I'm done

[Rhubarb]

Didn't think I'd be saying this. But I need to see a GP at this point, I'm losing it.
I can't seem to concentrate or focus, my head isn't right. Dh isn't helping, he keeps saying that perhaps we should stay after all, perhaps he does like it here, and then the next day he's talking about moving to England. It's just too much. I can't deal with the kids, I can't deal with anything. I feel really really shite and have done for days now.

I'm not after sympathy or advice, I just needed to admit that to myself.

Not giving advice, I am letting you know that I am thinking of you though.

xxxx

Have left a message on your answerphone and said hello to your dh on the mobile.... will try again this evening.

Take care.

Its good that you recognise when you need help. Thats always a good sign. I hope you get things sorted.

Sounds like you have every reason to be all over the place Rhubarb. I hope you get things sorted soon and things start going your way xx

Great big hug and a steaming cup of your fave drink.

I didn't think this would be answered tbh! I've gotta try and pull myself back up. I could do with a few days off, but that's not possible. Just wish dh would make his bloody mind up, I just need to know where we all stand and then I can plan. But everytime I try to make plans, something happens, I get a setback, or things don't turn out as I hoped. And I just feel really down in the dumps.

Oh honey,

Pardon the vulgarity, but your DH either needs to sh*t or get off the pot.

I know, I just don't have any more fight left in me. I'm tired of talking about it, tired of arguing, tired of trying to plan. I just want to be left alone so I can curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

poor you - sounds very frustrating

I would see a GP if you regularly feel this way but to be honest, sounds like your desperation is entirely because of the situation you find yourself in

In your shoes, perhaps you could sit dh down (when kids are in bed) and tell him that his indecision is actually making you ill. You cannot continue feeling powerless and not being able to plan into the future because he can't make his bloody mind up.

foxinsocks, what I usually do it to make the decision for them, then I do all the organising for it etc and he just follows along, if I didn't do this we'd get nowhere. He can't even decide whether to have tea or coffee, it's a problem he has.

But this is different. I'd love to stay, but thought we'd made the decision to go and so have handed in notice on house, job and school and was trying to get his CV sent to companies in Cumbria. Then he says what if his job offers him a permanent contract? Perhaps we could stay if they did that, but he has to ask for that which he hasn't done. He also goes on about how daft we must be, moving back. So then I think, dare I hope? But I've given my notice in on the house and stuff! I just feel incapable of making a decision for him in this case as I don't know which would be the right one to make.

I think, overriding my feelings, that to move back would probably be best, for him and the kids in the long term. I suppose I should just go with that shouldn't I?
I'm getting all paranoid and frightened about stupid things. I suddenly realised how old I was, I've always spent my life wallowing a bit in my youth, then I just realised that I'm not young anymore, and I got frightened. I can spend a whole night awake feeling scared for the kids, imagining all sorts of things happening to them.

My sister is going through a bad patch, she tells me about her problems with her dh, with our mother, etc and I try to give advice, I try to listen, but I'm struggling coping with my own stuff.

I know we will probably go back to the UK, but I'm dreading it. I don't belong there, I don't belong with his family or mine. I don't know where I belong and I don't know who to tell about how I'm feeling. I'm usually the one telling people to perk up, to be strong, to get help, etc, and now I'm down there myself.

yes it is very hard when you are the one who is normally the strong one

In that case, I would tell him that the decision has been made - it sounds like he's getting cold feet. It's such a big decision (moving country - even it that country is close!) - he probably wants you to tell him everything's going to be OK, but of course you can't do that when you're feeling the way you are.

Have you considered counselling? I can totally relate to the feelings you have about age. I have been feeling that a bit lately and I too have always felt like a 'young person'. Age has a habit of catching you up just when you don't want it to - you are probably feeling so much older because you're having to make such life changing decisions and are feeling so down.

I might give that a go.
There is an English speaking counsellor near us, but his English isn't great and my French is simply crap for stuff like this, plus I can't really afford him right now.

