feared we would have this with our neighbours, as the arguments we hear through the walls shows them to be lacking in tolerance or reason! Luckily it has never been a problem - in fact the opposite, the very first time ds slept through ... we were woken up by their teenagers in the street at 1a.m. (ds slept soundly through!)

Please please don't knock back or do anything else which is on her level. If someone is rude and you respond back in a similar way, it does kind of condone their actions. What outcome do you actually want? Best case you want to get on with this neighbour, but at least you want her to treat you cordially and politely. So do that to her. When you pass her in the street, say hello cheerily, even pass comment on how grown up her baby is. If forced to engage in any kind of conversation about the wall banging/crying business, say something totally neutral like "yes, I understand that you don't like to hear a baby crying. I don't either."

I don't know if it helps, but I always feel it's best to try to think about what outcome I want and pretend I've already got it. Not that I always manage it ...

spacemonkey · 01/02/2004 18:51

hear hear fisil!

aloha · 01/02/2004 19:34

Fisil's last point is particularly brilliant IMO>

saffy981 · 01/02/2004 19:46

I was in this situation. Can't really offer any advice as it turned into a living nightmare. I nearly had a nervous breakdown and used to do anything to avoid going home. Ours at the time had no kids and used to retaliate by playing music throughout the night. We ended up having to move and because it was in the days of the recession ended up losing thousands! It was money well spent. You have my sympathy. I did however spend the last hour in my house jumping up and down on the floorboards (was in an upstairs flat)

Original poster
percy · 01/02/2004 20:59

fisil - i'm so pleased you posted that. up to this point i have been doing exactly that - rising above the situation and smiling in the street. but, now i feel so angry and upset. i think she feels she has the moral highground and we are being annoying neighbours and woe is her. because i have been so friendly etc i think she feels that all is dandy for me, and i am merrilly letting my child cry and not being affected by her rudeness in the street and her banging on the wall. it is with this in mind that i feel reluctant to be so friendly anymore - how will she realise that what she is doing is affecting us otherwise IYKWIM?

I wouldn't knock back - not because I think it is rude because she obviously has no manners anyway, but because I feel it would just inflame the situation without any option of resolving it. I definately do not want to end up with a situation like you had saffy - that sounds appalling, bless you.

what do i want fisil? i just want to feel like i can act as i wish with my children in my own home, without having to deal with my next door neighbours acting like i am being a bad parent and a bad neighbour. i don't feel confident beginning controlled crying, and as i'm sure anyone who has done it knows, you need resolve and complete confidence to carry it out! i guess i need all of you in my living room with me whilst i am doing it, backing me up!

OP posts:
naomij · 02/02/2004 15:16

we live above an elderly woman who has never had children and when we tried sleep training in the summer (with open windows) she accused us of child neglect and threatened to contact social services!
i told my health visitor who promised to back us up if anything happened - but of course we now have a horrible relationship with the neighbour. but we just ignore her, and have in fact just successfully sleeptrained dd! so just go for it, it will hopefully be over in a week. good luck!

oliveoil · 03/02/2004 09:20

We have very noisy neighbours who at the last count have about 5 kids and so I have NO qualms about dd waking up and squawking in the night. They are like the clampit family from hell so am tempted to hold her mouth nearer their wall.

We all wish they came with a mute button but babies cry, tell your neighbour to get a grip.

I wouldn't hesitate on banging back on the wall.

Blu · 03/02/2004 12:03

Percy, this must be a tremendous pressure on you, but you have done nothing wrong. Your efforts to sleeptrain your baby will benefit everyone in the end. When my neighbours were about to introduce CC (before I was a Mum) they knocked on my door and said there might be more crying at night, but they hoped it wouldn't last. You have already tried to be socaible with this woman, so I think I would put a note through her door politely explaining that you are sleep training (but not apologising for that). And then, since you are already steeling yourself against the crying, steel yourself equally aginst her unhelpful banging. You really don't owe her anything, and it's not your responsibility to make her happy. Good luck.

Original poster
percy · 03/02/2004 19:46

OMG OMG OMG. I'm shaking and so bloody upset. Neighbours had left their car lights on, so thought that would be a good opportunity to say something. Rather stupidly I now realise, I also decided to lie in order to make them realise they were being unreasonable and tell them that ds2 had an ear infection to up the guilt factor!!!! So popped round and the husband opened the door. I told him that his lights were on and he said thanks, then I said " oh and by the way, the other night my son had an ear infection and it really didn't help to bang on the door. I remained quite friendly and nice when saying this. The then said, 'well whatever'. I said 'well, what do you want me to do if my son is crying' he said 'look emma, i don't have time for this, we are interviewing a nanny' and slammed the door in my face pretty much.

i am so upset - i have tried once again to be friendly and reasonable and he was so very very rude. i am so bloody upset and shaky now that i am crying. feel such a bloody pratt - i shouldn't have gone round at all. what an idiot!!!!!

OP posts:
JeniN · 03/02/2004 19:55

Poor you, i hate confrontations like that. You've tried now, best to just forget them if you can. It was a totally different and more minor thing, but we had an argument with our neighbour and he totally refused to acknowledge our complaint, we decided it was not worth getting deeper into conflict and left it. Now, ages later, I can go over to theirs for something minor and make chit chat and its OK, and they are more friendly now. I know its hard now, but I think to say anything else will only escalate things and neighbour conflicts can get really awful IMO - of course if they keep banging on the wall that's totally unreasonable and a different story. Maybe they'll be saner once they've got a nanny? or have someone else to be mean to Hope you've got someone you can talk to or can do something relaxing to forget about them?

StressyHead · 03/02/2004 19:58

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pie · 03/02/2004 20:00

Percy, thats horrid. Hugs (())

elena2 · 03/02/2004 20:49

Bas**rd!
Sod 'em Percy, they are obviously (him especially) rude and selfish idiots.
Just don't bother speaking to them, smiling at them, etc, they're not worth the time of day.

Lots of sympathies, hope the sleep training works, it will be worth it!

Lisa78 · 03/02/2004 20:55

he is a horrible man and you are a lovely lady trying to do the best for everyone. Ignore him, your time is far too precious to waste on jerks like that

misdee · 03/02/2004 20:56

gimme the address and i'll go scream at him for u. or get my dd1 to do it (she can give anyone earache, much worse than a baby crying in the night)