Foreign Mums in the UK

[chiara71]

Are there any other foreign mums out there?
How did you cope with being a new mum in a different country with no family around to help out?

My mum and MIL satyed with me ofr 3 weeks each around and after the birth of my dd, it seemed a good idea at the time, but in hindsight maybe it wasn't.
What was your experience like?

My mum and my MIL leave abroad as well.
With my first born, my mum came 3 days later and my MIL right after that for another 3 days.
For baby number 2 my mum came 5 days later for 4 days.
I do find it hard to have no relative in this country - especially - dare I say it - for the occasional baby sitting for a Saturday afternoon for example. I don't yet "trust" baby sitters when my very young children are awake so we only use them once they are in bed.... so if DH and I want a bit of time off in the afternoon, I need to take the day-off and do it when the kids are at nursery. Going to IKEA for example is easier without very young children (I've just done it first with the kids and then we decided to go back without them as we couldn't really concentrate).

I am originally from Kenya and dh from Uganda. We have been here for the last 10 years and have 3 kids aged 7,5 years and 5 months. I find it very difficult to bring the kids up without the support of the family, but do make every effort to visit every year so that the kids get to know their roots and relatives etc. My biggest boost though has been a live in nanny who is also my cousin. Having someone to hand who undertsands our customs, foods, and way of life has really helped.I now feel that my kids are getting the best of both worlds.

By the way,I do not get on with my MIL so her being 5000 miles away is a bonus!! I do wish my own Mum was a little closer though!

I am Australian but have lived here since 1989. What I really miss is my network of female school and university friends. They all have small children now and mostly live near each other and are in constant contact. Since I arrived in the UK I have worked almost exclusively with men while where we live in London, there are very few families with young children.

I try not to think about how much nicer spending my maternity leave in sunny Australia would be than the grimy East End of London!!.

Oh bells, I know what you mean. How much nicer it would be on maternity leave in sunny NZ (or middle earth as it's known now - was very amused to see the river I swam in as a kid turning up on Lord of the Rings) Fortunately I have the owrld's nicest MIL who lives only ten minutes walk away. But having said that, the cultural clashes get to me (what is this British obsession with wearing shoes?) and I miss my school and university friends who are all settling down and procreating.

Hi I am from Denmark and have been here for nearly 12 years now, and I do not miss denmark only for like a good chat with the girls and just to pop over to them, here it is like you have to make a date just for a cup og coffee 2 weeks before and that I do not like.
I have got the best mother-in -law any one could have.

I don't miss italy that much either ( no I lied, I do in the summer...), but i can't help feeling a bit jealous of my sister, who has a 18m old, mother and mil close by plus a whole load of friends and relatives, she's never had to pay for childcare and never will, and she works f-t. her dh is at home early every night and helps with babycare because he only works afew minutes drive from their home... when my dh comes home I'm usually in dreamland!!!!

as dane said toorganize a get together with anyone it takes weeks of planning and you have to pay a babysitter too (or take baby - and the rest of the house- with you)
at least i have one vgood friend who'll after dd when i go to doctors or hairdresser...but i try not to ask her too often, she's got kids of her own, and they give her enough to do. with family it would be different, my mum would pay me to be able to look after dd, my mil would love to help, but she's not good with the practicalities of babycare, so i have tostick around to feed dd, put her to bed, change her nappies etc, while all she does is play with her...

I am expecting baby #1 in April and must admit to being quite apprehensive as to how we will cope and manage to get time to ourselves etc with all family support (both mine and dh) in New Zealand. Would especially love to be closer to my brother and sister in law as they have 2 under 3 and she is a mine of info and a very supportive person. Am just hoping I can hook up with a few other mums in my area to swap baby minding duties with - but not sure I will even be able to do this (emotionally) without getting to know that person(s) very well first!

LKM, you could try joining the National Childbirth Trust , and get to know some pregnant women and new mums in your area. Phone no is 0870 444 8707. HTH!

LKM - I know how you feel... I have found e-mail the best way to keep in touch with relatives who have same age siblings. Telephone is slightly harder (for you) due to time difference.
As for making local friends- I didn't try the NCT as I found out too late (I had both babies already) and I did find that my ante-natal friends were very different from me (I worked they didn't and I had lived in several countries and they had never been oustide of the town I live in) but I may have been fairly unlucky.
It is worth going to these meetings because you might meet someone you'll get along with fabulously !

LKM - my family all live miles away and come up once a year (for one night!) so I can relate! I do go to them quite a bit but I have found my lifeline has been to join as many classes as possible once my daughter came along. It gets us out of the house nearly every day and although I haven't made a huge circle of friends I have made a few who are magic, keep me sane! Do join NCT if you can (I never did but regret not doing so as all my friends who did meet up with the same group years down the line) and any other thing you come across.
Good luck.

Snap - I'm another first time mum and NZ'er living in London (maybe we should form a club?) My parents aren't coming out here until May, by which time baby will be 6 months. It's definitely harder not having any family support or friends to help out occasionally - the trouble with NCT mums is that they also have little babies to look after and we've not graduated to the stage where we feel comfortable looking after two babies at once. But still very useful to meet up for coffees, exchange info etc. Also make sure you sign up for the post-natal classes at your local health clinic - the classes are of varying value, but you do get to meet lots of other mums. It helps that where I live has one of the highest birth rates in Europe (SW London) - so there is lots around to help mums network. If you can choose a place to live which is relatively baby-friendly (as much as London can be!), it makes a huge difference. And of course, Mumsnet is a great source of advice!