I'll buy some St John's Wort.

the sh*t or get off the pot comment is good.

i think if nothing is resolvable, maybe you should just go with your gut feeling and run with it, ignoring his indecisivness. Unless he comes up with something final and genuine (decision wise)

Hi muncher.
Yeah, I know I've gotta make the decision, I usually do, I'm just tired. I don't want to be a rebel all my life, sometimes I'd quite like to just relax and let someone else have a go!

DW and I had a hoo-ha yesterday (but it's not quite at the same level as this).

She is exactly the same in some ways in that she really doesn't need indecisivness right now. she needs clear final decisions from me and no floundering.

at this late date she doesn't need me to talk about the high travel costs/car insurance costs/immigration hang ups/money exchange problems.... she needs me to say "everything will be ok, i'm excited about it and this is what i def want to do" (even though i may have some reservations inside)

and gobbler... he's making you make all the decisions because thats what most men do until the very last minute when they are backed into a corner.

oh and.... badger badger badger badger...Muuuusshhrroom.... badger badger.... M m m m musshsssrroom... snake! a snake! oooohhhhh a snake!

Just saw this thread and makes sense what you were saying to nc before

Moving house is stressful enough at the best of times without dh changing his mind constantly. AND bearing in mind it's not in the same country!

Tell him how you feel. You shouldn't have to be the one to make all the decisions all the time.
Last time I heard marriage is a 50-50 thing, although easy for me to say when I'm not married!

dc - didn't think anyone else had seen that site!!

do you like the kenya song?!

So who do you express your reservations to? Dh wants to hear the same thing, but I'm the one responsible for sorting out houses, jobs, schools and so on. He moans because he has to sort out the heavy furniture and tow the caravan back to the UK! I've even spoken on the telephone to Plant Hire companies on his behalf, one of them asked why he wasn't doing this himself - good question! He'll say it's because it's all my idea! He'd move back to Preston like a shot, but because I said no, I now have to be the organiser.

And yeah, I have big reservations about going. Dh will not just walk into a job, there isn't that much demand for construction workers in Cumbria hence the railway idea, but he'd have to work away (thank God!). We need to find a house to rent and a school that has places for dd. Again, this'll be left to me and I'll do it because it needs to be done, I can't play games with him on this, it's important for me and the kids that we have somewhere to live and dd has a school to go to.

But he is being such an indecisive shit atm. Perhaps he's not that bad and I'm just feeling bum. I don't know. But a little help wouldn't go amiss.

There's a hamster song somewhere too.....

dunno dublin, rhuby sent me the link on friday. i didn't look at the others

gobbler... i can't say a thing. i'm sometimes like your DH on things like this. because you've expressed what you want to do, you end up sorting it all out.

I get in big sh*t on this and I still do it now and then. DW yells very loudly at me and then I tend to pull my socks up.

it's crap really. it's almost as if you've got to sit down with him right at the beginning of the whole process and agree who's jobs are who's.

Hit him over the head with a lunp hammer if that's what it'll take to get his attention.

Ask him what he really wants.

No games, no recriminations and no fannying about changing his mind. You thought he wanted to move, you've set the wheels in motion to the best of your ability but him being indecisive is putting extra stress on you.

If he doesn't give you a straight answer then - I dunno.

Good idea though. I'll sit him down tonight, it's about time he contributed to this. I don't want to leave France, we are leaving because he wants to leave, and other stuff like finances obviously, but he was pretty expressive about that a few months ago and now he's getting cold feet even though he's doing nothing to sort it out.

Give him jobs to do and deadlines, I'll do that. Might help take some of the pressure off. Get him to make a final decision too and stick with it, no talk of changing minds once that decision is made.

I'll be honest with him about how I feel, see where that gets me. I want his help, so that I don't feel I'm wading through this by myself. I want to be able to talk to him, I don't want to have to put on a brave front all the time.