neighbour banging on wall when my baby cries!!!!! (long sorry)

[percy]

hi, haven't been around for a while but am in real need of some advice, so i thought i'd ask all you wise mumsnetters. i'd really appreciate some advice...

our ds2 was born in may last year. our next door neighbours have only one child born later in the summer last year. when they had their child i made a real effort, popping some clothes over and asking her over for coffee etc. she didn't respond very well to this despite having been over for tea with her husband etc before children were born. a few months ago one night when ds2 was crying in the night, they banged on the wall. dh popped round the next day and asked if everything was alright and basically she complained about our baby crying and hinted that she wanted us to move his room so she couldn't hear him in the night. we have a lodger so this is impossible. when we said that she said 'well i think we are going to have to move house then!!!!!!' in a really bitchy way, as in we were making her life a misery.

since then, she has ignored me in the street, and despite my husband's attempts to patch things up, they have remained very aloof.

last night i decided it was time to sleep train ds2. he had been crying for only 14 minutes when they banged on the wall again.

i have had a pretty rough last few months - diagnosed with hypothyroidism and have had a miscarriage. maybe i'm a bit wimpier than usual, but this is really really upsetting me. i feel i can't behave as i'd like in my own home, and feel like she is judging me as a bad mother because i am leaving my baby to cry. with this in mind, i have completely lost my resolve to sleep train him, even though i know this is the best thing to do (best thing i ever did with ds1).

do you think she is being unreasonable? what can i do? i'm feeling really upset and angry at the same time.

ok - feeling a bit calmer - thanks girls for those messages. i guess i just cannot believe that people can be so bloody selfish - to have absolutely no empathy at all for my situation - to just totally and utterly see things from their point of view only.

i am going to take your advice now - that is it - i give up trying to make amends. unfortunately though, however much i know i should be able to, i really do not feel strong enough to do the sleep training. i know their opinion does not matter at all - but when people judge you as a parent, it really hurts. sleep training is guilt inducing enough as you hear your beloved crying their heart out, but to have guilt and judgement seeping through the walls also is just too much for me. hard to explain, because i really do not care what they think, but it just makes me doubt myself. does this make sense?????

I think you should go ahead with sleep training - tell them what you are doing, how long it's going to last, refer them to 'toddler taming' by Dr. Christopher Green if necessary, and then tell them to talk to their nanny if they've never heard of sleep training. After all, it's only a week max. and everyone will sleep a lot better afterwards. Oh, and tell them that you are telling them all this in a spirit of neighbourly consideration, but that their attitiude has been so unhelpful you really don't expect anything else from them. What do they expect when they bang on the wall, that the baby would say 'oh, sorry, I'll turn it down??'

You stick to your guns - do the training, it sounds like you need a decent nights sleep as much as the baby

Percy - we did CC just after Christmas with DD and it only took 2 nights. Go ahead with it so that you can only benefit from a good night's sleep.

percy - your neighbours don't sound very reasonable or understanding to me. What a disappointment to you after you even tried talking to them.

If you want to do sleep training though - you should do it anyway if thats what you want. You've tried talking to them and they obviously are not interested in listening which is a shame as you could have sorted out a compromise. You never know, they may have to resort to it themselves in the future.

Percy, they are obviously very rude, badly brought up people. You don't have to respond with rudeness, but you certainly don't owe them any further courtesies. Do your sleep training for you and your ds. And ignore them if they bang on the wall. As someone else said, you are already going to be steeling yourself to ignore the crying, just add the banging into that. You have been more than virtuous in trying to be friendly. (Next time let their battery go dead!)
You will be really happy you did the sleep training.

Agree with sofia. Honestly, some people.

poor you percy. Well you cant say you havnt tried. Some people!!!

You WEREN'T and idiot, you did the right thing, and you can walk your neighburhood with your dignity intact and your head held high. I wonder if he couldn't deal with it because he was a tidge embarrassed / ashamed????? Picture him lke that, anyway!

You can't say you didn't try. File under A for arsehole, or B for Bollockhead. C for .......

What a petty, unreasonable family!! Don't make an effort for their sake. They obviously have nothing much else to worry about. If she says something again tell her to wear earplugs. I do! Our elderly next door neighbours howls unconsolably EVERY night at about midnight ever since his wife died. Poor soul. It never occurred to me to complain although it does wake me. I just put in my earplugs.

My parents had a neighbour that used to phone the police if my Mum put the washing machine on after 9pm!!!! I mean honestly.

The only way to deal with this is to ignore them. It is awful when neighbours create this bad feeling, but hopefully they'll just move!

This is so unreasonable percy. You think as a mother herself she'd understand about babies crying. Go ahead and sleep train and ignore the banging.. it's unreasonable. Like you said how does she know your ds wasn't ill? Anyway, it's not her place to judge you as a mother -some babies cry and cry and there's nothing a mother can do to stop them. She could have colic or anything. You have to ignore such pettiness - she has snubbed you good and proper and I'm afraid I think you should return the favour.

M2T - I won't be able to get the thought of your poor neighbour howling inconsolably out of my head all day. It's such an awful image - poor man.

What complete twats Percy, you have my utmost sympathy. I have a neighbour who used to shout "Shut up!" through the wall when my daughter cried at night. I was alone in the house, knackered, he was usually pissed up. First time it happened I felt like crying, second time I just moved the baby closer to the wall.

I would start encouraging them to move, the banging on the wall will really wear you down. Start a rumour that there is to be some development planned which will bring down house prices, anything. Good luck