What I found sad was that my parents won't really know their grandchild because they don't have that day-to-day contact. Yearly or two-yearly visits don't really compare. It also puts a lot of pressure on your partner - have to admit it has been very stressful for our relationship and we don't have much chance to have "time out" together - esp as I've now discoverd DS doesn't like bottles - aargh!

Re parental support - the first six weeks are the hardest, and some support during that time is great (I wish I had had someone!) But you also want somebody around a bit later, when you're feeling more confident and actually eager to go out (rather than just exhausted) - so if you can, try to space out the visits a bit.

Good luck to those expecting one soon!

PS if you sign up with Onetel then phonecalls to NZ are 6p a minute - you can talk for hours (and I have) on that rate.

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I am going to NCT ante-natal classes right now and might just join up permanently since so many of you seem to think it is a good networking environment.
Florenceuk I also live in SW London so maybe we could form a club and see if there are any other lonely kiwi mums near us! Are you planning on coming to the 18 May London meet-up? I might make it all things going well with new baby!
I am already with One-Tel and the rates have now dropped to 4p a minute which is great.

LKM

I suspect I won't make it to the Mumsnet meetup but congrats if you manage it with a 1-mth baby! If you want to get in touch at any time - you can send me an email on "[email protected]". Good luck for the birth!

i just thought i rescue this thread,is there any more mums feeling very homesick?and how are you all coping?any tips to get over my homesickness?thanks

Ahhh. Is it just today as I am feeling very homesick today. I'm missing my mum and wondering why I am here. The weather isn't particularly bad so I don't know why I'm feeling that way.

Whymummy - why are you feeling homesick? Any reasons. I can't offer any good advice for getting over homesickness. I generally ring my mum and just talk nonsense and then at the end of the conversation say in passing I'm feeling homesick. I'm sure she figures that out in the first minute but anyway.

How about a nice day out tomorrow. Treat yourself to something you have been wanting to do for a long time but haven't had time. There are still so many things in London I want to do that I can always dream up something to go and see or do. How about taking your little one(s) off to the Battersea zoo which the council are thinking of closing. Or how about telling your kids you are feeling a bit down and you want them to paint you a special picture or someting.

hi meanmum and thank you,ive been like this for a long time since having the children really so its 5 years, i went home recently for 3 weeks thinking it would do me good but i had such a lovely time and was always surrounded by my family and friends that being back here on my own again its really hard,i live outside london and there isnt much to do around here plus being deppressed takes all my energy away to go anywhere anyway,sorry to go on and thanks again

I always find it really hard when I return from home. I do love the UK but my closest friends all have children back home and I miss being with them at this time. I miss my family too. How many kids do you have and how old are they?

How about going for a walk across some paddocks tomorrow and have them collect some things for you. They could pick up whatever they think is pretty or you will like. If they're old enough why not tell them you're going on a nice walk and you want to share a story. You can start the story and then they can add some and you can add some and so on.

I do find having my ds helps take my mind off it but there are some times when you just want to be close to family and friends.

hi meanmum ,thanks,youre so right i should get myself out and enjoy the little things with my children im sure now the weather starts to get better i don`t feel so bad,where are you from?and how often do you go over there?

From Oz. I've been back in the UK for 3 years and am going home a lot more now than when I was here years ago. I've also been really lucky since I've been back that my parents manage to travel over once a year so I tend to seem them twice a year on average. Telling you this won't make it any easier for you.

The first year we were here my brother got married, the second he came with his wife for six months to play cricket and I was lucky to have ds and a girlfriend get married a couple of months later which meant I had a really good excuse to fly home last year and then again 12 months later. I've already booked my tickets for Christmas this year as I want my son to know his grandparents and cousins and I hate not being at home at Christmas.

thats not bad!im only around the corner compared to you,were thinking of going to oz soon as i have family in queensland and canberra my dads brother married an autralian and they lived there for over 40 years she recently sent me a letter that i wrote to them when i was 9 begging them to send me a cangaroo!!
i really should go home more often!it`s really helped talking to you!thanks!

You're welcome and post whenever you feel homsick. You've taken my blues away and now I'm just suffering from tiredness.

an aussie been in the UK for almost three years. Just back from visiting family and friends in Aus. First time any of them have seen her. Some of you may know my story but just had my first baby ( almost 9 months old) . Been a tough time - dd diagnosed with heart defect at 20 weeks pregnant and dd born with down syndrome. Dd had two open heart surgeries at 8 weeks old and complications. Have wonderful in laws but they have had their own tough time and live over an hour away from us. Really do miss my family and network of friends at times. Especially after having been with them for the last three weeks. It was very hard to get on that plane last week and come back here. Not sure when I will see my family again - perhaps next year.

hi eidsvold,sorry to hear about your little dds heart trouble,hope shes well now,i can`t even begin to imaging what it must be like for you,do you plan on going back home for good in the near future?

what about you meanmum?

thanks whymummy - she is doing incredibly well and we were told last check up that at this stage her heart is operating almost like a 'normal heart'. We are hoping to move to Australia - better quality of life for Dd and us of course. SOmetime in the next year or so.

I do love being in the UK but it is not the same as Aus with all my family around. Sorry to sound so down in the dumps - just the 'just back from Aus' feeling...