I'm done

[Rhubarb]

Didn't think I'd be saying this. But I need to see a GP at this point, I'm losing it.
I can't seem to concentrate or focus, my head isn't right. Dh isn't helping, he keeps saying that perhaps we should stay after all, perhaps he does like it here, and then the next day he's talking about moving to England. It's just too much. I can't deal with the kids, I can't deal with anything. I feel really really shite and have done for days now.

I'm not after sympathy or advice, I just needed to admit that to myself.

i did this with the bank account, then rushed the application, screwed up some details, delayed the whole process and lost us approx £200.

i was in big doo doo. i've kept myself sharp since then. I make lists constantly and i've got this big huge list connected to all my work papers so i see it each day and add/subtract as I do the jobs.

it's simply about effort i guess, which men are pretty crap at.

dublindee
How are things with you?

not gonna hijack your thread - but

WE WENT ENGAGEMENT RING SHOPPING YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

Brilliant! Many congrats! Do you want my addy for the wedding invite?

You'd be welcome - but it's gonna at LEAST 2008 to give me a chance to lose weight after baby.

Getting married in Dublin in \link{http://www.mountargusparish.ie/index.php?option=com_akogallery&Itemid=180&func=detail&id=14\this church} and reception at \link{http://www.clontarfcastle.ie\this hotel}

Whaddaya think?!

Wow! Big enough for all your Mumsnetter friends then!
It all looks very grand! Will it be a proper Irish affair?

yup!

Reason for that church is cos when I almost died as a baby Dad went to that Church and prayeed like billie-o. I was dead for 2mins (convulsions cos temp was 104-105) btu survived and when we would go to confession or mass for Christmas or Easter we'd go there rather than our Parish church. It's really p[eaceful - and has a HUGE aisle so I can milk the walk for all it's worth!

Clontarf Castle cos me and DH stayed there 3 Christmases ago for the New Year Black tie ball and it was soooooooooooooooo romantic!

As you've prob guessed at this stage I'm a big softie - but I think every girl's a princess so we deserve a castle at least once!

hey rhubarb, i think a good long non shouty chat is in order
marriage is so hard when you seem to want diff things- luckily dh and i have grown together over the years, but we are both so indecisive that it means we just don't seem to take any riskd iyswim..

nice calm chats help us alot- i know you are really stressed atm, but it may help to clear the air and get him to relise he is doing your head in too
xx

you dont have to be the organiser.

tell him you give up. and go to bed when he gets home. tell him your not getting up

i'm not sure i understand why your doing it all all the time

he didnt want to move there - but then did, he couldnt be arsed getting a job, pottered around for a bit - then errrr oh errmmm ok did

then wouldnt spend the money on getting his qualifications recognised - which would help enourmously.

wouldnt committ to buying a house- which you could re- sell. but that would be admitting permanance.

its like he is digging a whole underneath you all the time.

why are you ringing for jobs for him - is he a man? is he up to supporting this family e helped create - am gonna fkin knee cap him - i need a gun - no a hammer - i'll do it with a hammer.

your not old - your a long time dead. and you orry about the kids too much. stop fretting they will get over themselves.

your along time dead.

leave him a note saying " gone to bed not getting up - we have no house on xxxx date please provide for your family.

as soon as you see him pulling up into the house - leave the kids in a safe position and go to bed.

tell him you fancy going to canada. you could get in there too!

Hi Rhubarb

I know we haven't really spoken before, but I have read some good advice you have given to others in the past. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you, and that I care. Agree that sitting down for a calm thourough chat with your DH to explain exactly how you feel is a good idea. I would make a list, not just of what you want him to do, but also of what you want to say, to make sure you cover everything.

Much love

I don't have anything helpful to say other than I am thinking of you Rhubarb. I too play this role in my family and Custy's note cuts to the heart of it. I would find it extremely difficult to go to bed and have my DH sort itbut it might be just what he needs. I hope the best decision is made and that you can find some peace with it. I am going to be 49 which is MUCH older than youbut I do know what it is like to face your own mortality. Just know that a lot of your feelings are magnified right now from the stress and if you can take some comfort in that. All the best to you.

my post was unhelpful to the extreme! i got over heated. many agolipications

I did that a couple of days ago, he went nuts at me. He doesn't get it, he doesn't understand what he is doing wrong.

He's not deliberately lazy and he does show interest when I'm researching things. I suppose I do take over phone things because he's just so crap on the phone and I want these people to have a good impression of him, not of some geezer going "well I errr, yeah I drive diggers, ummmm," He's shit at social things so I've always taken over those things I guess.

Yeah, I am a long time dead and I do feel that he's stopping me from doing things, but then so are the kids. I can either be alone and do those things, or have my family behind me. He's supported me in the past through bad depressions and he's supporting me where family are concerned. But some things he doesn't understand. Maybe that's because he's having a bad time with it all too? We've no outlets, no-one else to turn to. We're on each others cases 24hrs a day, 7 days a week. We get fed up of hearing each other speak.

But I will be giving him a list of things to do. He has to realise that no matter how indecisive he is, he has to start taking charge of a few things.

I'll get him to ask at work if a permanent contract is ever going to be viable. If they um and ah, then we're outta here. Even if they did offer him a permanent contract, he'd still um and ah and wonder what to do, then he'd regret it months later and want to reverse the decision.

I can get him to make decisions, but it's hard work and it's tiring and it's always me and it's not fair! I'll tell him all this, he's got to help me. We'll see what he says tonight.

If this all goes belly-up then Custy, you have a special invite to come round with a sledge hammer!

What is it about France that you like so much Rhubarb?
TBH it sounds like yuor life there is pretty tough.

you know custy, i didn't think your post was unreasonable. not at all.

yes, come to canada!! but i'll be damned if i'm going to let you sleep on my sofa. you can have leftovers (handed out through the crack of my securily locked door) and you can have some of our second hand clothes if you wish... but don't expect us to wash them prior!

oh and btw, yes. he doesn't know what he's doing wrong. he really doesn't.

none of this is easy at all. my wife practically beat it out of me. its taken many years at each other throats on stuff like to this to learn how each other thinks and learn what each other wants.

(and if you come to canada, i'll plough your driveway for $15 a pop with my big-a** pick up truck)

I'm not moving to Canada - too close to YankeeLand!!! They'd never have us! My bro paid a couple of grand to get in, he had a mate there willing to give him references and a job, but still he never got in. Could be something to do with that little ptsd thing on his army med though!

I like France because it got me out of the hellhole I was living in. Because I have a job here that I actually enjoy and I feel like a person and not just some nothing house-wife. Because the weather here lifts me up, it's not all grim and gray like it was in the North, because it's unreachable for my family! Because the education system is better for the kids, because the culture is better, because it's a safer environment, because it's a challenge that is as yet unfinished.

But it's tough because dh doesn't like it, never has and never will. And of course, we have no babysitters, no family to help out if we or the kids are ill, no nipping down to the pub or friends to chat to. So there will be positives about moving to England, but the biggie for me is the unfinished bit, I haven't finished here, I leaving halfway through with this feeling of regret and failure.

And Custy, your post was not over the top, you know me better than anyone!

tough. bloody tough decision. no perfect solution. sorry, i'm no help.

oh rhuby and medicals? yes! medical problems (even minor ones) will screw someones chances of getting into Canada. They are very protective of their health system (it's a bloody good one. kinda like NHS but with private standards and service).

... but who cares! you don't want to come to canada!

ever thought of opening your own business together? DW and DH working together on a business? Something new to focus on together? something that keeps you going?

I couldn't cope with the winters there.

Shame my bro didn't get in really, I think it would have done him good, but having that on your med don't look good.

And even I wouldn't stoop low enough to wear pikey's clothes dc!

I couldn't work with him, I'd kill him!

a good wash and some patching up and those clothes would be as good as new!

.... and we'll let you have some leftover meatloaf as well.